Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

ohdear if accepting of a care home idea, I would crack on - it's good he's come to this.
blue how was phone consult with neurologist?

Sorry, for some reason I cant manage to combine c&p and new posts, so if I have missed anyone out I'm sorry

yolo that’s interesting re dB. Strange how these half forgotten things surface.
You are absolutely right not to engage.
ohdear good luck with the home search- don’t be fooled by glitz, look how people are treated and if the staff seem happy.

Yolo, when you say your brother is at your mum's, does that mean he is going to be visiting her in hospital?

The more, the more I think he's panicking that she will move to be near him.

*the more I hear!

I’ve had a fortnight away from the thread and a week away from my parents. I have been massively surprised by how differently I feel just for having some respite (from the parents not the thread!)

Sorry for those who are having a horrible time and to billy on your bereavement.

The last week has shown me that I’d lost perspective with my parents. The fear of an urgent telephone call, sudden deterioration or death, worry over whether they were coping, worry that my dad is struggling, worry that he was on the floor ill and unable to attract help whilst my mother rampaged around the place....all gone. It will return very quickly I’m sure!

Right now if my parents chose to move 400 miles to be with my sister I’d help them move. I had not realised how the constant proximity has worn me down. It felt like a 24 hr pressure, relentless and lacking in hope. I love them but hadn’t realised quite how bad things had got. My sister visits infrequently, sails in and is calm and happy and then off she goes again. I think she shuts the door having ticked the parent box and then just forgets it all. It never left me

Yolo I strongly suspect your DB is panicking as well

Interesting Pierce that the sibling in closest proximity does the heavy lifting, while the futhest sib breezes in and out. I've asked my brother to increase the frequency of his visits, or at least to make them regular so that I can plan my visits around them. The problem is though that when he does come, literally all he does is visit mum. Whereas I do the shopping, cleaning, gardening etc. Even if I try to delegate tasks to him they don't get done, I suspect because he says to mum, oh monkey says I should do x while I'm here, and she 'persuades' him to leave it to me. (We have a very working class patriarchal family pecking order, and I am the 'girl').

Still, at least if I get to busy myself with tasks while I am at hers, I don't have to exclusively listen to her criticisms (mostly of me).

re the proximity thing

we've wanted to leave London for ages. I now see that my parents could carry on this way, getting worse, for 10-15 years.

it's a terrible thought.

my sibling won't help, but today I was thinking - let's look at the worst case - the several years ahead - and should we move? I find it weird to be sitting on all this equity in London when I fecking hate it here.

and from the looks of things, nothing will get better. Dad was always horrible - he is temporarily too weak to be that bad, but mum says when I'm not there, he's already shouted at his relatives (in another country) for no reason at all, and he's probably putting on a show so I will keep helping.

I don't know what to do. I might be offered redundancy in my job as well - so if I have to get a job somewhere else, what's the difference?

we can actually buy a one bed in the Midlands and keep our flat on here and rent it out.

put that way, it's a no brainer. I was hanging around for mum, but if I had to guess I would say her heart will get her soon whereas dad will be one of those guys who hangs around forever. He's beaten death 3 or 4 times already.

I almost cried first thing this morning, I plumb the depths of despair at least 3 times a week. If we move, can we - or I, not DP's parents! - just say "well I'm 100s of miles away now, can't help". Or will I feel guilty forever?

Fuck it lighthouse - move! Do not put your life on hold otherwise it will be too late for you and you will be stuck. You owe it to your mental health. (bitter voice of experience speaking).

I can feel the anguish coming from your posts and it resonates so deeply in me. Particularly about being the nearest child who gets dumped on with the daily grind of caring, companionship and organisation whilst siblings carry on about their own lives without so much as a cheery wave or a backward glance.

Consultant took my wrath on the chin. And apologised for making the wrong decision to reduce her meds and effectively disabling her. Meds now increased and UTI now being treated so she's better and now able to walk. But still not great if I'm honest. Very hard to listen to her telling him whilst on the phone that she thought if this is my life now I don't want to carry on.

I (should say we (as in my siblings too) but we all know that only I'll be the one to actually do it) now need to find ways to give her life value.

Progress though as I have now booked a cleaner to start next week and carers to come in three times a week to make her tea and generally just sort her out on the days I'm not there so I can learn to manage my own anxiety about how she's coping when I'm not around.

I've also emailed local group for transport support to get her to local coffee mornings, seated exercise class, singing cafe etc etc

Hardest thing of all is trying to give myself permission to be selfish and not go and see her every. single. day.

It's wearing. But I can't thank you all for the check ins and advice and general words of kindness and encouragement xxx

blue give yourself that permission. Your quality of life is your responsibility, nobody else will worry about it in the way you are for your mum's.

lighthouse if you want to move - and it sounds like you do, then do it. Dont put your life on hold - we have for some 5 years now (not re moving but other stuff) and what I've finally realised is that we dont get the time back, the opportunities you miss wont necessarily come again.

blue you sound like you've got things sorted - well as far as they can be, and if by putting support in place as much as you can you carve out time for yourself and your family that's good. Crack on!

All DM's tests including CT scan have come back negative for infection or dementia. Awaiting psych visit some time today, I'm heading up there for a visit in a min. DB and SIL have invited me for a meal at local pub tonight, and I have accepted. Hopefully it's some sort of olive branch and we can iron some stuff out.

@yolo an invite by DB does sound as though an olive branch is being offered. I hope all goes well. And hopefully some answers from the medics soon about what's happening with Mum.

@Lighthouse what a difficult predicament. No advice just

light you deserve to be happy. Put in place support and facilitate from a distance.
yolo I really hope this evening goes well. Extra Teflon supplied.
And blue sounds like you are doing so much but you cannot take on responsibility for making your mums life have value. Protect yourself, and look after your self.
billy thinking of you🌺🌺
Saw consultant today with dm Who thankfully did not recommend cardiac surgery....... just her existing meds. Phew. Haven’t got enough in the tank to tackle that. She was v relieved.

Massive olive branch offered, accepted with grace, and much happier all round. I wont forget it, but at least we are moving forwards (oh fuck, that 's business twattery innit?!)

It's real though.

That's fantastic yolo. I guess these things always leave a scar, but nonetheless it is healing that they offered, and healing that you accepted so kindly.

I have to contact my BIL because DS wants to see him and the family. I am working up to it, I so don't want to, but I hope so much we have a similar outcome. Did you have to bite back the anger at any point or was it possible just to leave it on the shelf?

yolo I am so glad .......
ann hope you have similar success.

yoloDid they”reach out” to you to” run some ideas up the flagpole” and did you manage any “ out of the box blue sky thinking?”

Actually it was OK. They had a good visit with Dm in the hospital this afternoon, she was mostly lucid but calm and the odd veering off on tangents.

Then I arrived at 5.15, to find her screaming, covered in shit and trying to throw herself off the bed. Got nurses to clear her up etc and listened to her pleading 'help me help me, I'm trying to kill myself' etc.

So first convo as we sat in pub was that she had been given a suppository and produced the most marvellous shit, nurse regaled them with description of how perfectly formed it was etc - good ice breaker!! When I got there, she had smeared shit everywhere including onto the chair, her drinking cup, all over her hands - she wanted me to hold her hand but I had to hold the broken one (there are limits...)

ANYWAY: there was a big money issue involved. I put forward my proposal and DB said actually I was being way too generous as there was previous stuff involved with him and DF (dead 22 years). So we just agreed that we could sort that out if/when DM dies and we all moved on. SIL said she shouldnt have been so involved, and actually I welcome her involvement so said that. And we parted friends, agreeing that it had made us all feel better.

In the middle of all this, DM's sodding cat (who I adopted 2 weeks ago) has fucked off. We are not going to mention this to DM.

I think in our case it was a huge explosion, I've realised that DB does anger one way (quite frightening) and I just rant and rave but never actually do anything. With that marvellous thing, hindsight, my ranting outside my own immediate family was the wrong thing to do. And equally, them leaping into the attack was the wrong thing to do.

So I dunno, annan, I think we had all gone past the anger and are back into worried mode (basically because there is no idea of what is wrong with DM/no idea of what the future might hold or how long it could be). I realise that's all about me, and I dont know what any of us could suggest that might help you?

sandwich if we could find a fucking flagpole we'd run anything up it!! (I have always wanted a flagpole, but DH says they are naff - dont understand him at all sometimes).

Thanks for all the comments

We will talk properly at the weekend but I must admit, I'm leaning towards feeling that we shouldn't leave and tbh it will be a lot easier to get another job here

In sibling news, after saying on here that sis doesn't help, I haven't said anything to her. However, we do normally have a family thing with her over New Year and I don't want to do it. They live 90 mins away, the trains are often a bit shit on New Year's Day, and while I'm following the good advice to keep my powder dry, I don't want an overnight stay while playing at happy families.

If I'm still helping parents over Xmas, it will feel a total chore anyway, especially as they are 90 mins in the other direction from us so all the Tube travel will get me down even while not working! That said, parents won't be able to get out in general so actually the decent thing to do would be to have a wee drink with them, perhaps cook for them.

Anyway, I imagine sis won't be happy at this but I don't really care. I just she doesn't say how sad she is or something but hopefully she's not going to say that.

I couldnt make this up
Just had a call from our funeral director who had been called by Dads GP asking if he could bring the body back from the neighbouring town to the funeral directors next to her surgery as she needs to see the body as a locum examined Dad at the time of death in the nursing home as she didnt want the 20 minute journey
I told him to tell her the family are adamant he will not be moved until his final journey and if she had issue with this , that she could call me directly
He called back to say she was coming on Monday
I cant get my head around it and am incandescent with rage towards the attitude

Billy
Have I understood this correctly
The GP wants your father to be moved to save her a journey?

Has the death certificate been issued?

This is appalling.

That is disgraceful.

oh billy that is awful xxx