Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

good to hear the update yolo

hope you get some sleep

yolo, well done for getting through today. And hope you get somewhere tomorrow.

I'm really hoping you can have some much deserved down time now yolo.

I haven’t been here for a while, but want to give you a supportive virtual hand squeeze, yolofish.

Yolo, that is so nice of your Irish cousins. As a Irish person myself I was still astounded by how many of my cousin ( 36 in all, only two didn't make it) came to my Dad's funeral.
Granted it was in Ireland, where they are all based , but still, it was an amazingly kind gesture.

yolo that all sounds v fraught but I hope you are relieved it’s over and, as little says, having some down time? I’d be furious with DB in your position. To be fair to Arnie (and his - yes thigh - luxuriant hair) he is very very helpful and conscientious when he’s here. I just get jealous pissed off cos he’s not here that often! He and his partner were amazing at my nan’s wake when I just felt like a rung-out dish cloth and wanted to hide in a corner with my face in a bucket of wine

Cockroach everyone - hope you’re all ok

she has to wait for the television shop to find her a plumber to take out the bath and was really angry with me for not understanding that. She's been talking to my DF!

My experience is that the worst thing you can do is to try and use logic to show them that they're talking nonsense - that just leads to arguments. However much it goes against the grain, just accept the "truth" of what their saying and go from there.

What's happening is stress plus not quite understanding how everything fits together, together with a reliance on knowledge from their young adulthood (when the world worked slightly differently) leading them to construct a story that explains to them what's going on and what they're feeling. So try to reassure them and cope with the underlying worries. I'm really bad at it.

They're not their. It's been a bad day. My car dumped its entire exhaust pipe assemblage on the driveway this morning, and the local NHS have sent me an appointment for a scan at 8am on Jan 1st in a city 8 miles away.

oh jesus dint that IS a bad day, have some etc.

Totally agree with what you say about not taking what they say at face value and trying to correct them - I was also incredibly shit at this. Better just to agree (except mum could see through it) and then carry gently on to get what ever done that needs to be done.

DB rang today to thank me for organising funeral and that it 'went well'. Under enthusiastic IMO and my DDs tell me they were only here for the wake for about 40 mins - I lost track as was either hostessing or sinking the vino. Anyway it took them a very long time to get home as they left here in good time to meet the rush hour on M25 and it was pissing it down .

I am now wearing DM's wedding ring on a gold chain round my neck which is almost becoming a charm bracelet - a gold st. christopher from my god mother, a gold anchor I bought in honour of my dad, a diamond heart DH bought me. I jangle!

oh jesus dint that IS a bad day, have some wine flowers etc. Oh, yolo, thanks! I thought as I was writing it how trivial it was compared with what the rest of you are going through, I felt quite ashamed of myself for moaning.

I suspect the fact that the appointment is apparently in 2099 means the whole thing is a mistake and I need to ring and sort out what they really meant. There's so many days when you get lots done, but it's all jobs you didn't even know you had to do when you woke up that morning.

none of it is trivial dint it's all just more and more mental load as well as physical load for most of us. Appt in 2099 - surely just the NHS at full capacity?! Yep, just another job you didnt sign up for and which you didnt know about when you woke up in the morning...

I check mum's house and post roughly every other day, and there's always x million catalogues and something that needs to be dealt with. And all the official bodies want it dealt with asap because its URGENT. sorry folks, you will have to wait til I can deal with it.

@MereDint

Not trivial at all, it's all stress sadly. I did a double take at the New Year's Day appointment too!

@yolo Is your brother going to help with any of that stuff?

yolo just remember, you're on the final straight now. It will all be over some time and you'll finally be able to get on with grieving and then getting your life back on track.

Grace for you too. You give good advice to others, remember to give yourself good advice too. Don't expect higher standards from yourself than from everyone else.

grace is my brother going to deal with any of that stuff?? you are having a bloody giraffe/larff, I am the daugher round the corner remember?!

My spare room is full of anything potentially valuable/nickable from mum's house (looks like a bloody antique shop) so at least when they come for the will reading they can take some stuff out of my house...

Hi all

Yolo well done, you can power down now and get some peace - hopefully.

Grace how are you doing? Are you doing a few things for yourself and getting out for a coffee or something?

Well, i have big, big news. I have finally dyed my grey stripe and no longer look like a cast member from "The Mallen Streak" - remember that 1970s Catherine Cookson mini series?

Took Dad upstairs today to give him a bath or shower but he was so wiped that I gave him "a country wash" instead. Also took him for a wee walk outside. Just 20 metres to look at the ducks and 20 metres back.

His recuperation seems so very slow. We have someone in the family who started out as M&Ds cleaner but became an unofficial adopted daughter. Dad walked her down the aisle and she is crazy about Dad.

Anyway, she gives me side eyes about GTits too, so that's a laugh. BUT - I'll admit I have a tendency to jealousy re siblings - i think they prefer her to me now!

She arrives and lets herself in and they start shouting in jubilation and delight "she's arrived, she's arrived!"

I'm very, very behind with work - i just cannot force myself to do it. I work for myself but have clients who need me to respond etc etc. I explained a while back when it was an emergency re Dad but i really feel I'm swinging the lead now. I can't take leave like if i had an employer. I'm just letting clients who have paid me down now. I don't know how to get myself back in the saddle.

Yolo, I hope you can find something your brother can do.

MereDint, thank you for that

Thigh, I've been in the flat which has been good, but I've been grieving mostly. I don't think I could really do it at mum's, the last thing she needed was me in full on tears mode. Back to mum tomorrow. I really sympathise re work. Fortunately my redundancy was already agreed when dad got sick, so there was very little expected of me and work had already been handed to others. Im sure you can get back on track.

Because I don't have kids, there's a running joke with my olds that whenever they worry about me, I'd say "ooh children are such a worry aren't they". Except this year, I've gone all "ooh parents are such a worry aren't they". And then mum says "who will look after you when you're 80?" I reply "I'm hoping for a robot" and she rolls her eyes and mutters about the evils of technology

thigh get yourself to the GP. You've got 3 options, 1) concentrate on your clients and tell SS they need to look after your Dad 2) come clean with your clients 3) get yourself in a state to cope with both after a fashion. 3) sounds like the best compromise between family and your future life, but you need help to achieve that. And your last paragraph sounds just like me when I'm struggling with depression.

thigh sometimes you have to give in a bit, and I know exactly what you mean about procrastination...what you have listed sounds like a pretty fulltime job to me! basically its all bits isnt it, when what you need is to carve out some clear work time. Today is Friday - could you give yourself today to faff about and then spend the w/e planning how to give yourself some clear blocks of time from Mon onwards?

just thinking... what I found was that spending 3 hours a day on hospital visits really wiped me out, it was the knowing I had to go, going, and then coming back again. and the days I didnt go, I was so exhausted by the whole thing that getting the impetus to work was nigh on impossible. I think its coming back to me now in dribs and drabs.

Thigh, what you have listed is a full time job. And sometimes it's not about the time but the stress and strain. Good that Gummy is going alone. Am I right in thinking he's in his 20s?

thigh I've done literally nothing today - well a couple of loads of washing and dishwasher, walked the dog twice etc. But I have done NOTHING to cause me any stress and it has done me the world of good. I've basically faffed about, spent a lot of time reading on the sofa with the dog cuddling up, pootled about. I almost feel normal.

Thing is, now DM is done and dusted (!) a huge stressor has disappeared. Yes there will be stress related to her, for at least a few months, but god the relief is untrue. I know I can say that here because it's a safe place.