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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
Somethinginthecordelias · 12/01/2017 21:03

Flowers for pickle and Edd.

We got a bit of good news today, MIL is likely to be transferred to a rehab centre because they agree she's not ready for full discharge. Quite relieved, there's no way she could manage her own house and even if she'd come to stay with us it would have been a struggle (mostly the fact our only bathroom is upstairs) so this is definitely better for all of us.

Somethinginthecordelias · 12/01/2017 21:03

My name change went a bit wrong there! It was cordelias :)

Tarrarra · 12/01/2017 23:52

Hi all. Not a good day here, after a couple of good months dm had a massive stroke today and is in the stroke unit. Not sure what the prognosis is and hoping for the best, but she also has a chest infection so isn't in a great condition. Not very responsive and I am doubtful she has the strength to improve. Shit. Will find out more tomorrow when the consultant has been... Am just home because I need to sleep. There's nothing I can do there now...

VintagePerfumista · 13/01/2017 06:19

Flowers Tarrarra. Hope you managed to get some rest and today brings something better.

thesandwich · 13/01/2017 07:32

So sorry tarrara. Hope today's news is better.

picklemepopcorn · 13/01/2017 08:02

WineBrewCakeFlowers for everyone- help yourself to what works for you! Sorry about your mum, Tarara. Hope you got some sleep.

So, DF has a one in four chance of making it to the end of the year. No chance of making it to 18months. He is planning some quite long term things, changing rooms and furniture round in the house. DM is after new carpet. They want to reconfigure the wardrobe with a sliding door so they can move the tv off the chest of drawers and into the wardrobe. Lots of upheaval, and all stuff that would be unnecessary if DM chooses to move. And also, even if she doesn't she might well prefer different things. It's also taking away some energy and attention from things like POA and tax returns and teaching my mother how to access a cash point.

I'm finding it difficult to know how to respond. I want to facilitate whatever he wants, but also want them to concentrate on more crucial things.
We haven't talked about his diagnosis. He only refers to it obliquely. I'm not sure he really accepts it, as he feels well in himself. I dunno.

Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 10:56

Tarrara, sorry to hear that. Hope today is better.

Pickle, I can't get my folks to focus on important stuff either. They prefer to live in denial till stuff goes wrong.

Badders123 · 13/01/2017 11:57

Sorry to hear that tarrarra 💐
I think losing dad in such a quick and unexpected way and then her becoming ill and quite frail focussed mums mind actually....we talked about it and I told her I did not want to be sole executor like I was for dad (so hard) but I agreed to be PoA as she doesn't really trust anyone else.
She has also told me she has an insurance policy for her funeral (!) and that she wants the "same as dad" - by that she means church service, then crem.
I will do my best for her. As we all do.
💐 For everyone

Tarrarra · 13/01/2017 16:10

Noone really prepares you for the day when you are caring for a parent or parents do they. While they are alive and frail you do your best and get frustrated with it all, but I am so grateful to have been able to care for her the last year.

Pickle Flowers I think that distraction and denial is a phase that terminally ill people go through. I remember my df focusing on lots of seemingly irrelevant things, but they made him happy and were a good way of keeping his mind busy; just go with it. this last year dm has been shopping for England, mainly for us and I think it was her way of making sure we were ok for things when she does go.

Shes critical. The consultant has said that she will either improve or not and is just giving her a maintenance dose of iv fluids. There are so many complications that it just seems unlikely that she will pull through, though if she does she will be severely disabled... not good either way.

Love to you all and stay strong... xxxxxx

Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 16:46

Tarrarra, may I offer an un mumsnetty hug to you and your mum Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 13/01/2017 20:56

Thankyou Tarrarra. I hope things happen smoothly, whatever may be.

Tarrarra · 13/01/2017 23:47

They're no longer offering iv fluid. The damage is so severe that we are now just making her comfortable. I've been here since 6pm when they turned off her oxygen. I'm really tired but not sleepy. It's so hot in here too. Dsis is asleep, db gone home for a kip so is just me awake and just waiting. Could be minutes hours or days.. It finally hit me that my best friend isn't going to be here for much longer and I cant bear it. My heart is literally breaking and I am trying to sob quietly to not wake up dsis. I keep trying to focus on mum, swizzle stick mouth wipe, keeping her head cool and thinking of practical things.

ZaZathecat · 14/01/2017 00:21

I'm so sorry Tarrarra. I don't know what I can say but I'm thinking of you.

Needmoresleep · 14/01/2017 01:14

Oh Tarrarra. Nothing to say except I hope it is peaceful.

Tarrarra · 14/01/2017 01:22

Still here, just had a nap on the floor, but don't think for long. No visitor beds on the ward, we have two upright chairs and a couple of pillows. Will be buying roll mats for tomorrow if we are still here...

picklemepopcorn · 14/01/2017 06:40

Ah Tarrarra. Flowers

How wonderful that you and your mum have had such a good relationship, and your DB and DSis are close at hand. Hopefully you can take some comfort from that.

thesandwich · 14/01/2017 09:10

Tarrara thinking of youFlowers

notaflyingmonkey · 14/01/2017 09:16

Tarrara Flowers try to take care of yourself in all of this - you need your strength, so make sure you eat some proper food, and get out for a breath of air at some points in the day.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 14/01/2017 10:37

Hope it's all still peaceful tarrara. My mum was in a semi-coma for threee days before she died - we took turns to be there overnight and when I was there I sang the songs she'd sung to us when we were little. I don't know if she could hear at that point but I like to think it brought her a bit of comfort. Thinking of you

whataboutbob · 14/01/2017 15:04

Thinking of you tarrara I was there 2 weeks ago, it's exhausting and you wonder how much more you can take. I can say for sure though that in the fullness of time you will gain comfort from the fact that you were there.

Tarrarra · 14/01/2017 22:12

She slipped away peacefully earlier this evening. I had popped back home for a break and was just going back in armed with a sleeping bag and a roll mat to get a text to tell me to hurry. I arrived just as she had taken her last breath. I know from past experience that time will heal the heartbreak but I just feel so utterly and desperately alone now. I don't even know where to start with all the sorting out death stuff. I have valium (thanks Mum) and I think I may need it tonight.

Lorelei76 · 14/01/2017 22:39

Tarrara I'm so sorry for your loss
I'll be up for a while if you want to keep posting
Are your siblings with you?
Hugs xxxx

whataboutbob · 14/01/2017 23:12

You must be exhausted. Try and get some rest. Don't make any decisions in the next couple of days. My dad died two weeks e and I've just started doing a little paperwork.

Tarrarra · 14/01/2017 23:14

Thanks Loralei. We all came back to mine to tell the older grandkids together but then everyone has gone back to their own places. My dc are fab, but they are hurting too. We will be back together tomorrow. I'm completely drained so I am hopeful I will sleep soon.

EddSimcox · 14/01/2017 23:16

tarrarra I'm so sorry Flowers I know it's doesn't really help, but know that we are thinking of you.

pickle thinking of you too, I understand the frustration. When we were looking at houses recently with DM and DF, they would look at things like the types of trees in the garden and tiny patches of damp. I just wanted them to focus on size, layout and location but no, it was all about irrelevancies. Now we have to start the whole thing again!