Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

yolo the antibiopics should work their magic. I need chocolate, a bath, pyjamas and strictly. This really is a marathon not a sprint isn't it? And cockroach too - why not!

Having moved my mother which has been a disastrous idea (she has gone from perfectly happy but a long way away and us worrying about her, to unhappy, reasonably close by and us worrying about her) I would say don't rush to do anything. The pendant alarm clearly worked. I hope the assessment comes up with something helpful.

Phew! Glad the new thread worked- ipad was throwing a wobbly so no inspired words but we’re here! Wanted to get cockroach in the title.....
Hello all... sorry newbies have to join.
Apollo, echo everyone else- protect your boundaries. V important!

@Annandale I hope your mum settles down soon

The statement about pacing yourself for a marathon was really helpful to me. Of course some people are ill for years, but dad being ill fr a few months was just so tough and I feel bad saying that because he was ill, not me! But it has made me think in the longer term, whereas when folks were in their 70s there was the odd short term crisis to deal with ...but now I'm definitely in marathon territory.

yep its a marathon, and it doesnt end when they die either (sorry if that sounds callous).

cockroach one and all tonight, and an explanation for those who need it: DM couldnt find the name for a 'small animal with a hard back' that she met in a care home nature event, and DB helpfully suggested cockroach.

cockroach all. So sorry it’s still so tough, yolo.
Yes, it hit me last year when dm broke her ankle and we got over that, this is a looong game........ and trying to keep something in the tank is vital.

Yolo, yes, the papers chaos left by dad is something else. I've posted in legal about probate.

Mum tells me he's never thrown away any personal belongings or given clothes to charity etc so that's going to be a task. I was a bit shocked to see how much random junk is in the drawers and cupboards. He also has tons of VHS videos and cassettes. She's not thrilled about paying anyone to clear it so it's going to be gradual. That said, it's probably too much change for her if her house was suddenly clear of stuff.

She's going to the supermarket on her own tomorrow in the car which is a big deal for her. She could wait till Monday when I can go with her, but probably a good sign that she wants to go alone.

I know I keep saying it but I am so flabbergasted by the level of codependence that went on with my mum to my dad.

I know what you mean about chaos and keeping stuff verging on hoarding
Another elderly relative died back in April and we have only just finished clearing house
Think bills, wage slips, letters and blank statements dating back to 1950s, both for them and their parents one of whom died the year before
We couldn’t get anyone else to do it as there were personal things we were trying to find
7 skips later, being a regular visitor to recycling and donating anything useful to all charity shops within a 20 mile radius, we have finally been able to put property on market
DF was himself an executor but at 92 wasn’t able to help

Jace, 7 skips!!

Tbh mum also has tons of junk so I wonder if this might prompt her to clear that a bit. Not as bad as dad but tiny ornaments on every surface kind of person....also they used to go away a lot and bought tons of tacky souvenirs from each place, it's all on display.

Just to say hi all and thanks for new thread. Welcome to all new marathon runners who have joined.

One bedroom was so bad that it took 7 of us 2 days to actually find the bed!!!!!!

This is going to be s good thread for me I think and I thank you all for you support so far. FIL is doing fine and simultaneously saying he needs no help and saying he doesn't want to cook any food for himself! He will be discharged today and we will get him home. Our nephew who is in his late 20s is between jobs and can come over (from Finland where he comes from) and stay with him for a short while. This will actually be mutually beneficial to them both and I think FIL will accept it and it will give us breathing space to see what we can get sorted out. Nephew will also help him to start clearing his house out. Thankfully he isn't really a hoarder. He has loads of stuff though given he has lived in a big house for 50 years.

Crikey - I had a super busy couple of work days and sudden there’s a new thread and loads of messages! Just popped on to say hello/welcome/cockroach everyone. We’ve had an ok week apart from the fact my dad has been asked to stop going to one of the activities he loves because he is “disruptive”. Well actually they’ve asked my brother to tell him he can’t go anymore Very sad and pissed off on his behalf.

cabbage oh that's horrible, how sad. What's the bloody activity - the quiet game? Fgs. Can he go with a carer?

Reading your posts re junk i keep thinking ooh i must declutter, my poor kids one day. Then i thought - what do I care, I'll be dead mwa ha ha!

I'm so glad I've found this thread. I really need this rant.

A quick background. My Dad died at the start of the year, he was an only child, as am I (it was just me & him after my mum left when I was 3). My Grandad raised my Dad as my Gran has only ever been interested in money, academic achievement & herself. My Grandad died almost 20 years ago. My Dad saw that he had a duty of care as her NOK but that was it, he avoided her unless absolutely necessary, he was able to detatch & not be guilt tripped by her, would also call her out when she was being horrible.

I'm now NOK. She is driving me insane. And I'm stuck with her. My Dad told me she'd play merry hell if he died before her & I think he underestimated the git. She's late 80's & mentally absolutely fine, physically alright too, usual age related aches. She's just so manipulative & she makes me feel useless constantly.

Not really sure about the point of this post just the need to not feel so alone I think.

Hi I'd like to join. I have a rant coming on soon.

Hello and welcome all!
This is a safe place to rant- no judgement here but lots of understanding and support.
Bernard- sounds like you need to put some boundaries in place. She has made choices- you can walk away. Facilitate support, and protect yourself.
cockroach all.

bernard and charley rants are always welcome and understood here - we all know what it's like, and some of us (not usually me) have suggestions about how to wiggle your way around/out of the situation.

my PIL came for lunch (in a pub) today, bearing in mind DH has quite serious cancer issues - they do mean well, but god they cannot actually say anything important?

After 3 hours MIL said she'd been trying to write me a letter about DM but couldnt find the words... and as for DH, pfffft. sorry, dont know what I am trying to say, but I wish they'd just stop saying 'if there is anything we can do' - what can they do? my DM is dead, I have all funeral/house arrangements in hand (as long as we get the bloody death cert), my DH has cancer, we can do nothing about that until we find out more. I'd like it if they actually talked like normal people, asked questions about the appts we have for DH this week. But no, we have to hear about the perfect daughter and the perfect grandchildren (bitter, moi?!) sorry, rant over. cockroach

Oh yolo ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
So sorry for your crap day. 🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷

Yolo, sounds rough. Would a large gin help?

thank you countrygirl am on the as per usual.

This sounds so stupid, but I just feel so ALONE? both my parents are now dead, DH is quite seriously ill, both the DDs are at uni (and worried about their dad and sad about their grandma), DB and his family are being tricky, the inlaws are worse than useless, my best friend is wonderful but lost her DD to cancer aged 19 just 2 years ago and sees life through that particular prism. My other friends (not many) are geographically distant, one of my closest is also dead. It literally feels as if I have to do all of this all by my self because everyone else I love is fighting their own battles or are unable to express themselves or in DB's family's case I appear to have blotted my copybook. It's all a bit shit really.

thigh it is a quiet activity but the odd thing my dad does might happen once or max twice in an hour session so you’d like to think they’d be a bit more understanding. He’s been going for years and it’s a huge blow for him not to have it in his life anymore. We asked if a career could go with him and they said it had “gone past that point”. They actually - I shit you not - said he could go back “if things improve”. They know he has dementia. Arseholes. Absolute arseholes.

yolo sorry about your crap day - sounds really frustrating. When people ask what they can do to help I tend to be split between wanting to hug them (and cry) and wanting to punch them (and also cry). Also huge for that alone feeling. It’s so shit.

Bernard welcome. Rant away - we all say terrible things (I quite regularly express a desire to push my dad in the local river) but this is a safe space . If you give more details I am sure the wise and lovely people on this thread will have good advice about how to stay sane.

Yolo, I feel very alone too. My mum is too broken to comfort me and the way life has worked out, most friends are not nearby, especially with me spending time at mum's.

I feel more alone now than I ever did in years of living alone, presumably because dad is gone and mum isn't functioning. Generally I love being single but this is a very odd time.

I saw a friend today and had to steer her away from talking about my dad. It's great that she liked him so much but she seemed to be full of memories of him and it's not a conversation I'm ready to have.

I offer an unmumsnetty hug if you want one

Well, hugs for anyone here who would like one! So grateful for these threads.