Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Yolo sorry it’s such crap news and such a rubbish situation all round.

I have been quite hands off for a month (aka only going in twice a week...) and it has made a massive difference to me. I hadn’t realised how sucked in I’d got and the thought of them disturbed my everyday life worrying if they were ok, on the floor, could I do this or that etc. I’ve realised that Dad has to accept help from outside and I was almost preventing him realising that by propping up. You can’t back off and nor would I want to but the aeroplane mask analogy is so true.

Hello everyone, I was on these threads a year or two ago when we were trying to deal with my MIL needing to be rehoused following a couple of nasty falls.

She’s been living in a private rental flat for the last 18 months but it’s becoming obvious she really needs to be in sheltered housing of some kind. We (me, DH and BIL) all agree she really needs more support - BIL lives 2 hours away and although we are only 10 miles away DH works away Mon-Fri and I work part-time as well as looking after our 2 small children - but despite my researching the local options and literally handing them on a plate to DH and his brother neither have them have done anything about it. I’m so frustrated!

MIL (79) has had 3 falls in the last 5 years that have put her in hospital and all of them have happened in the winter, so odds are she may well do something again soon. She’s has carers in once a day to help out with a few tasks - they were coming twice a day but she told them to stop 😤.

I guess I just want to vent and ask if anyone has any advice on how to go about planting the seed in her mind about moving somewhere a bit more suitable? She’s a bit forgetful but no dementia as such, and thankfully we have POA set up, so she doesn’t need to go into a home.

Just popping in to say 'argh!'.

Thank you.

Cave mum, I've been drip feeding with DM about how nice a more manageable place would be etc.

Yolo, I'm so sorry about DH's illness. Maybe it will force everything else into place, priorities wise.

My 'argh' was so trivial. DM keeps accidentally upsetting the programmes on her D radio. So we got her an echo dot. No need to touch it, just tell it what you want. She's now managed to 'factory reset' it.

Hi all. Just a quick hi and also thanks to those who gee'd me up the other night. Whoever said going back to work might actually be a relief was right! I was just happy to be doing something "adult-y" (my dad is basically like a 7 year old who thinks he's a fully independent 63 yr old so I often feel more like a harassed mum than a daughter.)

yolo so sorry to hear your news. It never rains but it pours. You and DH will just have to put one foot in front of the other - tbf that's all I can manage most days and I'm only looking after one person.

Could some lovely person explain cockroach for the benefit of us newbies please?

Yolo what a lot to take on board with DH at the moment. I hope you are all managing to process it all. I imagine your DM's paperwork is not exactly what you want to be dealing with at the moment.
Cabbage if you read the first few messages on this thread you will see that Yolo had a particularly inexplicable exchange with her mother around a visit from small animal with a hard back! Easier for you to read than me to try to explain.

Pickle my sympathies. In my experience technology issues and the elderly are never a trivial 'argh'.

Aha! That's a great story Well, I have taken Dad to the dentist today which is always truly one of the most stressful things EVER. I cried for about 2 days after he had to have a filling last time - he has no idea what's happening and yells and squirms and puts his fingers in his mouth while they're working on him. Fortunately this time all fine - no treatment required - but Bastard Twitchy Eyelid went into overdrive nonetheless. So a stiff g&t for me as soon as I've picked DH up from the station. Cockroach to you all!

Hi all. It's my grandfather that's driving me insane.

He lives in a house with my brother who is his "carer" well he gets paid for being his carer. Last winter he ended up in hospital and upon discharge he needed carers. He now has carers in twice a day to wash him and get him to bed. I organised everything for him but it's still not good enough. I got him home physio, an electric hospital bed and mattress, commode and handling belt etc. I also sorted his gp and medication issues out so now he has home visits and his meds are delivered to be door.

Up until July(I developed breast cancer and I'm on chemo etc) I visited twice a week to cook and clean and support where I could. I offered to do the shopping but was told they are managing fine. No one else from the family were helping and the house was filthy as brother doesn't clean at all and grandad is now chair bound through choice as he refused to work with the physio.

I saw the bank statements back in May when filling in a council assessment form for him to pay for his carers and found that my brother has been spending grandads money. £500-700 a month on takeaway, pc games, internet subscriptions etc this is on top of brothers own money, carers allowance and attendance allowance which goes into brothers account. I rang the police who weren't able to do anything as my grandad had given his bank card and pin to brother. Grandads care bill is now over £3000 and most months bills have bounced. Family told brother to stop using the money, we removed the direct debits etc. Found out this month that he is still spending the money.

I am literally at the end of my rope. Ive emailed the safeguarding team of the elder persons social services team. I've shouted so loud but no-one will see this as financial abuse or neglect. Brother sits upstairs all day long and grandad has to scream repeatedly to get him to come down and make him a drink or lunch. He doesn't always get his meds as brother forgets, he has lost 4 or 5 stone as he isn't being fed properly.

social services asked grandad how things are and he said "everything is fine" so social worker went away again.

I'm exhausted from the chemo and all that comes with that but I'm also exhausted at having to shoulder all of grandads issues as no one else will step up. Daughter makes promises but doesn't deliver on anything so I get to hear all the slagging off of her and how she promised this but didn't do it. Another granddaughter is now going over but only washes the dishes so the rest of the house was disgusting when I finally managed to get over there. Think every worktop covered in rubbish, fridge at 12 degrees so no wonder he has been having diarrohea, tea bags and food remains every where.

I'm fucking exhausted.

Thinking of you often yolo, we are all here with you .
Hi to everyone else. Sorry we only got to meet on here.
Last nights meeting with the trustees was surprisingly helpful. Reassured that there is money to finance DF in home for quite sometime. Also that DB is being monitored as he clears the house and that they hope to put house up for sale at end of year. Maybe there is hope that this will all one day come to an end.

Good to see you pickle and whatever. And sending yolo 🌺🌺🍷🍷
Welcome newbies- sorry you are here.
Echo the feeling tired with it all.......... it doesn’t end, does it?
cockroach

pandora sending you every strength possible over the ether.

Hospital sending confused msgs: discharge team say she has to be out in 3 days (what are they going to do, put her in a wheelchair and dump her on the doorstep?) while consultant doesnt want her to move as says she is 'comfortable' (despite the fact that she is described as 'lively' on the word, which means she is demented and screaming). Spent 4 hours going through her paperwork today and established that she set up POA in 2007, signed by both DB and I. Neither of us remember doing this, so I have to phone solicitors in am and see if we can action existing one now which might speed things up a bit. Also found her living will and her 'proper' will so I guess I need to make sure healthcare providers know she has a living will?

DH and I both determined we dont leave such a pile of mess for our DDs to deal with (hopefully not for a long time...) but I guess I will have to go see DM solicitor and so will get POA and living wills set up for us both, plus review our existing wills. DH situation has sharpened our focus a bit.

cockroach (small animal with a hard back for those who do not know) all round, and I'm going to bed now. New dog is an early riser!!

Yolo, from my experience working as a nurse the discharge team will find the first space in a home, any home that meets her needs and put the patient there. Then it will be left up to family to move her to a better/closer/different home.

I’ve realised that Dad has to accept help from outside and I was almost preventing him realising that by propping up. Yes, I've just come to the same conclusion. He's refused an OT assessment, and I've decided we don't do any more in the way of providing handrails etc unless he agrees to the assessment. Unfortunately, as a man who has always lived by his intellect and is used to being the expert in the room, he's hard to convince that someone else might suggest something he hasn't thought of for himself.

Popped on because I'm having an AAAARGH moment.
I'll gladly take any advice, sympathy or pull yourself together that's going.
Brief background, DF nearing 80, lives alone, DM died while I was in Uni.
Following DM death was just me at home, youngest child.
Fast forward to now leaving out all the crappy sibling dynamics other than to say DB lives with my SIL and dc over an hour away, DS lives 5 minutes from DF with her DC (2 young adult and other nearing adulthood).
I have 5 DC between 16 and 3, live 10 minutes from DF.
I work as do siblings.

DF will come to me with any issues, appointments etc. No problem really except it exhausting and he doesn't do enough to help himself.

He's living somewhere totally unsuitable for his reduced mobility. Think loads of stairs outside up to flat. On a big hill which means he can't/won't walk anywhere and he's at risk of falls.
He still drives, he shouldn't be, as his skills, perception etc are not what they should be.

I totally understand that he sees it as his independence but I see it as a risk to himself and others.

This could be remedied by him moving somewhere more suitable, we've offered to help, I've taken him to viewings, I'm on the mailing list for properties but he can't be arsed.

He claims he's fine but will ring me when things go wrong or doesn't want to go out because it's cold, wet or he doesn't want to get up. Like I really want to drag my 3 yr old out when it's like that in between school runs and daily life .

He'll make appointments and then just assume me or DP will be around (we both work shifts), then sulk if we're not.

My frustration comes when he claims he is fine where he is thank you very much but will then moan or expect me or DP to just pop out to the shops, or run around when actually he can't cope.

I know I sound awful, please don't misunderstand me, I love my DF and I will always be there for him, but I want him to look at the reality of his situation.

I'm terrified he will fall and hit his head/ break a hip. I worry that he'll crash and kill himself or someone else.

I've had friends who work in OT tell him his flat is not suitable and that if in the future should he need a wheelchair, it's not suitable for manual or motorised.
It would be impossible and unsafe for anyone to get him from his front door to the road in a chair.

I understand he's scared and no one wants to admit they find things hard, I get that he always thought he'd face this together with DM, but I'm so damn tired.
Sorry that was really long and whiney.
to everyone dealing with these situations.

Hi Bibbity - join the club! It is a problem when they are so strongly independent but getting more and more immobile.

My Dad is suffering greatly reduced mobility. Luckily I have been able to move him downstairs with a downstairs bathroom. I'm slowly introducing other aids which are strongly resisted at first even though he needs them.

I'm gradually succeeding by the drip effect. Introduce an idea....it is refused....suggest it again with pictures..... bring an example to show him.....start to say what a good idea he has had....and so on. It takes six months for each idea to be taken on board!

Could you use the drip effect?

bibbity absolutely no judgement whatsoever on this thread, we are all going through it and we know what it's like. From what you've said, you are 100 per cent correct in your assessment of his needs/abilities/frailties. Also you are not being whiney!!

Dont know if you have already, but would you consider contacting various bodies: eg GP for an assessment, adult social services for same, and would he let you do that? (perhaps not...)

If you are really worried about the driving I would contact DVLA direct. I was about to do this with my own DM until she suddenly announced one day that she thought she would have to stop driving immediately. If she hadnt reached the decision I would have done it, bugger her independence, its just as much about protecting other people.

LittleSpace and yolofish Thank you for your kind responses.

I've been trying for 3 years to get him to move, including offering to buy a house with annexe or separate sitting rooms (would stretch us massively) he has refused.

I haven't let him drive me or kids for 13 years.
When he was ill earlier this year , I ran myself into the ground, scrubbed his carpets when couldn't make it to the bathroom, shopping, monitoring at home after I called favours in from medical colleagues who were so concerned they wanted him in hospital; he refused as I was " looking after him".

After that I managed to get him assessed by a re-ablement nurse who told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to move,he rubbished her but agreed to raised toliet seat .

I thought things might come to a head this week after he called me to confess he "scraped" his car. My DP took it to the garage after I saw it today and insisted it be checked. It's being scrapped. It was rather more than a scrape.

After I told him what the garage said he said "we better look for another car.
I'm afraid I got rather cross, no shouting but I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't agree, that I will not be complicit in him still driving and that he was selfish for placing his right to have a car over others right to safety .

I think I might talk to my Uncle, his younger brother, he's v straight speaking which is why I think DF didn't mention the accident until I threatened to.

Am having a moment. My parents' carer is having another weekend off but the agency are being shit and haven't yet provided any alternative. So now my sisters and I are discussing what we can do to cover. One of them, has just texted to say she should be able to 'pop in' over the weekend ... because that's what they need ... someone to 'pop in'.... I don't even want to respond in case I just completely lose it.

I can't go over for another weekend ... it isn't fair on DS .... I can't be the one that does this every weekend .... must stay strong and not crack and offer to do it because no one else is stepping up .....

Bibbity- I've been there, calling in favours but not getting anything in return, not as much as a millimetre. Unfortunately whilst they still have capacity there isn't much more we can do. You have done your best, in fact gone above and beyond. Personally everytime he expects you to dash out in the wind and rain and upcoming snow and ice with the 3yo in tow I would be half tempted to say something about this not working for you anymore and you need to get an outside agency into help.

Charlie-oh I love the "pop ins" um no that's not going to work. We need a b or c. It's not as easy as that I know. My family "pop over" and do fuck all but the sun shines outta their arses.

Hi CharlieandLolaCat I'm a newbie on this board and l guess we're in different circumstances, but I wanted to say I'm totally with you on the "oh I might be able to pop in".
I feel like screaming, "I don't need you to pop in, I NEED YOU TO STEP UP AND DO YOUR BLOODY SHARE".
By the same token I want to say to DF call one of your other sodding children.
But I don't, when DF was ill and I was on my knees between work, kids and caring for DF (I actually broke down at work and my very lovely team steered me to the door and told me to come back in a few days), I snapped and sent a message to my siblings telling them that they could take DF to his next appt as DP and I had used all our emergency leave.

I adore my DB but he's v out of sight out of mind when it comes to DF, pisses me off as I know full well he'd be hands on with his DFIL if needed.

Anyway un- mumsnetty hugs and . Be strong and fingers crossed you have weekend time with your DS.

Bibbity you have my sympathies on the driving front, we finally convinced MIL to give up her car about 18 months ago but she is now saying she is depressed because she can’t go wherever she likes - totally ignoring the fact she lives in a city with good public transport AND we set up an account with a local taxi firm for her.

I’ve told DH that if she gets a car I will be reporting her to the DVLA as unsafe to drive so that her licence is removed. It didn’t go down well but when I asked him if he was prepared for the possibility she could hurt/kill her self or someone else he quietened down.

Pandoraslastchance omg yes to the useless pop ins but the sun shining out of their arse.
I also know if I invite DF to an occasion, say Christmas, he won't come if he gets the royal summons invite, even if my invite was first and he had agreed to come.

Tbh the not coming no longer bothers me and I know he does it because I won't give him grief, but it does hurt to see him so excited over their invites, but my efforts are just expected.

charlie stay strong with your sibs, say you cannot possibly do it, and popping in is not enough. (Although it is rubbish the agency cannot get someone else in - maybe like my DM your parent is 'difficult'?)

spoke to DM's solicitor today, have progressed masses of stuff. Asked if we can officially spend nearly £6k on first months nursing home fees plus private ambulance transfer. Solicitors cannot advise us to do this, but then said that as DB and I are clearly in agreement and working in DM's best interests it should be ok. spoke to DB; I will speak to care home in the morning and then book private ambo for next weds. he will come on the tues and go back in ambo with her.

given me a huge sense of relief; if it all goes to plan tomorrow then i can start visiting her again with a real answer, and once she has gone I can focus on DH and my girls. Feels odd to think I might never see her again, but she really isnt my mum anymore and I have done my best for 10 years or so. DH and our children are what matters for me now.

Thanks all. Bibbity, I'm a newbie too, had a bit of a moment last weekend and decided to join in and see if I can gain and give a bit of support to those of us in shitty situations .....

Yolo, the issue is location I think. Really struggled to find an agency who covered my parents' village and I suspect they're now finding it hard to replace her.