Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

@grace 212 - I will be around on Xmas day after The Visit.

I loathe and despise this time of year, also have SAD. Can't wait for it to be over. Trouble is it ramps up earlier and earlier each year doesn't it.

Grinchly yes it does ramp up earlier. The fact that I'm not working and/or commuting into central London has been a help though. No dodging the xmas party and other work xmas related things...no having to run errands at lunchtime and weave round shoppers. Having to use annual leave at a time I'd never use it, because the office is closed....

I always used to work in places the office was open when I was in my 20s - I haven't checked but I think that those places now close for the bit between Xmas and New Year as well so I think it's been a cultural change.

there is a pub open near mum on Xmas Day. I'd happily go alone - she def won't want to go - but I can't really leave her alone. If it's a nice day I can go for a walk for 30 mins but that's probably it really. Poor mum, she is still having flashbacks to the condition dad was in before he died.

No matter what gets put in place I can't switch off. For me it's the telephone calls. Using this rehab period to recharge batteries, then yesterday morning got a call from a carer who couldn't find clean pyjamas and threw in for good measure that DF said he was going to a big family gathering in Lincolnshire in the afternoon. In the evening we settled down to some mindless Netflix and the phone rang again... fortunately DS, but my stress levels were immediately back up again.

thigh you are having it doubly difficult with two parents with conflicting needs. So glad I've only got one!

Thank you to everyone for the empathy last night. Things haven't been great for a couple of years but the last year has been relentless. Hope you all manage to have a very Happy Christmas 🎄

I have been up for 6 hours. So far I have had 8 phone calls either from my father or about my father.

I don't post often ( Both parents now passed ) but I wish everyone and their families on here a Merry Christmas without too many dramas

Make that 8

Sorry, I mean 9.

Dint wine, gin etc for you
What are all these calls about?!

Well we thought we had Christmas all planned. PILs usually go to BIL as their home is more wheel chair friendly than our cottage but they are away this year. Invited PILs over months ago, explained that we don't eat until the evening as I have a 12 mile round trip to do the horses in the afternoon and that was all fine. We always have a late fry up, no lunch then eat around 6/6.30.
Doing horses earlier than usual so we can eat at 4.30 to suit MIL. Lots of young and froing to check that we have suitable dishes for MIL who is on a soft diet due to swallowing difficulties.
OH has gone down with a cold and phoned ILs at 3.15 to warn them in case they didn't want to come. Still fine. Asked for the umpteenth time when they plan to arrive and he announced about 10 as they will need to leave about 3! If OH hadn't had a cold they would have arrived as we were tucking into breakfast with the roast unprepared. Compromise is earlier light breakfast , which scuppers visiting son's plans for a ride on his old horse, and a light lunch. Except we haven't catered for a light lunch so OH is heading for the nearest supermarket (9 miles away) to see what on earth he can buy.
If he had said even a couple of weeks ago I could have arranged for someone else to do the horses but I'm doing someone elses horses. We only made the arrangement less than 2 weeks ago to enable her to host her parents in a late change of plans. Otherwise we could have sorted something out between us.

Grace 5 were administrative - setting up Meals on Wheels, cancelling carers for Christmas Day, arranging delivery for living aids etc. One was from the carer saying he'd refused to get up. The rest (and we're up to 11 now) were him grumbling, then him having difficulty with operating stairlift. But he was mighty chuffed when I managed to talk him through it and he got it to move.

Oh countrygirl! I'd be furious! Your post is very restrained. At least my DF always asks what time we want him here. I'd have been so tempted to say "Oh, sorry, we're not eating till 6.0, remember we told you about this? - so if you've got something else happening do you want to leave it and come over on, say, Thursday, instead?"

Trouble is I only have 25th & 26th off work and we are going to my parents Boxing Day so can't even jiggle days. OH has managed to find some extra food but apparently it's all beige food that he thinks I will hate. I was thinking we invited them in August but when I phoned my youngest son to tell him the change of plans he reminded me it was in June. So he has had 6 m9nths to.say the timings didn't suit. We could have made alternative catering arrangements even a few days ahead. I've just about calmed down now but I'm not sure if I will reach the goodwill to all men stage.

Well I had a fairly successful day. I went round and sprung Dad and brought him to my house "to give Mum a rest". When we took him back several hours later she got out of bed to ignore us and say she would now try to sleep. Sadly I'm so stupid that i didn't notice she was ignoring me, gosh I'm dumb. I also gave Dad his presents over at mine so he could enjoy them without her jealousy. I gave her hers when I got back and she dropped them in a corner without looking, i didn't notice that either. She rang GTits to say it is a very bad idea to take him to my house as it will make his dementia worse. GT said it will perk him up and give her a rest.

Dint i can imagine your Dad being very chuffed to have mastered the stair lift!

Now i have to try and remember where I've stashed the kids presents and put them in their sacks. No wrapping this year, thankfully they are very practical and forgiving lads.

Merry Christmas everybody and thank you all for laughing with, supporting and comforting me through these dark times.

Well I knew today would be bad but didn't anticipate this

Mum has heart problems and was feeling ill so I called 111. paramedics came and confirmed all fine and probably just grief. But now I feel on the point of collapse. I can't hide it from mum either.

Oh crikey grace I am sorry- a huge hug from me.
thigh well done on the dadnap- sounds a great plan and well done gtits!
dint you must be exhausted- but well done for getting your df sorted.
yolo thinking of you.
Sending a huge hug to everyone on this thread- thank you all for the support, humour, honesty and laughs in the darkness.
Hoping you all have as much peace as possible. 🍷🍷🌺🌺

Would it be ok for me to join? Been lurking for a while but tbh don't even know where I would start ,will try and explain when I feel stronger, (having a really bad time with DM )and just about coping.Only thing is knowing people understand ,although it's a hellish situation for anyone, at least I don't feel quite as alone when I see this thread. Christmas is only happening for me cause of my children if it wasn't for them and my DH would have crumbled long time ago .Thanks

foxy you are very welcome! So sorry have to join us- feel free to rant and say the unsayable, loads of folk who understand...

Hello, Foxy, and welcome. Talk to us more when you feel able, but I think I already get the gist - your post sums up how I feel much of the time. Would you care to join me in a festive sherry anaesthetic?

Thank you guys ,the thing is in my heart I am still the child needing looked after not the other way round (selfish I know plus am 44!!! 🤔)sometimes I feel so bloody angry at life!!! this Christmas and last have been so utter shit with both parents requiring constant care .At least my dad now in a home with parkinsons and is safe and sound to a point but things with my mum ,where do I start !!!! Am exhausted from all the work and worrying !!!sometimes I feel terrified this is my life for years to come but then also terrified of losing my mum 😣I swing from.my heartbreaking to wanting to kill her 😥and every single day at least numerous disasters to deal with !!how the hell do I keep going and being a parent, feel as if I neglect my kids,oh as well as trying to work!I spend many hours at my mums as well as my DH and she still makes me feel guilty that I am not there enough Wtf!!!sorry not a lot of people understand in RL and just need to unload apologies

foxy, folk here understand all the feelings you describe. It’s crap. Does your dm have any carers etc? You cannot do it all. You deserve time with your family.

Hi foxy
Welcome along
Say whatever you need to say here.