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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 23:24

Grace it's about a 10 minute drive if the road is clear....London, you know how variable that gets. When i got there they also wanted some soup heated and brought to them and a small chat. So i guess it took 45-50 minutes on top of the session this morning. Plus in the middle of the day my I'm unofficially adopted sister also popped in and made them a sandwich and a cup of tea and gave them a bit of chat. So they've had 3 visits and pretty sure they still feel neglected.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 23:26

I hope Mum will be back on her feet very, very soon cos I'm not looking after 2 olds at this level.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 23:29

ah, yes, indeed, London traffic I could bore on for hours about variations in bus journey times over the years

I thought they were quite active - they can't heat soup? they definitely need carers - this can't continue.

unofficially adopted sister - I missed something here...

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 23:30

well, active in the sense your DM still drives I think? I know your dad can't walk far but can he potter a little in the kitchen to make sandwiches etc? If not, then professional help is definitely needed.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 23:38

The unofficially adopted sister is a refugee from a war torn African country (bear with me here). Anyway i made friends with her about 15 years ago then she met my family and then took a job as M&Ds cleaner. All her family, what's left of it, is still back there and she just slotted in and Dad gave her away at her wedding etc. We get called "the white family" by her friends.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 23:42

Mum was ok apart from bowels before the overdose so hoping this is temporary. Dad can't make anything as is more or less blind and mild dementia but not really safe with kettle and microwave.

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 00:06

Nice about your sister Smile

I guess the hospital discharged on the basis that you would care for them?

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 18:18

slightly irrelevant but as this board feels like home...and I'm afraid I've worried my mum....

I've just had an annual meltdown that normally occurs around the shortest day/Xmas - very bad SAD and all that. I cannot WAIT for this time of year to be over. I realise it's worse due to the circumstances but somehow that doesn't make the immediacy of it feel better.

I really hope there's some MNers around on Xmas Day....I was going to start a chat thread but I suppose I have to wait and see how mum is before disappearing to be online for a chunk of the day.

yolofish · 23/12/2018 19:13

thigh I am so sorry you had to do the remote control visit, that's really not on, esp when it turns into a much longer thing. I would have been really shirty about that. cockroach to you all xx

Original poster
thesandwich · 23/12/2018 20:13

grace I am so sorry- big hug from me. yolo hope you can find some small moments with your family.
🌺🍷🍷to all. cockroach

OP posts:
Windgate · 23/12/2018 20:32

i just can't do the being called a liar or the aggression anymore. Where do I go from here? Golden Child leaves the fridge empty and mum without any money but I get the grief. I'm so empty.

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 20:36

oh Windgate
big hugs xx

Windgate · 23/12/2018 20:39

Grace thank you I'm so tired

yolofish · 23/12/2018 21:40

windgate exhaustion totally understood so just big hugs.

Mum died on Nov 1, the exhaustion of her awful last 5 months and the previous 10 years of increasing worry/care/stress has still not left me. I think we underrate how bloody hard it is, and when others - family, friends, ss etc - see us doing it and appearing to cope its easy to put it out of their minds. Because we all do appear to cope, because we have no other option. Not sure where I'm going with this one!

Original poster
thesandwich · 23/12/2018 21:48

Oh yolo, I understand what you mean. The grind, eating away, over years. 🌺🌺🍷🍷

OP posts:
yolofish · 23/12/2018 22:27

yup sandwich that is it, the constant grind. For me, mostly the mental load (I never did personal care for mum), but the mental load was immense. And still continues to be, because I am administering the estate, DB fucked back off to knight-in-white-charger-land to await his inheritance, and I've just got an incomprehensible letter from the solicitor about inheritance tax- I can probably provide the answers if I can just clear an hour or so to find the right bits of paper...

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 22:35

yolo does your DB get copies of all the letters? He can sort it!

Wrongwayup · 24/12/2018 05:03

Don't underestimate the mental load. I too have broken. 2019 will all be about self care and oxygen mask on first. Love to all. X

thighofrelief · 24/12/2018 06:04

Hi everyone

I have a bit of a cold so a bit sick and tired. Everything about long term caring is so wrong. Their lives are shit, my life is shit. No matter what gets put in place I can't switch off. I've been lying in bed thinking about my Dad. He's such a lovely man and we have spent so many hours and miles walking my dogs. It's all gone now and I feel i can't spend time with him without Mum getting stupid and jealous. Gummy went over for a cup of tea yesterday and I phoned beforehand and warned Mum he was coming to say Hi and offer Dad a wash and not to do housework. He said he could barely get to Dad for Mum immediately getting him to change the sheets, do the dishwasher and generally be her handmaid. Gummy was a little cool with her and when he was upstairs changing sheets he could hear her screaming at Dad that he was her grandson and how dare he be angry.

thighofrelief · 24/12/2018 06:08

Wrong me too, i get it. Oxygen masks.

thighofrelief · 24/12/2018 06:11

I think I need counselling but I'm held together with sellotape atm and if i fall apart we're all fucked.

thighofrelief · 24/12/2018 06:14

I really want to see Dad today but ss are going, i think assessments rather than carers, so best if i am not around. Also i may give them my cold and my house is a shit heap i really want to tidy up for Christmas.

notaflyingmonkey · 24/12/2018 08:08

Thigh depending on whether your health authority subscribes, you might be able to get free online therapy:
www.iesohealth.com/en-gb
I've been using it for the past few weeks because of the situation with Gummy's apprentice, and it has really helped me.

Grace212 · 24/12/2018 08:41

thigh sorry you have a cold, bloody evil things. (I'm the person who chases the coldy colleague away from my desk, lol).

sorry also for how you feel Flowers

you say "Everything about long term caring is so wrong". I tend to imagine that. My parents have always felt strongly that they'd rather strangers do the practical bits of care - I do hope mum stays with that feeling.

thighofrelief · 24/12/2018 09:35

Monkey thank you, i will check that out.