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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Grace212 · 09/12/2018 19:13

yolo he doesn't even need to be there?!

the mind boggles.

Is he going to get out of helping with probate etc? So annoying.

actually I never mentioned this before in case it was "outing" - I have a sibling. I imagine a lot of posters are imagining I'm an only child. I'm not, but I might as well be. My mother has attempted to phone the sibling to state that if they want to get a proper inheritance when mum goes, they will have to step up and do something, but actually that's not true. Mum's will leaves us half and half mostly, barring a few personal items. So in reality when the time comes, I will also have a Very Annoying Sibling to deal with. Call me mercenary, but what annoys me most about that is the half/half split.

I'm not judging that an adult child wants nothing to do with their folks. I am judging that they'll take the money and do no work though!

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 19:22

Grace i did imagine you were an only child and felt envious of you! I in fact have 2 sisters but the eldest went AWOL many years ago. So it's just Golden Tits and me. M&D did change their will and cut out our generation leaving everything 50/50 to my boys. GTits and the other sister do not have children. GT is in agreement because she is so wealthy and i don't care .

Grace212 · 09/12/2018 19:28

thigh funny how we think of things, it never occurred to me that someone might be jealous thinking I was an only. But I tend to think that a sibling who does something - even if it's the odd white knight effort described here - is better than a sibling who is AWOL or doesn't do anything to help.

I do have a cousin up north, he phones mum once a week - but he has major health issues and can't travel. It is good to have someone else who phones her though.

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 19:30

Yolo and Monica thanks, i will check with our council. I think mum should at least get single person discount.

Phoned and phoned M&D last night and this morning and got no answer. I popped over today to check their phones. Dad had my spare mobile charger out of my handbag lickety split, thought that the old bugger was blind. Mum went upstairs and I muttered to Dad God, she's an awkward bastard. She shouted back this bastard fucking heard that! I said thought you were deaf?!

We then went to Costa and for a wee walk. Everything is getting back to normal.

yolofish · 09/12/2018 19:30

no he will do very little I think - I have left a list in the house for when they arrive, and if they dont come and take stuff from my house I will keep/dispose of it.

However, my mother didnt have much jewellery, and what she had I have taken already - and hidden. I reckon I have done - and will most likely continue to do - all the work; SIL and their daughters got her mother's jewellery so I'm having MY mum's. I feel no guilt whatsoever, it's only about 4 or 5 little things, pretty but not hugely valuable.

And he gets more in the will than me... not that much more, but to account for some money DM lent us when we were in absolute dire straits and facing potential default on the mortgage.

I never ever thought we would be like this, it's a very lowering situation to be in and I sympathise with you grace - I would make sure you get your hands on the personal stuff sharpish when the time comes, as DB already trying to lay claim to stuff I thought was mine.

thigh you do make me laugh, we need to hear more about GTits!

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 19:36

Grace it's a funny thing inheritance. I don't know how i would feel if one of my kids was AWOL and one helpful. I suppose changing your will would be such a final step stating, even to yourself, that there will be no reconciliation.

Wrongwayup · 09/12/2018 19:42

Oh my word so much resonates. Will post why when I can but at the moment just makes me cry. No support in real life but so much here. Much love all💔

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 19:45

Yolo oh GTits, i call her Eltona (Elton John) and address parcels to her in her little village as Anne Eltona Brown so her postman can see. She loves it. She changed her first name in her 20s from something pedestrian to something glamorous and I've said - yes, and there's Elton John's family still calling him Reg. She gives me charity clothes off her posh mates and we often wear an old rock stars monogrammed socks.

Grace212 · 09/12/2018 19:52

Wrongwayup big hugs to you

yolo I really hope your brother does do the stuff on the list.

I wouldn't say what I've said about the inheritance to anyone in real life. Maybe close friends. I dunno, it's the sort of thing that's understandable when you're on that side of it but sounds awful if you say it to someone who might have no experience of this kind of thing.

yolofish · 09/12/2018 19:55

oh totally agree grace you cant say this in real life, or even on other bits of MN as you would be 'entitled' blah blah. It's different when you are living it.

Eltona thigh?? love it! actually I could do with a relly who would give me posh charity cast offs, probably wouldnt have anywhere to wear them, but a bit of cashmere/rockstar monogrammed socks (MJ? DB? EJ?) wouldnt go amiss. Must be confusing when you get them mixed up in the wash!! ("Tonight Matthew, my left leg will be...")

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 19:57

Grace it's a safe space here. I hope no one ever finds this niche thread, let's keep it on the DL and never let anyone know how much fun we sometimes have!

Seriously though, caring has ripped the arse out of my brain and earning power very badly.

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 20:07

Yolo the leftover toiletries are awesome too! Haven't bought soap or shampoo in years, living off thousands of little hotel ones. I was annoyed when she switched from flying first class with Emirates, their goody bags were amazing with pyjamas in. I once saw a comedy sketch with the shit siblings in group therapy - the shit Jackson brother, the shit Osmond, the shit Baldwin brother - made me laugh a lot.

notaflyingmonkey · 09/12/2018 21:22

My late DB used to reckon he was outcast for being the black sheep of the family, and therefore there wasn't much he could do. I used to tell him that wasn't the case, but more that he had abdicated responsibility which he could take back at any time to rejoin the bosom of the family.

Fucker died on me before we could put it to the test.

yolofish · 09/12/2018 22:40

wrong hope you will join us (reprobates) when you feel stronger.

nota I'm sorry but I had to snort at "the fucker died on me before we could put it to the test"!

and yes to "ripping the arse out of brain and earning power" thigh. Same here, and I really really have to get my brain back into gear pdq.

Annandale · 09/12/2018 23:52

This thread reminds me that I'm getting off lightly compared to most.

Today was a good day - lunch with Mum without her mentioning living somewhere else, and also when I was boring her to tears she was able to get up and leave as she now lives so close by... hoping she will start to see the positives of being here! Though I guess being bored by me is not exactly an incentive.

My DSis is still getting all the animosity from my Mum. Apparently Mum has implied to DSis that she won't be inheriting - actually I don't believe it, but it's a very bad sign if she really is starting to use that threat to any of us Sad Something she would never in a million years have done ten years ago. It really does mean something when someone remembers you in their will, the money is almost a separate thing, it's the fact that they recognise you officially as important to them. If DSis were ever written out, I would want DB and I to split the estate back into three to include her again, but it would still be so painful if she did ever do it. Given everything DSis has had to do for her because she's not capable of organising it herself, if she managed to see a solicitor and rewrite the will in that way, it would be such a calculated insult. I can't believe most solicitors would let her rush into it, at least - every solicitor I know would get her to wait a few months to see if she felt the same.

thighofrelief · 10/12/2018 00:54

Annandale there was that court case a couple of years ago - estranged daughter v the local cats home.

The daughter had a partial win, enough to buy her council house and the rest to the cats Bear - always preferred dogs myself, they're much less likely to sue.

thighofrelief · 10/12/2018 01:49

Thread on AIBU re burying people in your garden, always wanted to do that. May have to revise my plans of having the olds stuffed and posed. Always told Mum that she's such an interfering old bat it's the taxidermist for her so she can sit on my sofa and keep an eye on me forever.

thighofrelief · 10/12/2018 01:51

She repeats this to shopkeepers of course and I give a little smile and head tilt to indicate she's lying.

Original poster
thesandwich · 10/12/2018 08:27

Just catching up on this thread- howling with laughter! thigh yolo nota...... taxidermists, inconsiderate siblings who die...... Eltona......
Snorting in my tea......
And to all feeling overwhelmed and trapped.....🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷☕️☕️. Plus big hugs and you are not alone.

OP posts:
thighofrelief · 10/12/2018 08:56

I forgot to mention that Dad was a bit concerned yesterday about meeting his obligations.

He said that there was a group of uniformed Canadian children who were expecting him to join in their dance competition.

Grace212 · 10/12/2018 11:43

winter is hitting me like a truck...presume as it's combined with all this. I do find winter difficult full stop but now I think it might have a connection with the anxiety.

today's the first day in ages I didn't wake up ragingly anxious though, so that's a good start.

Wrongwayup · 10/12/2018 12:41

Grace I feel like I've been hit by a truck think it has been building for years. I have started acupuncture to try to help and have gone part time at work. What are you doing to help yourself?

Lellochip · 10/12/2018 13:18

I think winter definitely doesn't help. I'm struggling

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 10/12/2018 13:18

Did any of you catch the Care programme last night?

www.digitalspy.com/tv/a25451889/care-bbc-drama-sheridan-smith-viewers-dismayed-portrayals/

Grace212 · 10/12/2018 13:51

Wrongwayup lellochip

I do normally get SAD so I guess this year it just seems doubly shit.

In terms of looking after myself - I don't know, lots of time on MN?!

I do normally work out a lot but finding it hard to get back in the habit - it got shot to shit while dad was ill, but goodness knows all that running round hospitals kept my step count up!

I'm not working at the moment as I took voluntary redundancy, so I'm aware in a much easier position than most.

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