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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 08/12/2018 17:31

yolo Yes that's something we were talking about last night - DF has the right to make choices, even to make bad choices ... but does he have the right to make bad choices that impact on other people?

grace could the anxiety attacks be because the acute pressure is off? With depression/stress, it's possible to hold it together when you need to, then when the pressure lessens, just collapse in a heap and lose all ability to do anything. I don't think it's logical that anxiety works in the same way, but is it a possibility?

Original poster
thesandwich · 08/12/2018 17:33

Dm mid 90s here.......

OP posts:
Grace212 · 08/12/2018 17:35

monkey hmm... I had not thought of it as walls closing in. Walls of guilt you mean?

yolo I've told mum to just tell them I have anxiety in normal life etc. In the past I used to keep it quiet - or at least, didn't tell her friends as I don't know them much. I've already had two of them say to me "will you take mum on holiday" - she loved going away with dad, but I can't take myself on holiday, never mind someone else!

it's weird - i don't care if they are gossiping about me behind my back but it does contribute to this sense that I should be living with her and looking after her....and like I said, throughout dad's illness, I genuinely thought I would do that and thought I'd want to do it. I'm surprised to find I don't want to!

Grace212 · 08/12/2018 17:37

Dint cross post.

good point - yes, it could be that, some sort of residual thing kicking in after (just about) holding it together for months. I did have anxiety when dad was in the hospital but I did manage to put a smile on my face and go and feed him etc in hospital. He certainly would have had no idea I was falling to bits.

Original poster
thesandwich · 08/12/2018 17:39

Great wisdom from yolo . Certainly I echo the need to get other people / agencies involved sooner.
And anxiety- dint is probably right, all that adrenaline needs to go somewhere.... have you tried headspace app? Please please do not put your life on hold. You need to have stuff to talk to your dm about. 🌺🌺🌺
The red shoes really struck a chord......

OP posts:
Wordthe · 08/12/2018 17:50

I let her say that 'everyone is too old' 'they arent like me' 'why would I be interested in xyz' because I felt she had the right to do that

I think these oldies know exactly what they are doing, they gradually reel you in and bind you to them so that you feel obliged to take the full weight of them.

They might seem doddery and forgetful but they are cunning and instinctively know how to manipulate their children.

I realise I sound heartless because they are vulnerable, you feel furious and then you look at this tiny frail old person and you cant help feeling protective and guilty, they know this and they wield it like a sword against you.

What would they have done if there was no one around to step up and 'work' for them?
I think in most instances they would be sensible and organise things, downsize before they get too old etc?

yolofish · 08/12/2018 17:52

Oh yes to holding it all together when you have to, but then something has to give somewhere, and whether it presents with you as anxiety, or like me with unreasonable temper - snapping at something incredibly minor, or just a feeling of being incapable of doing anything (also me), and it comes out somehow. I think we all have to accept this, and try and give ourselves and our nearest and dearest a bit of a break when we can, and part of that is giving ourselves the oxygen mask - will remember this when DB and SIL come for the reading of the will on Friday, and the overnight stay in order to collect (some of) mum's valuables from my house, oh that will be fun.

Wordthe · 08/12/2018 17:58

I was thinking of the Kate Bush version when I mentioned the red shoes

she tricks her into putting the shoes on, pretending that they are a gift

and then she is doomed

Grace212 · 08/12/2018 18:08

I thought the Red Shoes analogy was from the ballet?

Yolo, apols if a really stupid question, but why is there a formal reading of the will?

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/12/2018 18:12

grace I've found professionals surprisingly supportive when I've said "I can't give any more support than I am at the moment" - it's helped me feel not quite so bad. GP certainly agreed wholeheartedly with my comment that I needed to keep my own life going.

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/12/2018 18:15

I think in most instances they would be sensible and organise things, downsize before they get too old etc? No, I don't think so. I'm certainly not downsizing while I am still enjoying my house and garden, and I'm past the age where the younger generation of MN thinks I should have moved into a nice little flat. I have DC, but I certainly don't want them supporting me - I think perhaps incompetent old age creeps up unawares, and then you do whatever you need to do to survive. I don't think it's planned.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 08/12/2018 18:19

Thank you for the interest and moral support, sandwich. There’s not much more I can say, really. There was an incident, I went round to assist, but looking at the scene it was ambiguous - it might have happened or it might have been staged, IYSWIM. It’s awful to think like that, but the comments earlier about control and manipulation are, alas, so very true. I have, after all, known my mother a very long time and I have a good sense of when she’s dissembling.

Teflon, everyone, Teflon.

Grace212 · 08/12/2018 18:22

Dint good to hear that's been your experience with the GP.

Wordthe I don't know. Maybe some of them. My mum, bless her, is quite horrified by the amount of stuff - like 40 year old bills etc - that dad left. She keeps saying things like "I'm determined to make sure that you don't have to go through a nightmare of getting rid of stuff".

certainly she would keep the house and I agree she should - she might want live in care etc at some point. But she is already talking about getting rid of stuff that she doesn't use, so when the time comes, she doesn't want me being stuck with getting rid of tons of bitty things.

the more I say about my mum, the more I realise I am lucky....let's hope advancing age doesn't change her lovely personality.

Grace212 · 08/12/2018 18:24

Monica

cross post - oh goodness, what a thing to have to deal with Flowers

thighofrelief · 08/12/2018 18:58

I think the oldies must be terrified at their impending death and therefore determined to keep us in clutching distance. We, the human race, know that death comes to us all. But we live with that crushing realisation with nary a thought. It must be awful to know that it really is coming, it's right round the corner. I would be petrified and doing a lot of confessing and praying (insurance).

I think that impending death affects their behaviour. Also, I was watching an old woman cross the road on a zebra crossing (I was in my car) and she was hobbling slowly across using 2 sticks. It must be awful not to be able to cross the road safely, to hop in and out of the bath, to nip to the loo when we want to. I'm not sure how pleasant I would be if I didn't have that level of independence.

I was talking to Gummy and said please don't waste your life on me if I lose my marbles and he said it's easy to say, hard to do.

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/12/2018 21:00

Gummy's a nice lad, isn't he?

I can remember when I was pregnant, how vulnerable I felt crossing roads, unable to up and run. I don't look forward to regaining that vulnerability.

It's quite scary to realise that I might, for example, have fewer than 20 summers left. I veer between determination to fill them all to the full, and thinking "well, it's too bloody late now, isn't it, might as well give up"

billysboy · 09/12/2018 09:52

Some excellent comments on here

DF has the right to make choices, even to make bad choices ... but does he have the right to make bad choices that impact on other people?

I have this going on with my in laws now FIL is a stubborn fucker who used to be life and soul but has now retreated into himself because of deafness
My MIL is very social but they live in an isolated spot that they love with only two neighbours dont go out and have no external friends, clubs , or interests
My mission next year is to address this and I have bought MIL some pilates sessions at the local golf club as a start , at the moment she has no independent friends
I take on yolos comments that she wished she had pushed this harder ten years ago with her late mother
Without tis I can forsee my partner and I taking on all of the grunt work and emotional support

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 10:10

Dint thank you for being a Gummy fan, it warms my dark heart. He's a good hearted idiot who's growing up at his own slow pace.

You're a wise owl and I predict Summers in the Tuscan sun with nubile Italian lovers who love wrinkles.

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 10:12

Can I say to everyone whose oldie is struggling with deafness. Don't forget about the loop, council will install it.

Grace212 · 09/12/2018 10:18

I was wondering if anyone knows of any books like Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring - I tried reading that but found it a really annoying laddish style. Any other more readable alternatives that anyone's read? Thanks.

billysboy · 09/12/2018 11:58

I have just googled a bit about the loop , if it were installed in a couple of rooms that would be ok at home however the problem seems to be when FIL goes out he cannot hear clearly so has become a complete recluse

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 14:24

billy in service places like cinema and bank they have loop installed and it cuts all the ambient noise so the bank teller for instance is speaking directly into the hearing aid. It's also a way of watching TV without the embarrassment of having it blasting away. It's free.

thighofrelief · 09/12/2018 14:25

Question re council tax - Dad has dementia and Mum doesn't, both over 80 - are they exempt?

yolofish · 09/12/2018 15:27

grace Reading of the Will = first meeting with solicitor. Will very straightforward, DB doesnt even need to be there but can make the time, even though he/they could only stay 40 mins at the wake. Go figure, as they say. They will stay in DM's house, have left a list of instructions as to what I want them to do; they also have to come to mine to take stuff away. If they cant do that, then I will keep/sell it all; not prepared to have the spare room looking like an antique shop for much longer, we have guests coming.

I also tried the Selfish Pig and didnt find it much use!

thigh only way to find out is via the council direct I think? certainly ours were very helpful after DM died (deferring council tax for 6 months I think)

MoreCheerfulMonica · 09/12/2018 15:55

Thigh - I don’t think your parents will be exempt from the council tax altogether, but as your dad has dementia (which I assume is classed as “severe mental impairment”) then he would not be counted and so your mother would receive the single person discount. Details here on gov.uk

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