Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

The fear of what will happen is an 'interesting' concept. For me, it is that my mother will be moved to some sort of care home, wherever - and then not die. She is not unwell, physically, but broken in terms of ability and mental cognition. She doesnt have cancer, lung/kidney/any other organ failure, so she seems condemned to linger on, delirious and/or demented and physically broken. There seems to be no quality of life for her, and I cannot imagine that she will get 'better' enough to have quality of life ever again. Limbo, purgatory, call it what you will - I truly believe she will be better off dead, and perhaps in time I can grieve for the person she once was, not the one she is now. She would be horrified, and ashamed, if she knew what she is like now. And I can understand that. Sorry, cockroach Friday all round.

I'd really urge you to make sure the consultant is on the same page about not giving antibiotics for any new infections yolo? Sometimes even if the decision has been taken it seems to be reset if things improve. Only if you feel it is in her best interests to let nature take its course.

Yolo, I hear you on that fear.

Too much happening here to explain but hugs all round.

This whole experience has made me question our strategy for health. I’m going to eat clotted cream scones when I’m 70 and hope for a cardiac event before dementia

annan we have DNR in place, I've found her living will, we have had convo with hospital about antibs (they say they will decide on a 'that day' basis, but anyone with any heart would say that should she develop an infection treating it would not improve her quality of life).

lighthouse hugs back at you, and pierce the children and I have already agreed either the one way trip to Switzerland or the pillow over the face.

In the meantime I neck red wine and smoke - which I know is stupid, but I do not want to be 88, broken, incontinent and demented and nor do I want my children to be in my situation. My Dad dropped dead of a heart attack on the golf course when I was 34 weeks pg with oldest. Hell of a shock, but on balance, much the best way to go. He was only 68, so could have waited 10 years, but even so...

I'm sorry about your dad yolo but I think you're right. My mum had a heart attack in September, we thought she was so lucky to survive relatively unscathed. She then had a fall, broken shoulder, 4 months of hospital, delirium and eventually passed away after refusing food for 2 months.

Watching your mum squeeze years of dementia-like deterioration into a matter of weeks is horrendous, and in hindsight the heart attack would've been a much kinder end.

Getting old absolutely terrifies me now

oh lello my utmost sympathies re your mum. Mine has similar: was ok til June 7, 9 falls since then, 4 care homes, I think 5 hospital admissions.

Broken shoulder/upper arm (twice, same arm), broken hip and then replaced - what on earth is the point? She is 88 ffs, she's not going to be dancing the tango ever again... and probably not having a normal convo either. Sorry, so gloomy, but as I have often said: we wouldnt do it to a dog, in fact it would be illegal. We put our ddog to sleep end of July to end his suffering, why on earth cant we do that to people?

I am so tired, I have to sleep. Much love to all of you on this thread, you can't imagine how much support you have given me. Thank you.

I need this thread just to find people who really understand the experience and how grim it is

My dad died of cancer. Brutal to say, but it was kinder to him than the dementia has been to my mum. People understand cancer as an illness and he got appropriate levels of support for what was palliative care. He knew what was going to happen to him, which allowed him to get his affairs in order, etc. With mum however, as with many of the parents above, she will resist and refuse most help and offered interventions, insisting she can cope, until the falls, hospital admissions, etc. Zero quality of life. Unable to leave her house, reliant on me for delivering food, organising appointments, paying bills, etc, therefore totally dependant on me which she hates as our relationship has never been good (I think she is jealous of me). However she is 90, and probably physically in better shape than me. Her mum lived til 99, and she is set to go the same distance. I however will probably not reach retirement age due to stress, etc.

Hi all, sorry not been posting much lately as things settled down since DM died. However reading posts today really strike a chord with me.
As some of you know DM had Parkinson's and died suddenly at a time when our relationship was very strained. However, I am now left with responsibility of visiting my dad who has dementia and has been in a home since last December. This week I'm suddenly finding visiting him so hard. He's all of my 'family' I have left but he is left barely existing with a very very poor quality of life. The visits and trying to smile and make pointless conversation just seems so cruel.
It was hard for DM as she knew what was to come and I can see her sudden but peaceful death was actually quite a blessing for her.

whatever big hug.

I went to see DM today, for the first time in a week. It was pointless; although she seemed relatively lucid in that her conversation was to a point, it was all about extreme paranoia, fear etc. And what she is saying is bonkers, although she can hold the thread of the convo. She was delighted to see me, but then wanted to involve me in her particular form of madness, and as I cant solve it I came in for some quite extreme abuse.

I dont think there is any point me visiting her again; I cant do what she wants, I dont make her feel any better (and prob leave her in a worse state than when I arrive, thus causing more trouble for other patients and staff) and my god it is draining and depressing for me, and because of DH cancer I have to focus on what I can do, not what I cannot.

Had a lovely evening tonight with some friends, but I am afraid I burst into tears a couple of times (in quiet spaces so as not to spoil the party) but I dont want to be doing this!!

Yolo huge hug back. The emotional moments are totally understandable and okay. I'm sure DH thinks I'm really loosing the plot.. one minute I'm running around living life and the next I'm in pieces crying my eyes out! Don't know where the outbursts come from or what sets them off but I just have to tell myself it's ok. We are all coping with so much.
I am sorry your visit yesterday was so hard. It is not easy to think of our parent being left in a place that isn't home but have to be reassured they are in the best place to be safe and be cared for by people with the experience to manage their illnesses. They are not well and as such are not the same people that we grew up with. I'm mourning and missing the Dad I relied on as this man I'm now left with is not him.
Hoping everyone has a brighter day today 

Whatever and yolo- big hugs from me. It sounds so hard. Watching fil decline was so awful.
Yolo, you must try and look after yourself to try and get someth8ng in your tank for what you have to come with dh.
Whatever- could counselling help? Somewhere to offload?
cockroach all....

Hello everyone, I have been reading this thread for a few months but haven’t had the energy to post anything. I have been looking after my 82 year old mum after she fell and fractured her femur.

Reading all your posts have made me feel less isolated. I don’t think until you’re in this position you cannot realise how hard it is looking after an elderly relative. It’s also depressing as like previous posters have said it makes you dread getting old when you witness the problems on a daily basis. I’m drinking far too much red wine but as yolo says do we really want to live into our 80s? I’m feeling really down today but I just wanted to say I’m sorry we are all having a difficult time but I’m very grateful of the support this thread provides.

Yolo, big hugs

I really feel for everyone here.

to be honest, I haven't posted because things have been too much for me, I don't know how some of you are still standing.

it's the same in many ways - my father is so ill, it's inhuman, and the doctors are just pumping him full of everything in order to keep him alive with no real prospect of getting better. I just can't understand it.

He had a heart attack a few years ago and it would have been much much better if he'd gone then. This is making me utterly terrified of, well, everything.

I've started on blood pressure tablets and the GP has ordered another load of tests because he's not convinced it's stress, so that's making me anxious too.

I feel constantly on the verge of collapse.

beautiful yolo and whatever hugs to all of you. It is indeed really difficult not just physically, time wise but also emotionally
I plan to write my DC a letter releasing them from feeling the guilt of struggling to care when I probably won’t even know

Oh lighthouse

Oh lighthouse🌺🌺
beautiful sorry you find yourself here but feel free to rant away. Lots of wisdom and support.

Thanks sandwich and Pierce
lighthouse it’s terrible isn’t it that their health problems start making us unwell?

A letter to DC sounds like an excellent idea- I hate the thought of my children putting their lives on hold to care for me.

Hi everyone. I have come here for a bit of a hand hold. My poorly dad has been in hospital with sepsis and pneumonia. He is currently refusing food and so they put a ng tube in to feed him . He has got kidney failure also. Today he has told us he just wants to die. He can't take anymore. I think tommorow the doctors will talk to him and see if that is still his wish. We will then probably have the discussion about how it will happen. Just here for a hand hold. X

Ferraro, here’s a hand across the ether. So sorry to hear about your df. Is a hospice an option? Wonderful places with the best support for him- and you.🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫

@FerreroRocherAreAmazing offering you a hand hold. My dad hayed the NG tube and pulled it out. Dr discussed it with him and he then went on the 'end of life path'. It wasn't easy but his wishes were respected and he went in his sleep. I'm so sorry you are facing this situation.

We are about a hr and a half away from home and I don't think he's stable enough to be transported home. He also suffered a massive stroke last week which has impaired his mobility. They are talking also if he has capacity or not? Thank you The sandwich. Xx

Such a hard time Ferrero. I hope he is able to have a peaceful death and the hospital respect his decision

ferrero I am so sorry it has come to this, none of it is what any of us would want. I pray (as much as I ever do) that your dad has a peaceful passing.

I am feeling so emotional at the mo, and I dont know where its coming from!

DM: I can do nothing. DH: we really know nothing until a week tomorrow. So why do I just want to weep? it's ridiculous. My closest friend coming tomrrow and I know I can cry on her, but I just dont want to be this feak and weeble person. DF's daughter died from glioblastoma (brain cancer) aged 19, I 100% know she will support me, but but but....