Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Lellochip · 10/12/2018 14:12

Working out is normally my safe place, my gym is my second home/family but one of the first signs of my mental health going off is complete inability to train. Everything hurts and is so weak. So I come out feeling worse than when I went in.

After the months away while mum was in hospital I was so looking forward to getting back to normal but body is not playing ball right now.

Grace212 · 10/12/2018 14:31

lellochip I hear that! and there's nothing worse than feeling awful after, especially when you can normally rely on it to make you feel better.

yolofish · 10/12/2018 17:22

What made me feel better today was ordering our Christmas tree (we go to same place every year), walking the dog in the woods where the kids and I used to ride (nostalgic) and then having a bonfire this afternoon.

DB and SIL are coming for the Reading of the Will (which will be nothing like as dramatic as it sounds). They dont want to stay in mum's house, up to them, so have booked a hotel in local town. They will grace us with their presence to collect bits from me, and then they can go to mum's and take stuff from there I guess. They plan to eat with us...

Offered a huge amount of mum's books to school library where my DDs used to go. Lots of 'good' fiction, and I reckon if they can use the books its less for me to take to charity shop (cant bin books!)

Wordthe · 10/12/2018 17:37

Lellochip would something which feels more restorative such as yoga help in the times where you just dont have it in you to do something strenuous.
Or walking?

Ilady · 11/12/2018 03:11

Grace 212, go to your doctor and get a check up with blood tests. You might be anemic or run down and may be this is why your not feeling great. Don't move in with your mother as you need you own space. Keep up with friends and be busy at times as you don't want your mother to become over relient on you. Try and encourage her to get involved with groups for her age as it will give her something to do and look forward to. It will also give you a brake. Try and get some part time work in the next few months to keep your ni contributions in order.

Yolofish how nice of you DB and Sil to grace you with their presence for the reading of the will. It amazing when people think they are getting money, property ect they can find time but when it comes to minding elderly parents they are just to busy. Can you let us know how they react when they find out what they have got.

Well I am not at the stage of the people here with elderly parents needing major care yet. My mother has a few health issues but is choosing to ignore them as much as possible. We have not always got on.
A few times I have asked her for help and she done as little as possible for me. I also know that she has lied to me in regards to a few things.
Due to her behaviour I have decided that I am not going to put myself out if she needs more help or care in the future.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 09:12

Grace how long are you able to be work free? While it's wonderful not to have the hassle.........

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 09:37

llady blood tests done recently, all good. this is always a terrible time of year for me, this on top is just a bit much.

thigh um....well till spring/summer. But going back to the "don't move in with your mother" thing... I mentioned initially she is a long way from me and in a much nicer area. So one thing I could do is rent my London (outer zone) flat out and live with her, but work part time.

it has many benefits - nicer area to live in, less work, less running around when mum needs me. But obviously as time passes I can see the problems as well.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 09:42

Grace well maybe it's the right thing for you and if you rent your gaff out that's a good income, do what suits you. London is really wearing and having to time everything around the rush hours is a bitch. When my olds have gone I'm so tempted to go rural.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 09:45

Grace would a little dog be an option if you go to your mother's? For me they're a life saver but a lot of hassle if not your cup of tea

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 09:50

thigh yes London is driving me nuts. I can't actually afford to buy in the area mum lives in - well I could buy a cupboard but that seems a come down even from a small flat ha ha. Where I live is expensive now, but I bought 15 years ago.

Also, while I haven't discussed the idea of living with mum actually with her (!) she did say herself, thinking about if I could afford to buy a flat near her, one of the issues is that if she dies soon, I will have lost a home that I'm actually very fond of and moved to a place I don't know anyone.

One of the oddities about London burbs is that things change so quickly. In the years I've lived here, it's gone from nice to rough but now might be on the up again, I don't know.

anyway, mustn't bore on about those details, but there's other strong arguments for keeping this particular flat.

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 09:50

cross post thigh mum doesn't want a pet, she's had them but doesn't fancy the hassle again, understandably.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 09:57

Grace how about a medium term operating plan while you're not working? You could stay with your mum till end of January without renting out your flat or saying a lot to her about your thinking and have a good look and see how it would feel to live there re yoga and gym classes etc. Try to do it for the whole time without a break at your flat and you will have your answer. Could you use the rent from your London flat to rent locally at your mum's?

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 10:08

thigh the medium term plan now is to keep coming and going as I am, because she seems to be managing and I don't want to undermine any independence she has.

when spring comes, I will see how I feel, what work is about, and have a better idea of what changes mum might be prepared to make if I suggest moving in (won't bore on with details about that).

re using rent from my flat to rent near mum - makes no profit and again, would only cover a cupboard really unless I wanted to spend extra money on it, which I don't.

yolofish · 11/12/2018 11:58

grace I would honestly stick with the coming and going as you are doing now. Good for her independence, and let's face it, learning to live alone, and also good for you to have the escape valve. She may also want time to grieve alone? No matter how much you love someone, sometimes you might want to have a total wallow and a crying snotfest without someone else there. Because the 'someone else' always wants to make you feel better and they cant do that for anyone. does that make sense?

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 14:08

yolo yes that makes perfect sense.

Also, one of the reasons I considered moving in as a viable option was just that I'm sick of socialising, but I think that might have temporary - work overload, London overload. Also frankly, I don't think I realised how depressing and worrying it could be, living with an elderly person. Obvs it depends what the person is like, I'd say mum was in average health for her age but given some of the posts I see here, perhaps she isn't.

I still find this weird to type out because I love her to bits.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 15:51

Grace i feel a bit phobic about not seeing M&D for the day in case they pop their clogs overnight.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 19:48

I think Dad's spell in hospital and the realisation that the olds won't live forever has changed me and not for the better. I have this friend who always, always regifts. Last birthday she gave me some out of date chocolates and a book of photos called Fifty Sheds of Grey with 50 photos of sheds in. She always bemoans her financial situation and I comfort her despite being much worse off, yet much less/not bothered about it. For her daughters' weddings she gave them an ice bucket each. It was silver, but still. I panic in a restaurant (always vouchers / deals at her insistence) in case I order a coke as she orders tap water. Her next door neighbour has been doing her washing and drying for over 2 years because she's worried her washing machine might not be plumbed in correctly. I've always overlooked it thinking each to their own but i just don't like it.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 19:54

But then tbf Gummy wanted to give a small gift to his friends mum and I gave him an unopened body lotion and an uncreased gift bag and a spare blank card. I feel like i have my shit tinted spectacles on and it feels unpleasant.

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 20:07

thigh if it's any consolation, I don't understand myself since dad fell ill. I seem to have become someone else in many ways. I don't think much of it will be permanent but who knows?!

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 20:07

If something goes wrong with my washing machine i don't even use mum's i just shove bags in the laundrette for a service wash and dry. I don't like asking for help and she asks everyone for a great deal of support. Maybe I'm jealous of being able to show that vulnerability.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 20:12

Grace who knows indeed. I'm intolerant of others foibles despite being far from perfection myself. I've lost my bovine stoicism that has allowed me to whether life in all it's forms. I don't like this new me very much.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 20:16

Grace it's like the world continues to turn and I'm stuck in a bubble of weirdness. I don't feel depressed, more discombobulated. Love that word!

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 20:19

^^ weather life. See, can't even spell anymore.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 20:41

Alternatively, perhaps I have always been a tosser and the scales have only just fallen from my eyes Grin

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/12/2018 21:18

thigh watch yourself! You're a "coper". Copers are vulnerable to depression because they just soldier on and don't give themselves rest. And now you're talking about not liking yourself. So keep an eye on yourself, do whatever you need to do to avoid a downward slide. It's easier to stop yourself sliding than it is to drag yourself up from the bottom.