Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Thank you all, so sorry to moan on s bank holiday. This came from the old main carer who had left but went back in today:
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From Gift:

20:39
I just came to visited Mum before you.
She now in other world
let she rest and go slowly

20:39 I told all her staff put on nice melody of music and hold her hand as much as they can.

Do you think that means she's unconcious and she means for them to stop trying to feed her ? I am finding the distance and culture difference hard

DD is going to Finland for a year to learn Finnish and will be doing Japanese A level via Skype (then sitting exam here next summer) also will be doing TEFL.

Oh dear SPT so sorry. I would take it to mean she is no longer responsive but has not passed away yet. So difficult at a distance and with the language and cultural barrier. I think it does sound like they are taking a step back from their very active care approach. Thinking of you xxx

Thanks Bob, that's what I thought. I'm the sort of person who needs to know.

I hope that with them holding her hand and listening to music things will be peaceful SPT.

Where in Finland is DD going? I love the Finnish, and go to Helsinki lots and have been elsewhere as well

Thanks CMOT. She's going to be just outside Helsinki. We're planning to go over there at Easter all being well. She's going to be there for their fires on the lake thing near the end of June and I'm rather jealous as saw it on the Hairy Bikers! I'd like to do a bit of a driving holiday there at some point.

Oh, fabulous! The whole midsummer celebration is great - I remember them all getting very excited that ds was due on midsummer (though he couldn't wait that long in the end)

SugarPlum I agree, it does sound like she's semi-conscious. It sounds like this carer wants the best for her

And your DDs trip sounds fabulous - would love to visit the northern countries.

Bit of a nightmare with the morphine. It i slow release in capsule and was being mixed into water therefore negating the slow release action. Been sorted now, might be she has to be admitted at end if morphine can't be got into her any other wa but hopefully not.

DD has just done a video of her and DS to send over. Sat down to watch only to find she's set it to music from last Christmas John Lewis ad at which point I dissolved and had to leave the room.

Everyone set in Thailand, they had a meeting.. Oz nurse has put an end to food and water, just damp sponge . Brother will be meeting police at University Hospital as there will have to be an autopsy as with all foreigners who die outside a hospital .

I desperately need DD to finish her BTEC so hopefully she is doing that tonight bit will see. I know as soon as she knows how close we are to the end she'll crumple and she is so so close to finishing the bloody BTEC. I then need to pick her up and get her into second maths paper on 9th.

As suspected she isn't concious and she keeps stopping breathing so very close now. Kids are having a day out with DD's boyfriend to tomorrow and I would like them to have that as last time they'll all be together until Christmas and a bit of an adventure for DS. I've just started the Good Wife and will be main lining that for next couple of days. Don't think I can face a 4 hour round trip on Saturday to do PIL ashes.

Oh SPT you poor thing, so many stresses.

SPT so sorry- the waiting and willing the DC to get through what they need to do is so hard. Be kind to yourself. Box set sounds a great plan

Thank you. DH is being great and off work all week, he's just been to chippy .DD is working and will hopefully be finishing tonight. Thank goodness for her lovely boyfriend.

I've asked not to know between 8pm and 8am So glad I have lots of support and feel sorry for my Brother doing it on his own. If I hear nothing tomorrow morning I'm off to walk dog and then the children will be out when I get back so quiet day.

Thinking of you SPT. For what it's worth in the UK a syringe driver would be used to release controlled doses of morphine when a person has difficulty swallowing. I'm sure that's available in Thailand, the question I guess is whether the home uses them.

Og SugarPlum, thinking of you. What a stressful time

Been to see DM today - she is not happy, wishes she was dead, but cheered up massively on drive around to eat out for lunch. She switches from dramatic "crying" to laughing/fine in literally a splitsecond. I feel really awful, but she wouldn't be happy anywhere and she looks really well, do don't think she's likely to get her utmost wish. The Care home/carers are lovely, but she doesn't want to engage... Must grit my teeth for tomorrow.
At least DH and I are staying at a lovely hotel and not in DMs old house.

I don't think you can administer morphine like that outside a hospital Bob, hence people sometimes having to go in at the end. There are very strict rules and her dose of morphine couldn't be increased up until the doctor signed off on it, despite having sufficient to up the dose. It is very tightly registered plus there are limited amounts available so the hospitals try and keep it in house. Brother had to wait 3 hours to see the doctor then when he finally got the paperwork could ring back through the the Home to get them to up dose .

BTM every step of this has been a nightmare so the end just following the pattern. DD has done some work so really hope she's nearly there. So sorry to hear about your visit today. My Mother was never really happy anywhere and we had the same thing of not wanting to engage. It is hard but I think they complain more when you're there, a kind of 'get me out of here'.

She's made it through the night. Her breathing is shallow and stops for about 30 seconds frequently so very close now.

Turns out the CH have never had a death there before, they usually go into hospital hence them not knowing abut the post mortem.

Brother now doesn't need to go anywhere when it happens which is good. His phone isn't working properly which is very annoying . DD so so close to finishing BTEC work now but taking DS out for prearranged day out.

SPT. And for dd to power her through finishing her BTEC

It's like watching paint dry watching her gear herself up to do work, amazing I don't have a mouth full of ulcers biting my tongue DH just dropped them at station for prearranged day out.

If we get through till 6 with no word then I won't hear till morning. Just need tomorrow morning as DD's finishing slot. There's a meal booked for 5pm tomorrow as a carrot.

SugarPlum, fingers crossed for you. Do you think you could delay telling your DD if it comes sooner?

DH and I have been discussing that. I'm feeling a little more together at the moment and think I could , probably. Depending on how I react I suppose. I could be in bed after a gallbladder attack tomorrow morning if it came to it whilst DH galvanises her into action. Bit tricky as the Boyfriend flying home on Friday and I'd like her to know whilst he's still here.

Or nurse could be wrong and we'll be sitting here in a week's time, we've had so many false alarms. But I do think it is imminent now. Thank you all for being here.

Gosh SPT, on another note, what you said about DD and watching paint dry. I have been trying to help DS1 (year 9) revise for maths exams this month. Have had to resist the temptation to yell "which bit of 2x2 do you not understand" (or similar) at him . Then he senses my irritation and keeps on making silly mistakes/ wild guesses. Then I feel ashamed at myself afterwards...

I keep as far out the way of revision as possible Bob, my deep sympathies ! DD gets cross and we fall out and DS to date just gets on with it

Hello Everyone, I dip in and out of here from time to time. I'm ashamed to say it's when I am really down, and when things seem better I go off and stick my head in the sand!
Lately I'm feeling a bit desperate. After a fall and a 2 week stay in hospital dm's dementia and mobility have both taken a turn for the worse. She's back home for the last 2 weeks with a care package plus me, as I live locally. I've been happy to visit her every day for 18 months now just to keep her spirits up, but now she can't let go of me. As soon as I'm not around she's confused and afraid and(if she manages to work the phone) telephones me 15 minutes after I've left to see if I'm coming over. The last few days have been unbearable. I know it's not her fault, it's the disease, but I feel so angry because it's like I shouldn't have a life of my own (also have teens to be there for), and at the same time so guilty knowing dm is upset and afraid just 5 minutes drive away.
Is anyone else in this position?

Sympathies Zaza. Not in the same position at all because we are 200 miles away but having been up to see DM yesterday and today, when we arrived today she had totally forgotten that we had said yesterday that we would be back today and she was confused and shouting at the carer who was trying to take her nets down to wash. She was then quite hysterically saying to us she thought she'd never see us again... I felt dreadful and really guilty but DH pointed out that even if I visited every day, she would probably be like that. Which is the position you are in.

It's crap, isn't it?

Your right Tilly it really is crap. No one I know in RL has these kind of problems so it's good to share here.
I have to go out for a while now but I really am interested in hearing other peoples' experiences so I'll come back later. Thanks for being there.

Mine isn't local to me, but dad phones me very frequently. Up to 8 times a day if he's stressed. And if I don't notice that he hasn't rung he'll get all tearful and 'I thought there was something wrong with you'. Its suffocating tbh - and not even like he wants to hear about us.