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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
VintagePerfumista · 30/01/2017 15:34

Absolutely second the place in hell for these bastards. And I'll be there with my pitchfork to poke their eyes out. When my Mum was still sort of compos mentis I discovered a huge wodge of paperwork from some cunts of "legal advisers" in Doncaster (a quick google shows them to be total scammers) will writing, putting the house in my name etc etc. Obviously it was never done but the £2,500 went.

Needmoresleep · 30/01/2017 15:59

On another thread I have linked the Land Registry's anti fraud alert service.

You do not have to be the owner of a property. You can simply ask to be alerted should any attempt be made to transfer ownership of, say, your parents property. It is free of charge. This sort of fraud does happen though is rare. But there are some bad people out there.

I was very cross about the marketing techniques of mainstream charities and their junk mail. This has since been clamped down on, but I now direct my giving to local charities/activities I know and understand.

Needmoresleep · 30/01/2017 16:01

Here is the link:
www.gov.uk/protect-land-property-from-fraud

CaveMum · 30/01/2017 16:07

We're in the process of getting a restriction put on MILs property as we are going to pay off an equity release policy she took out (more scheming bastards!). She didn't tell us until after she'd done it, about 10 years ago and we just weren't in a position to bail it out. Now we discover we can't rent her house out until the equity release is paid off so between us and BIL we're going to pay it off from savings and apply a restriction to the house so that we will get it back if/when the property is sold.

The amount that is owed is more than double what she borrowed Angry

picklemepopcorn · 30/01/2017 16:07

Needmoresleep that's brilliant. Star

I'm going to bookmark it...

Badders123 · 30/01/2017 16:11

God that sounds awful need! 😞
I am third party mandate on mums account but I'm a bit vague as to what it enables me to do.
I haven't got a card or Chequebook for her account

Badders123 · 30/01/2017 16:21

In fact you've spurred me on to phone the bank...our local branch closes in 5 months so it would be handy to be able to access her accounts online.

CaveMum · 30/01/2017 16:26

Needsmoresleep I've only just clicked on that link you posted re the company fined for insufficient checks - its the very company that MIL has paid money to! Does this give us good grounds for getting the money back do you think?

Needmoresleep · 30/01/2017 16:53

Probably only if she had TPS.

But worth a go. Especially if you can draft it in a way that sounds legalise. Ie suggesting that you have organised and ready to take it further. You need to write in the first instance before going to any consumer protection organisation.

In the letter I would be tempted to ask for confirmation of contract details. It is quite possible it is a multi year multi payment deal. The letter will need to be signed by your mum. Put something in there saying she is elderly and not feeling well at the time. (My mum won't admit errors or foolishness but can admit 'not being well') and stress that under no circumstances should any agreement be renewed.

They sneak in renewals some time before the first contract ends. In my mums case I found letters confirming a further 3 year renewal 18 months before the end of the original 3 year contract, and with a massive price hike.

On the land registry thing it looks as if you sign up for alerts on a parents property you would be alerted if they were to remortgage. Equity release is a product that can be mis-sold. Then again a high street banks sold my newly widowed and confused 80 year old mother a 5 year stock market linked bond typing up all her available capital. When the crisis came we ended up having to remortgage to help her buy her sheltered housing.

I feel your pain. I realise I am still cross four years on.

Once I had sorted out the skip load of junk mail I stuffed all the paperwork I found in my mums flat into a very large suitcase and spend weeks sorting it out in front of the TV. The scams were scary but worse was the thought of what could have happened. My mum would have signed anything if the cold caller were charming and persuasive enough.

Needmoresleep · 30/01/2017 17:11

Sorry about typos. On phone!

CaveMum · 30/01/2017 17:14

I've checked online, she is registered with TPS - and I've signed her up for MPS today.

The equity release is water-tight, she knew exactly what she was doing but her reasons were frivolous - she fancied a new car so just bought one, even though she didn't actually need one and she bought a new boiler (despite her existing one bring less than 5 years old) because she had a few problems with it Hmm. She's one of those people that will throw money at a problem rather than research alternatives or ask for help.

I've also discovered from going through her bank statements that she's spent almost £2,000 on dental treatment since March last year - she's never mentioned any problems with her teeth but she's been with the same dentist for the last 15 years so I'd doubt they are scamming her. But it seems an excessive amount to be paying.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/01/2017 07:06

Just to update you all. I got the call late night/early hours.

She died :(

Luckily I managed to get there just in time so I talked to her and held her hand.

As much as I ranted on here about her sheer will of iron I was believe it or not very very fond of her. We've spent alot of time together over the ast couple of years. I don't know what I'm going to do with my day now I'm so used to seeing her and picking up yet another list of shopping or tasks she wants

Just kinda feeling a weird mix of relief she's not suffering anymore, sadness she's no longer here and I've no one to pass on all my gossip too, we had some laughs, and sheer exhaustion .

Thank you all fir putting up with me.

You are all amazing what you are doing fir your families.they are all lucky to have you.

Wishing you all as good a day as possible today. And those who are ill I hope you feel better

FlowersBrew It's a bit early fir cake but hey...Cake

bigTillyMint · 31/01/2017 07:27

Oh Giles, that was so fast Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 31/01/2017 07:46

Gosh Giles! FlowersFlowersthat must have been a bit of a shock. I'm glad you were able to get there.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 31/01/2017 07:52

I'm so sorry giles but good that you could be with her at the end Flowers

CaveMum · 31/01/2017 07:55

Sorry to hear that Giles. Is it going to fall to you to sort out her affairs?

thesandwich · 31/01/2017 08:04

So sorry Giles. Never too early for CakeCake be kind to yourself- take it very gently.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/01/2017 08:06

The home say they have a team who will deal with it all so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. They will be speaking to a friend who hopefully knows a not more than I do.

Yes I'm glad I made it to be with her I wanted to be there.

Can't thank the staff enough they looked after me as well as her. Such kind people.

Needmoresleep · 31/01/2017 08:09

I am sorry. Your mum sounded like a character, admirably unwilling to give in to the grimness of old age.

I hope the next week or so go well and that you are able to celebrate her life. And that afterwards you are able to catch up on sleep.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 31/01/2017 08:51

I'm so sorry to hear that Giles. You've been amazing to be there so much for her

OP posts:
VintagePerfumista · 31/01/2017 08:56

You have been wonderful Giles, above and beyond. Flowers

Living so far away from my Mum (though my cousin is her carer) I always hope and pray she has neighbours like you, which thankfully, by and large, she does.

LittleHum · 31/01/2017 09:03

Flowers Giles. Look after yourself.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/01/2017 09:18

Thanks everyone . Flowers

I'm going to miss our chats. She was a character for sure. Told the kids this morning they were a bit upset as I expected. They saw alot of her top taking her shopping round for me and chatting to her in the garden. They'd come home with a pocket full of chocolate biscuits shed given them.

I know she enjoyed our shopping trips I'd have to tell her off for putting a bag of sweets in the trolly for me or the kids then shed tell me off for forgetting something on the list...

I'm really gonna miss her. She's been over the road for a decade. Definitely gonna be so quiet without her.

ZaZathecat · 31/01/2017 09:19

Sorry Giles. So good that you were able to be with her. Everybody needs a friend like you.
I'm sure it will take some time to adjust to your new life, without your friend's daily needs. Probably the time now to think of something you've been wanting to do but putting off. All the best.

Unmanned · 31/01/2017 10:19

Oh Giles I'm so sorry Flowers