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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Iamdanish · 18/12/2018 23:10

Way to go Gtits 😄👏

Fortysix · 18/12/2018 23:23

Annandale Thank you. Flowers DSis and I have had many conversations on this topic. Your template is very useful.
I have told my DC that if I have dementia I don't want to be living if i am as bad as their DGrandma is now. We have videos of DGrandma at various stages and it sounds cruel but I will use them as reference for my own health stages. My DM would understand and won't be cross.

cantkeepawayforever · 18/12/2018 23:36

we all seen to be the first generation of long term carers.

My mother cared for all of my grandparents, in series and in parallel, from her mid 40s - my shortest-lived grandparent, who lived with the aftereffects of polio and thus was disabled all his life, lived to his mid 70s - until her mid 60s - my longest-lived grandparent lived into their 90s.

Essentially, she had the tiniest of gaps between being a carer for her children, to becoming the carer for 4 elderly and disabled people.

I am waiting for the same (short) gap to close in my own life - it won't be long as my mum has early stage dementia.

yolofish · 19/12/2018 08:03

good news about GTits.

thank you for asking about DH people. We are still in limbo, oncologist wont treat him until he's had a bronchoscopy of lungs/lymph nodes in the area and that couldnt be done until he had a lung function test - which was last Saturday. So cant think anything will happen til after Xmas, which is a bummer (pun intended). The anxiety is quite bad for all of us, but we are pretending everything is ok as much as poss.

DM's house will go on the market in Jan with an open house thing a couple of weeks later, decided there was still too much to do to do it for Xmas/Boxing Day - there probably isnt really but I cant be arsed to go and hoover etc at the moment.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 19/12/2018 08:13

Oh, yolo, I obviously missed the news about your husband in the weeks I was off the thread. I’m so sorry to hear this. Best wishes to you both and copious Gin and Flowers.

thighofrelief · 19/12/2018 08:29

Yolo I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. You're having a shit of a year. I hope they can start treatment soon.

thighofrelief · 19/12/2018 08:35

can't i didn't get the bloody caring gap! My eldest is making a meal of growing up and the olds are taking it in turns to try not to die or try to die.

I feel like planning a very badly behaved old age. As i don't drink and don't fancy taking up crack cocaine that only leaves developing an obsession with learning the bagpipes.

thighofrelief · 19/12/2018 08:51

I'm so scared that I'm in trouble re Mum, with Mum. I know it's not logical and nobody else blames me but equally i know that she does blame me and this was as well as a response to extreme pain, also a fuck you to me.

I only took one day off which I have every right to do but I didn't know the agony was worse than any other toilet day.

Quite frankly she has been a very difficult Mum always, jealous and egocentric. She's very spoiled and resentful and the last time my AWOL sister made a serious suicide attempt by trying to drown herself she said "she should have put a few more stones in her pockets".

When I was going over to see to Dad she was saying "oh look Romeo, here's Juliet for you".

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/12/2018 11:31

that only leaves developing an obsession with learning the bagpipes. Had a go earlier this year and it was surprisingly easy and intuitive. I missed out on a workshop for people who didn't have their own instrument, but I'm going to book earlier next year!

If your Mum has used a suicide attempt, even partially, as a reprimand to you, she has completely forfeited the moral high ground. It won't help your long time relationship, but could stoking up your anger in the short term get you through the next few weeks?

yolofish · 19/12/2018 16:04

thigh absolutely NONE of this is down to you. I think, tho I know it will be difficult, this is absolutely your opportunity to take a step or seven right back (and for gummy of course) and let the hospital deal with your mum for a bit, explore her options etc. the stuff she says, the fact that one sister is AWOL and the other is GTits and you are the one bearing the load - seize your moment my lovely. xx

Original poster
thesandwich · 19/12/2018 20:49

yolo I agree with your very wise advice to thigh . Please don’t take on the blame. Another Paddington hard stare.

And I am so sorry you are all in limbo over Christmas for your poor dh. 🌺🌺
grace how are you doing? This is the hardest time of year.
dint hope things are getting sorted for your df.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 19/12/2018 22:32

Beginning to panic. Discharge team rang me Monday, said discharge "Monday or Tuesday" and they'd ring me as they left hospital. No phone call, so 4pm Tues rang ward - he's not being discharged till stairlift in (Fri), and discharge team would ring me today (Weds). No call. I'm beginning to worry whether we'll get him home before Christmas. Going to bed now - I may feel better in the morning.

Grace212 · 20/12/2018 09:33

Dint I hope you get good news today.

Sandwich thanks for asking. I'm okay. Mum is still in bits but I think it's fair to say that's normal after less than 2 months? She gets it together for important stuff but then has deep gloom and then anxiety....I would imagine that's normal for at least 6 months, right?

I had a phone call from a friend of hers that was deeply unhelpful....she was essentially saying to me "ooh your mum is in such a state" when I'd just had a nice phone chat with mum.

I'm happy to support as much as I can, but I didn't phone again after that because I thought, if mum is off having a big cry, then she should be allowed to do that. I don't really know why the friend phoned me - she knows I'm back over there today in any case. Perhaps she thought I should have gone round at 9pm last night when she rang?!

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/12/2018 10:16

Scream!!!! Tuesday (ward nurse) it was "we're waiting for the stairlift" ... since a stairlift hadn't been mentioned as a requirement, and great play had been made of their getting him to walk up a flight of 9 stairs to show he was ready to come home, I don't see why that was an issue.
Today (discharge team) it's "concern by neighbourhood team about the chair he is sitting on - it's a hard chair" ... so the specialist anti-bedsore cushions they themselves provided aren't adequate then?...

... it seems that neighbourhood team want him to have a comfy armchair. He's got one. It's upstairs. If they want it downstairs I can carry it downstairs. So why didn't they mention this to me on Monday?

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/12/2018 10:40

Nobody's mentioned to us that he needed a stairlift, we did that off our own bat. If we'd have left it to them to communicate, he'd still be there at Easter "waiting for the stairlift" with us none the wiser.

Nobody had better cross me today, I'm close to explosion.

Original poster
thesandwich · 20/12/2018 14:13

dint how crap is that. ☕️☕️🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫As required. Good luck.

OP posts:
Wrongwayup · 21/12/2018 07:17

Grace I think it is very easy for people here your mum's friend to forget you are grieving too

Grace212 · 21/12/2018 09:25

Wrongwayup I don't mind that so much and I'm definitely recovering now. I did most of my grieving while dad was in hospital really.

What I mind is the implication that I should be with mum all the time. Also her friends are starting to be really unhelpful. This might sound harsh but we've had quite a few saying "oh now it's winter, I can't come and see you" and yes, they are around the same age and it's not easy for them...but what's the point of phoning her, then phoning me to tell me how bad she sounds?

Actually as I type this, I see that is the point....they really do expect me to be there all the time. Is this the curse of being close to parents? I've had a couple of my own friends express surprise that I go back to my flat, also partly because I'm not working.

Or maybe I'm projecting....

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/12/2018 10:07

A friend of my DF told me it was my job to entertain my father and take him out to stuff. So .. all our lives we're told it's our job to "parent" our children, and we are not their friends, then suddenly we're told it's our job to be the friends of our parents ...

We're still waiting to see if DF is discharged today. Apparently discharge team have to ring on the day to see if reenablement team is available, they can't book them in advance. So if not today, they try again on Monday ...

Unless we can undertake to do what he needs. I have pointed out I cannot commit to providing anything unless I know a) what it is and b) how long for. They seem to work on a culture of secrecy, they have all these requirements that have to be fulfilled, but they won't let us know what any of them are, even though they are needing us to provide some of them. I think I'd better go away until I stoke myself into a real state of fury.

Grace212 · 21/12/2018 10:24

Dint maybe the fact that they usually want patients out before Xmas might work in your favour here?

Lucky I don't have DC to deal with, if I had ever wanted them I imagine I'd done what my folks did and had them late....I'd have been Grace Sandwich!

Mum isn't feeling well today and even she's showered and dressed while I sit here MNing. I'd have been a shite parent Grin

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/12/2018 11:12

Grace Christmas actually makes it more difficult because there's more patients needing transport and support on discharge! But, fingers crossed, they've just rung to say he'll be arriving between 12 and 2. Now we just have to hope the community OT feels he's safe to stay there ...

yolofish · 21/12/2018 13:15

dint I hope it goes well, and most importantly that they provide support - on an ongoing basis, including assessment of his capabilities - when he's home. IME this bit is quite difficult. Does he need any nursing care? (injections/dressings changed etc) if so, get on to his GP NOW to book district nurses, in our area they are quite separate from the enablement team, enablement and OT is about seeing what he can do but they wont do any nursing stuff.

yolofish · 21/12/2018 13:17

grace you cannot be everything your mum needs, its not mentally or physically possible. so hold on to your own identity and your own needs - look at this way, if you sink under the strain you cant provide any support so for your own sanity and physical health you need to look after you so that you can provide the support you are able to.

Original poster
thesandwich · 21/12/2018 13:17

Fingers crosseddint
Grace, being a sandwich does mean there is involvement in the future which does help.... but can be challenging. Sorry your dms friends are dumping on you. Protect yourself and do what fuels you so you have some resources for dm.
cockroach all

OP posts:
Iamdanish · 21/12/2018 13:50

Grace, your dms friends feel better about themselves, in their own minds they have done sonething without being troubled themselves. Your response to dm friends should be in the lines of:
Ohh, mums friend so glad you tell me, but you know there are lots of things you can't really talk to your dc about that's why I am greatfull she has you as a friend to off load to 😀.