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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Original poster
thesandwich · 26/11/2018 22:35

Yolo, I am so sorry. There might be more going on. Please try and get some sleep. Just focus on doing your dm proud. cockroach 🌺🌺🌺

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 27/11/2018 03:17

glad to find this thread.
My mum is moving into sheltered flats in a couple of weeks, she's having work done on the flat before she moves in - bath replaced with a shower, that kind of thing.
I phoned her last night to see how she is as she was feeling down about getting rid of some of her things that she was hoping we'd have but she wants us to have just about everything and our house is bursting at the seams already.

She was bemoaning how she can't get the bath taken out because the local electrical shop can't find a plumber for her.

I offered to phone round a few plumbers for her but she insisted that that's 'not the done thing' and how she has to wait for the television shop to find her a plumber to take out the bath and was really angry with me for not understanding that.

Then the conversation went on to when she'd move in (the rental is already signed for the flat) but she was insistent that she couldn't move in because she doesn't have a completion date for selling her house and how she doesn't know if she will be able to move in because she can't get a removal man until the day they have completed, she's trying to tell me that she will complete the sale and then look for a removal man. The buyers want to move in before Xmas so they aren't going to accept that!

It's been worrying me all night.

If you're still reading, thanks.

Annandale · 27/11/2018 07:12

Brizzle my mum became quite cognitively affected by her move due to stress plus background mild memory issues. It was awful. Can I suggest you ring the warden of the sheltered flats and make a few things happen that way? Ring the estate agent too. But a warning, even though we have power of attorney for my mother she is furious with us for making her move.

SuperDiaperBaby · 27/11/2018 08:01

yolo thinking of you today. Hoping you managed some sleep. Not sure what to say about DB SIL et al not stepping up even now. Focus on the day - say goodbye as you want to say goodbye with DH and Dds. All the rest can wait. But hope that you get some immediate progress for DH tomorrow.

SuperDiaperBaby · 27/11/2018 08:05

Brizzle I think that it could well be the stress of the move. Well done for helping her to move to something more suitable. It is a worry when there is so much confusion but I find smiling and being fairly non commital then changing the subject to safer ground can help to reduce anxiety.

FinallyHere · 27/11/2018 08:31

Thinking of you yolo especially today

brizzledrizzle · 27/11/2018 09:26

But a warning, even though we have power of attorney for my mother she is furious with us for making her move.

Don't I know it, we're going through that with my father (parents are not together) who is furious with me - though he doesn't know who is furious with.

It's the first time Mum has been like that; she's shown signs of confusion but yesterday she was annoyed that I seemed to be doubting that a television shop (that's all they sell, tv, radio etc) was the appropriate place to be organising a plumber.

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 09:40

Brizzle and Annandale, sorry to hear this

in terms of making people move, I hadn't realised PoA could actually give that much power. so did your folks have a preference to stay in their home with a carer or were they just refusing any help at all? I thought that's where social services would step in, I didn't realise PoA was a help there.

CabbagePatchCheryl · 27/11/2018 10:12

Morning all - sorry I've been awol - Arnie (DB) was up for the weekend. What have I missed?

yolo sending a massive hug for today

brizzledrizzle · 27/11/2018 10:13

We have POA but Mum decided to move herself so we've not had to use it. The conversation last night was the first confirmation that there is something going on with her memory - I've had suspicions for a while though but nothing that was enough to go on

thighofrelief · 27/11/2018 10:55

Hi All - have been skiving and running around with my fingers in my ears shouting "don't care, don't care ha ha don't care". Am slightly sane again now.

Cabbage what did Arnold want, to show you his lovely hair?

Fancypants (DSis) was up for the weekend and knocked herself out for 2 days mwa ha ha ha. She rearranged furniture, hauled Dad upstairs for a bath, cut his hair and sorted all their Alexa/phone/TV/wifi shenanigans. Bloody lovely, I did fuck all except for dog walk and snooze and watch Netflix.

Took the Toothfairy for his implants on Thursday and Friday and there will probably be more dental visits this week. I have popped in and out with M&D and taken bits of shopping, kept Dad company so Mum can get her hair done but I feel oddly disengaged.

Like I just don't care. I do, I love them to bits but I feel really disassociated like I'm floating on the ceiling looking down and saying "oh dear, oh well I'm sure it'll work out" - have I gone mad?

Yolo wishing you strength for today.

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 12:16

@thighofrelief

"feel oddly disengaged"

probably a coping mechanism? I'd welcome the times it comes through. I had a couple of days like that when dad was ill but the rest of the time was just raging anxiety. so I would def take advantage of the days you feel like that!

Annandale · 27/11/2018 15:26

Mum consistently said she wanted to move, picked the location etc but I think really it was a fantasy. We have been worried for a long time about where she used to be in terms of the future, she was very dependent on a car etc
We tried to help and then she was so incapable of completing any of the actions or following through (3 weeks claiming daily she was about to ring the estate agent, trying to organise all viewings on the same day she was in town so she never saw anywhere nice etc) that we ended up 'helping' more than she feels we should have done, and she hates the place she bought. Poa meant we could legally ring the bank for her etc (all her decisions, honestly) but tbh most people just seem to take your word for it, so you are on the phone with a constant running commentary from your mum but none of them turn a hair.

brizzledrizzle · 27/11/2018 15:42

that we ended up 'helping' more than she feels we should have done, and she hates the place she bought.

We had the exact same situation with my father.

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 16:18

Annandale and Brizzle - I see.

I have no idea how I will cope if mum gets irrational like that.

Annandale · 27/11/2018 16:37

From my experience grace - just leave it and deal with crises as they come up. Also, don't think that if you'd done X or y action that it would all have been perfect. It's imo not really possible to get it completely 'right'. Extreme old age is too complicated and unpleasant for that.

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 16:42

mum is 80

her older brother is 83 and they're both still fine in that way...we don't have a history of dementia in the family but we do have a history of heart disease.

I know mum doesn't want to hit extreme old age, she's so worried about all the declines that can come with it.

Annandale · 27/11/2018 16:42

Also absolutely DON'T step in to try to prevent your loved one being embarrassed in front of other people. They won't remember or believe that their actions were irrational or facepalmingly 'wrong' in any normal situation. They might at a push remember that someone was rude to them but not why. I know that sometimes we acted to prevent our own embarrassment too and that was wrong of us.

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 16:46

Annandale, why is it wrong? Sorry if that sounds stupid.

Annandale · 27/11/2018 16:52

Because we were almost at the completion point (house sold, full of boxes, offer made and accepted, exchanged both ends) and she wanted to pull out of all of it. We couldn't bear to let her do it imo.

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 16:54

oh....but exchanging without completing leads to massive ££ penalty doesn't it?

Annandale · 27/11/2018 16:58

It would cost less than moving again in 6montgs which is what she wants to do. We have some hope that she'll settle eventually. At the moment it's miserable. Going over there tomorrow [girds loins]

Grace212 · 27/11/2018 17:02

oh Annandale...I'll cross everything that she doesn't want to move again!

brizzledrizzle · 27/11/2018 17:33

I have no idea how I will cope if mum gets irrational like that.

Wine, tissues and an occasional post on MN about it. You just get on with it, much the same as you are getting on with what you are dealing with it - we're all doing it just in different ways.

yolofish · 27/11/2018 20:10

ok so by now mum will be ashes...

funeral went ok, everyone said it was a lovely personal service - they're not going to say it was shit are they?!

DB and SIL plus one daughter were on time, and in fact had time for lovely walk around local harbour town while I was running around like blue-arsed fly all morning picking up funeral food and organising new antibs for DD1 who had violent reaction to ones prescribed yesterday. Their DD1 couldnt come as 2 out of 3 kids ill and her 'D'H ( who is violent) couldnt step in. DD2 unavailable due to early pregnancy worries.

Three of my Irish cousins came, and stayed til the bitter end - how can 3 people who I barely know come and do that and be so supportive when my own brother, my mother's son, fucks off after 2.5 hours of being nice to people?

Really, really fucked off with my brother tbh. Anyway, can barely see now with tiredness/red wine so must go to bed and see what more shit tomorow brings.. cockroach and much love to you all xx