Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Oops my post missed off my

blue so glad things sound a little better for you and DM.

Mine does not have a dislocated shoulder (and a suspicious part of me thinks: maybe they have decided they cant care for her?). However she has been admitted overnight and tomorrow should bring meds review and pysch assessment - fingers xd.

Blue, very pleased to hear that.

Yolo, that's confusing.

Things getting worse for us by the day. Following the constipation, we now have the opposite, and he just can't cope with cleaning up. Carers go in twice a day, but my poor sister has had to go round and deal with it all inbetween times.
I think we now have to step up towards either a live-in carer or possibly a home. Diarrhoea aside, he can't really manage anymore.

DM was distressed, and basically threw her weight onto her right hand side - while physio sitting next to her to try and keep her calm.

She has spent night in A&E as they still waiting for a bed. Hospital say not dislocated altho may have popped back in, but they keeping her in and apparently she will have full medical review and assuming no infections will be referred to psych team for full evaluation.

Going up there later and then over to care home to collect her stuff (100 mile round trip) as they will need the bed. It's a shame because it is the best place she's been in, but she couldnt engage with it.

@OhDear

was he given something for the constipation - it was impacted, did you say - and could that have caused a temporary attack? I can see that more care is needed generally though.

@Yolo
it sounds like she needs more specialist care on the mental health side for sure.

so feeling for everyone going through this. I have tried all the attempts at relaxing and being in the moment etc but I just dread whatever the next thing is, and almost jump out of my skin every time the phone rings.

oh dear your poor dad and sister... our experience with live in care was not great, but that was down to DM I think. Dont know where you are, round here it is about £1k per week, and the carer has to have at least 2 hours off per day, so if dad cant be left alone for that time then you have to get someone else in. They also charge for more than two calls in the night, and you have to provide food (or cash allowance). Care homes work out cheaper, the one mum was in was £800 a week with no extras. It was also very nice, homely, good people etc.

lighthouse so agree about being unable to relax and jumping when the phone rings... I am alone this week as DDs both back at uni and DH away for work til Friday and I had great plans to do (much needed) Stuff, but so far not happening. My best therapy is gardening, but I feel weirdly guilty if I do it during the week!!

Yolo, please don't feel guilty about gardening!

Re carers, interesting. In London/Essex borders the best price I found was £1300 a week. The closest homes, in terms of mum visiting, were even more. I think dad will need a full time carer quite soon but thought that would be cheaper.

So sorry to hear the updates yolo and dear
And certainly know the one about waiting for the phone to ring.
Hosp appt for dm tomoz- really hoping that more tests/ surgery aren’t proposed. Not sure I have enough Teflon.

I couldnt sleep last night and couldnt get motivate dthis morning so skipped work
Just had a call from home Dad has passed away after a 9 month battle which he fought hard and couragously in a very dignified way
Gutted x

Oh billy I am so sorry. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺 huge hug from a stranger.

billy. So sorry to hear about your Dad.

billy for you and your loved ones.
yolo I hope you manage to get into the garden - it is so frustrating to be prevented from doing the things you want and need to do because of the endless calls on your time and then not be able to do them when you can because of feeling guilty. The weather here is perfect for gardening and it may change by the weekend.

@billy condolences

@billysboy my sincere condolences

Billy I'm so sorry to hear that.

Billy so sorry to hear your news. Sending support to everyone

so sorry billy, wishing you all the strength and love as you all move forwards.

Sorry to hear that billy, my condolences.

Chin up yolo it'll be gin o'clock when you get home from that drive.

So very sorry, billy, to hear your update. We all live in dread of that call, even more than all the others.

My dad has emailed us all today to say that he has come to the decision that he wants to move into a care home. ASAP. This is a quite astounding turnaround (from two weeks ago when he was adamant he didn't even need someone coming in to help him dress). We've thought it was coming, but he needed to arrive at the decision himself. So, it's action stations, getting visits and research and organising funding (from his own resources, thankfully quite healthy).

Many thanks everyone its been a tough time
He had been ill for a while before diagnosis of sigmoid colon cancer which was operated on in January followed by a two month stay in hospital before being discharged with three horrendous bedsores which the nursing home wee tasked with sorting out
A few more trips backwards and forwards to the hospital before being placed on palliative care nearly 6 weeks ago with a MBO
Despite this and not having anything to eat apart from a few spoons of ice cream he fought on for the six weeks before losing the fight earlier today
He always remained stoically cheerful ,compliant and content keeping his dignity until the end , even yesterday he was given a tot of whiskey in his tea
The thing he left behind was a huge void in my life and I will miss him terribly
My Hero x

cheers for the icecream and whisky - - small pleasures eh xxxx

actually, I just remembered something about 'saint' DB from a few years back. Mum was poorly and he was very angry (and maybe she was not compliant enough?) and he started shouting at her, she was in her chair and he was standing up, towering over her. He reduced her to tears, and I physically got between them and told him to fuck right off. Then he went outside and I calmed DM down and went and told him, he was my adored big brother I had always idolised him... and he said I was stupid. Maybe I should have listened then? I do know very well that I dont do sympathy that brilliantly, but nor I have ever been threatening or potentially violent.

He and SIL are in my mother's house tonight until Friday am, and I have absolutely no desire to see them. If I'm honest, without DH here, I am potentially quite frightened of just how angry DB can get. Sorry.