Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Kwirrell , SugarPlum ,

Thank you both. I will certainly get in touch with AgeUk and have looked up the Public Guardian.

At the moment FIL doesn't have an assessment as to ongoing needs (still in hospital) but it looks, unfortunately, as if he is not regaining any cognitive powers, in fact we think he is worse after the fall in hospital than when he went in. He is still not able to walk at all even with a frame after the fall / op. It is very sad.

Dh and I are thankfully pretty fit and healthy but we decided last night to get a POA done as I would hate any child of mine to have to wrestle with all this.

Thank you both

Gloria that sounds very tough - such deterioration so quickly. And with the financial problems

I have just been to see/take DM for lunch with DD. She looks really good (had just had her hair done) but is very confused, much more unsteady and very emotional. She is mourning the life she used to have She has been on Sertraline for about 3 weeks but so far no improvement. Does anyone else know if they are likely to up it/find any other meds?

I think trying a higher dose would be the first thing BTM.

In a small win, my parents carer has been cleaning out their clothes, and letting me know what they need new (and quietly disposing of the worn out, too small, no longer appropriate). She measured mum for new bras, and the front fastening ones I got from Amazon have been a great success. Dad was sent for a beard trim and hair cut!

My PIL are having ds overnight this Saturday as I'm away for work and dh had the chance to do something he really, really wanted so he asked them outright. Ds burst into tears when told he'd be staying the night with them, but has been bribed with Pokemon Go. Really sad that at 10 this will be the first time he's spent time with them

Hello all. How are you doing? Parking the guilt I hope. All quietish here- took DM to a nat trust place with my brothers in laws- she agreed to a wheelchair so we had three of them being wheeled along! She enjoyed it- complaining about my db's chair pushing.
And result.... Our brilliant financial adviser has convinced her that POA is a good idea so...... Male of course in a suit so she listens .......
We are off on holiday to Northumberland so stocked DM up today with food. Have told errant db by text but I don't expect he'll visit......
CMOT hope the overnight goes well. Sometimes our needs do need to come first.

Thanks CMOT, that's what I thought. Great on the new clothes front, shame about the PIL.

Sandwich, great news about the POA. And wheelchairs!

Hi All, just need a little vent. My head feels like exploding with the emotional rollercoaster of caring for dm. On my daily visits I sometimes find a reasonably happy, if frustrated, dm and I go home cheerful and chatty. On the majority of days though there is either some fairly urgent problem to deal with, e.g. dm having physical problems requiring the doctor, or just dm in a very low mood where she seems self - pitying and ungrateful (I know it's the dementia but it still hurts). To be honest I prefer the problems that require real action as they don't feel like they are caused by me not doing enough/ not having dm live with me. Anyway, on those days my mood is low too and I have trouble talking to people because I can't think of anything but dm and her problems. I keep wondering how long this will go on for, which also feels wrong. I know there's no easy answer so just wanted to let some of the pressure out by writing here.

That strikes a note with so many on here. The practical stuff, all though hard, does at least produce a result. The gut wrenching anxiety when you know that there is absolutely no solution to the problem is exhausting. Sometimes it the same problem you have faced so many times before the next day a whole new set of stuff.

I described it once like trying to swim through blancmange. Vent away, you will get sympathy and practical advice second to none💐
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Hello all! Zaza- I understand totally- vent away. Solving a practical problem brings its own sense of satisfaction,but handling the negative life sucking stuff eats away at us and consumes joy. Mixed with a good helping of guilt. It is so hard not to absorb it. You are doing what you can.
Hope all is well with everyone and that camping hols etc have been good. Northumberland was stunning and restful!!
Now alongside many we await Thursday's results- waves to nms,BTM and CMOT and others..... Hope you and your dc are ready for whatever comes...

Hello everyone! No exams here except DS1's (disappointing) end of year 9 exams. We have a lot of work to do before GCSEs! Zaza it sounds very familiar I did use to find that sorting problems in Dad's home, which sometimes seemed a mammoth task as he was a hoarder, often brought the biggest satisfaction. Maybe because the rest was intangible. Only once in the whole saga of the last 8 years or so did he take my hand and say "I'm very lucky to have you". All the rest felt like a struggle and I only had my own moral compass to tell me I was doing the right thing supporting him, at a large personal cost. I think it's what nearly everyone on this board feels. Do vent away we are here to listen.

Thanks All, I can rely on you to understand. I'm looking forward to a long weekend away soon. It'll be great to leave the responsibility behind for a few days. Dbro will take over albeit from a distance and I'll have to try to leave the guilt at home.

whataboutbob that must have been so nice to hear your dad say that. I ran myself ragged for 8 years for mother and stepfather. Never once a word of gratitude or praise. Occasionally when a HCP was present and stepfather was asked how he coped he would tell them what I did. They would tell him how lucky he was. He would just nod begrudgingly.

Thanks sosidges it's true, it has sustained me in many a bleak moment. Dad is now mostly incapable of speech and seems to vaguely recognise me without quite being able to place me, so I like to remember the times he was able to say nice stuff. We always had a tricky relationship but maybe one blessing of dementia, if you can call it that, is it forced me to be patient with him and accentuate the positive. Sorry your parents couldn' t be more appreciative of all your work. Sometimes it seems elderly care must have the worst reward to effort ratio, but I think just knowing you were there has to be its own reward. Zaza enjoy your break without a backward glance, you have deserved it.

Hello all. Just checking in to say hi and hope that things are as well as they can be with the elderlies and that you are able to have some time away( parking guilt)
Things steady here with elderlies- and dd has got her place at uni( after a gap year and some resits due to illness/ stress( which was partly down to impact of the mil's dementia and death last year) so we are overjoyed.
She feels ready to go too- so..... Empty nest! Do I become a rarebit rather than a sandwich? Eek!!

Well done to your daughter Sandwich. I'm enjoying my weekend break thoroughly and am grateful for my dbros efforts to keep things on an even keel at home. Back home tomorrow and duties recommence Tuesday!

hi just needing to vent a little. DFIL is terminal and seems to be increasingly confused. Also seems to be struggling to manage the stairs - both bedrooms are upstairs and bathroom is downstairs. Before Christmas 2015 moving the bed downstairs was discussed " going to do that early in New Year" which would mean putting dining room furniture in storage - this hasn't happened yet.
Fast forward to now - FIL is due to have MRI scan on Tuesday - he hates these and gets incredibly stressed - last time had to be sedated. DH isn't sure why MRI is being done and both he and SIL think it is pointless. MIL is insistent as she wants to know prognosis so she can "plan alterations to house" WTAF
DH is furious and has spent today avoiding phoning MIL. SIL will not confront MIL so poor FIL will have a scan he doesn't want and which will tell us nothing we don't already know. I could scream.
Thanks for listening.

I agree. Why on earth would they put someone who is already terminal through this. Sounds like just so your MIL can decide if he's going to last long enough to bother putting the bed downstairs.

Thanks Zaza - I think it is a delaying tactic and a way of MIL coping. I suspect she wants to be able to tell FIL that the doctors say he has to move downstairs. Sadly it doesn't need an MRI scan to know that he will have to move downstairs as he is now struggling with the stairs despite a handrail either side.
However better news today from SIL that FIL has decided not to have the scan and MIL is apparently alright with this. although rather prickly.

DH has admitted to me that he did speak to MIL on Sunday ( while I was out ) and had a falling out with her over this so now he needs to repair that a little but he is waiting until he thinks she will be less prickly . Then he will suggest getting a removal firm in to move out the dining room furniture and put it into storage - so that will be the next drama. I suspect I will be back soon !

Well done to your DD, sandwich!
My DD got decent results, and knows she needs to work harder this year if she wants to get her predicted grades. She can't decide which subject to drop, but has gone off to Reading...
2 GCSES for DS to pick up today.

readsalot - it sounds very tricky for you all dealing with your MIL and her needs/anxieties as well as a terminally ill FIL.

Zaza, that sounds terribly familiar. My DM is now on Sertraline - they have upped the dosage and she did sound a bit more positive when I last spoke to her, but even less "with-it" than before we went on holiday which is only to be expected really.

Watching the news re the husband who shot his wife in the care home sentenced to prison - we were all - having a parent with dementia who frequently tells you they wish they could die, but they have to wait until nature takes it's course

Sandwich, perhaps you should be renamed smørrebrød. And thank you for you help over the past year. Yr 13 was tough. DD got through it and has a place at Bristol to read medicine, though is deferring for a year. Best wishes to BTM and anyone else who has it still to go.

Same old same old for me. My mum now has a walker which she loves, and which is good for her as it is causing her to exercise more. Unfortunately it meant that she went out one evening, got lost and had to be rescued by the police. We had snuck away for a week, to a place with awful signal and spent most of one day either in the holiday cottage on the laptop doing my mums admin or sitting in a car park making phone calls. It was nice to get away but I wondered why I had bothered.

The (almost) empty nest will be strange. School's out forever.

Thanks nms! No idea how to pronounce the name!!😄😄 sorry to hear your break wasn't a real break. It's all the stuff that is always there- the admin,appointments etc.... Well the s sibling has arrived from nz for 5 weeks and will see his DF....... Twice....... Once hopefully at a meal for df's birthday. If Dfil is well enough- he seems to be declining and not wanting to eat. He still tries to make conversation- dd has been over on her own and she is the only visitor he remembers- still convinced he persuaded her to join the navy. Meanwhile s siblings one visit could not be recalled even though it was two days earlier.
Nms could your mum have a tracker of some sort on her walker? It must be frightening.
So we are in countdown for uni. Feels unreal but dd seems so much more ready. Shopping to do!

I am curiously relaxed. DM is lucky she is in a town with a high proportion of elderly. When she first moved to sheltered housing she was having problems with orientation. (Which we solved by employing a carer to come and take her out daily to the next door Tesco for a couple of months till she knew the route - this time for whatever reason, she decided to find Lidl! Pity as customer services at Tesco revealed they keep a list of confused elderly who are likely to forget where they live. ) I asked Social Services when they came to do an assessment. They said they were engaged with a number of people with problem's similar to my mother, but "didn't lose many", so did not seem to think I needed to do anything in particular.

Partly I think it is down to panic. She goes somewhere, gets tired, and so loses whatever orientation she had. But it has only happened three times in over three years, and this is the first time the police have picked her up. She had lost a lot of mobility, so is enjoying the freedom the walker gives her. If need be the carer can hide it and only let her use it when she is supervised. But I am hoping the memory of the panic will stay with her and thus deter her from venturing out somewhere unfamiliar.

Enjoy the University shopping. Poor DS ended up with items cleared from my mothers flat.

Thanks Tilly - I have always found MIL rather difficult and more so since I lost my own mother a few years ago. SIL has been to visit and is very appreciative of our support but is under a lot of pressure .MIL is very angry with life in general. SIL is very concerned that MIL is driving people away with her short temper. FIL is becoming quite confused and seems to be deteriorating. I just am very sad that the end of their time together seems to be filled with anger and resentment and while I have tried to reassure SIL that the relationship between MIL and DH won't be damaged beyond repair I am not entirely convinced that is the case. Also not looking forward at all to the aftermath - think MIL will be even more difficult once FIL has gone.

Reads, my mother was very angry when my father had terminal cancer. In retrospect I think it was early dementia. She was relying on him for memory whilst she was physically well. The idea of him dying had her scared and angry, and she essentially blamed him.

Partly personality. She was never wrong, so anything forgotten etc had to be someone else's fault. Plus she behaved very differently to my brother, who can do no wrong, and to me. At that point I think she was still assuming he would be the one to step in and help her. Indeed I suspect she was half hoping he would invite her to live with him.

I think a lot of people in your MILs situation are very angry at the world Reads. My dad is very angry at the world as his control on it slips away, and will do things to hide from the reality of their situation.

And often people behave worse to the ones who are closest. So the s*sibling gets the prodigal child treatment and the one there all the time gets little or no appreciation and a lot of venom.

Accepting it and not getting hurt takes a lot of practice. Worse witgh dementia because the elderly parent has forgotten when you are still to find an equilibrium.