Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

I would not have thought six years ago that it would be possible to arrive at a place where we are all better off. Even DC who have had to muck in from time to time.

That said, I seemed to be permanently more vulnerable to stress, though getting through it means I am generally more content than I ever was. Maybe sorting out a relationship with a mother is the final step to adulthood.

I'm so glad it's worked out for you.
I've just been to a private physio and lo and behold i have major issues with my hips - damage wiser carrying and giving birth to Ds2.
Hoping my 7+ years of pain may be over.....
I have plans!
Once I'm not working...swimming twice a week, daily walks, meditation!
Marvellous 😀

Just creeping in at the back and pulling up a chair...

I've been on a rollercoaster the past 8 weeks of Dad in hospital - home - back in hospital, each time with sepsis. He's been in 3 weeks this time and they've now discovered a tumour on liver, the probable cause of his ills. Dad is 89 and, up to this summer, been fit and healthy, looking after himself well.

I'm now on the treadmill of visiting hospital daily, trying to co-ordinate social services/physios, seeing the right Dr., dealt with some very lacking in compassion nurses.

One day he's bright and planning coming home, the next he's withdrawn, not eating/drinking, unable to walk or exert himself at all.

As the only child of divorced, elderly, widowed parents, I'm finding it really hard emotionally.
I also have teenage daughter in her GCSE year who requires daily nagging!

Hope I can hold hands and draw strength and wisdom from you!

Welcome to the club Dads, we know how you feel. My dm is in hospital too and waiting for Social Services to decide her fate. Whatever it is it's going to take a long time. Every minute decision appears to take at least a week, and I'm in no doubt she'll have to wait many more weeks for a suitable place to come up. Still, the bright side is that while she's in hospital I don't get daily emergencies to deal with, or people kindly reporting her strange behaviour to me. It's horrible seeing her vegetate there though.
Your df does sound poorly. Is he mentally sound? Do you think he'll need to go into a care home?

Zaza - luckily dad is still mentally astute, a little confused at times but I think that's a mixture of being in hospital for 3+ weeks and not having his hearing aids in!

Yes, it does seem like every decision takes an age. Each department doesn't seem to talk to the another, no joining of the dots. It's so frustrating.

We don't know what the outcome of this bout will be. The tumour could send him downhill quickly or he could go home and be well again for a (long) while. No one seems to know.

Dads...
Sounds tough :(
Sorry to hear of horrid nurses...have met some myself, sadly. If they were really horrid, perhaps contacting pals could be an option!
Have they given you/your dad any idea of prognosis re tumour?
Well, I'm taking mum shopping tomorrow
Pray for me!

Good luck Badders !

Badders - how funny, I'm taking mine out shopping too. And I'll need all the prayers!! I've not seen her for a view weeks as I've been so tied up with my Dad. She's a difficult one too, onset of dementia (well, more than onset really) but won't admit it...

No prognosis for Dad, all they've said is that it's likely that a secondary illness brought on my tumour will probably "get him". So, pneumonia, sepsis again etc

Today was a better day. He's been moved from general medical ward (where they moved him to last week) and back to the geriatric floor. So much better, kinder nurses with more time and quieter. He was much happier!

I'm glad he is happier on his new ward.
The busy wards are no place for elderly ill people 😞
I am dreading tomorrow Tbh
I wish I hadn't suggested it now!
Mum has no dementia - she is just a difficult bugger 😵

Hello all. Hope the shopping trips went well and Badders hope you are feeling better.
Welcome dads too! Sorry can't comment on all the posts but just wanted to repeat the mantra that we can't change them ,only ourselves, and self care is crucial. Take care of yourselves.

It was ok. She can't walk as far as she thinks she can so we didn't stay as long as we could have
I'm off to IKEA today to get our Xmas tree!

We're both still alive after seeing each Wednesday!

After couple of good days, and starting to make tentative discharge arrangements, Dad setback today. Severe D & V, don't knowing it's just a bug or symptomatic of tumour.

And so, on we go!

Oh dear, im sorry to hear that :(
Could be noro as he is still in hospital and it's rife at this time of year

Hello everyone - sorry for the long silence. Trying to keep up with work, study, look after my ill son, visit mum and visit dad in his nursing home has taken its toll recently. I'm so very tired! Been to see Dad this afternoon and he was very agitated - it became very clear very quickly that he thought he was somewhere miles away - at a football ground I think - and he wanted me to take him home or at least to my hotel!! Really wanted to be out of there. So upsetting to have to tell him I couldn't take him away. I know the best thing to do is play along but I was stumped when he asked me directly how far I was willing to take him! And the care home - despite being a 'good' by CQC, and the staff generally being lovely, is a really horrible place. Anyway, am now at home with a cuppa and Pointless!!

Bowed that sounds so exhausting. It takes all my mental energy to deal with just my mum. I'm still waiting for SS verdict on where she needs to be. Hoping for a meeting today.

Bowed, if the staff are lovely and it has a "good" rating, why do you feel it is horrible? Genuinely interested as DM is also in a Nursing Home.

Good luck with the meeting Zaza - they take so long to be organised don't they.

Tilly - it smells. Some days it smells worse than others but it's always unpleasant to me (although I am a bit 'sensitive' to odours). There are often horrible sounds as patients (he's on the nursing wing) cry out or try to cough or just simply say the same things over and over again. The TV or the radio is always on. I've called in at all times of day and never found anyone actually doing anything with my dad beyond the basic eat / dress / toilet. That's despite an 'activities' schedule in the front lobby of the place. It's very shabby (although I'd much rather they put their money into staff not decorating or renovating!) which just adds to the feeling of gloom for me.

I've realised that my mum has actually just devolved responsibility to me - she has been very ill as you know so of course I had to do it but now that she is somewhat better she's just letting me do it all. I hope I can continue to do it without resenting her doing that.

Ah, OK. It does sound a bit sad. Good that the staff seem caring though. Is it bad enough for you to want to move him, or is he better staying in a place he has got to know?

I can't really make a huge judgement on DM's NH as I can rarely get up there, but others visit and none have ever expressed any concern.

Yes thank goodness the staff do seem caring - some of them seem lovely. But Dad does tell tales of being ignored and being locked in a dark room with no food for 24 hours, and of being 'thrown across the bed' - so who knows what happens to give him this idea? He does also tell me he's miles from home - this week he seemed to be at a football ground?! So who knows. The only alternative home in the area (that is easy enough for me to drive) felt very cold when we visited - the staff were nowhere in evidence. So it seems he's there for now at least. Glad your DMs place seems fine.

Ah Bowed, DM says weird things - has been about the food recently being not what it was but on further questioning she says it is ok to eat and they want her to eat it all up, etc. So actually it is fine and it is the Dementia talking. So don't take to heart what he says, unless you have reason to really think it might be IYSWIM!

Thank you Tilly!

Just popping in. Bowed my Mother used to say her life in careers had hit her in the face. The CH staff were stealing from her, one was jealous because the handyman fancied her and there were many other things. I is the Dementia talking and possibly an element of 'get me out of here'.

to you all.

Hello all! Nice to see you spt in disguise! Twenty ten here.
Sending good wishes to you all- here fil is declining and has said he does not want to go to hospital again so a waiting game- poor chap cannot eat,is very frail and in pain- asleep most of the time. Bil arranged a chair for him which he will probably never use. So sad.
But it is less distressing than dementia- a cruel and horrible illness. to you all .

Hi all. DM's still in hospital (I think it's about 8 weeks now, apart from 1 week in Extra Care which was a failure). SS have finished assessing her and passed her case on to a placement officer last Tuesday. This person is trying to find a suitable home with vacancies in our borough or outside if no availability. So far no luck. 2 said they couldn't accommodate her care needs, most are full, waiting on one more. How long can a person stay in hospital if there's nowhere to go? I'm afraid of her being placed far away, I'm used to being close to her and vice versa. Has anyone experience of how far a local authority might go to get someone placed?

Oh, that's sad to read, sandwich. I don't blame him not wanting to go into hospital again.

Surely we as a country need to develop some different strategies to allow people the end of life they would like and deserve.