Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Tarrara I am so very sorry. Your heart must be breaking. Take things really slowly and let others help- we have found funeral directors to be excellent and supportive so let them help you. And many of us gave been through or are going through all the sorting out now so ask away. You may feel it but you are not alone.

Tarrara, so sorry for your loss Take your time.

I'm sorry Tarrarra.

I'm so sorry Tarrara, even though you know it's going to happen it's still a shock when it does. Be nice to yourself

Things are going downhill in some respects with my dad and plateauing in others. He's very depressed, constantly saying he wants to die (and by constantly I mean it's the only thing he can talk about), barely eating and spending most of the day lying on his bed. He's got carers coming four times a day but he hates feeling rushed in the morning (they're only there for 45 minutes then) and being put to bed at 7pm so he quite often sends them away. And to make things worse his beloved cat died at the weekend.

He's been started on antidepressants by the GP (who's doubtful they'll work), is waiting on a memory clinic appointment and has been seen by a very brisk OT who wants to 'fix' things by sending in a befriender .

Everyone who's seen him agrees that he's not dying, nowhere close, so somehow we need to help him find some way of coping with a life which has lost all its pleasure, meaning and purpose - but how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? He says he won't activate his alarm if (when) he falls again as he doesn't want to be taken back into hospital and is quite happy with the prospect of lying on the floor for hours as "that might help me die quicker".

He's refusing to consider live-in care or a residential home and as he still has capacity according to the social worker, no-one can insist he accepts help. We're all feeling constantly on edge waiting for the next crisis which we know is going to come, and wondering how long we can all keep going like this

I came here for a rant today but I've just seen tarrara's news.

So sorry

Tarrara 💐

So sorry Tarrarra

I'm so sorry I held off but I can't anymore...

I'm so angry at myself I suck at this. I can't seem to get the balance right at all I've spent a fortune getting too and from the hospital (parking charges) I now can't afford to get dds new uniform she desperately needs, I'm getting it in the neck from dp cos I'm never home and "she's not my problem" I haven't cooked jy kids a meal in 2 weeks and dp has had to do it all and to top it all off I'm not even sure I'm helping by visiting her in hospital cos she seems to want to pin me to exact times which I can't do and she gets anxious I'm not coming if I leave it til after lunch...

Plus I don't think know she understands the structure of the staffing cos she's assuming all the staff are nurses but most of the ones she sees aren't and they are not able to tell her anything and she can't understand their accents anyway so she's getting anxious

How do I balance this out cos I'm making a right mess of it.

Sorry name change fail.

Ah Giles, that's awful. So sorry. How long will this stay last, do you think?

Can you ask DP what he thinks is reasonable, then up it a bit and do that? Could you request a visiting service for the days you don't go? Could he drop you off so you don't need to pay parking?

Practically speaking, can you batch cook? I've just filled my parents freezer with meals, and it took no time at all to cook the food, as it just sat in the slow cooker. Will save loads of time later.

Maybe someone else will have negotiated a better result. All I can say is that in my experience whatever I do is never enough. Now I decide what I think is right and go with that. 

Well I'm. Just leaving the hospital now. Apparently there's talk of a discharge plan so I'll call tomorrow and find out. So sick of no one at that place telling me anything and then suddenly turfing her out when I've had no chance to organise anything. She tells them to call me but they never do

She can't go home now end of so it's finding her a home now. I've told her once I've spoken to the person I got told to speak to ill have to get someone in to see her and get her to sign shit. I'll go through the age UK and the other number they have given me up thread I've been trying all week to find stuff out bit out think I was asking for winning lottery numbers

I usually do do slow cooker stuff however I've been going from school to hospital then out at work in evening so not home at a time where I can set it all up. Although I'm. Prepping a stew tonight to do tomorrow and Tuesday...

Giles that all sounds so stressful. You can't be everything to everyone - maybe you need to step back a bit from the hospital visits if you can? Pickle has some good advice. You need time to be at home too - am I right in thinking this is not a relation? Is there any way you could get the family to step up at least a bit?

Noitsnot, so very difficult. DM used to say that a lot. She still says it but less now she is on Sertraline, but she had most very definitely lost capacity a year ago and so the GP got SS involved, hence how she is in a Nursing Home now. It's a terrible situation that people (us in the future) have no say when they have had enough

There's no family as far as I'm aware. Another thing I stresse about tbh because if there is somewhere out there then what if they become angry at me for not telling them or helping her sell the house etc

It will be easier when she's in a home as she will have other people to talk to and stuff and I can step back a bit then visit a bit less as she won't be sitting around waiting fir me

I'm no expert on this, but surely SS should be involved with an elderly with no known family. They got involved with DM because I am 200 miles away and got her into a suitable home PDQ. Are they expecting you to do all that or is someone on the case for her?

It's possible they are doing it so I could well be worrying Over nothing I'll know more tomorrow I hope.

They said something to her the other day I think but she told them she was going to run it past me first so I'm really hoping it hasn't thrown a spanner in the works or lost her the space or whatever

The problem is, that if SS thinks someone else is willing to take responsibility, then they will pass it to them (you) You need to be really clear that you are just a friend(?) who wants to visit her and offer emotional support, but that you cannot take on any responsibilities for her at all.

Yes I do worry I'm. Perhaps implicated more than I would like to be.

I have explained to some of the staff that I pop in for a chat and drop off some shopping etc but that I'm not able to provide actual care.

And thankfully she has now accepted that I can't provide what she needs now (she has turned down care before as she has me around ).

That's good Giles.
I would worry that if you are too visible at the hospital, they will turn to you rather than SS which is who should really be taking the responsibility. But so lovely that you want to be such a good friend.

I have been very visible yes.. I have also had to insist with staff that they call me if they move her or she gets discharged.

Not because I want to be so involved but because there have been previous occasions where they have sent her home still in a pretty bad way or dumped her on different departments fir hours on end cos they need the bed. They have also lied about contacting me and arranging transport home so in order to ensure she at least can get home to something to eat or drink or not have to wait hours with no idea what's going on, I've had to make sure they call me.

Which up til now was fine except again now I have to worry they are expecting me to do things beyond what I was there for...

But I will have to be firm and say they will have to contact SS

I know she's not really my responsibility but I just keep thinking " what if that was my mum" made to give up her home when all she needed was someone to take her shopping and order a repeat once a month.

Trouble is as it's all so gradual it's not until someone on the outside points it out, that you realise just how much you have taken on.

Thing is she trusts me, and however much input I do or don't have from now on, I really at least want to make sure she's not ripped off or taken advantage of and that things happen. In a way she's happy with.

Giles, it's a bit different because it's my MIL but in terms of not being able to provide care DW and I found until we actually wrote down in clear terms our other responsibilities and the very limited time we'd be around they seemed to presume we would just manage.

Having it written made a massive difference - although they still perennially tried to ring the house landlines when they know we are both at work. They transferred MIL to a rehab home this weekend but I think right up until we spelled it out they were planning to discharge and expect us to somehow manage.

MIL does however hate the rehab home so far and had a massive outburst at DW when we went to visit today. But it seems a nice enough place and, though it sounds awful to say, I think anywhere she had gone wouldn't have been up to scratch and she'd be like this. It doesn't make it easier though, and I'm quite worried about how DW is coping (that sounds so patronising and I don't mean to, just can't think of a better way to phrase it) though, it's so hard to juggle everything.

Giles it sounds like you have have been going above and beyond for a long time, which is lovely of you of course, but you should make sure that you are to dumped on too. I hope SS start doing something more useful.

cordelias great you are being so supportive of your DW :) My DM has angry outbursts quite often. It's usually DF who gets it in the neck, but sometimes me. It's v hard not to take it personally, even when you know it's the disease.

So my parents have moved in. They don't have a plan other than looking at local houses. How can I get them at least to think about a retirement village/ private sheltered housing? Would it be massively out of order to call SS for an initial chat without telling them?

Edd, MIL has them pretty frequently too although this was one of the few in front of "outsiders" so to speak as well as one of the cruellest I've heard. It was quite hard for me to restrain myself from snapping back this time.

DW is actually worried it will make things harder for MIL too, now the other residents have seen her like that and it's their first real impression of her (A couple of them loudly voiced their disapproval during the awkward silence after MIL had finished) which is more stress that she really doesn't need. I'm hoping my mum will be able to come and stay for a couple of days and help a little bit with childcare while I'm working so DW can have a proper rest.

I don't think it would be out of order for you to call SS for an initial chat without them knowing. It might be useful to know exactly what type of things you/they would be looking at without instant dismissal or disapproval too and SS might have some ideas for how you can phrase it for your parents too.