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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 12/12/2016 20:44

Thanks Tilly. There ought to be a better way.
Zaza- no wisdom to add but what an awful waste of resources? The not knowing must be so hard. SendingFlowers

MirabelleTree · 12/12/2016 21:09

I'm so sorry TheSandwich and also understand why he doesn't want to go back into hospital. Hard at any time of the year but especially now.

ZaZa I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that. My friend's sister is awaiting placement having been in hospital for under a week and the hospital have been trying to persuade her family to take her home with carers when she blatantly needs to be in a CH, as the pressure on beds is very high.

ZaZathecat · 12/12/2016 23:14

I got that pressure too Mirabelle. I managed to stop them from sending her home with carers ( we'd had months of trying that unsuccessfully already), and they put her in Extra Care housing instead, where she lasted 8 days before getting dehydrated, uti and delirious. I do understand that they have to look after the funds and that places are hard to find, but I honestly knew 6 months ago she wasn't safe at home. The only thing keeping her limping along there, with the full complement of 4 carers a day, was me.

bigTillyMint · 13/12/2016 06:24

Zaza, so sorry, I missed your post. No idea re getting placed far away as DM just got placed where she lives and where there are a multitude of care/nursing homes to choose from. I am guessing that the further out of London you go, the more choice there is?

MirabelleTree · 13/12/2016 06:54

You've done an excellent job, hang in there ZaZa. Sadly more choice isn't the case here as we have a high population of elderly and friend's family were trying fior some time to arrange a respite stay before things got to crisis point. The lack of beds meant that didn't happen and even getting her admitted was hard work and took hours after the paramedic arrived.

Needmoresleep · 13/12/2016 09:17

Extra care worked for my mother though initially it was pretty marginal. (She thought I was her sister.) However the manager insisted that my mother has a large amount of support during the first couple of months. I think for the first week we were there during much of the day to prevent her wandering off. We had a carer come in for two hours to take her to the local shops to help her find her bearings, and at the first sign that she was disorientated (the sister bit) the manager told me to take her straight to the GP to jump on any infection. They had wanted two months of 24 hours care.

It was obviously easier as we were self funded, but the manager was clear that you could rarely tell whether it would work or not until two months had passed, and given the shock of hospital and a move, an older person needed time to adjust.

The mad thing seems to be that rather than provide transitional support at a cheaper environment like extra care, poor Zaza's mum remains in the most expensive environment of all.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 13/12/2016 09:29

It does seem mad. In some areas they have transitional care units, or community hospital placements that can be accessed.

Hugs to all struggling atm Flowers

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 13/12/2016 20:04

Needmore the Extra Care place didn't have enough resources so dm had to have 4 carers a day coming from outside which defeated the object entirely. The in house staff did their best to keep an eye on her between visits but it just wasn't enough. DM will also be self funded, but her money would only last 2-3 years in local private homes after which wed have to top up at £500-£1000 per week - impossible! For that reason I'm liaising with SS to find somewhere they would fund when her money runs out.
Thanks for the support as always CMOT and all of you.

ZaZathecat · 15/12/2016 09:46

Well, the search for a home is going well (sarcasm). SS have so far found only one possibility. It's in another borough and costs £1200 per week. They would only pay £580 per week, so after my dm's money runs out in a couple of years there would be a £680 deficit every week! I don't know how this is going to work if there are no homes that actually cost what SS pay.
I was always worried about dm having to move somewhere cheaper when her money runs out, but it looks like there won't be anywhere to move to. It's scary.

bigTillyMint · 15/12/2016 17:53

Zaza, how can that be? Surely when her money runs out they will HAVE to find somewhere? Though I guess it may be a long way away. Flowers

MirabelleTree · 15/12/2016 17:56

If you search 'top ups' on the Talking Point forums I think you might possibly find some threads that might help. Could be wrong but it rings bells re something I have read.

MirabelleTree · 15/12/2016 17:59

Not sure if this is up today's still but worth a read.

pithivier · 15/12/2016 18:03

My SIL was asked to underwrite her mum's admission to a more expensive home. In other words, she had to agree to find the difference if mum outlived her finances. She refused. There is a similar thread on here I think.

pithivier · 15/12/2016 18:04

I think it was called Third Party top-up.

thesandwich · 15/12/2016 18:05

So sorry Zaza. Flowers

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 15/12/2016 20:01

So sorry ZaZa, sandwich and all the others going through a tough time.
CHC was approved for Dad and I thought I'd found him a lovely nursing home - near my work, not too far from home and the only place I'd seen that wasn't really depressing. Sadly, they couldn't take him and I was told by the CHC team that his needs are so complex that there is only one place in the country - an hour and a half away on a good day and nowhere near anyone I know - that can take him. He moves there on Tuesday: I haven't seen it but they want him out of hospital by Christmas, so I don't really have any option.

I feel so broken. Haven't done any Christmas shopping, haven't written a single card, and I am more exhausted. I need to help him move in on Tuesday; I do have the day off but I had taken it to see DD's nativity play and I can't do both.
It will be good to get him out of hospital though - they can't cope with him and had more or less stopped looking after him altogether. Last time I managed to see him he had loads of scarring on his arms and dried blood over his pyjamas - though no record of any falls. They're telling him to sit in the chair all the time rather than letting me walk him around, and I don't think they've changed his clothes or washed him in a long time.

Doing a lot of crying in the loos at the moment. Awful to think he could be like this for years - nobody has a clue what's wrong, and nobody has a clue what will happen next except that there isn't a lot of hope of him improving.

thesandwich · 15/12/2016 20:39

Oh pigeon I am so sorry. No wonder you are exhausted. Have you seen your gp at all? Ad's can really help - as can counselling. Please put your needs up the agenda. And just tell everyone you are not doing cards. Can you take any more time off? Take whatever help is offered and be kind to yourself. You have done everything you possibly could have done. Big (()).

ZaZathecat · 15/12/2016 23:04

That's awful Pigeon, I'm so sorry. That is one of my fears: that dm ends up really far away because of the cost. I can understand why you can't concentrate on anything else. I hope, as your df's home is supposed to cater for his needs, he will get the kind of care he needs and maybe you won't have to worry so much.

ZaZathecat · 15/12/2016 23:06

That's it BTM, it could be a long way away.

ZaZathecat · 15/12/2016 23:14

Thanks for the link, Mirabelle, it's useful and I'll give it another read when I'm less tired.

Bowednotbroken · 16/12/2016 08:14

Thanks Mirabelle for your thoughts. Sandwich - that's so sad for your FIL. Zaza - that all sounds terribly worrying. Pigeon - so horrible to be moving your dad so far away. And to be so torn. Hoping for a respite for everyone soon.
There's so much publicity in the media at the moment about social care - surely surely surely something must happen as a result? I'm not holding my breath mind.

ZaZathecat · 16/12/2016 16:17

I'm currently feeling like a fraud because after all my worrying and moaning on here, today SS found a seemingly nice home for dm, which is both local and affordable - I didn't think it was possible. AND she moves in tomorrow! I'm relieved, happy but scared to death too. I expect dm will be confused and scared by the transition from hospital so I'll have to gird my loins. But hopefully this will lead to a happier life for us all soon. Fingers crossed.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 16/12/2016 17:52

Hurrah ZaZa, that is fabulous news! Fingers crossed for a smooth transition.

Not so good news here. Dads legs still aren't healed, he had a call from the diabetic clinic to tell him they wanted more bloods and urine because of his kidneys (they've been failing for a while, so I guess they have taken a turn for the worse), he had another warfarin issue, and he's been really quite confused this week. Sigh.

OP posts:
Badders123 · 16/12/2016 18:12

Great news zaza!
Sorry to hear that cmot. Your poor dad.
Things here are ok...ish.
I didn't hand my notice in, then by today wished I had!🙄
Might do it in the new year.
I'm ill...chest infection I think and I had to being littlest ds home with me from school too as he's ill.😷
Off now til 4th Jan though. Dh back from his work trip, thank god.
Car went in for mot today - needs new tyres, new exhaust and new fuel filter 😳😫
Mum is....well, I hardly dare say it, but....more positive?
She is making plans for next year holiday wise. AND she has put up some Xmas lights...the first year since dad died that she has put any decs up at all.
Pathetic, but I'm grabbing onto these things as proof she might be improving MH wise...
I haven't felt so poorly in years so I'm signing off but want to thank you all for your support and listening to me whinge and to wish you all a very happy Xmas and a more peaceful new year for all of us xxxx

ZaZathecat · 16/12/2016 19:27

Thanks both. Sorry to hear your dad's latest problems CMOT, I hope he can enjoy Christmas and that you don't have any crises to deal with and enjoy it too.
Badders, look after yourself and get well soon. Hopefully I can give a bit more support to others in the future if dm's home works out, instead of asking for it!