Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Badders, make sure you look after yourself and do something nice for you xxx

I'm mainlining benylin ATM cmot and poor ds2s temp is spiking again
Sigh
Going to be a long night....

Badders, sorry you're not well - hope you and DS feel better soon. And fingers crossed for DM.

Zaza, that is really great news. She will find it hard - just expect the worst, but it should get better in the long run.

CMOT, sorry to hear your Dad's not good.

And Pigeon, sorry that you are having a hard time of it

Hello all, I've lurked on this thread for a long time but hesitated about posting because I feel I'm in a relatively lucky position - my DF (at 93) lives at home and manages reasonably well re cooking and looking after himself, while between us a neighbour and I make sure his shopping is all done and he eats properly etc. (I live a long distance away but make very regular trips and do his food shopping).

DF does have some significant medical conditions though, and is housebound. His GP's surgery recently started trialling different ways of dispensing repeat prescriptions and I set up online access so I could order his medication for him - he can't use a computer and can't get to the surgery to hand in the paper request that was the only alternative way they (stupidly) offered to their elderly patients.

He's now got himself very worried because he's had a letter from the pharmacist at the surgery saying they note he's on 'a lot of medications' and can he make an appointment to come in and discuss this (he would need me to take him). TBH I feel a bit WTF too because obviously all his medication has been prescribed and is regularly reviewed - by his GP at that very surgery! - so I'm not sure what they hope to achieve here. There really isn't anything he doesn't need to take because he does have some very serious medical issues. Which surely they should know from his records!

Sorry for the loooong post. But is there anyone out there who can advise?

Hi Christmas, we've found the pharmacy reviews to be very helpful tbh. The pharmacists are better at thinking about how all the medication goes together, that taking things at different times might make the overall levels better and so on. My parents are both on lots of medication, and have dosset boxes to ensure everything is taken at the right time which is very helpful too

Thanks for replying so quickly, CMOT. That's good to hear. It's worrying for me because I feel so responsible for him. In fact DF is very on the ball with all his medications - far better than I'd be, I suspect! - and never gets them confused.

I'm just a bit concerned at the way they phrased it, that he's on 'a lot of medication'. He's under the care of two separate specialist teams for two of his conditions, and also sees the GP. While the two teams don't prescribe for him, all those medical professionals are completely aware of his medications and I feel they wouldn't be keeping him on them if they could safely drop any of them, iyswim!

Hi Christmas, there always seems to be something new to worry about when you have elderly parents doesn't there? I agree with CMOT though, that the pharmacist review might be helpful (though they could have worded the letter more tactfully!). My dm was on a lot of medication prescribed over the years by GPs, but after spending 4 weeks in hospital (bed-blocking - maybe you read my story...) she's now been reduced down to only 4 tablets a day as the hospital decided some were no longer relevant, or the thinking on various drugs has changed over the years. Also some of them lower blood pressure which can add to the risk of falls. DM's health has improved considerably over these weeks in hospital so I think they have got something right. There I go talking about me again!
So basically Christmas, I meant to say this review may turn out to be a good thing.

Thank you ZaZa. I'm going to ring them tomorrow and have an initial chat anyway, then try and plan to get him in to see them later in the week. Very sorry to hear about the bed-blocking problem. It's a nightmare and must have been so worrying for you. I do hope your Dm settles well into the new home.

for all who are coping so valiantly.

pigeon I do not post on this thread as I have 2 elderly parents crawling towards major problems but not quite at crisis yet. Totally get the anguish of being pulled in two directions - both your Dad and your DD need you on Tuesday. The guilt is my constant struggle - but sometimes I force myself to believe it is better to meet the needs of children and accept that the move for your Dad will be traumatic come what may. Is there anyone at all you could ask to help - a family friend or neighbour even? It may really be easier for someone who does not know him to take a pragmatic approach and get the job done. If not maybe you can get someone special to go to see DD and a copy of someone's video of the performance to enjoy at home together. I realise that is not a real a solution - not to see the real performance is so disappointing for you both.

Hi.

I've lurked on these threads for a couple of years if I'm honest, but have never felt that I could start posting. I guess the time has come that I need to though.

I live abroad, am an only child, and my Mum who is 73 has quite advanced dementia/Alzheimers. She is still at home, but only thanks to my cousin who is her carer and takes meals in, and the lovely neighbour who goes in and helps her with clothes.washing and household chores.

I am flying to the UK tomorrow for Christmas with dd 13. I don't want to go. I hate myself for it, but I just want to do the ostrich thing. We were there for 3 weeks over the summer, and though it was OK, it was quite upsetting for dd, especially when the hallucinations and gobbledegook start up.

My cousin is a rock-he has POA thank God.

I was wondering how I am supposed to behave during the moments when Mum is convinced her own Mum still lives up the road, or that there is a circus at the end of the garden (the latest one) Do I agree? Or tell her the truth?

We will be having her sister (78, chronically ill with diabetes and stone deaf) on Christmas Day.

My cousin has been mooting the idea of trying to get Mum into residential care sooner rather than later, and I think we will all sleep easier once that's done. At the moment though, although he has taken her a few times to one which we really really like the look of, just for the day, and to have her haircut, there's no way she will go willingly- she still has that much self-awareness to know what the place is I guess.

Anyway, here I am. I think I will be around for a while.

I read your posts and am in awe of your stoic-ness and bravery all of you. I need some of that now, because I want to run away.

I was going to n/c for this, then followed the lovely CMOT on a nice thread yesterday and thought a first grown up step would be to own it.

Hello all- welcome Christmas, vintage and Sitoff. Sorry you are here. Rant away and ask what you need. On the dementia one- agree with whatever they say- circus, people- divert/ distract if they get upset.
Zaza- hope things have gone well with the move. Fingers crossed. You deserve a break
Badders- look after yourself and put your health up the agenda. Glad your DM is showing glimmers of optimism.... take care.
Here fil is still with us just...... not sure how long for though. Sleepy most of the time and not eating.
DM on the other hand is doing ok.... I have a pic of her sitting on santa's knee at our local garden centre!! Not bad for 91!

sitoff 'The guilt is my constant struggle' is exactly my life.

I can definitely relate to not wanting to be there. I used to really look forward to going to my parents, and now I'm putting off having to go there

Dad is really not himself. Today he accused me of not having spoken to him for over a week. We have spoken 5 times in that week. And he keeps on is everything is OK, is DH upset with him, and repeating the same conversations. I fear I'll have to speak to his medical team after christmas

Ah yes.
The guilt.
I am ill atm and have not been to see mum since friday.
I am going to try tomorrow but tbh I find her so draining to be around. It's bad enough when I feel.ok.
Cmot..sorry about your dad. Why are the pharmacists broken up already!?
When i looked after people with dementia I found it better for them if I went along with what they were saying...it makes them far more distressed if loved ones correct them or contradict them - easier said than done i know!

I agree, going along with the stories, causes too much upset if you say the truth, especially when they think the person is still alive when they actually aren't.
My visits to my mother are becoming further and further apart, I feel guilty about this, she is in a care home. I feel if I never visited again, then that would be ok.
I feel I grieved when the dementia made her not be able to look after herself, grieved again when I cleared the house, now I'm waiting for the final stage.
I visited the other day, some of the other residence were wandering around. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, but it's like the walking dead.
Other's staring, commenting, thinking I can't hear what they're saying.
This has been going on for years, I'm sick of it, I've had enough.

They don't call it the long goodbye for Nothing 😞

Oh Vintage, I totally get the not wanting to go at Christmas (felt exactly the same about DM who is 200+ miles away) and the guilt. Are you staying at her house? She will find that really difficult - we had to stay in a hotel nearby before DM went into a Nursing Home as she couldn't cope with 4 of us in the house don't blame her! Will you be able to do lots of other stuff with your DD? Christmas Day sounds like it could be gruelling

Your cousin is right, and is probably reaching the end of their ability to support her sufficiently. Could you get a doctor/other professional on board to help and talk to her about it? She probably will hate having to go into a home, but maybe it's what has to happen.

And I agree, we just go along with whatever DM talks about, although she is pretty waffly/incoherent a lot of the time.

Popping back in. Massive hugs and hand holding to everyone struggling through, especially this time of year when time is precious and were stressed enough anyway!

My DF (89) is out of hospital after 8 weeks, carer coming in once a day in mornings. This is in place for 42 days but they've said they will withdraw sooner as he's "doing so well". On one hand I'm of course happy he is managing to cope but on the other, he's still very frail and unsteady. Typical of that generation, he's telling them I'm fine, I can manage, don't worry about me...

GP called in yesterday and was fantastic. Talked about ' end of life' plan and as he doesn't want to go back in hospital, how things will be managed at home. So all in place, and put away.

Feel like I'm being pulled in all directions and everyone wants a piece of me! Can only do what I can do. And then drink wine!!

Hang in there lovely ladies

My visit to my mum yesterday was only 30 minutes. She was in a good mood, but on a 10 minute repeat. I could not face telling her a fourth time how my husband and children were, and how I had seen my Godmother. Within 10 minutes of me leaving she will have forgotten I was ever there.

I stay away at Christmas because quite a lot happens both in her sheltered housing and within the parish. I see this as a chance for her to be supported by the community, and I would not like her to miss anything. I can visit another time.

When my mother was receiving convalescent care there was an old lady whose sister had bought her two weeks respite in the same (nice) care home. This was effectively a holiday and a chance for someone on their own to have a rest and company. She clearly enjoyed the various Christmas and New Year activities, so I thought it was a lovely idea.

I hope everyone has a good Christmas, all things considered. Its our first without children. I'm not thinking about the poor skiers who are about to have their Christmas lunch cooked by my 18 year old Christmas is a time for children as well as the elderly, and these are the memories you will cherish. Its important to the get the balance right.

Oh gosh dads, how can they be planning to leave him to it when the GP is talking about an end of life plan?

NMS - thinking of those skieurs having their Christmas lunch cooked by an 18yo having paid a fortune for the pleasure

I know Tilly it's crazy. I think that as and when the time comes, I will have to rely on Macmillan or the local hospice for care/support rather than the local council. If we had the money, I'd pay for carers permanently but alas, we're not in that position. Perhaps I'll buy a lottery ticket!

Hello - can I come in and vent in a safe space? My elderly (90+) father has been in hospital for the last three weeks following two falls in two days. The falls weren't a surprise to us as we had the feeling he was heading for a crisis as he'd been very low for a couple of weeks beforehand. Initially the doctors at A&E thought he'd had a heart attack (he'd had a pacemaker fitted earlier in the year after episodes of bradycardia) but it turns out he's just very frail.

He's been living on his own since my mum died three years ago and has been getting increasingly vulnerable although he's basically pretty healthy. He's housebound and can normally shuffle around very slowly with a frame. He refuses to have carers in and so far we've managed with a hotchpotch of a cleaner coming in 3 times a week, neighbours and family friends popping in and me and my sisters doing a day each bit that's not going to be enough now. He's profoundly deaf and is starting to get confused, he's barely eating and is very depressed. He says he wants to die and I can understand why - he has nothing to look forward to other than a slow, inexorable further decline. He no longer reads (not enough concentration), can't hear the radio, won't watch to as he hates trying to follow the subtitles. He used to do endless crosswords but even that's too much for him now. We can only have conversations with him by writing everything down on a whiteboard - he has hearing aids but they make minimal difference. He's had enough but his body won't give up - his heart, lungs, nervous system etc are all fine. We're all so worn out by this and are finding the situation depressing in the extreme. The hospital are talking about discharging him on Friday so we have no idea how we're going to cope at Christmas (and selfishly I just wanted to have one day when I could concentrate on my children without worrying about my dad ). There is no point to this post as it's not going to get better but just wanted to let it out ...

Vent away! There is no judging here.

In case it helps, I was there four years ago with a mother who was less frail but with a poor memory. The hospital changed their minds on abut the same date and said they would not be sending her to "rehab" as originally decided, but would discharge her home on Christmas Eve to a completely empty block, family 100 miles away and with a newly broken wrist and hip.

Four years ago I was ready to abandon the family and spend Christmas and New Year as a full time live in carer. However luckily there was a some "rainy day" money and a good nursing home with a space willing to offer short term convalescence. As far as my mother knew it was simply an extension of her hospital stay. She actually enjoyed being looked after, and benefited from the good food and nursing support. We got the priest to persuade her to sign the POA, and she then did not object to moving to sheltered housing "till she felt better". We rented her flat for an initial six months but since then she has admitted how lonely she was and I don't think would move back even if she could.

I have just stumbled across this thread and wondered if there is room for a newcomer? I'm having some elderly parent stress.