Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

I asked the receptionist and she said that POA only covered those deemed incapable
(which I knew) and that Mum hadn't filled on the form that would enable the dr to speak to me (and nor will she)
Oddly she did let me go in with her - dr has reiterated that if it happens again she is to phone 999
Not sure if it went in tbh
He has told me what to ask for when she sees the cardiologist (tests etc)
Feel quite deflated
I'm the final analysis she is a grown woman and it's her body.
I hope I never put my kids through this!!

The idea of letter is a good one - I will think about it and start composing one...

My PIL were like this with a series of catastrophic health declines and falls, mixed in with a large dose of total denial. They were hundreds of miles away and used to ring to say 'please help' in the middle of the night when we could do nothing at all (except ring an ambulance).

If you are in this sort of position with parents please don't feel guilty. There is nothing you can do to help until they have admitted to themselves that they cannot cope.

The one positive of my Mum's terminal illness is that I won't grow to resent her and she never suffered from dementia. I'm so glad she will stay herself almost right up to the end.

I visited again today. She has another chest infection. And on top is not coping with the waiting at all.

She hates it at the home wants to leave. She doesn't seem to get that the treatment they will provide at hospital can be done where she is and the change of venue is not going to change anything. She has O2 and pain killers and ABS none of which need her to he in hospital for. And she moans equity about waiting in hospital.

I spoke to the manager today and had a nice chat. She basically wanted to make sure that I know i can ask them anything and if I have any concerns just to talk to them. They are very wary if putting me in the middle of things and they don't want that fir me. They thankfully checked with me about them calling me at night as she keeps asking to speak to me. I explained that anything important or urgent if course you can call but I'm not up for indulging every whinge bat all hours and don't believe that will be doing her any favours which is what they felt anyway. But they do know they are to call me when she deteriorates no may her what time of day or night that is.

I keep trying to explain to her that she needs to wait her turn and that she'd hate it just as much if she was left half washed/ dressed just to go sort someone else out that second. She really needs to stop leaving it to the last minute to call. She's not been made to wait long just a few mins really. She must have known some time before she needed to pee. Instead leaves it til it's a struggle to hold it and then moans about waiting.

She'd be so much happier I think if she stopped trying to fight the way things are done.

Oh dear, it's all kicking off for everyone! and what!?! there isn't any chocolate! Who on earth forgot the chocolate?

Anyway, thank you all. NMS that sounds so familiar! Oh dear Badders and Giles, just when things looked like settling a bit.

I'm a bit sad that we won't have much time with my dad, but they aren't spending it with us. Still, hey ho.

And yes, I absolutely hope I don't put my children through this!

I can't work out how to attach a picture from the Android app but they are all chocolate bars on this for me, pickle. It's weird because on my phone (iOS) in the app they are the separate wine and cake etc emoji. I also can't work out how to enter... Never mning from the tablet again. Things today were easier with MIL, she cooperated more with the therapists and we are pretty confident that she will be able to attend the funeral. Sorry everyone else is having a rough time... Hopefully February might be a bit brighter for everyone.

Hugs to everyone. We're all going through the mill at the moment, aren't we?
Hope you all have enough chocolate, wine and hugs to get you through.

Dad is now reasonably settled in the nursing home: they're taking him out on a regular basis and have removed his requirement for 1-1 supervision as he's not falling or wandering as much. He seemed a lot more with it when I saw him last: my aunt reported that he remembered my visit, was aware that he wasn't well and talked a lot about people he'd previously forgotten. In short, he seems to be improving. On the other hand, he phoned me in a panic because he was convinced I'd been kidnapped and has been most insistent about items in his car that have been put there by the Mafia (seriously unlikely in a small housing estate in a village!)

It all has uncomfortable echos of exactly what happened to him a few years ago - he was completely confused for a period of time, then agitated, then it all slowly fell back into place and he could live independently again - until we went back on to the cycle.

Which makes it next to impossible for me to know what to do. Do I leave him in a nursing home for patients with severe neurological damage, where there's screaming and swearing all day, he can't have a decent conversation with any of the other patients and is miles away from anyone he knows; do I set things in place for him to come home knowing that the cycle may well begin again; or do I try and find residential care which would suit him now but would need to transfer to nursing care at some point?

It's also my mum's anniversary; what with all the confusion around Dad and world events I've been crying for the last 2 days. Not really coping at all and utterly exhausted. :(

permanentlyexhausted.

Just look after yourself too. I'm the same. What is helping a little bit is planning one happy thing each day even if it is really small.

to all seems a tough time all round!
After my whinge the other evening it transpires that mum's carbon dioxide levels were way too high - thank you wonderful home oxygen nurse! Her confusion should hopefully lessen now.
still not heard from district nurse

Hopefully it does help with the confusion unmanned.

Pigeon, that sounds really rough. It's often so hard to know what to do, or where to go, next.

MIL has a chest infection now. It's pretty minor but the home insisted on sending her to A&E - a massive waste of everyone's time. I know they have to be cautious but it does seem like they tend to extremes. DW is sat with her in A&E waiting for transport to take her back to the home

Thanks for the chocolate cordelias!
It is so complicated and wearing, isn't it? My brother saw my parents yesterday and they are better than I had feared, so that is reassuring.

Hope people are having a calm weekend wherever and whatever is going on.

Relaxing Sunday here, we are all full of colds and so can't go to see MIL, just hibernating. Horrible as it sounds we are glad of the break, and even MIL understands why us going would be a terrible idea so she doesn't feel abandoned.

I'm glad your parents are doing better than you'd feared, it must be a huge relief and to know that your brother has seen them too

Not so good here today. Got a call this morning. She has pneumonia and is extremely confused and not talking g just making weird noises. She's eaten and drunk a little so hard to know if that's good news or not really as she's so confused.

I've been here since this morning I'm afraid to leave just in case. I don't want her to be alone :(

Oh giles it's so hard to know what's best

It's weird, I know it's the hypoxia (sp?) But she keeps randomly laughing or what almost sounds like singing. It's almost as if she's I dunno like talking to something on the "other side" then she's "back with us"

Hypoxia is a bugger! Mum retains carbon dioxide so it's a fine balance for us - she's recently had episodes of not knowing if day or night, repeating herself, thinking I've gone home then come back even though I've only been in the kitchen.

It's so hard when you don't want to leave "just in case"

Hello all, I've been lurking on here for a while but now need a spot of advice.

MIL (78) lives alone and has been in hospital/respite care for a month after a fall at home. She's all there mentally and in general good health otherwise. Long story short, following the fall we (DH, me and BIL) have been trying to sort out alternative accommodation for her (she owns a 4 storey town house which is utterly unsuitable but it's only now after the fall that she's agreed she needs to move out) and sorting out her finances, etc.

We're in the process of getting an LPA sorted and have found her a flat which should be ready for her to move into next week. We're going to pay all her bills for the next few months while we get her house sorted to rent out (this will more than cover her bills).

Whilst going through her bank statements we've come across a few concerning things: two payments to what look like scams (we googled the company names and one seems linked to Council Tax scams and the other to nuisance call scams) totalling £150 and, more worryingly, two payments to a local garage for over £2500 each time (her car isn't even worth that much!) We think she may have had a car accident and not told us about it or claimed on her insurance.

My question is how should we broach it with her? I've tried calling the garage concerned but understandably they won't give me any details. I've got a letter of authority from her to talk to her bank while the LPA is going through so will see them this week to try and sort out the scam payments.

I've been adamant for years that she shouldn't be driving but DH and BIL have stuck their heads in the sand over it. If she's now having accidents and hiding it from us then we need to act now to prevent her driving any more.

Hello all- sorry to hear of the challenges.
Cave- we ended up getting a community police person to tell mil she could no longer drive- dementia. If your dh and bil dont agree that's tougher- could you hide keys/ disable car until " she is feeling better" ?
To everyone else- much sympathy and [ brew] and [ flowers]

Oops and

Cavemum,

I found similar when taking over my mum's affairs. Not nuisance call scams but ones around "protection" for her Sky box. Trouble is that these firms seem to share the phone numbers of vulnerable people with each other, so once you start getting these calls they will multiply. My mum may have had 15 different forms of protection. If you have agreed over the phone to a 3 year contract and passed the 14/21 day cooling off period, you can't easily stop the standing order at the bank.

Action, in no particular order:

1. Get her to sign a third party mandate on her bank account. This only takes a week, so is quicker than a POA. Say that since she is moving and you will be helping her with setting up utilities etc, it will be much easier if you can sort things out using internet banking. Then see if you can cancel any scam standing orders. Once you have the POA you simply register that.

1. Then write as officially as you can, in your mother's name, to the providers of these "services" asking that any standing orders be cancelled, and monies refunded. Give your phone number for any response - if need be saying that she are so plagued by calls she is no longer answering her own phone. You wont be able to take further action with any form of consumer protection till you have contacted them and got an inadequate response. I was able to hint of contacts within insurance regulation, which though not strictly true were sufficient that all 15 companies contacted me and agreed to stop future payments, though I accepted money paid till that date was effectively lost.

Google as much as you can, so you sound informed. Hint that you are determined to take things further if you don't get an adequate response and that it would be easier for them to simply cut you loose.

You might enjoy the irony in this article today:
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4170198/Firm-given-penalty-not-carrying-sufficient-checks.html

1. Sign your mother up for TPS. It can be done on-line. And the mail one.

1. If there are scam standing orders against her account which you have not managed to cancel, close the account. I ended up doing this, on the basis these were not people who were likely to chase me for breach of contract. If you feel your mum might continue to be vulnerable to persuasive cold callers, you might have two accounts, one for the business side of things, which you manage, and then a second with a debit card, but no ability to go overdrawn or to set up standing orders. (A bit like the sort of account a teenager might have, though in practice the same facility is delivered through a basic savings account. I now have POA and so can see the balance on my phone. If more money is needed, I can transfer it.)

1. When she moves see if she can change phone number. Especially if it seems she is getting a lot of cold calls.

1. Research taxi firms and accounts, as well as on-line deliveries, and suggest that when she moves it might be a good time to give up her car. It will be cheaper. And my experience is that the sort of places my mum now goes, including hospitals and the health centre, it is often easier to use the taxi account rather than try to park, given my mum's poor memory and restricted mobility.

If you have a junk mail problem, charities (the ones with the free cheap pens or Christmas stickers) and proper firms are reasonably good at responding to an email asking to be taken off the mailing list. Those people hawking vitamins and all sorts of overpriced trash are not. I finally wrote to them saying my mother was dead and their correspondence was causing great distress.

I filled a skip with junk mail....

Thanks thesandwich, I've already told DH to remove her keys when he's st her house next weekend. We might get away with "they've been misplaced in the move" for a little while until they both get the bottle up to actually speak to her about it.

The worrying thing is that the date of the repairs to her car from last year is only a few months after her last fall (when she broke her collar bone, shoulder blade, several ribs and fracked 2 vertebrae falling down some concrete steps in a car park). She shouldn't have even been driving at that point, certainly neither of her sons were aware she was driving by then.

She's lying to us, either because she knows what she is doing is wrong, or because she thinks WE are wrong to try and stop her. Either way it's not good.

Needmoresleep that's really helpful, thank you.

We already plan to get her a new phone number when she moves and will definitely register her with TPS - we think the scam she's fallen for was ironically a company promising to stop the nuisance calls for a payment. The other scam, from what I can identify, seems to be a company called "Claimers UK" who say they can get your Council Tax bill lowered. The worrying thing is that it says "first payment" on her December bank statement so I suspect another one may have gone out in January.

Unfortunately she doesn't have online banking, so it's a priority to get that set up for her, even if it's only us that uses it.

We've got her to sign a letter of authority so that I can speak to her bank (we were told over the phone by the bank that this, along with photo ID proving who I am would be sufficient). First thing I'll be doing is making sure any direct debits are cancelled and then we can chase up the companies concerned.

I don't think she has a problem with junk mail, we've never seen any issues when we visit (at least once a fortnight) but we will sign her up anyway.

Any more tips/advice are much appreciated!

Oh God cave

People are utter bastards aren't they. There's a special place in hell reserved for the scumbags who dwindle vulnerable people like this.

So sorry

Hope everyone is doing OK today. Thinking of you all

all round

Ask for a Third Party Mandate form. This gives you full access to her account including a card and check book. Really useful if you are doing a move, and is effectively a way of bridging the gap between taking over finances and having the POA come through. . Or have her request internet banking and put it on your PC. (Also set up an email account for her which you access. Over time you will find that you need to do more for her and it is so much easier doing it all from home.)

The earlier you take over the admin side, the easier it will be. My dad had everything neatly organised, and then my mum was on her own refusing help for three years. I ended up trying to sort the mess above, over 50 bank accounts (I kid you not - some were stock market linked with very very restrictive withdrawal policies - sold to a vulnerable person over the age of 80!), three years of missing tax returns, utility bills that had been changed every month each time a new salesman phoned, and an Inland Revenue enquiry, and the remains of my dad's probate. It took over a year.

Four years later I have just about finished updating my dad's rental properties so I can attract sensible tenants, and perhaps can sell them.

I feel very tired of it all. So heartfelt advice. Calmly announce you need her to complete the third party mandate so you can carry out internet banking from home. Nominate someone in the family who is willing to do this. Then sort out direct debits etc so workload is minimal, and have day to day expenditure in a separate, non-overdraft account, so any losses/scams are kept to minimum, without her realising that she essentially has lost control.

I have got better at an assertive approach which avoids discussion and argument. Fibs, though, are essential to provide a way for her to agree.

One thing that helped my mum (I was really shocked and worried about the extent to which she gave out bank details over the phone, so had to act quite abruptly) was providing her with a written summary of her financial affairs. She still worries a lot about "not having any money". So access to money when she needs it, and confirmation that there is enough to see her through, made a real difference.

Thanks, I'll ask for a Third Party Mandate form when I go to the branch and will get her to sign it this weekend.

What you had to deal with sounds horrific, all power to you for getting it done.