Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Hi Kenworthington we had similar when Mum went under the palliative care team last year - choices of hospital v home, DNAR etc. I'm fortunate that despite the illness Mum is still very much "with it" so we discussed it together. We've also recently planned her funeral which I must admit rates up there with discussing DNAR has in some ways been a relief.
What I mean to say is that just because the questions are being asked doesn't necessarily mean the worst.
Hope everyone is doing as well as they can

What a different a dose makes.
At my sister's request the GP has adjusted mum's meds. We have gone from mum being pretty much chair bound - one or two steps had her collapsing with exhaustion, to her being able to walk around the house again, albeit holding on to furniture.

GloriaRevolution
I noticed first with my late MIL that she seemed no longer to notice or care about dirt as she became very frail, even though she was mentally well. My mother is the same I have to wash a cup before I have a coffee.
With the LPA. We did this with mum and the angle was that it was something we didn't need now and would hopefully never need, but if something happened "like it did to X" it would save a lot of trouble in the future. Best to do it while you are well and able. Sorry if you think he is too far along the road for this.

SugarPlumTree You inspired me to enrol on a futurelearn course. It's quite heavy stuff (Propaganda and Ideology) but undoubtedly waking up a few brain cells.

That's good news Secret.

Ken, that must have been a shock - have you been able to find out why they were asking you yet?
The manager of DM's home asked me about end of life care when she moved in. I guess it's standard practice?

Great news about your Mum Secret. Glad you've found something on Futurelearn. I'm on a slight break from it at the moment as getting carried away with gardening stuff after watching Chelsea.

Great news secret. Who would have predicted?

SPT, perhaps you could sort me out a planter or hanging basket?!

My big news is that I am hoping to exchange soon on the purchase of a beach hut. Or rather my mum is about to purchase one. She is excited too, as she claims she has always wanted one. And what is better is that she then forgets so the pleasure is new each time.

My thinking is that we can use this when cafes become more difficult, and indeed during peak season when you can't count of getting a seat in a cafe. It is near a car park, and accessible by wheelchair, so though she does not need a wheelchair yet, we could keep a small foldable one there. Plus I can look for some sort of riser seat (dont know what they are called) so she can get in and out easily. It is a newer one with internal doors so can be used in winter.

And once I have purchased an BBQ it will be perfect for a MN meetup.

Ideas on lightweight foldable wheelchairs welcome. And on comfortable seats that are easy to get in and out of, suitable for outdoors. And happy to hear from anyone who would like to join me watching the sunset, midway along the south coast, glass of wine in hand. (Do I need ideas for small gas fired wine coolers?)

NMS, that sounds idyllic! I can see how it would be a pleasure time after time for your mum.

I'd go for a wheelchair like this one. I hate the ones with brakes you have to kick with your foot. The ones that fold right up are a pig to push - my grandmother was a wheelchair user from age 30 outside the house, and there wasn't a big gap between her dying and my parents using one, so I've done a lot of pushing!

To sit in, I'd go for a wheelback carver chair in teak - nice and sturdy, arms to push up on, easy to move, an easy height to stand from. Riser chairs can be a bit of a minefield as you have to remember to have your feet down before you stand. A footstool seems to prompt you to do that differently.

I love beach huts!
I have many cousins who all live in a northern seaside town. They have a family beach hut which we used to use when DC were small. Many happy memories.
Wheelchairs though. Pah. Mum bought one from Amazon similar to the one linked - it cost around £100. It's much heavier than I thought it would be. I can barely lift it into the boot although I am feeble. On top of that I find I have to stoop to push it, I'm 5'8" so not that tall. It feels flimsy in spite of the weight and I found it very hard work pushing, even though mum weighs about 9 stone.
If I was buying one now I'd go into somewhere like Eden and test drive one, resist the hard sell then buy a similar model online.
I found a bargain this morning in a charity shop, a 3 wheel walker, pretty much new for £15 .

My Hanging baskets are done but the French beans need to go in while it's warm and wet.

That is a bargain Squirrels! I chose dads walker at our fab local disability store who have a test track outside for wheelchairs/scooters, a bathroom and kitchen so you can really try things out. If I had to push a chair a lot I'd go there and try them.

I have no plants in my garden, just my lovely hens who eat them all! Their eggs are worth it though

Don't encourage me on the plant front NMS! The beach hut is a lovely idea and how brilliant is it that the forgetting is actually a positive in this situation as she gets repeated joy from hearing about it. I'll happily join you one evening, sounds highly civilised. A friend had trouble finding one to rent for the weekend recently so think there would be a market if you decide to do some rentals. Another has a share in one and offers it as an optional extra to her holiday let guests and I think that has gone down well.

We had one of those fold up ones and it did do the job reasonably well for our needs. It was weighed something like 9kg I think and after a bit of swearing on the unfolding and folding front I did get the hang of it. CMOT's idea of the teak chair is a good one. Lovely to have something positive on here to discuss.

Dementia starting to affect some local friends. One's sister has just been diagnosed but quite late so they have to go guardianship route and are now under memory clinic. Then another friend's Dad announced 'you might as well know your Mother is losing the plot' to top off her extremely bad week this week. Her DH has told her it's fine, her Mum is just stressed but I know from the stories here it is often the spouse who knows and covers and little things she has said before plus her Mum's history of falls have rung alarm bells .

Hope all the DC are coping with exam stress ok.

The beach hut sounds great, NMS. She is lucky to have such a thoughtful DD.

SugarPlum, scary how many are being affected.
DD has finished, so it is party season now!

The beach hut sounds wonderful. My DM would love that- we are so far from the sea! She does miss it and I sometimes feel I could take her to the seaside but it would be a loooong day..... So maybe not at the moment- maybe rope in dd after exams.
BTM thank heavens they're over! Dd has three to go but is pretty chilled so far. What a difference a gap year makes.

sandwich, I have forgotten - is your DD at uni? What did she do for her gap year?

Hi BTM. Dd missed her uni grades last year due to stress/ illness and crap teaching in one subject( 8 u's out of 13 who had achieved ab on all the other modules!) and has taken a year out and resitting some modules. It has been brilliant for her- her maths teacher saw her after fp1 and said she hadn't looked so well since yr10! Dd says it has been a brilliant year- she has done loads of different things and is back to my happy fun dd. With hindsight the stress of us dealing with the elderlies took a massive toll on her.

That's great to hear, sandwich

Hello everyone just checking in again. Wishing everyone, their kids and of course their oldies all the best.
As some of you know things have changed a lot for me since Dad went into a care home in January, after 2 years at home with all day carers. It was precipitated by his loss of mobility, incontinence and challenging behaviour (it took 3 to get him back up again as he would always fight carers/ family off). It's odd not being so involved anymore, the care home just gets on with things, whereas the carers understandably needed a lot of "maintenance" from me. I see my role now as supporting my brother to live on in Dad's house ( he has schizophrenia) as much as it is supporting Dad. Support has become a more philosophical concept in some ways, there's nothing practical to do, the focus is now to try and maintain/ nurture a relationship with him, even though I often am not sure he knows me anymore. He's nearly non verbal now. However he always appears pleased to see me so I will keep going.
SPT have been thinking of you and family as my Dad's bro has been a long term resident of Thailand and is now unwell, apparently with dementia too. He's in hospital in Bangkok and the report from my cousin is he's being tube fed, even though he can swallow! As you have commented previously, medicine seems quite interventionist in Thailand. My aunt is apparently flying out in a couple of days, and my cousin a bit later. He may well need to move into a facility similar to the one caring for your mother.

I'm so glad things are better for your DD Sandwich. I think sadly Grandparents being ill can have quite an effect.

Bob I'm really pleased he's pleased to see you. I do feel a bit at a loose end with my Mother situation as there is nothing I can do on a practical level, just try to support my Brother. As I was rummaging head first in the reduced section of local nursery today my phone beeped and there was a one work message 'f*' I wondered if it was about to be it but what had happened was he'd just sat down with his food in a restaurant and the carer sent pictures of her breast which he said 'looks like a war zone' . He kindly didn't forward them to me and said he's off yo get more morphine Tuesday. The carer apparently said not long now but in a picture earlier today I thought she was looking pretty ok. One day at a time.

I'm so sorry about your Uncle. I'm not in the least surprised to hear about tube feeding. How stressful for your cousin and aunt. If there's anything we can to do help with info and what we've found etc please do ask. It has been a steep learning curve but we're a lot wiser than more clued up than a year ago. Goodness, it is nearly a year now that she went.

Hi bob! Great to hear your DDad is being well looked after and seems pleased to see you. Sorry to hear about your uncle though - you and SugarPlum will have to hold hands

SugarPlum, that year has gone really quickly! Sorry to hear the news - it seems old people's health can be very confusing. Particularly at the end

DH and I are off to see DM on Tuesday. I am having some problems getting through to the home at times (automated answering system!) so I'm hoping we can sort a way round that as well as setting up Skype. And also hoping that the changes (more stuff for her to do and hopefully new resident) might have had a positive effect. It is about 14months since she was diagnosed.

Hello all. Bob- good to hear your dad is being cared for although it must be hard watching his decline. How is your db coping alone?
SPT- you must feel helpless. Is it really a year? I remember you tracking the flight......
Tilly- I hope your visit goes as well as it can do. It took fil a while to settle- and mil with dementia was agitated from the start- kept on trying to get out of the( moving) car when being taken back after an outing and once made a run for it once dh arrived back and he ended up chasing her down the road ...... She is in the right place whether she wants to be or not....
Fil's friend at the home enjoys colouring( despite being half paralysed with a stroke) - would that be an option? Would she use an iPad or similar? Word games etc.

sandwich, I had a wry laugh at the thought of DM making a run for it - she's never been one to move fast!

Thanks for the suggestions - yes, she likes colouring/painting - I bring her a new book every time I go. Technology freaks her out - that was the clincher in her wanting to go into a home I think - was becoming paranoid about all the stuff in the house like heating timer, etc. Not sure about word-games as one of her main problems is word-retrieval, but maybe a child's one might be an option. She used to knit/sew/do all sorts of arts and crafts, but I think many of them are beyond her now.

Had phone call from Brother earlier but he had to hang up and switch to text. She's deteriorated sharply last 3 days and he's going to do morphine run tomorrow then says he can't go back as can't cope with it. Nurses have said a couple of weeks. They're still at it with the food.

I need to keep myself together as really need DD to get last two projects ready to hand in on 6th plus second maths paper on 9th. As soon as my Mother goes that will be it on the work front. It's Brother's birthday on 10th and DD's flight on 18th plus builders due here on 13th.

Forgot about PIL's ashes on 4th.

Oh SPT I am sorry. It must be so tough.

SugarPlum - sounds like it's finally coming. Hope you can get through it all with your DD finishing off her studies too.

Really sorry to read this SPT. It is awful how things can be so prolonged. I hope your daughter gets everything in all right. Where is she flying to?
Sandwich, thanks for asking about bro. He gets by in a low key way, but has little practical intelligence. When there's mential illness, as with dementia, practical issues that are usually managed on an ongoing basis are neglected and then can assume an importance they wouldn t usually have. For example the garden is completely over run, he thought the lawnmower didn't work, DH kindly went there to fix it (2 hrs trip each way) , he just wasn't pressing on the handle properly and it worked fine. It will be like that with everything: the boiler, the fridge, the washing machine etc. You can't assume he can figure anything out, he has to be told everything. It's weird. It's a total common sense bypass. once he's been shown he's OK. As for his mental health he is very reluctant to discuss things eg symptoms, medication etc, but he is not as bad as he has been and is engaged with mental health and is self caring on a day to day basis. If he has a crisis again frankly I don't know what I'll do but I guess mental health services will be 1st port of call, and our MHSs are not in good shape.