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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
yolofish · 25/12/2018 20:50

oh jace. My DH is only 56 and has stage 3 bowel cancer. (no idea why that is relevant...) hope they see him soon and can give him something to keep him comfortable.

JaceLancs · 25/12/2018 21:15

Thank you
DM has dementia and is sat with me and DS in A & E - am struggling with her as she keeps asking me what day it is - where we are - why we are there n fretting about her door keys
I want to scream

SuperDiaperBaby · 25/12/2018 21:47

Jace what a way to end Chirstmas Day. Sorry - I recognise that frustration with the day, the keys, why are we here? I hope you get DH seen.

Cockroach to all.

SuperDiaperBaby · 25/12/2018 21:48

Sorry DF

MrsBertBibby · 25/12/2018 22:04

Cockroaches all round.

Been too flat out all December but read some of this thread. Mum is getting worse at a terrifying rate, and exhausting dad. Now diagnosed with alzheimer's but still nothing offered for her raging anxiety. Spent Christmas Eve afternoon in bed with her, singing carols and reassuring her every 2 minutes that Dad wasn't lost, he was just in the next room doing the church accounts. 2 days before that she was sobbing in bed that she would die in the night while her family tried to party downstairs. She is living in blind terror. It's horrific.

Big hugs to all on here, and happy Xmas.

MrsBertBibby · 25/12/2018 22:05

Any news Jace? We are so scared of Dad getting sick.

JaceLancs · 25/12/2018 22:07

After not mentioning it for 10 weeks ish as in since DF had stroke - tonight she’s fixated on why he hasn’t got his dentures in and where they are!!!!
I need gin desperately - oh forgot to mention on this thread I also developed a roof leak in my dining room today over table so sat with bowl dodging drips whilst eating Xmas lunch n worrying about how much the repairs will cost

JaceLancs · 25/12/2018 22:11

They have decided to admit him for monitoring for 24-48 hours but don’t seem that worried
Just waiting for bed then I will go through all his details n feeding regime (NSG) etc plus meds
I think it’ll be a long night then need to take DM home n calm her down n get her to bed - hopefully without her ringing me through the night
I can’t unplug phone in case it’s a call re DF

MrsBertBibby · 25/12/2018 22:36

Christ that's a hard night Jace.

foxyknoxy30 · 25/12/2018 22:53

Needing a wee hand hold have phoned the emergency Dr to get an ambulance out to my mum merry feckin Christmas hugs to all

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/12/2018 22:55

Jace Flowers (but being virtual flowers they won't add to your troubles by needing to be carries all around A&E)

Grace212 · 25/12/2018 23:19

jace foxy handholds for you both Flowers

JaceLancs · 25/12/2018 23:30

Hope you get help quickly for your Mum foxyknoxy30
I was v impressed with speed of ambulance service here (DD works for them which she loves)
A & E had only 2 people in waiting room although we whizzed through with stretcher
Just waiting to speak to staff then I can leave
DM was becoming too difficult so I called DS as back up - he has taken her home to sort whilst I stay with DF
I am so proud of both my DC and couldn’t cope as well without their help

notaflyingmonkey · 26/12/2018 06:16

Handholds to Jace and Foxy, ending up in hospital on Christmas Day with a DP must be hellish. Bert yours also sounds hellish - you can't go on like that. Can you go back to her GP and raise the issue of her anxiety - have they tested her for a urine infection?

For those who have recently lost a DP, the 'firsts' are hard (first Xmas, first birthday, etc). Today is a new day, and we are heading towards a new year.

Hope everyone else got through it relatively unscathed.

I doubled up on my Prozac which I would strongly recommend for next year.

thighofrelief · 26/12/2018 06:55

Jace and Foxy what a terrible way to spend Christmas Day, I'm so sorry and hope your DP is OK.

Monkey yy to Prozac doubling, just upped the citalopram to 40 here.

Well, it's Boxing Day, it's done. We had a quiet time here and basically just had a roast dinner and watched movies and napped.

I took M&D over a large plate of Christmas Dinner and other bits of Christmas food which they enjoyed and ate a fair amount of. There's enough for today too.

Need to get the GP to send district nurses again. Dad's bum is developing a pressure sore again and Mum has had no help re her bowel problem.

Basically it's all just bum problems. If anyone would like to put us oldie wranglers forward for a pub quiz team I'm perfectly happy to cover bums and laundry.

thighofrelief · 26/12/2018 07:02

Mum was pleasant yesterday which was rather shocking and literally thanked and praised me. The bodyswappers must have been in, whoever has the mean version - sorry no backsies.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 26/12/2018 08:08

More handholding from me, for anyone in need.

We had some moments yesterday when it seemed the bodyswappers had been here, too - a few welcome breaks from the vitriol and negativity. And today is another day.

Windgate · 26/12/2018 08:16

Managed my first Christmas Day not sitting by a parent in hospital in five years. Missing DF so much. 'D'M still had to get her nasty little digs in though.
ThanksGin or whatever else helps to all of you who spent yesterday in hospital with your elderly parents.

So now Boxing Day is here so I have the delights of my mother's passive aggressive even downright aggressive behaviour whist Golden Child lazes on a beach in the sunshine. Oh and yes mother I do know about all the nasty things you say behind my back.

thighofrelief · 26/12/2018 08:24

Windgate these Golden Children need to take care of their tans! Otherwise they become pasty, frazzled hags like me.

foxyknoxy30 · 26/12/2018 09:23

Thank you for everyone's kind responses and my heart goes out to everyone of you ,it's such a shit club to be in that no one really would ever wish to join! My brother was actually through last night, as he has just split with his partner and has more time, and usually hospital admissions are all left to me to deal with but I just cracked last night unable to cope so for once I basically made him do it!!only thing is don't know what's happening as not answering his phone and am going crazy wondering! !so my lovely meal planned today with family is now cancelled as we need to deal with poor mum😣I feel so sorry for my kids and wish I could pull the duvet over me and sleep !!Any survival tips gratefully received.

JaceLancs · 26/12/2018 09:40

Sorry foxy my only survival tip is gin but only in an evening and if I have a dedicated driver nearby!
Got home in early hours had cheese on toast and dessert from Xmas lunch that I missed
DM must’ve been worn out too as didn’t start ringing till 7.30 to find out what was going on
I think I’ve fobbed her off for a few hours and will see her when I go and visit DF in hospital later
I am having DM round at mine tonight for a meal etc which could be hard work but DS is around to help
DD has promised to help in some way today even if it’s only to let me offload over coffee somewhere
Good luck to all dealing with their oldies on Boxing Day

Windgate · 26/12/2018 09:59

thighofrelief that made me chuckle, thank you

yolofish · 26/12/2018 12:29

wishing teflon, wine and cake to those of you going through the mill at the moment.
just had a lovely walk with old friend who's mum now in a home near here, she is kind of at the start of the process I went through from June-Nov. was very good to see her and to chat about how shit it all is, and how siblings can be very much worse than useless.
courage mes braves, you are not alone.

countrygirl99 · 26/12/2018 16:57

Wow, my stresses were nothing compared to some. Hand holds to all who need them.
PILs had there diamond wedding recently and we arranged for a card from the Queen, for Christmas we gave them a special frame to put it in. MIL was in tears and FIL phoned to say she had insisted (despite not being able to speak she can be very clear in her views on some matters!) that he put it up as soon as they got home yesterday.
Then he let on that he has had blood in his urine for a few days. Always potentially serious but he is on warfarin and so it's doubly "see doctor straight away". Except he is refusing see his GP as he is worried he might be admitted to hospital and than MIL would need to go in a care home for a while. OH couldn't convince him that it might just need a drug change or antibiotics and that leaving it could be much worse. Sigh.

JaceLancs · 26/12/2018 19:45

Went to visit DF tonight he was obviously very restless, wet through and in pain, coughing badly which wasn’t helped by bad position in bed
Really upset me as couldn’t get help as they are obviously more short staffed than usual
In end DD (ex nurse) and I sorted him out which probably isn’t allowed but I just couldn’t leave him
I will go again first thing in morning and try and catch medics on their rounds