Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Got mum at mine tonight for Xmas leftovers and a bit of company
I’m relying on gin - retro tv (she’s currently watching morecambe and wise) to get through the night
Also planning on cards and dominoes etc

Christmas lunch with my mother turned out better than I expected - she seemed to enjoy it and was positively chatty at times, albeit that she was pretty confused about the kids' names and was repeating herself a lot. Today I went over with a present someone had dropped in for her, and again the visit started out positively with her saying how much she had enjoyed herself yesterday. But then she got her diary out and struggled to understand that someone who is down to visit on Sunday wasn't coming today and we were back at square one with her moaning about how confusing it all was. Yet again, I left to the merry sound of her screaming in frustration..

It's so difficult - it's like treading on glass, literally anything can get her worked up. So often I can turn up to find her happily reading a paper only for her to work herself up to screaming point by the time I leave. I seriously wonder whether visiting her does any favours at all.

Tonight went better than expected
Dominoes and simple card games worked well and Mum could still add up scores with a bit of help
DS is just running his Gran home whilst I tidy up n drink more gin

A bit of history first. DH and I have been together since 1999. Married 2005. Have to DC 8 and 11. I swear my MIL genuinely hates me with a passion. I remember just after DH and got together MIL accused me of stealing her razor! I was soo shocked. I had a go back and told her she was being ridiculous and gross. On our wedding she made a huge fuss and refused to walk to the church which is just down the road so we had to arrange for a car to pick her up at extra expense. Which we could ill afford. She refused to go if we didn’t. Then she took it upon herself to go into the registry and signed it! She was not asked to do this. I then had to invite all her friends who I hardly knew. Looking back I should just have said no. When my DM only had hours left to live I asked MIL to have the GC until DH could pick them up so I could be with my DM. She said no as she had to go to slimming club. She refused to look after DC so I could attend both my parents funerals as she wanted to go herself! I remember after she found out I’d had a miss carriage she ignored me and just walked out the house. Loads of horrible behaviour. I could go on. Well this last year has been the worst. She’s started accusing me of stealing again. This time she’s convinced I have ornaments and paintings in my house that I’ve apparently stolen from her house. Stealing money. Pushing her physically away. I’ve also been accused of breaking into her house in the middle of the night and taking the hems of her trousers down! So six months ago DH and I after doing some research came to the conclusion that MIL is probably showing signs of dementia. I went NC as my company obviously makes her uncomfortable and anxious. DH has tried to get her to go to her GP but she says that I’m doing these things to make her out to be demented. He’s seen her GP who couldn’t do anything until she came to him. So this Xmas she’s refused an invite to come for dinner (I was relieved tbh but didn’t want an 83 on her own on Xmas day) so I offered for DH to take an Xmas dinner round but she snapped “I DONT WANT NOTHING”. The kids are luckily too wrapped up in being happy kids to realise grandma doesn’t come round anymore. DH takes DC to her every week or so. He delivers fish and chips to her every Friday and drops in weekly if she needs anything. She’s nearly blind and has hearing aids. However, MIL still maintains other friendships. Has a “male friend” and other groups and friendships. No one has said she’s behaving strangely. It’s like all her venom, every problem or any inexplicable thing that goes wrong is my fault!
Where do I go from here? Stay NC? Approach her directly? DH is going to talk to her again soon about her behaviour. Try for a GP visit again. Is this dementia or a personality disorder-which MIL has history for.

First Christmas in many years without parents. They both have dementia and moved into a nursing home this summer. We are away - not too far - DD1 very astutely said we needed to start making some new memories.

lala I'm sorry but I snorted at breaking in to her house to let her trousers down.
As she's not your own DM i would stay away and just support your DH in caring for her.

Lala that sounds hellish it must be so hard to constantly listen to the horrible accusations but I agree all you can do is support your DH and be there 💐

Lala - As the others say, that sounds really tough. I’ve tried several times to enlist the help of my mother’s GP and, like your husband, have been told that they can’t help until she approaches them. But I’ve been talking about this with a friend who’s a health care professional, who suggested that the GP might be more responsive if I point out that (in my mother’s circumstances) there are safeguarding issues. I haven’t tried yet so don’t know if it’ll work, but it might be worth trying, to break the impasse.

Lala your MIL sounds very like my M. Treated me badly all my life and now she has dementia her behaviour towards me is even worse. The advice to step completely way and just support your DH is spot on.

Your DH might like to speak to Adult Services and arrange for an assessment under the Care Act to ensure she is getting all the support she needs.

Amazingly FIL listened for once and saw the GP today. He is booked in for a scan to check his kidneys tomorrow morning so OH will be looking after his mum. Mad panic to re-arrange a vet appointment as I'm already back at work. Turns out he has been taking CBD oil for a few weeks which can interact with warfarin. He is being very cagey about whether he checked with the GP before he started or has told him now, so we are guessing he hasn't.

oh jesus countrygirl self-medicators are the worst! my mum would take anything and everything under the sun and then wonder why she fell over...

lala I agree with the others - take a step right back (having unravelled the trouser hems obvs) and support your DH while he deals with it. Calling adult social services and raising safeguarding issues is a good idea.

did more sorting at mums today, have sent DB a list of furniture that he needs to decide if he wants or else the minute we exchange contracts I am getting rid. AND told him that as soon as we exchange he and SIL and DN with van need to get up here asap to take stuff away so I can get the rest cleared...

Well, now it turns out it's not a svan tomorrow, just a blood test at the GPs that can be fitted around carer visits so OH is on stand down. We have decided we are going to tell everyone that next Christmas we are off to the Welsh cottage we stayed in on holiday - no coverage on any mobile network and snails pace wifi.

Well reading your Christmas stories puts mine into perspective. I'm sorry to those of you who have had really difficult times. My mum stayed 2 nights with us over Christmas and managed to fall over twice while she was here. She was agitated the whole time and I realise that it will be the last time she can stay as her dementia has got considerably worse. She phoned yesterday and today asking for the keys to her medicine cabinet (she doesn't have access and never has) and saying that no carers have been in (they have, I have checked). She gets so angry with me as she is convinced she is right and although I try very hard not to engage I find it difficult to reassure her without antagonising her mood further. She has a CT scan on 7th Jan to confirm the dementia diagnosis but I spent Boxing Day looking up local care homes as I can't see her managing much longer. Today I preferred a wheelchair so I can get her from the car to the hospital for her scan. Cockroach to all.

@countrygirl99 I like your thinking!

all round

Piglet how old is your mum? Do you have PoA for asking her to go in a home?

My mum is 87 and yes I have POA for both finance and health. She has been saying in her more lucid moments that she would prefer to be somewhere she can be taken care of. I don't think she can be bothered to prepare food even if it just needs heating up. She often doesn't wash or get dressed even though she is physically able to. She would be self funding for a home and I guess that lots of homes have a long waiting list although I really am stepping into the abyss on this as I know nothing.

Piglet good that she has said that, for a minute there I had visions of you dealing with someone unwilling to go.

At one point I had to research care homes for my dad and was surprised to find places available in my first 2 choices, so I hope you have good luck with it.

good luck piglet, if she changes her mind you still need to know that she is safe from falling over, or at least will be picked up and looked after.

Thanks Grace and Yolo. I am hoping that by being prepared it might make things easier and if she does change her mind then I will have to trust myself to do what is right for her. She fell in the shower in the summer and lay there for 2 days as she had tied her emergency cord up "out of the way". She is so much worse since then.

Had a horrendous day today - turned up at hospital at 10 earliest allowed for visiting to find I’d missed Drs rounds - managed to find out they’d reconnected DF NSG tube last night for liquid foods which he is on plus oral trials and he’d started vomiting so back to nil by mouth IV fluids he’d also aspirated some of it so now chesty and at risk of pneumonia so on antibiotics
However they have been refusing to give him any other meds until NSG reviewed by SALT and nutrition team
I can’t believe how much this has caused him to deteriorate in 24 hours
Waited all day for therapist visits which never happened so had to insist they try other options - I decided I would not leave until they did something which took till 7 tonight
They still won’t feed but at least he’s had his meds
I also arranged to have his specially adapted wheelchair delivered and ensured they noted in care plan that he needed to be hoisted out of bed and into it for a minimum of 2 hours daily
Eventually they did do so and it was a joy to see how much it improved him both coughing and alertness and general cognition
I realise it’s an even worse time of year for staffing levels but the lack of basic care and hygiene is distressing
I ended up asking for stuff and giving him an old fashioned bed bath myself they hadn’t even cleaned up the vomit from last night
I also dealt with his eyes and got pharmacy to replace his eye drops as the ones sent in from nursing home had not been kept refrigerated and had to be thrown away
There was lots more but I’m aware this post is long enough
Add in DM to the mix and I’m feeling pretty frazzled
Have got hospital to agree to let me on ward at 8 if I stay in day room - I’m not risking missing out on updating all the appropriate people his needs tomorrow
Home now with DS cat on knee and a large gin
Hope you are all having a better day

Jace that's appalling, so sorry he's going through this - and you.

contact PALS?

Jace just saw from your other thread that he has a Social Worker - any way they can help with this awful hospital care?

SW is based in hospital as part of discharge team and is not v helpful
I am hoping things improve tomorrow - I don’t want to get peoples backs up so will avoid pals if possible
Last time DF was in hospital it took me a few days to work out who to get on side and who were the ones who would help or the ones who needed to know I was in hawk mode
Hopefully things will improve soon it’s just very tiring and stressful

Jace that sounds very stressful. I found that it is very hard when you are dealing with more than one specialism. Very little coordination it seems. Hope it's better tomorrow.

Thank you **Thighofrelief, Foxynoxy30, Morecheerfulmonica, Windgate and Yolofish for your replies of support and advice. I’ve spoken to DH with your ideas on how to get MIL assessed. Great idea especially to mention safe guarding to GP and I’ll continue to be NC with MIL and support DH all I can. DH reckons MIL no longer cooks at home anymore, preferring to eat sandwiches instead. Thank you again