Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

@yolofish in that case I will have to look into it further. Where can I go for more advice on this matter?
She's living on benefits we have awful paying jobs. We're now applying for universal credit because we have fluctuating incomes.

fatbrows in my area it is called adult social services - so start with your local council and take it from there. They really should help you.

charlie country so sorry, late replying (been sorting DM's house for sale most of day) sounds like a really bad day for you, hope you have some sort of calm by now?

Hi - is anyone still up? I’ve been lurking on here for a wee while and I’m so sorry my first post is to ask for hand holds rather than offering them but I really need bucking up.

Short version - my dad has young onset dementia and lives alone. My brother lives at the other end of the country so I am primary caregiver, tho we have just hired a PA but I have to say so far there has not been one iota of reduction in my workload as a result (the opposite, in fact).

Anyway, I somehow managed to convince myself they’d all be alright if I went away for 5 nights for a desperately needed break but I found myself dealing with a crisis while I was there involving lots of phone calls and that awful feeling you get where your heart just plummets into your boots. And then I got back to a (separate) really awkward thing that has taken me most of the weekend to sort.

And now I have to go back to work and I feel just as overwhelmed and stressed as I did before I went away - like all the benefit of the break vanished in a second. Seriously my eyelid started twitching the moment my brother messaged me the morning after I got back.

TL:DR My dad is a nightmare and even when I go abroad I can’t escape him. Please hold my hand lovely people.

I know realise it probably sounds churlish to be complaining about not having had the benefit of a holiday when many people won’t be able to have one at all. Sorry everyone - I do, honestly, appreciate there are people in a worse boat than me!

Cabbage I get it. Poor you - even the break is not a break and then you feel overwhelmed as soon as you return. Until you have been there you can not understand - sadly I think many of us do totally understand. I hope that you manage to get some rest tonight and it is not as bad as you fear in the light of day.

Cabbage hand hold from me. Sorry you didn’t get the break you needed. 🌺🌺

@CabbagePatchCheryl totally get it, you're exhausted and it's constantly stressful. You may find work is the break you need .... I know I am quite looking forward to being back tomorrow ....

And from my perspective, there are always people worse off than you are (or one is, you know what I mean), and I do desperately feel for them but that doesn't make me feel any better about my own situation it just makes me sorry for all of us. No point in comparing in my view, it is all just shit ....

Hi guys sorry am a bit of a lurker in this post and it gives me stength knowing I am not alone? I couldn't really go into the back story as tbh I wouldn't know where to start and I never seem to have the strength or time!!I am looking for a wee bit of help with my mum I think u might need to get her a wee home help jut to give both her a me a bit of support, whether she will agree is a totally different story but will criss that bridge, does anyone know how to go about this? We already are dealing with social work as my dad in a home and we are in Scotland if that makes any difference. Thanks and any help much appreciated feeling a bit overwhelmed right now xxx

Not in the same boat as many of you, but feeling very run down by “oh I don’t ever ask for much” DGM.
No, hardly anything. Just stopping by to do (daily) shopping trips for milk, bread, liners (she’s almost incontinent so really needs something more but would never admit it), calling daily to ask me to stop round and read her mail to her (continually buying tat from QVC and catalogues, signing up for direct debit systems without realising it), and checking when I have days off (I work full time, but not mon-fri) so that she can “get excited for a nice day with you”!!

I love her to pieces, and would gladly give her the help she needs, but I’m struggling to understand why, when she has two DS, one DD (my mum) and a saintly DIL (the DS and I all work full time, DIL and DD only part time) I am always the one who gets called on for post-reading etc?!

I apologise for venting, I know my troubles are minute compared to some here, but I needed to vent.

DH has his colonoscopy this afternoon. Debating whether to go and see DM while I'm in the hospital with him. Suppose I should... but am pretty sure it will be pointless and distressing for both of us. OTH, she has had no visitor for 10 days now.

duckling I understand! "If you're going to the supermarket, could you just pick me up some bread - no urgency, I've still got 2 slices left". No, I wasn't planning to go to the supermarket until at least the week after next. I now keep a stock of his food at my house so I can re-stock him easily.

And then all the background admin that they know nothing about - cancelling unwanted DDs, explaining to suppliers why a bill has been overlooked, arranging appointments, finding out about test results...

☕️☕️ to all.
yolo that’s so hard. Do whatever will help you most.

duckling it's the addition of a whole other person's mental load, not to mention the physical load of 'just popping out' and picking up 70 billion items and having the cash to pay for it and then being paid the precise amount of £24.73 rather than just chucking you £25 and being done with it.

I think I wont go and see DM today, I cannot see what good it will do her or me, and I am anxious enough as it is. She is due to be moved - somewhere - this week so once that's happened I will go.

Yolo not sure what to suggest. Maybe you would have time to pop in while DH has his colonoscopy and then mentally tick it off your list for another period of time. Or maybe it is just me that finds I am incapable of deciding not to do something and putting it out of my mind rather than letting it gnaw away at me.

Sorry cross post. A decision is good - that is what I struggle with! And yes to the other persons' mental load - wearing me down.

@yolo and @pandiculation YES, you totally understand.
It’s so frustrating, as she only lives a 5 min drive away, and just round the corner from a huge supermarket, so telling her I don’t have time seems cruel. Then, on the other hand, it’s not just the 10 mins travel. It’s the finding a parking space (a nightmare, because I’m shopping at the same time as all the other people who can’t shop between 9-5 during the week or the weekend), then paying, getting all her shopping put away, sorting out finding the change (yes they never will round up the change will they 😂), then she looks all sad puppy eyes at me when I say I haven’t got time to stop for a cup of tea!
Never mind the fact that I’ve been at work all day and haven’t been had a chance to eat.
She genuinely believes I do it because I enjoy doing it, rather than because she’ll pile on the guilt if I don’t.

Bloody glad I didnt go and see DM as DH's news not good. Def malignant, stage 3, v close to rectum (so that means probably colostomy, hopefully reversible), and a quite high chance that it has attached to wall of pelvis which triggers much more urgency and more major surgery. Current plan 4-6 months of chemo and radio, 8 weeks off and then surgery. Worst of all is no alcohol and no red meat!! I knew it wouldnt be good news, but this kind of sets it in stone.

In the meantime, no one knows what is happening with DM; I have to go online to our county council to fill in forms about her finances without which DB's county council will do nothing. To do this, I have to go and collect ALL paperwork from DM's house and then sort her rather 'erratic' filing before I can even begin - and then wait. No news about whether she will be moved off acute medical ward where she is bed-blocking. Bloody fucking mental load indeed! cockroach to all.

yolo I am so so sorry about your dh news. And to have to deal with dm, and paperwork too..... it’s c#£&.
🌺🌺🌺

yolo sorry to hear it wasn't better news for your DH, sounds like the two of you have a tough few months in front of you.

Welcome to the newbies. Consider yourselves members of the sort of club that nobody would apply to join.

The only advice I can give is define the line that you draw, and stick to it. If you continue to turn yourselves inside out to do all things to all people, you will drive yourselves mad/into an early grave, etc. Sometimes you need to say no. Spread the load. Get external help to outsource some of the effort (apply for Attendance Allowance if your person doesn't already get it). Cut yourselves some slack.

Cockroach all.

Yolo** that's shit, am so sorry.

sound advice there from nota, the only thing I would add is that you probably have to start living this stuff before you can do what she advises. From my experience, you get sucked in (kind of like boiling the lobster alive) but eventually you reach a point where you realise something has to give.

That 'something' shouldnt be you, because most of us have others to whom we give as well. And we all deserve and need to look after ourselves - oxygen mask on a plane stylee.

Quite right, although the plane is definitely in trouble at that point @yolofish ....!

Yolo, so sorry.
Great advice Not a. OH has been turningbhimself inside out because his dad won't accept that we can't do what he wants. Bearing in mind that even a short visit will be a 3 hour round trip on top of full time jobs, we have said that we can sort his shopping and take him to visit MIL in a home a couple of times a week but that isnt enough. What he wants is for a DIL to move in and look after them during radiotherapy and until he is recovered and for someone else to take him to hospital everyday so he doesnt spend time waiting for hospital transport. Its impossible and he has shouted and sworn at OH so many times, saying he might as well kill himself if MIL (who needs 24 hour care and can't be left at all) has to go in to a home, saying we just want them dead so we don't have to bother. OH has finally realised he has to say what he can do and stick to it firmly in the hope that FIL will calm down. At least we haven't had the usual 2 or 3 calls a week panicking about something, just a couple of very short and stilted conversations where OH calls him and keeps the topic to football.

Yolo, I am sorry about your Dh. More important than ever to protect yourself right now.