Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

thinking of you dint

Dint hope all is okay

How are you Dint?

I’m just on way to visit DF now and try and get him out ASAP
Sent in formal complaint this morning as well
Emailed SW but not in till Wednesday which isn’t a problem, but need to consider CHC reassessment - and next steps

Best wishes to everyone for 2019! I feel strangely optimistic!!

Yes good wishes from me too
Hope 2019 is an improvement on 2018 - unless you had a great 2018 of course
On ward have just helped DF with weetabix yoghurt and thickened tea
He surprised me by lunging out to reach for a cold drink - if I hadn’t reminded staff he needed to be strapped into wheelchair he would’ve been on floor by now!
DM has now arrived - she is so passive that sometimes I think it hinders rather than helps him

I’m exhausted already but feel I have to step back a bit to protect myself
Going off ward for a coffee later am going away for tonight spending NYE at a friends and will hopefully manage things over phone
Hoping that DF will be back in his nursing home by time I return tomorrow afternoon

settling in on MN for the first NYE in years that I've not been going out!

mum will be in bed by 10. I'm staying over tomorrow as well and she wants to do some cooking for a nice dinner then, but I think NYE is too much for her as my dad used to organise a night out with their local friends. The local friends have all decided not to do anything but are just staying in with family etc - in many cases, elderlies with dutiful children!

Happy New Year to all and I hope we get what more of what we need for our oldies - support etc etc, in 2019! Many thanks to all of you on this board - you've been there for me when I didn't feel any RL friends would understand xx

Seems so long ago ... Dad has a fall yesterday morning, so I spent all morning helping him get up, clean, dressed and breakfasted. Then handed him to carer for lunch and started researching care homes, only to be called back to watch him in the evening because he had sprouted a huge lump on his head (he said he dropped an (empty) suitcase on it), so he's back into hospital.

Meanwhile, I see the report of his fall has been written up in his file on a form entitled "aggressive behaviour and assault". Are they a) accusing him of assault? b) accusing us of assaulting him? c) just using the first form that comes to hand?

We need a new thread starting soon. Only 44 poss to go.

sorry to hear this Dint

as for the form, I'm baffled.

I am not doing well today. I know that others are having a much tougher time of it, but I think it is also the time of year. DS (17) is still doing badly with his MH. We have spent the past 2 months on tenterhooks. This Xmas has been grim. Saw DM today who was miffed that I didn't put her tree up for her (absolutely no reason that she couldn't do it herself, it is a little table top thing), went on about that, and the usual round of criticising everyone she knows, including me for my weight, general laziness for not bothering to put my own tree up, etc.

The thing is, I can't see a way that my life is going to get anything other than worse. Being a sandwich carer is pretty shit.

When I had DD I had some major complications with the birth. Was thinking earlier that maybe things would have been better if I hadn't made it through. DH would probably have a new wife, and the kids a decent step mother. DB would probably have stepped up to look after DM. Sorry for being so bloody grim, but I can't say this to anyone IRL.

Tomorrow is another day. But almost certainly going to be just as bad, or worse, than today. So nothing for me to look forwards to there.

Sorry for the pity party.

nota

would you like lots of cuddles from, er, me, a total stranger on the internet?!

Have name changed - went to see remaining parent today - on surface appears ok but think she is falling apart with a stiff upper lip - whereas I am just falling apart
I have a thread in relationships - please come and support me
Happy 2019 - just hope it is better for all of us
x

but I can't say this to anyone IRL You can say it to your GP. Trouble with all this crap is when you're in the middle of it, your view of yourself seems like the plain objective truth, and all this CBT and similar stuff just feels like playing games. But your view of yourself is not the truth, and you can, with help, recognise the good things about yourself.

I think you need to back off from DM, who is absorbing a lot of your emotional energy and not giving anything positive in return.

If you need to justify it to yourself - you cannot look after others unless from a position of strength. So the first step in helping those you love is to get yourself into a position where you can admire yourself.

I'm preaching this, but I have my own battles. At the moment I can accept that I am incredibly important to my father's and husband's wellbeing ... but when they're gone, I think the world would probably be better without me. So I'm much better doing the theory than the practice.

Just catching up on the thread . Cockroach all

@thighofrelief re equating physical labour with love. Oh yes that a million times. If I went there and spent the day clearing the garden or some other physical activity she would be full,of praise. What she doesn't get is the angst and stress and time consuming waste spent on phone calls, following up arrangements, driving to and fro, negotiating with all the agencies, dealing with medicsand other h c ps, getting time off work etc.

Also big yes to the h c p s who still try to consult with her when she is confused but fluctuating - and a people pleaser. Example. She told me her leg was hurting. I asked how much on scale 1 to 10. She said 9 when dr examined her and asked if in pain she smiled and said no. 'More an ache than a pain. '

Also @thighofrelief ditto Re the fetching and carrying. I had to do that also and subsequently people have said how appalling they thought it was.

Still carries on today. The district nurse came in and put her coat on a chair. It slipped off onto the floor. Mother noticed it, said: ' grinchly'! And just pointed at it. She would do that a lot when I was a small girl. No wonder we are not close.

Oh nota I am so sorry. Big hugs from me too whether you want it or not.....
And I am so sorry so many of you are having such a c #£& time.
cockroach all- shall I try and start a new thread? Just ready for the new year. Hoping it brings us all peace, joy, health and liberal quantities of Teflon and cockroaches.....

Thanks for the support all, I do appreciate it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3465663-The-new-shiny-2019-thread-for-anyone-caring-for-elderly-parents?watched=1
Ooh I think I’ve done it! Ready when this one is full.
🌺🌺🌺and🍷🍷to you all.

Nota More virtual support sprinting towards you. Have sent the slow-release version. Remember Cadbury's creme eggs will be in the shops soon although probably £1 each...

My day just got weirder
Around 3 rang ward still no sign of stroke consultant so assumed no advice re meds no discharge
At 4 nursing home rang me to say that they had had a call to say DF was being returned to them - good - but........
Discharge to assess pathway funding about to finish so they’d rung CHC assessment team who’d said tough not their problem (in a nutshell) so being discharged but nowhere to go - fab just what you need at 4 ish on NYE
I had to agree to pay LA top up and anything owing after financial assessment commenced before they would agree to let him return! DB is away till end of week so I just said whatever - totally held to ransom and will have to pay for it later
Am so angry but relieved he is out of hospital
It’s bought us a bit of time to make long term decisions but talk about caught between a rock and a hard place
At least I know DF is safe and DM is happy - will deal with shit SW on 2nd and formal complaint and all the aftermath then too
Right now I’m a G n T down, a very large margarita, couple of glasses of Prosecco and am eying up the Glengoyne in time for midnight

I don’t have any money but at £30 a week per head for hospital parking charges a £50 s week top up between 3 of us sounds better - gawd knows how DM will manage without his pension or attendance allowance - will explore options in January for her
If I did the lottery I would cross my fingers but have never been a gambler

Cockroaches to one and all

I'm moving on to new thread. nota I sent you a pm, no idea if it will arrive, but basically big love and I hope things improve soon. pretty much the same for all of us... I will save my rant for start of new thread! xxx