Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
Badders123 · 30/05/2017 18:19

Hope the tissue viability nurses can help x
Not sure what's going on with mum atm tbh.
She is in an odd state of mind.
One of Her sisters is very ill too - sounds like she is not eating and bed bound.
But mum is the youngest of 14 and she is 71!

birdybirdbird · 31/05/2017 16:17

Reading through these posts is so helpful. Having a young but 'elderly' in terms of health problems feels quite isolating at times. None of my IRL friends are anywhere near dealing with stuff yet!

Anyway, mum is still in hospital. There are literally no spaces in any care agency despite the small package she needs. She's very unhappy and floats between very angry calls/texts where I get shouted at for 'forcing' her to stay and apologies where she just says how miserable she is. The longer she's in, I worry that she'll find it very hard to adjust once she's home, that's skills she used to have will have vanished as she's not done them in so long.

Been interesting reading about the adrenaline surge too! Over the last 6 months I've been steadily around a weight that is healthy but low for me. The last month of her being in hospital (so knowing she's at least safe) and I've put on half a stone! Hope she's home soon, it's beach season (really hoping being light hearted is ok, if I don't try and find some -dark- humour at the moment I'll just cry...!)

Original poster
thesandwich · 31/05/2017 16:43

Birdy- dark humour is well understood on these threads- you are heard! And it's ok to feel "what about me" too......

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 31/05/2017 18:57

We def do dark humour here! And none of my friends get it either- their parents are all healthy and of sound mental states. People comparing it to their grandparents aren't terribly helpful either. Its 14 years approx since my mums mum died of dementia, and although it was painful it was absolutely nothing like this.

Badders123 · 31/05/2017 19:25

Mum is 71
But her health issues and attirude to life are of a much older person
Most of this damage was self inflicted (smoker for decades)
It's hard (but lovely) to see my mil out and about and enjoying life
She is older than mum but enjoys better health and makes an effort to go out and see people

picklemepopcorn · 03/06/2017 07:18

I've piled on weight, Birdy. Between being constantly anxious and constantly tired, I haven't got the mental energy to be disciplined about food.

Sorry for all the tough times, everyone.

MoreElderlyParentWoes · 03/06/2017 17:20

I'm sorry, too, for all the tough times people are going though.

::proffers virtual Brew, Cake and Gin::

My mother has been vile again today. We went away for a few days. First thing this morning, she was on the phone shouting about whether we were home (this is code for I should have rung last night) and slammed the phone down on my poor husband.

The irony here is that we had spent the journey home discussing where we could go for our summer holiday that might suit her too. I'm now not sure I can face a fortnight with no escape from her anger and nastiness (which is always directed at me).

Original poster
thesandwich · 03/06/2017 19:04

Hello more- sounds like you could go with the Gin and [ flowers] too.
It sounds quite timely- please don't feel pressured into going away for two weeks with your DM!!!!! Could you devote a weekend away to her.... then 10 days for you????

OP posts:
MoreElderlyParentWoes · 04/06/2017 00:24

Thank you, TheSandwich. I don't drink Gin but I am a gardener, so the Flowers are very much appreciated.

Yes, it is timely, but the dilemma is that I am solely responsible for my mother's day to day care. In the two years since my dad died, she has never been to the shops, bank or doctor except when I have taken her, and if we don't take her on holiday with us she will starve (or, at least, subsist on what she has in the freezer). I was recently out of action for two weeks and I thought that would force the issue - she'd have to find an alternative way of getting to these places - but it didn't. She simply said plaintively that she couldn't go.

I tried semi-seriously to convince my sibling that it was their turn to offer this year, but they refused even to consider it.

picklemepopcorn · 04/06/2017 13:11

I suppose if the freezer is big enough...

Can you arrange for someone to pop in on her while you are away? A care service, or volunteer from AgeUK? It's not great when one person has so,e responsibility.

picklemepopcorn · 04/06/2017 13:11

Sole, sorry!

Original poster
thesandwich · 04/06/2017 14:03

More, I agree with popcorn. There is too much on your shoulders. It is worth persisting in getting your DM to accept someone else- as you say, you were out if action fir two weeks.... if someone else does some of the grunt work, you can do treats😉😉.
You could always book an internet shopping order while you are away...... this won't change only get worse. Sorry to be blunt, but getting something accepted now will make life a lot easier. And why on earth should you go away with her if she is horrible to you?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/06/2017 15:10

Definitely agree with sandwich, you need your holiday without her even more, because she is difficult.

I've just spent 40mins on the phone to DM and am so exhausted... She goes round and round about an issue, decides what to do, then goes and does something completely different. She's over ambitious, keeps making life really hard by planning complicated trips, then complains she's exhausted, has no time to do anything, etc. I think I'll give my monthly stay a miss, she's not pushing it, and I could do with the time to get on top of life here. Everything is slowly slipping, and will only get worse...

Original poster
thesandwich · 04/06/2017 16:42

Pickle, giving the trip a miss sounds like a good plan- I seem to remember one of the regulars here used to do sudoku or crosswords during phone calls to distract them😄. You must take care of yourself!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/06/2017 17:54

Ha! Yes, I do a candy crush type game! And read MN! Glad to know it isn't just me...

CMOTDibbler · 04/06/2017 18:35

I think your holiday is an ideal time to start your mum with having carers (rename as you wish - daily housekeepers, cleaners, 'somebody to pop to the shops for you') coming in. You need a break, and things don't sound sustainable as they are.

I MN while my dad is on the phone. Its the only way I keep my sanity!

It looks like dads leg may be finally healing Smile and I found something in my life that he was interested in (house martins building a nest on the house), so thats pretty good.

picklemepopcorn · 04/06/2017 18:53

Good news, dibbler. That must feel like a relief.

EddSimcox · 04/06/2017 19:08

Hi all. Not been around here lately - too much on as my parents have been living with me for nearly 5 months. Crazy. But the great news is that they are moving out tomorrow. Or at least that is the plan. They bought a house finally last week, and the furniture arrives from storage tomorrow. So all being well tomorrow night they will be in their own home. DM saying rn that she doesn't want to go and that she can't cope anymore. She seems to think that DDad is against her but all he does is look after her. I really don't know how they'll manage but they can't stay here. Poor dad looks so depressed. She's impossible to live with, but there's no prospect of any carers just yet. I suppose it's just a question for waiting for a crisis. God, being old is shit isn't it.

Needmoresleep · 04/06/2017 19:55

Edd, you must be a saint. I think a period of withdrawal and regrouping is in order.

My life is on hold. If the GP receives the X ray from the hospital I am straight on a train to try to work out how we manage pain in an 88 year old with dementia.

I have been supporting my parents for 8 years. my advice is to pace yourselves and prioritise. If nothing extreme is happening then be the priority. If your parents are suffering as a result of their own stubbornness or poor decisions in the past, it is not your fault. You are not the sticking plaster to make everything better.

I spent most of last night awake with the sounds of sirens and helicopters. It made me feel physically sick. I will do what is needed to maximise the quality of my mums life, but I also want to live mine and protect my children as best I can.

picklemepopcorn · 04/06/2017 20:17

Congratulations Edd! Great news! I hope you can have a good rest before getting too involved again.
Needmoresleep, that sounds awful.

EddSimcox · 04/06/2017 20:47

A rest! I wish. I will have to supervise the removal people, and work out where to put everything and at least get them started with unpacking... And hire a cleaner. And help them build some kind of routine. And go round every day for ever probably. Rn I feel so angry and crap and I just wish I could run away from it all and hide.

EddSimcox · 04/06/2017 20:48

needmoresleep are you in SE London? Me too.

Badders123 · 04/06/2017 20:57

I agree re not being responsible for your parents bad decisions/stubbornness
Mum won't stay on a gf diet so she has constant tummy troubles.
I used to try and get her to eat gf...even made her gf bread
She "doesn't like it"
So now if she complains of stomach problems I just either ignore or say "oh dear" and move the conversation on
Same with the walking stick
I bought 2 - one for her and one for my car
She now refuses.to use them and cannot walk far
Again...her choice. She misses out on so much because she won't even consider a scooter.
Not my problem.
I tend to pop in now rather than stay...and I make sure I tell her how busy I am
I might take her to town tomorrow but it won't be for long....she can prob manage an hour
Unless She is going somewhere with my brother or niece of course
Then she can walk bloody miles
😡😡

Badders123 · 04/06/2017 21:04

Edd..you are a marvel
Good luck for tomorrow

EddSimcox · 04/06/2017 21:26

news flash !! DM has just told me she has just found out after all these years that I'm her daughter... she's devastated that no-one told her... you gotta laugh eh? actually i'm crying but it's been one of those days