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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Grace212 · 22/12/2018 14:09

that was meant to be Flowers
!

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 14:28

Just back from M&Ds, I think Mum is a bit shocked at my new mantra (oxygen mask). I turned up with food and made tea, dressed Dad and got breakfast. Mum had a long, long mental list for me to do which included moving several boxes of heavy books to the shed, moving 2 beds downstairs from upstairs (how).

I got straight on the phone to a multi service company we use and booked 2 men for 2 hours tomorrow to do all the shifting, I used her credit card to book it and said - write a list and hand it to the professionals.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 14:33

I also said I am leaving after 2 hours because I'm not leaving my youngest alone anymore. I feel bad but tired of the squeaky gate getting the most oil.

I'll pop over daily for up to 2 hours but that's it, I'm not doing the fucking manual labour anymore.

So glad I had a bath last night if i had left it again till morning I would have gone without again. No more!

billysboy · 22/12/2018 14:39

Yolo

I know what you mean about xmas , I have to remind myself that it should be a happy time but I am not feeling it at all

It was such a full on year with Dad and now he has gone there seems to be such a void , as you say the shortest day has now passed so roll on spring

I am going to clear out his house before NYE so that I can get a fresh start to 2019

Love to you all x

ParoxetineQueen · 22/12/2018 14:41

Been lurking for a while, I’m better off than most of you now DM is in a funded nursing home, but I share so much with you all, it’s lovely to know there are people out there who don’t judge. My rant for today is my DB who has been babied by DM for all of his 60+ years is incapable of using an oven. Every time I visit DM instructs me to get a cleaner for him, never mind my house is a shit tip. That’s my inheritance!

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/12/2018 14:45

Well done thigh!

How do you find a "multi service company" - what do they advertise themselves as?

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 14:52

thigh what's with all the shifting stuff? what is it for? and how come they ask you?

my mum doesn't even want me washing dishes after dinner, because she thinks I've got too much on with her paperwork and bills.

I'm beginning to feel a bit of a fraud on this board - my mum is still okay really for her age, and not demanding. It's mostly me wanting to look after her as she's obviously less than 2 months after losing dad.

we're lucky to have each other really. It just came as a shock to spend so much time there after 17 years of living alone and being totally uninterrupted in my home space/time.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 14:52

Dint they're called Fantastic Services, they do everything removals, window cleaning, handyman, dog walking, gardening, cleaning - everything. I don't know if they are only in London, i don't think so.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 14:54

PS thigh I can see why beds need to be moved from upstairs to downstairs, but the other stuff I found a bit confusing.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 14:57

Grace they have a dining room portion to their living room that's unused. When Dad came out of hospital his double bed came downstairs, then it went back upstairs, now she wants the twins from the spare room in the dining room. The living room is in a muddle with everything having been shifted around.

yolofish · 22/12/2018 15:31

well done on getting the professionals in thigh and putting a time limit on things. your mum will probably be a lot less demanding with the professionals, and re the time limit - she will have to live with it. does gummy still 'have' to do nights? do they have enough money to get a 'nice lady' in to sleep over, eg 7pm-7am? we tried this route, didnt actually work because my mum took a dislike and called the police on the lady, but if actual care not required, just having someone sensible in the house then it could be an option? poor gummy cant keep doing it...

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 15:58

Yolo Gummy is mighty pissed off as he found Mum, he feels he did all that caring and she just shat all over his efforts. Obviously it's more complex than that but he's young and still black and white.

I've told him he's only to go over if he wants to and only for recreation rather than outrageous demands. He's finding it hard to amp down but he must.

yolofish · 22/12/2018 16:26

totally understandable on his part thigh - I would actively discourage him doing anything active now, snot fair on him xx for gummy

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 16:39

ParoxetineQueen

sorry I missed your post earlier. Your DB is 60something and doesn't use the oven?

thigh does Gummy live with you? I probably got confused but I thought he lived a distance away or something.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 17:04

Grace no he doesn't but we are all very local and he hangs out here a lot.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 17:25

thigh oh that's handy. I was thinking it would be a bit weird if you travelled to see your family and got handed a bunch of chores!

what I wouldn't give for some useful family support right now....

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 17:28

re Xmas

I just had a neighbour trying to make "helpful" suggestions about how it could be made "better". I don't know why he can't just accept that mum and I will just have to get through Xmas, under the circumstances. Then again, when I reminded him dad hasn't even been dead 2 months, he was a bit "meh". People are weird. Personally I am just looking forward to spring!

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/12/2018 18:04

Fantastic Services Not in our area yet, unfortunately.

Father already has a list of whinges and things to be sorted out. Trouble is he decides on a makeshift "solutions" then demands we implement them; and if we implement a more sensible solution, he finds reasons why it isn't working. We had to remove a grab rail to allow stairlift past - grab rail was only needed to help him walk upstairs, but we aren't half getting grief for it! I should be really happy he's home - but he's driving me mad already. And he's really unhappy about the carers coming in, he just wants to be left alone. Tough, Dad - they're giving me a break.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 19:22

"Fantastic Services" is the kind of thing you wouldn't google at work, just in case Grin

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 22:22

Grace ah, i never thought of that! Perhaps there's a "personal service" section. They offered me a membership package which I took, i may be missing out here!

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 22:24

Had to pop over and use my magical knowledge of remote controls. Yes, hit HOME - like I said on the phone.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 22:24

and even at home, I'm not going to google "Fantastic Services - Personal" Grin

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 22:35

thigh just saw the post about remote controls

you literally popped over to do that? beyond the call of ...well anything really.

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 22:40

Grace i know but what do I do when they call and say the telly's not working and they can't/won't listen long enough for me to explain it? I feel like the biggest bitch "rationing" my time like I'm Beyoncé. I used to willingly hang out with them and have a laugh but they're vampires!

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 22:51

I'd say the TV isn't an essential that warrants you dashing over there, you'll help next time they are there.

I am not Beyonce. (wouldn't it be funny if Beyonce was on MN). I still have to ration my time. We all do. Partly it's rationing sanity as well.

I do get that it's hard, but with what you've said about moving furniture as well, it does feel like a piss take. If you are 2 doors down...yes I can see that you'd go and show them the remote control stuff, but if it's any more than that.... what you have already done for your dad today is the job of a paid trained carer really.

I take my hat off to you but I could not do what you are doing. I've already said to mum that the minute she needs a carer, there will be a paid carer in - it's not a task that's right for me and it would spoil our relationship if I did it. She can afford care so that would be best.