Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Really sorry to hear this yolo. There is no limit to the crap life can pile on. Hope the nurse visit goes ok.

thank you all, so much, you have been such a support to me already. windgate I am so sorry to hear you've had the same but also appreciate the good news too. I do have rl support, but none of my closest friends are anywhere near, I speak/msg my closest many times every single day and we support each other. She said tonight that if DD hadnt been staying an extra night she would have driven up and stayed over even tho she has work at 8am tomorrow.

I just feel pretty numb if I'm honest. One of those shit things that life throws at you, but until we know what happens next, what stage his disease is etc, we just have to keep on going. bit unmumsnetty xxxxx

What utter crap.

And yes your DH is your priority. He too must be feeling pretty scared.

All my best wishes to you and your family. If there is anything a stranger in London can do at any point, let me know.

I am starting to get a bit weepy and trying not to, at least not until DD has gone back to uni tomorrow. You lot being so kind, and some lovely msgs from rl people are starting to undo me, but I need to hold it together in front of the girls for as long as possible so as not to worry them or make them think they need to do more than they should at this stage (if that makes sense?)

I can do very little for DM now, and am at the point of thinking my visiting makes her worse because she thinks I will 'rescue' her from her situation.

billys much love to you

{{ yolo }}

Shout. Swear. Scream. Cry. And breathe.

DH needs you, bugger everyone else (apart from DD of course).

Sending all things unmumsnetty

Yolo I hope you managed some sleep last night ready for today.

Billy I am so pleased you will have DF home with you until Friday. Have a safe journey today.

On the DH front, he's had a CT of chest today, presumably to check for spread. Nothing else - but he has finally managed to have a shit!! He was supposed to have an MRI and a visit from the oncology nurse. I was there from 11 til 3, and his parents for about an hour after that so at least he has been visited.

On the DM front, I got a call from discharge mgr today to discuss her discharge as she is 'medically fit'. I said but not psychologically, what with the one to one mental health care nurse 24/7, pain not under control, delirium, and no fracture clinic until at least next week means she would not be discharged by right team. Then told her to speak to DB as he is i/c now. DB wants to move her to Devon, either to a local hospital or to a 5 nursing home he has found which says it can cope with her (very high) needs. I dont think this is such a good idea, I suspect a 5 nursing home may well like to pick and choose its clients, and DM will not be an easy one. I also dont think she is fit to make the journey, but he and SIL can handle it.

yolo sending hugs and support from a stranger. Hope the hospital steps up for DH.Hope he is not in pain.
With DM-that is all you can do. You have done so much for her. Let DB pick up the load.

I've lurked for a fair while but as both my parents are now deceased didn't feel I had much of a voice on here. I cared for my mother for just 11 weeks before she died and it was the hardest thing I ever did. All you that have done this for months/years, you have my up most respect and I wish you all the very best.

Morning all. yolo really hoping DH gets the necessary further investigations today. Still thinking of you.

MRI at 9.15. Plus I have to go up to DM's ward because they are hopeless - wouldnt speak to me on the phone last night when I finally managed to get through after 5 hours of trying (told by switchboard man that they probably had the phone off the hook and he got me through by some machiavellian route bless him). Hoping not to see DM if I can help it but she may well see me as nurses station right opposite her bay. DB and SIL coming on Thurs so then they can take over completely.

How is everyone else doing? Please tell me some latest parental idiocy/stubbornness which make us all laugh?!

yolo

I can't tell you anything about parents that might make you laugh, because nothing about this is funny AFAIC.

however, you might be mildly amused by this morning's breakfast at mum's. They have Flora type stuff for their toast, so when I peered in the fridge and saw a tub of "I Can't believe it's not butter" I thought, oh that will be better, not that I've ever tried it.

put it on the side while bread toasted. Remembered Sheldon Cooper trying it and saying to the tub "I can TOTALLY believe you're not butter".

Toast popped up. Put toast on plate. Opened tub of I Can't Believe It's not Butter.

it was fucking lentil curry!!!! Stood peering in the pot and saying "Oh my god, you're really NOT fucking butter" just as mum walked in.

sorry that probably isn't funny but mum and I haven't laughed at anything together for about 6 weeks.

Yolo I hope you can hide from your DM. I was thinking about your point that she sees you as a white knight and I can so see that.

Love the lentil curry!!
Yolo, sending many of the good wishes for you today. You must be on your knees. 🌺🌺🌺🍫🍫

weird question, but as we have so much collective experience here..

my mother has been controlled by my father for decades. as a result, she doesn't know what his monthly pension is

I'm trying to figure out the finances at the moment. I know he was on a final salary pension but I have no idea what that means - a % of final salary? I can make a reasonable guess what his salary was when he retired, so I can guess at the monthly figure.

there will be bank statements of course, but mum is not at the point where she is willing to show them to me. It's all very bizarre. She just keeps saying he will be back next week and he will sort everything out. (to be fair, he's not willing to show them to me either).

he can't remember what day it is at the moment so I can't see him being able to sort this out.

anyway, I digress - so I wondered about final salary pension as a % and then I can figure out a ball park. Retired from a government job in 2005.

mum doesn't even know what the household budget is.

Hi Lighthouse - I'm not great at this sort of thing but here is quite a useful looking Which page on final salary pensions, with a calculator. I haven't actually tried the calculator as I guess it may take you through to a 'subscribe to Which' page. But there's at least a rough rule of thumb as to how to estimate it.

Jeez, lentil curry on toast for breakfast! (I'm sure it's a staple with a naan or something, but I couldnt do it...) Bloody irritating! (but made me laugh so thank you)

DH had MRI, now waiting for colonoscopy and then a multidisciplinary team mtg to decide way forward. I dont like the way they seem to have leapt into full on cancer mode, but perhaps it is the norm.

Went to DM's ward to be told consultant wanted to see a family member, so off we went to a little private room. He thinks she has some dementia, certainly cognitive dysfunction and memory loss. Said hospital psych team were not much good. Medically they can do nothing else for her, and of course they need the bed. Physios still trying but because she has lack of understanding and memory loss she not very cooperative. She is also refusing meds, refusing to eat and drinking less. We discussed whether this was a suicide attempt but not sure whether she has the cognitive ability to do that/understand that. Next step is for Discharge Team to interview her to get view on her capacity to make a decision. She 'could' move to Devon, but doc thinks it would be pyschologically distressing and that confusion would increase, possibly permanently. Poss team meeting with DB and I there at the end of the week - IF I can get through to ward, which took 5 hours last night.

Eh up, the sun is shining and I'm going out into the garden. cockroach all round (never too early in my book...)

@Yolofish DH's road to diagnosis once it started was very quick. Colonoscopy, MRI, Ultrasound, multidisciplinary meeting and then we both went to a results/treatment plan meeting.
At this meeting was the consultant and a Macmillan nurse. Consultant explained everything and explained surgery time frame.
Macmillan nurse then had a second meeting with us where she went through everything with us again, her support throughout his journey has been amazing and very helpful.
First colonoscopy to bowel resection was four weeks. They try to deal with it as quickly as possible and not just leave you dealing with a diagnosis but no plan.

thank you so much windgate I hope we get the same speed, and the same happy result, and so glad to hear your DH ok now. DH's business partner also has cancer (metastasised) so it's all a bit precarious.

Lighthouse the lentil curry made me laugh

My cousin had bowel cancer in her 30s. Care was really delayed by a later diagnosis but once diagnosed it all proceeded rapidly. Hers was not metastatic but was advanced through the wall affecting lymph nodes. 16 years later she is going strong. I hope your DH has promising news soon.

Yolo, hope you found solace in the garden.
🍷Cockroach all.

Yolo, I have a friend who had bowel cancer and the docs did get on with it. She is very well now too.

Annandale, thanks, that was very helpful. I did have to question my mum a bit more, this was prompted by dad asking for post to be brought to the hospital. I'm a still stunned to find this is how they've been living....in 2018. I have explained I will deal with the post but I suppose it gives him a sense of something to do.

Meanwhile I can't believe the amount of noise people make in hospitals! Yesterday I had to ask one guy to turn down his music three times. Not helped by nurses who thought I was being a meanie.

DH coming home today, yay! Ward meeting for mum arranged for 2.30 tomoz, not so yay but necessary and at least both DB and I can go.

lighthouse yy to the noise and the visitors. One guy next to DH was on a very noisy oxygen machine, and had at one point 12 members of the family round the bed, all with very loud voices, and who invaded other patients' space and got in the way of everyone all the time. He was having breathing problems and they kept saying 'dont panic dont panic' in ever-more panicky voices. When they werent there he was on the phone to them, even if they were in the car park at the hospital... we took an immense dislike to every single one of them. Sadly the poor chap died, which made us feel a bit bad, but not bad enough to still hate the family (!)