Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Yolo well done on doing nothing - you absolutely deserve it. You made me chortle with the "done and dusted" - so valuable this "safe space".

Thank you "Yolo", Grace and Dint - you saved my bacon today. I was just looking at my workload and thinking - "I cannot do this". So I jettisoned the optional dental attendance, took all our laundry to the laundrette for a service wash and dry which I will collect when I have time in the week, didn't visit M&D - just phoned and checked up on them.

I had a long chat with Gummy talking about how overwhelmed I feel and it felt good just to get it all out.

I have caught up on my workload - everything that was just mouldering away in my inbox is dealt with so I am back to normal if I just spend an hour here, an hour there I can stay on top. I have delegated all my paperwork (work) admin to someone in the same line of work as me and we've negotiated an hourly rate so that is off my desk.

I thought about employing a dog walker but I really need that dog walk to stay sane. So....admin, laundry and daily visits have been jettisoned. Gummy is going to pop over to M&D on the days I don't.

This thread really helped me focus on what I can and can't do. So often I feel like I am just buggering about on MN (and sometimes I do) but I think it was better than therapy today. I'm not mad....just overloaded!

Grace I keep forgetting that you are actually grieving for your Dad as well as caring for your Mum. That is a double bubble and really hard to carve out headspace as well as being a pillar of support.

This sounds nuts but I've been thinking of going back to church. I'm only a Christmas/Easter lazy attender and the vicar that I really like has died but it can't do any harm to get some peace. I just wish it wouldn't start so fucking early. I mean c'mon 10am on a Sunday - get a grip.

Or maybe book a massage.

Thigh, really pleased you have been able to take a step back and reprioritise stuff. Sounded like you were really runn8ng on empty.
Yolo, sounds like a day you needed too- and as you say, this is a safe space to say what we really are thinking.
Grace, hope you too have managed to refuel a bit too...

cockroach all

the thing about church is that the ritual is comforting I think. you sit down, stand up, let your mind wander during the sermon. the only bit that really pisses me off is the sign of peace - I dont go to shake hands with my neighbour, I go for the quiet! (well actually not been for years, but I love the sense of quietness you can feel in a church)

Yolo I like the sign of peace, it's nice. I like having a rousing sing song too. I think I'll have a massage instead though!

The above isn't a full time job - I SHOULD be able to work too. ..I need to woman up. Thigh - stop that! No more "shoulds". You wouldn't drive a friend like that, so stop trying to drive yourself!

And it is a full time job, because what you're not taking into account is the emotional side (and that's not to mention Gummy!).

Putting in a warning here that I'm likely to be asking for a lot of help/support ... turned up at my Dad's for a prearranged OT visit. He was not in a good way, and complaining about not getting any sleep because of the male voice choir that had turned up from Manchester at 5am.

OT was horrified at his walking ability (well, so were we), didn't want him left home alone, asked me if I could stay with him (No - I'd have to sleep on the floor, that's if I could find a big enough bit of clear floor to sleep on), tried to get GP (closed for training), rang for ambulance. 6hrs later no sign of ambulance, so we've got him up to bed (took 2 of us two hours) and have left him for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Just hoping this is the beginning of him accepting support to stay at home, if indeed home is viable.

I have started going again in the last couple of years. I enjoy how ingrained and familiar the ceremony is, and the still/quiet moments. Also love the singing, but oddly always find myself very teary during those bits - no idea why! I want to like the sign of peace cos it’s such a nice idea but all I can think is about how I’m touching all these strangers’ hands and then I’m gonna eat (a wafer). Boak. Sometimes I sneak some hand sanitiser before communion, which I’m sure is not in the spirit

Oh god dint sorry - was typing my post and watching tv at the same time so it took ages and crossed with your much more serious one. Massive hand holds - hope you can get some sleep. Keep us posted tmw.

I have a foot in both camps - I find the ritual and stillness of church very soothing, but I’m so tense most of the time that my shoulders are in knots, so for that I go for a massage!

Oops. I’ve done it too - took ages to compile my post and so overlooked Dint’s much more serious one. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Ambulance has just arrived, 8.5 hours after being called. I'm at home, waiting for a call-back once they've assessed him.

Oh Dint I'm so sorry, your poor Dad. And what a dreadful worry for you. 8.5 hours for an ambulance is just criminal.

dint hoping you get some help with your df today.

oh dint I can feel your stress from here - hope today brings some better news.

Can anyone think up a solution to this please?

Mum is 84 no big health problems has all marbles, Dad 86 not terribly well and mild dementia. So manageable but forgetful.

Mum can manage in the day with support from me or Gummy. By the evening she is tired due to her age. Gummy has been going there at 7-8 pm most evenings and staying the night because Mum is too tired by then. When Mum goes to bed and takes her ears out she can't hear if Dad gets up, which he might, but might not.

They can do the occasional night without Gummy but Mum is desperate by the next night.

I know Mum, she wants a dogsbody in the evening to fetch cups of tea and clear away their supper plates. Then a young pair of ears to listen out for Dad. Not a nurse, something less than that. What do I mean?

hmm. I think what they need is a nice lady to do the nights - and as she will be being paid, then the dogsbody bit and the listening out is all fine. NOT fine for gummy to do that on an ongoing basis. Most private care agencies will provide someone to do overnights? not cheap though... but if they have the money then I'd go for it. SS wont provide anyone, am pretty sure of that. Just be aware, if family are seen to be able to provide care then SS will expect you to do it. You have to be really hardnosed and say that you CAN NOT provide eg 3 daily care vists (and that's leaving aside the nights, which I am afraid to say they will have to pay for) x

Thanks Yolo - that's right really isn't it, just a nice lady rather than anything particularly high level. Someone with the maturity and / or confidence to go into Mum's room and wake her if really necessary.

I know Mum in particular would really, really hate having "strangers" in. But that leaves me and Gummy and GTits once a fortnight when she's not having her hair done or pissing off to Antigua.

I think I will ask their cleaner if she knows someone kindly and mature who is looking for a job. It's an odd position isn't it? Dogsbody/Ears.

I've been thinking of Dint today and wondering how her Dad is.

I took Dad out today to one of our old dog walking haunts, I didn't take the dogs. I stopped the car 10 metres away from the coffee benches and he was exhausted by the time I got him from the car to the bench.

He thoroughly enjoyed it though and I remember my sister and I just praying and praying that we would get him out to the park once more. He's so frail and thin but i have to be realistic, he's 86. Life becomes so hard for them after 80-85.

How have you been - have you de-adrenalised yet?

Thanks, thigh - Dad has spent today changing wards so I haven't visited, and I leapt at the chance of a friend doing the Saturday visit. Doctor rang me today - he's confused but alert and had been chatting to all around. Probably a bit more inclined to fantasy than normal, but I'll see on Sunday. So the main worries now are infection and lack of mobility. I'm so tired today, don't do well with missing a good nights sleep. But have told all the people who need to know, and tomorrow I'll start sorting his house. And I've made some medlar jelly (it was either that or let the juice go off).

Helping my dad arrange his lasting power of attorney. GP charging £130 to assess his understanding. Seems a bit pricey. Anyone have experience of arranging LPA's?

A solicitor wanted over £1000 to arrange it, hoping it all goes smoothly so I've saved my dad some money.

I don't think you need the GP for that highby, just 'a professional' who knows them if I remember rightly. I got a friend of mine to do it (professional in a completely unrelated field) - who knows my mum.

The only thing I found tricky with doing the form myself online is that you are on a countdown from the first day, so it's worth keeping an eye on timings. On my first go I submitted it but had got something wrong, they sent it back but by the time I corrected it (I'd made the mistake of putting down the GP and had to arrange to pay them etc) it was out of time.

You don’t need a GP to do that. It needs to be someone responsible who knows the person well, and can honestly say the person understands what the LPA is all about.
As the above poster did, I asked a friend of mine who knew my mum very well.

Just to add, you can organise the whole thing yourself, but read and re-read the instructions as it’s a pain to make a mistake.
Triple check all the pages are there when you send it off.

If you need the GP to do it I think £130 sounds about right highby - it’s a lot but not out of line with what they charge for other things - DH and I had adoption medicals recently and I think they were about £100 a pop. The solicitor trying to charge you £1000 for a form you can fill in yourself is despicable though! I would question whether you need the GP tho - when we did it it just needed to be someone unrelated who had known the person 2 years, so an old friend of dad’s did it. Maybe it’s changed?

Thigh Dogsbody/Ears = Personal Assistant and actually not that strange a job - I discovered when hiring dad’s PA that people have them for all sorts of things! They will be expensive through an agency as yolo said but if you do it privately you need employers liability insurance, payroll etc so depends how bothered you are by paperwork (supposing DM won’t do it). In our town there is a disability charity that helps people with PA stuff (they even do our payroll for a not-outrageous sum) or some councils have the same service - help with recruitment (inc a register of PAs looking for work) setting up as an employer etc.

Dint glad your dad is being looked after. Hope you got some sleep.

cabbage of course! PA! That's it, forgot. I employ one for my ASD teen but it's such a different thing to what M&D need that I didn't think of it. Of course they'll do different things. I actually use a young NQT SN teacher for AngelChild so it didn't occur to me to return to the same register. Doh!

Off for a massage shortly, yippee! Now all i need is a gigolo who doesn't speak to me, at all, ever. Had a male client phone me yesterday and spent 5 minutes talking about work then he went on for 50 minutes about how hard is life is. Oh piss off.

Dint is it a UTI?