Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

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It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

I see your problem. FIL's dementia was so advanced that he didn't link us with the missing keys. Scary that he was still driving around. Makes you wonder how many people with advanced dementia are on the roads.

Good luck. Know what it feels like.

Tell me about it! The fact her dementia probably started around the age of 60 makes me wonder how many others are doing it. Fortunately it was her diabetes which meant she was on 3 yearly license renewals, hence the DVLA cancelling it.

Hi everyone, hope you are all OK.

Cat- that sounds so hard, and 62 is so young. Mine is 72 and goes on all the time about "might go to work tomorrow" so be prepared if they do finish her for her to try and turn up anyway.

Pickle- how awful for your son. Bloody bastards. Hope he isn't too shaken up.

Cave- could your MIL be called in for a memory check? That's what they did with my Mum initially. Her dear friend had started to notice stuff, and pretended (bless her) that she was going for a memory overhaul- so my Mum went along with her. Obvs one thing led to another and my Mum got her dx with the call to go and do the driving test thing- which got her off the road. Not because she failed it, but because she wouldn't do it. Put it off a couple of times and then just seemed to forget about it, by which time paperwork had been dealt with and she was thankfully, officially off the road.

I have been nursing flu since Wednesday so being totally irresponsible and ostrich like and watching Broadchurch on Netflix.

Mum is booked into the nursing home for a respite week from Tuesday- now, how do I play this from abroad? I'm not sure how it is being played back home, whether she thinks she is going "away" for a week (I need to ask my cousin what they have told her- she has been going to this place twice a week for the day for a month and apparently "never shuts up about it" so obvs all fingers are crossed that she likes it and decides to stay, A huge thing, but we'll all feel "better" knowing she is, at least, safe and looked after) I wonder if ringing her while she's there will be distressing, or whether to treat it as if she is on holiday (ie not ring her till she gets back) and just speak to my cousin every day as usual. They were going away for the week but have decided to stay put in case they are needed. I am so lucky to have them at the coalface.

Dad was driving dangerously for ages (arguably ever since he passed his driving test, but that's another story). As he began to lose his abilities across the board, it got worse. He also could not work out how to pay his tax, and I took the decision not to help him. The inevitable happened, the car got clamped then towed away. He was upset, but had listened to no one when many including me tried to get him to stop driving. Luckily his car was probably only worth a couple of £100.

We don't have any concerns about MIL's memory or dementia at the moment, it's all purely physical - can't manage stairs, unsteady on her feet (her latest fall occurred while getting dressed), etc.

Her driving has been dodgy for a good few years, I refuse to get in a car with her driving, but DH and BIL have avoided the issue for fear of upsetting her.

While going through her documents I found a letter from DVLA from 6 months ago about the renewal of her licence, so that's gone through again recently. Is it a 2 year or 3 year process? Obviously I want to remove it now rather than wait!

Cave I don't know if there's a standard, but my mum's was 3 yearly due to diabetes from about the age of 55. Every time it came up she had to present the form to the GP to confirm that her physical health didn't pose a risk on the road.

I had just returned home after some scheduled maintenance work on one of my mother's properties, to hear that she had been found collapsed on her floor. So weekend plans were cancelled and I headed down the motorway again.

It was probably a UTI brought on by perhaps a mild winter virus and her not drinking enough. My assumption is that dementia will impact her health because she no longer understands what she needs to remain well: putting her feet up, climbing stairs and generally getting enough exercise, drinking enough. She had some amazing hallucinations, the first time this has happened.

She has been discharged. The hospital was happy to keep her in til a care package was arranged, but DM is self funding and I promised to set up 24 hour care till she was back on form. The priority was to get her back to familiar surroundings and routines as I don't want her to lose anything. It will be very expensive. The other learning was that it is important to go in and talk to nurses. You do not get as much, and don't have the opportunity to add background information to notes, if it is all handled over the phone. I also needed to make sure I felt able to take the responsibility of having her back at home.

It was useful that we had somewhere to stay. Our big investment has been a holiday flat near my mums, which we also let out during the summer months. It has been really useful so we have ear marked cheap out of season holiday accommodation we could rent should we have a similar crisis with in-laws. I have now set up wifi in my mums flat, that turned out to be no more expensive than her current phone contract, as phone signal is a problem. I also had to rush out and get bedding for the overnight carer. We had the bed but not the bedding. When I am next down I will need to do more to set the spare room up as a bed-sitting room. I assume it will be needed again.

Some good news for a change if that's ok?

It's my DGS 1st birthday tomorrow but as they live 3 hours away mum wouldn't be able to go to his party so bless them my DD, DGD & DSil came over today for a couple of hours

We had a little party with balloons and sandwiches (and pombears of course!) unfortunately couldn't have cake and candles due to the oxygen!

It's so good to see mum properly happy

Thats lovely Unmanned. And you can't have a party without pombears

It was mums birthday yesterday. Her 75th. I dithered about what to send her, and settled for cake in a card (great idea, wrapped slices of cake in a card) and a JL spring planted basket in the end. She was very confused by the cake, and wouldn't let dad take it out. Dad was pleased with it all, which was the important bit.
Dads legs still haven't healed after they broke down in hospital, and one is now infected again

Aww how lovely unmanned.
Sorry to hear about your dad cmot... that must be awful for him. I love the idea of cake in a card. And planted baskets are a great idea.
Thinking of you all...especially those with teens and exam angst too.

Hello again, I'm feeling a bit dented at the moment. I think I pushed too hard and now my mum's lashed out. I went to visit this afternoon. She knew I was coming, she rang last weekend to tell me not to last Sunday as she was unwell. But insisted I come this weekend and bring her stuff back (I've already returned the legitimate paperwork, it's only the stuff from the scammers I'm not going to give back).
So I was supposed to be there at 2 but was running late. Tried calling several times but she didn't answer. Eventually got there at 3.30, just as she was walking home. She'd obviously gone out to avoid my arrival at 2.
As soon as she saw me outside her door she told me I couldn't come in. Wouldn't engage in conversation just said she didn't want me coming in and forcefully shut the door in my face.
I know she's feeling anxious about losing control. I had a call from SSE (the electricity company) on Thursday. She's given them permission to talk to me about her account but the customer service rep said she was very concerned about how agitated and confused my mother had been on the phone. Ranting about me taking her stuff, cross that the SW hadn't turned up (there had been no visit scheduled).
It's all crashing down now. The doctor is visiting tomorrow to assess her for my Court of Protection application. Hopefully she'll be allowed in! I think I need to speed up my expectations of the time frame. Assuming I'm given control by the court I think I'll be selling everything out from under her and moving her to a home within a year. She's getting worse every week.
Bloody dementia! Sucks arse.

Oh cat, that sounds hard for both of you.You are right to want to sort things quickly - there came a moment where everything started going downhill very fast with my DM

And NMS - sounds rather stressful, hope things are a bit sorted now?

Unmanned, DM loves plants/flowers - planted baskets are a good choice.

Just been to see DM who looks as fit as a fiddle but is fairly incomprehensible! I brought her a load of new tops, but I think some at least may be rather large on her as she has lost more weight and is probably a size 10 and we'll under 5 foot after being 5 foot 2 and a size 18 most of her life. She was pleased to see us and knew who we were even though she couldn't remember our names!

Oh cat that sounds so tough. Unravelling- it seems to happen like that with dementia as the house of cards just collapses creating chaos. All you can do is as you said earlier- treat it like a work problem and protect yourself as much as you can. Take care
Btm it must be hard to see your mum shrinking mentally and physically. My DM is getting shorter almost daily- I had to talk her out of ordering a mini step ladder from a catalogue- she can hardly get out of the door let alone onto a step!

I take my hat off to all those dealing with dementia I'm fortunate that mum is all there cognitively - her physical/medical needs drain me so to you - take your pick!

My mum is losing weight rapidly too. I'm glad that she doesn't have dementia.

for everyone.

Really difficult week here. MIL is hopefully being discharged imminently so we've run around like headless chickens trying to sort everything.

We seem to be constantly hitting the wall that she's too young, so many things seem to kick in at 65 where we are. I think we've arranged as much as we can, so it's just waiting to see if it all actually goes into place when she's discharged.

We're also trying to navigate the benefits system for her, the home think she'll be entitled to a mobility payment now but it's so complicated.

Unravelling here too if I may?

Imaginary- your post could be mine. Apparently over the last week DM has been losing her keys around the house- which of course leads to her thinking she's been locked in, and banging on windows and doors at all hours, to the point where the Ndn goes and fetches the woman up the road who is our unofficial carer, to come and calm her down. Been a few episodes of her lashing out at her though as well.

Today is the day she goes into the res home for a week. Cuz took her down as usual this morning (she always goes for the day on Monday, gets her hair done etc) and this afternoon has taken her stuff. Was told that she's struck one of the staff since this morning.

She's been really enjoying going there, having her hair done, and staying with all the other little old dears, and actually enjoying herself there, getting the bit of stimulation she doesn't get sitting at home on her own all day. We were kind of (naively) hoping she'd go there for a week, and just like it so much she wouldn't want to leave (as happened with another relative) Doesn't look like it's going to be like that though.

I shall also try and treat it like a work problem- I am mad busy at work so that helps. I am also obvs not in the same country, and strike me down, but god I'm glad. I haven't told dd about how things are getting, because while we are not there, I figure she doesn't have to be dealing with it. I just want this bit- the kind of weaving in and out of lucidity to be over. We all know where we are headed, I just want us to get there.

Bollocks.

Sorry folks are having a tough few weeks

We got MIL out of hospital last weekend and into her new flat. We've arranged for friends to go and visit her every day this week to keep her company/check in on her. Her telephone line won't be up and running till later this week so we're reliant on her understanding how to work the mobile phone we've given her.

She's trying to do too much already, at the weekend she kept trying to walk around without the Zimmer frame and tried to bend down to pick up a toy DD had dropped.

DH and BIL have set up a separate bank account that we can run all the bills for the new flat through, plus handle the rental income from her house once that is let. We're getting the Third Party Authority and internet banking set up on her bank account this weekend which will tide us over till the LPA kicks in.

I have no idea how that link worked it's way into my post

Sorry to see there are more difficulties cordelias and perfumista, but good that your DM is trying to do stuff, cavemum?

I have a question! DM doesn't have any bra's that fit her now and I am wondering if anyone has any advice about a soft one that would be easy to put on. I am wondering about a teen bra or a sports bra - not much to put in it and what there is is extremely droopy, having lost so much weight!

BigTilly- it's not from the perspective of an elderly parent but DW has really bad eczema which is frequently irritated by "normal" bras so she wears sports ones from M&S which are very soft.

I think they'd be quite easy to put on too because you don't fasten them at the back, just slip them over your head.

Ah, I was thinking that getting a sports bra on would be harder - if I wear pull on ones they are quite tight and so hard to pull down and even worse to get off But maybe a larger size would be easier IYSWIM?!

BTM, M&S do zip front sports bras which are great - size up in the band/down in the cup to make them easier. I have no use in one arm, which is also fused at the wrist, and I wear these

Agree about m and s bras!
Sigh
So...I'm ill again but took Mum to town as promised.
My mil offered to come over and see Mum tonight for a chat and a coffee (she tries
To come over and see her once
In a while) and I confirmed this with Mum and her at 9:30am
My sister text her at 12.30 to ask if she could watch my nephews whilst she went to slimming club
So Mum told me to tell mil she was busy now
Is it me?
Or is that just shitty behaviour?
I'm so used to her doing it to me (dumping plans with me when she gets a better offer) that I'm Not sure if my view on it normal iyswim?
I've told mil not to bother arranging to see her again
Why am I Embarrassed by her behaviour!?
Christ, it's like being a kid again!
😞😡
Grrrr

DW likes the M&S ones bevause they're fitted less tightly than most sports bras and thus don't irritate her skin so I think possibly easier to get off and on than most. The front zip ones would be good too, I bet!

MIL is back in her house. So far she seems to be doing okay, she's more independent than we anticipated/feared. Her mood is much improved, at least for now, which is a massive relief.