Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

My father kept copious notes, diaries, carbon copies of letters etc throughout his life, and I am going through them at the moment, ditching crap, keeping a pile for DB and a pile for me for future reading/chucking etc. In one way, we children seemed to have loomed large - but actually not large enough at all over the course of their lives. We both boarded, DB from 7 and me from 10. Meanwhile my fat her's career and my parents' social lives were pretty fucking amazing. But when I read the letters we both sent as little children from boarding school, I think wtf are you expecting now?? We were loved, but inconvenient. Sorry, I am rambling and thinking aloud.

Yolo your mother is really having an excruciatingly slow death. Everything is thrown up in the air by it. You have probably said many times im sorry - when did your father die?

Sorry - ive just worked it out from your previous posts. Ignore that.

I know everything in my life looks different since dh died. When my mother dies it might be worse still.

My therapist has challenged me to listen to my mother, stop jumping to every thought of my sister's, and support her to move back 2 hours away from me, if she still wants to in a few weeks. I feel a bit despairing at tge thought - its not my therapist who will have to rush down thre to hospital etc. But i am also more at peace at the idea. She is so very low.

my father died in 1996, 8 weeks before our oldest was born - he dropped dead on the golf course, of a heart attack. He was lucky... it was a horrible shock, of couse, and he never met either of our children, but it was clean. I just want to cry and cry, but I cant unless someone is kind to me I cant, and then I just feel that other people have it so much worse so I am being a big wuss.

am seriously considering some sort of therapy, or at the very least going back to gp to discuss upping antids and getting some sleeping pills. GP had never met Dh before last Monday, but suddenly we seem to have a hotline... I am so aware that I have to be strong and well, for DH and the girls, and also to sort the practical aspects of selling mum's house etc. I am the one on the spot, and I dont actually mind doing it (because I will do it well) but omg the strain...

Yolo you have a huge amount to bear at the moment. Take every opportunity to obtain support to keep you strong

Morning all.
Yolo dealing with uncertainty is so hard. Please see your gp, and look at counselling- you have an impossible burden.

Annandale, how far away is your mum at the moment?

Yolofish, I think about having therapy too. Never had it before.

For those considering therapy, our local NHS offers free online therepy, which for many NHS trusts you can self refer to access: www.iesohealth.com/en-gb
I used it last year when I was at rock bottom after mum had a stroke, and it really helped me.

Can anyone help me?
My mother is staying with us for a month, has limited mobility and is refusing to bathe. It has been nearly a week now and her skin is starting to weep because she is obese and suffers from fungal infections in the folds.
I am at my wit’s end.
Twice I have got everything ready (bath lift, immersion etc) and then she’s said ‘oh not today’.
She does have to climb a set of stairs but told me before she came that she could.

Bwatch - my goodness. Have you seen her climb the stairs? Can she really do it? She might be too ashamed to admit that she no longer can, or perhaps thought she could but finds your stairs too steep.

How is your house arranged? Any washing facilities at all downstairs? What about her sitting in a well-heated kitchen on a chair with towels underneath, with a sink full of hot water and soap, and a whole stack of clean flannels?

Hi Annadale, I don’t honestly know if she can do it, but she swore to me that she could.
We have a small under the stairs toilet, she can do some maintenance in there. I don’t honestly think I can sponge bath her, she’s too big and I can’t rinse her without flooding the floor.

I am actually so frustrated I want to cry.

oh bw that sounds so hard for you both. maybe this is the issue that tips things over, and where you need to involve SS, if you havent't already. You cannot possibly be expected to manage this on your own.

DB had conf call with local hospital today and has managed to get them to agree to keep her until bed comes up in his chosen nursing home's dementia unit. Also to get phsych team back in to see her, and to get pain relief team to consider moving her off opiates. Why hospital could not do this without prompting after she has been in for 3 weeks and counting we do not know.

Instructed an estate agent today; there is masses to do

Bwatch what a situation. agree with yolo about trying social services.

Bwatch it sounds awful. As others say, you cannot manage this alone. Do contact social services.
Yolo, good to hear dB is chasing things up- and please be kind to yourself. 🍷🍷🌺🌺

bwatch I think you can get special bed bath wipes, large ones, for people whi can’t or won’t bathe. Might be worth a try

Thanks MotherofTerriers! I’ll take a look.
I can’t call social services on my mother. I think maybe a visit to the go, perhaps a district nurse can come and shout at her.
Yol, glad you’re getting progress. Dementia is a horrible disease

When my DSF became to poorly to physically cope with showers, baths or even bed baths we discovered no rinse 'shampoo' , 'shower gel' and so on. Alongside ordinary baby wet wipes and the good old well wrung out flannel we managed to keep him clean and fresh. More importantly we also kept his skin intact.
Sorry for the Amazon link but this was one we used www.amazon.com/No-Rinse-Body-Bath-16/dp/B000093I60?tag=mumsnetforum-21

As to calling Adult Services yes you can and you should, ask for an assessment under the Care Act. It's not telling tales, it's getting the help and advice your DM deserves

bw what windgate said about calling adult social services - it's really important that you start getting the help in place as soon as you can.

I am a long time lurker on this thread. It has given me a bleak sense of comfort to know others go through the same things although I would not wish these journeys on anyone. Today I finally got my mum to the memory clinic where she insisted there is nothing wrong with her memory. She is being sent for a brain scan but the consultant reckoned after today's tests that she might have vascular dementia as well as Alzheimer's. I find it interesting that so many of us have strained relationships with our elderly parent(s) and yet take on the burden, often alone, of care. It is so hard to get time off work to attend the copious amounts of appointments or respond to agitated phone calls. Thank goodness for gin.

DB has booked her a place in a dementia unit. 45 mins drive from them, but on a waiting list for the one 5 mins away (same chain). Not quite sure what will be achieved, home says they cannot provide same 1-2-1 nursing as in hospital but 'confident' they can tweak her meds enough. In the meantime, her bed will be lowered to the floor and a mattress laid along side.

Personally, I think it is all a recipe for disaster, but it won't be a disaster on my watch and that is all I can hope for now. Starting to clear the house, omfg what a task... so much stuff! But better I do it on my own than with my sil wittering on about stuff and 'oh maybe she'll need that?' she wont need anything apart from nighties and cardies, she is doubly incontinent and I doubt will ever walk again.

yolo I think that you might find when she is in your DBs area and you see her less you become a little bit more healthily distant from the situation. I can’t word that correctly but I recently had a holiday and it reset my head which was on implode setting before I went.

piglet I have no idea what my Ma has. No one has formally diagnosed her but Alzheimer’s has been mentioned. I’m past caring because it is what it is.

pierce I absolutely long for the day... too much on my plate here. I really dont mind sorting the house on my own, got some muscle (!) coming on Sat to remove stairlift and bathlift as cant get photos done until it is all cleared. Think we will have to sell both for spares as there seems to be little market for second hand items like this. Have got all the 'aids' out into the garage now for collection on Friday - got to be there 8 til 6 just in case they turn up whenever, but that's ok, Ddog and I will do some more clearing. Just got to remember to take milk so I can have coffee!

We also awaiting formal diagnosis of dementia; they cant do it while she's in hospital for some bizarre reason? cockroach all round chaps.

Piglet sorry you have to join us🌺🌺🥃🥃 vent away.
Yolo, as you say you can do no more for your dm and you must look after yourself and your dh. Hope you are taking your time and not trying to do too much..... 🍷🍷🌺🌺.