Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Oh Edd! It's wearing, isn't it. I dread getting that way myself, I can just imagine all the things I'd say which at the moment I know not to! I'm one of those people with a judgemental voice running in my head all the time- if it escaped and made itself audible that would be a disaster!

Vintage no she definitely would not have gone willingly. She went directly from hospital after a long stay when SS realised she was totally incapable of living alone.

Hello everyone I'm having "trouble" with my DM who came out of hospital a week ago following a 5 week stay after falling down the stairs. She's refusing offers of help - enabled by my notsoD brother who is leaving first thing tomorrow. I manage to shower and wash her hair last week. She's going up and down the stairs on her own despite being told not to - she's got a head injury team coming in daily to give physio etc. She gets my dad and brother to be her flying monkeys whilst she pretends to be asleep. Not quite sure what to do really - walking away seems very harsh and completely against the grains, but I'm not sure what else I can do.

penny hmm. Does your dad live with her? Does he want help or support from you? Does she have (mental) capacity to make her own decisions/ choices?

Hi yes dad lives with her, he's a pretty sprightly 91, but neither think logically any more, they prefer denial. He needs someone to do his washing and cleaning, but will support his wife over his daughter. His life's easier that way. He said earlier that he thinks they will be OK with the head team visits. Completely missing the point that her day to day needs of personal hygiene and taking her meds are not their responsibility. No I don't think she does have capacity at the moment, but she would deny that I would expect. Her thought processes and speech are very slow and she can't remember much.

It's very hard. You can't make people wash. Is the consequence of not takings meds immediate and disastrous? Or just unwise? (Obv depends what they are for). I think autonomy is really important, but obviously not when someone is incapable... Let us know how things go.

PP, could you somehow intercept the head team and get them to tell her/him they have arranged for more help to come in - at least with washing her, etc. And meanwhile get carers organised to come in and do it?

That is a good cunning and clever plan BTM. penny will it work?

The sun is shining. I walked round the garden this morning. Dog and DC back at home, so nothing to cheer it up. So sad to see clearly what it's all become, and to be saying goodbye. Understanding how DM feels. Two days to go and now I'm weepy too.

Was it your childhood home Edd?

I felt so relieved to be clearing DMs, but it was also exhausting - it was only my home for 4 or 5 years before I left to go to uni, so not such a huge emotional attachment.

No, not my childhood home. I was in my mid-20s by the time they moved here. But I have many happy memories of summer weekends here with my DC, as babies, and toddlers, and tweens, and Christmases and you know, just life. And it will always be the last place that my DM was 'normal'.

Edd

Elderly parents and snow. Argh. I cant get there if it snows either. Their road is never cleared so they can get stuck for days.

Mum very ill so dad needs support at the weekend but if I can't get there...meh.

edd
Hoping we don't get any snow - mine and mums roads don't get gritted so once it snows she is housebound and I have to walk everywhere
I'm trying to convince dh to go to the dr re his sleep apnoea (I'm sure he has it!)
I've recorded the noises he makes last night so hoping that convinces

May I join in? I'd love some advice.

My mother will be 80 this year and I realised a few years ago that she had narcissistic tendencies and had been emotionally abusive to me all my life. I've done well in that I have managed to dial down contact considerably (although I'm still reeling from the three days she spent with us over Christmas).

My dad died when I was in my early twenties, I'm an only child and she lives in a totally unsuitable house (think very steep stone steps up to the front door) an hour and a half away from me. I'd encourage her to move except a) if it's my idea she'll never do it and b) I'm not even really sure I want her to be closer to me anyway!

She's talking about giving me Power of Attorney and the fear has set in a bit. What does a PoA legally oblige me to do? Is it something that she can further manipulate and control me with? I realise that it can also be helpful for me to have PoA as she ages, but I'm terrified about having to get more deeply involved in her life again just as I was starting to feel a bit more free.

I have POA for my mum - both for health and financial issues
It's basically a legal document which means I can make decisions on her behalf if she ever becomes incapable
It doesn't mean you have to see her more, or be more involved than you want to be but as an only child I guess that it would be down to you anyway?

Yes, it would be down to me. Not something I'm looking forward to. Good to know the PoA is more likely to be helpful than not, though. Thank you.

Looks like we might be moving in snow. Bloody great. Just what we need. FFS!!

Thanks Badders and ZaZa

Oh edd! What a nightmare!
Imo a POA will benefit you in dealing with your mother once capacity has gone (if it does)

[floweers] For Edd.

Closing down the old house with all the memories is hard.

obvs!

Thanks obi

Rubber, it will benefit you I think.

Edd, I feel for you.

Argh! Staying with parents. DM keeps correcting DFs speech. He's not good with he/she any more, and every time he says it she corrects him..."he" "he" "she". Poor bloke can barely manage a sentence and he keeps losing his thread. We've explained how tesco triple top up works for the fiftieth time. She still thinks she's being conned. She argues everything, won't just let it wash over her, has to be in control, even if she hasn't got a clue what is what! He's the one with terminal brain cancer, she's the one that's hard work. Bloody bloody bloody hell.

pkl or if you are one for then plenty of that

Awful day here too. Only consolation is just one more night and this phase is done.