Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

DF home, I'm shattered! Big hiccup with stairlift - engineers head collided with ceiling on the way up, they had to go back to HQ and find a lower chair. May have to remake the track entirely. A worrying couple of hours!

Then DF arrived followed shortly after by the community OT and the reablement assessor. He's getting 3 visits a day for the next couple of weeks. And the OT has cleared the house as safe. Whew! I'm really not sure about district nurses, whether it's been arranged for them to resume or not.

My father is back up to his usual form. I think both assessors will have a very good idea of why I find him so difficult. We ranged over the Met Office, Brexit, NICE and Jo Cox ...and that was just in answer to "when do you usually take your medicines, Dint's dad?"

Well done dint!

hope he keeps safe dint

I am feeling knackered, sad and very deflated. Cant believe its Christmas in a few days - never felt less Christmassy in my life. Its not even down to mum dying, just feel like everything this year has been too much. Thank god the shortest day is now over, bring on the sunshine PLEASE. cockroach to one and all.

yolo I know what you mean! Normally I'd be winding down toward Christmas, looking forward to the day, and so on. This year I've just got a job list - ring meals on wheels, ring GP, etc, etc.

Yolo, if anyone had an annus horribus is 2018, you did.

Best wishes to you and all for 2019.

DM seems to have recovered from an infected gall bladder and is back in her very sheltered housing. The slow decline continues. We were told she would probably be ok there for 3-5 years. It is now 6. Im not sure how much longer she has. Then a care home, and three years of end-stage dementia. These is not the final years she would have wanted. I will contine to haumt these threads like Banquo's ghost.

Best wishes to all.

Oh yolo I am so sorry you are feeling so crap. Sending you hugs, 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷🍫🍫.
cockroach and here’s to return of the sun.

Anyone else slightly dreading Christmas? We always have my mother over, but it's increasingly difficult. A couple of years ago we were planning to go to a restaurant for lunch. I'd told her a number of times what would happen, including on Christmas Eve; this included the fact that the carers who usually come in would be having the day off. She's usually fine to get herself up and get breakfast. Come the day, I phoned several times to try to let her know I would be coming over to collect her but she didn't pick up - which isn't unusual. DH and I turned up at around 11.30 only to find her still in bed, and totally confused about what was going on - in fact, she didn't recognise us, mistook us for the carers, and was staggeringly rude. Once she caught on, she was still totally confused about the plan to go out: it was tempting to leave her as she obviously wasn't keen to go, but she'd have had nothing to eat and it seemed miserable. We eventually got her to the restaurant but it all made for a horrible tense atmosphere, though she perked up once we managed to persuade her to eat something.

The following year I thought the problem might have been that she was out of her usual routine, so I went over earlier to get her out of bed, sort out breakfast etc. This time she was due to come to ours but it was pointless bringing her there early, not least because she doesn't like using our toilet although it's downstairs. As I also had to cook I'd arranged to go back home and then come out again to collect her. I congratulated myself on the fact that this seemed to work better - until I went back again around 12.30 to find she'd gone back to bed, and was almost as confused as the previous year.

So God knows what next week will bring. We're having Christmas lunch at home again, but I haven't worked out any better way of dealing with my mother, and I'm once again gritting my teeth ready to meet whatever fate brings. I do understand that being out of routine is what causes the problem, but there's not much we can do about it, and usually once she twigs she seems to enjoy the outing. I'm trying to think positive thoughts of peace and goodwill.

Vent as she doesn't know what day it is could you not bother breaking her routine? Just pop over with a meal and put her in front of the telly?

Dint well done on getting your Dad home it sounds like quite a logistic triumph. I've had Brexit today too and something about BoJo's family wearing yellow shoes.

Hugs to everyone who is feeling crap, can't believe it's Christmas on Tuesday by house is a shit state and I'm so worn out.

Mum is out and very contrite and explained that she doesn't mean to be nasty it's just that she isn't lucky enough to have been blessed with a gentle nature like me you see.

Dint, their culture of secrecy is their problem. As you say, unless you know what's required, you can't provide. And once they tell you what's required, you still need time to arrange things. So no brexit til you've had time to do what you need to do, not when it suits them.

On another note my DM has been 'informally' (because she won't admit to a problem and won't get officially diagnosed), with personality disorders - yes, she's displaying traits from more than one because she doesn't do things by halves! I guess that makes it easier to accept that she will always be a pain the arse, but not any easier to manage. I'm also assuming early stages of dementia as per family history but that hasn't been diagnosed

My DSis died earlier this year of an overdose. Everyone saw it coming (apart from DM) and even over the years when she was clean she was still not a nice person (similar personality to DM but throw in theft, violence etc), so I had little to do with her. Anyway DM is now acting like she was a saint, and expects everyone to feel guilty about not having her in our lives and have regrets for no keeping in contact with her. I understand her feeling sad, but why the need to try to make others feel bad? I'll give her some time to grieve as it's Christmas (although DSis was never part of Christmas), but into the New Year DM may need to hear some home truths. With aging and PDs it's unlikely to get through to her, but it will feel good.

Am also dreading Xmas. It's usually a stressful time for me anyway as I seem to have ended up being the one who makes things happen in this house. DM has come to my house on the day for the last 20 years. Last year I called her in the morning to remind her, and she asked me for the number of the pub my DB had taken her to for lunch some days before Why? Because someone had stolen her bag there. I respond with A. why haven't you asked DB for the number as he's the one that took you there? and B. I highly doubt it because the 'someone has stolen my bag/purse/chequebook' was a familiar refrain being played out at that point (she'd put the item somewhere safe, which she'd then forgotten). She then got huffy and refused to come for dinner, which meant I had to plate hers up and drive over in the evening with her presents etc. Merry xmas Monkey.

This year Gummy's apprentice has been in a bad way for the last couple of months MH-wise. To the point that either DH or I have to be home with him as he is a risk to himself. I have done nothing towards xmas, not even written a card. But his social worker suggested I try and keep things as normal as possible, and have xmas dinner, etc. I forsee a conversation at the dinner table along the lines of 'what's the matter with him then? Why doesn't he buck himself up', played out on a loup until DCs and DH are able to excuse themselves and leave me with her. At which point I say ready to take you home now mum.

Cockroach all.

Monkey i could have written your post last year about my youngest. He couldn't be left and it was so frightening, he also has ASD and has a social worker. Gummy and I watched him between us, i asked Mum to sit with him for an hour so i could walk my dogs with Gummy and both get a break (this was 2017 when she was fit and well).

Can you guess what happened next? She left him to come and find me and tell me how distressed she was that he was ill. She was stunned when we just ran passed her back to the car.

Christ Thigh we seem to be living the same life.

How is your youngest now? (feel free to lie to give me some hope.)

So yesterday I told GTits she could leave because she was looking like a hag and on her knees. She went home and went to bed at 4.30 with her dogs. She has made herself point of phone contact with all the various teams re M&D so good I don't have to take all the phone calls, she then texts me what i need to know.

So i looked after Dad yesterday while Gummy was at my house sleeping off having looked after Dad overnight and keeping an eye on my youngest.

I got the call from the hospital to fetch Mum and left Dad in front of the telly with water and told him not to move.

I turned up with her coat and boots and she said - didn't you bring me nicer clothes, these trousers are 20 years old. I said Mum look at me, i have been too tired to bath for a week and I'm wearing trainers so i can literally run around after everyone.

Monkey he is improving, honestly. He's not in danger any more and he laughs, joins in telly watching in the living room and looks for a lot of affection from me and Gummy which he wasn't when he was more ill. He's on venlafaxine and I'm thinking about cbd oil, still thinking.

Am also thinking about CBD oil, in fact have bought some. But still thinking thigh. Glad to hear he is picking up. Can I message you?

Oh thigh, dint I could not have done what you are facing- especially with the negative comments. Hope you get some respite today.
nota, sounds so hard.
Amongst all the Christmas hype it’s bloody tough for so many of us- I feel I am getting off lightly as dm is still pretty much with it- but not easy. 🌺🌺☕️☕️All.

Monkey with the transition out of CAMHS we waited 9 months for a decision re a new counsellor. After the waiting they said it was pointless as he would only get X amount of sessions and it would have taken that amount of sessions for him to get used to them. I've just found someone privately.

Monkey yes do message me.

I was feeling embarrassed to return to the thread after having aired my dirty laundry - so glad i did.

Thanks thigh for sharing your situation, it helps me to know I am not the only one going through hell from both sides of the family spectrum, but I can appreciate the cost to you of doing so. Sorry if I caused you to overshare more than you were confortable with. I have aired my dirty laundry to all and sundry recently, in a bid to get support from anywhere I can, so am aware I may be somewhat lacking in norms.

DMs GP phoned me yesterday to ask why I hadn't taken her for her flu jab. I said because she'll probably outlive me, and started crying. They said they would pop over to her house to sort it.

In other news, I washed my hair this morning for the first time in too long.

I'm not sure if CBD would have much effect, why not slip them all a bit of THC, after all it's only one letter away from TLC

Monkey i meant I overshared about my mum and the suicide attempt and nasty behaviour - you haven't caused my sharing re that

thigh I have no idea how you and Gummy keep going!

Dint glad all sorted

Thigh glad you felt able to share on here. Sometimes the support of an anonymous board is really important.

good wishes and hugs all round flowers