Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Thanks all. I don't think MIL is relying on FIL for memory as he has always been really forgetful. However I think the loss of control over their loves makes FIL very frightened and emotional and MIL very angry - she does seem to blame him that her life hasn't turned out as she expected. I have always found her to be a bit short on empathy and compassion and this seems to be getting worse. She is indeed extremely prickly with SIL who is on the spot but have to say DH doesn't get let off - however he can avoid it more easily by not phoning them. I then have to gently remind him that this is unfair to SIL. My parents bickered constantly but there was genuine affection so it makes me sad that MIL and FIL are so angry and frightened and can't seem to support each other emotionally. Thanks again all - I find it difficult to share how I feel with DH as I fee quite critical of MIL.

lives not loves

Oh, feck it. Just had a call from A&E - dad has been taken in with chest pains and an infection. Paramedics didn't want to leave mum so took her too. Dad being admitted, so can I come and get mum? DH is away, I don't have a car today, and anyway ds will be home from school at 3.15 and I couldn't be there and back (even discounting what I would do with mum) in that time . And no, there isn't anyone to help.
Social services are going to deal with her, but I feel awful

Oh CMOT. There was I hoping that the fact this thread had gone quiet meant that things were going well for everyone.

You can't do everything. And there might be a silver lining, in terms of possible SS support for the next steps.

It's not good here either. I was told at the start that Aricept would probably only work for three years. DM has been on it for three and a half, and is suddenly "fragmenting" with her memory/orientation all over the place. I am hoping some of this will be dehydration caused by the warm weather, but suspect the relative stability of the last three and a half years may be coming to an end. Goes off to plonk her head firmly in the sand.....

Sorry to hear that CMOT. It's an awful situation but you can't do anything right now so don't beat yourself up. Can you find out what social services are going to do with her? It might be reassuring if you know. Maybe she can be put in a day centre or something.

They said they'd phone me with more details when dad has been moved to a ward and SS have decided what to do. They do have an emergency carers service, so it may be that - I guess depending on how long they think dad might be in as its 48 hours max.

DH just phoned between meetings, and pointed out that if I was there, SS would think I would deal with it all - which, with the best will in the world, I can't.

That's true, I guess that's the way it works. I think I have made a rod for my own back because when SS asked me things like 'who does her (dm's) washing' I said 'I do'. Probably should have just said 'no-one', because the situation is now that I'm responsible for it and all the other household chores getting done, not to mention admin, doctor and hospital appointments and so on. I'm not sure what else would be done though because she already has the maximum 4 carers a day just to keep her clean, dressed, fed etc. Maybe me doing the other stuff is the only thing keeping her out of a home.

Sorry, I started a self-centred ramble there! I hope your dad gets through it OK and your mum is taken good care of in the meantime.

So sorry CMOT- it is so tough when the complexities enmesh- but as your dh says if you were there it would all become your problem.Please don't feel guilty.
Nms- sorry to hear about your DM. We get lulled into a sense of dome stability then the word moves on. I hope she isn't too agitated.
Zaza- are you finding time for you? Sounds like you have so much on.
Here a sense of deja vu- fil is now in hospital with repeated infections and is on morphine patches for pain relief- we took him out for a family meal on his birthday last weekend which was a disaster as he was completely out of it and ate nothing,asleep a lot of the time. Poor chap.
And we take dd off to uni on Saturday - just hoping fil is stable until we get her there. He had his stroke weeks before she started high school...
and [choloclate] and to us all.

😄

Sandwich, luckily I only work part-time, so I manage and do get a bit of Me Time. Getting away is hard though even a day out and I feel guilty.

Well, all sorted for now. But only because their normal carer is so lovely and flexible, and mum is not very mobile. Dad may, or may not be going home. Certainly sounds like he has an infection as he's less with it than usual from things he'd told the SW.

Zaza - I guess it helps that I can't do these things as it would mean not spending the weekend with dh and ds, and as my dps can fund their cleaner, gardener, handyman service etc it all runs OK normally.

Sorry to hear that NMS and Sandwich. Good luck to dd as she goes off to uni Sandwich. Can't believe all my nieces and nephews have graduated now!

Thanks CMOT. Glad to hear that the crisis has been dealt with. Still causes the adrenalin rush when the crisis comes and the guilt too.

And after that adrenalin rush when there's a crisis I sometimes feel kind of let down when it's over, which is illogical as you don't want the crisis in the first place. It's not just me is it?

I know exactly what you mean ZaZa. I find I'm sort of going through all the possibilities during it, then we're back to 'normal' and no one outside our world thinks any more of it, but i'll be paying the price for weeks.

DH has returned, and bought me a kebab

I understand Zaza! Almost all revved up and nowhere to go as we know the problem isn't solved and it is only over until the next time.....
Enjoy your kebab CMOT!

Hope you enjoyed the kebab cmot!
Poor you though, i know what it's like to be confronted by your parent's seemingly unending needs, and know you can't meet them. It's a really rubbish feeling, but I'm glad SS and the usual carers have stepped up.
NMS I hope your mum rallies round. I am still slowly getting used to the idea that Dad's Alzheimers will take its horrible course, I suspect many children of affected people hope something else will intervene such as a heart attack or even cancer, God knows I have. Dad is now a fraction of his usual self, there's still a bit of him in there, but when i think of the intellectual, witty, articulate person he was it's so sad. He's basically non verbal now, and when i go there he looks at me as if to say: "now I know you from somewhere, but please remind me who you are..." :

Glad it's not just me, CMOT and Sandwich. And I know what you mean Bob, I fervently hope dm doesn't make it to the end with the dementia.

Bob, thought of you yesterday. I got an email from a fellow parishioner saying my mum had been found wandering and confused. She thought I ought to know and wondered about my mother's care arrangements.

Hmmm.

What am I supposed to do. Lock DM up? It may be just dehydration from the hot weather. Though almost certainly part of the long slow decline. I am trying to let my mother retain as much quality of life for as long as possible. Dementia is a very inconvenient truth in our society.

People that that just add to the guilt don't they NMS? They are usually only showing concern but it can feel like an accusation.
I also had a situation with my MIL who was in sheltered accommodation and one of the other residents kept telling me 'she shouldn't be living here if she's not compos mentis'. The funny this was, that neighbour also had obvious signs of cognitive impairment.

You're right NMS and ZaZa, there is something uniquely pressurising about people getting back to you to let you know the latest mishap. As you have detected, there is often a big element of fear there, and wanting to keep the problem at arms length. I got a call from the vicar who has been visiting Dad, to tell me that he looked distressed on his last visit when staff were moving him. That is a feature of his disease now, his balance centres are badly affected and when he stands up he feels like he's falling. The vicar also started asking me lots of questions about Dad, me, my bro (who has mental illness) my faith, etc etc and I found the whole thing most intrusive. Without wishing to be offensive to anyone here (we have enough to contend with...) I think evangelical churches can focus so much on the positive and the power of prayer, "healing" etc that when things are really bad there is an unwillingness to acknowledge that nasty illness is a fact of life and being an evangelical is no insurance policy. Rant over.
We cannot lock our parents up or stop them deteriorating. Risk and uncertainty are a feature of dementia (and of many other diseases) . I would always be upfront in telling people Dad had dementia when we were out and about and the vast majority were very accommodating (he no longer leaves his care home unless by vehicle eg to go to GP). The problem is when people are unaccompanied, but more and more I think we need a thick skin and if people are uncomfortable with it, as long as we've done our best to minimise risks then that's their problem.

to you all. We're still very adrenaline prone here, the slightest thing can set both of us off. My cousin rang last night and we weren't speaking English. DH said afterwards his first thought was that one of her parents had died and it took him a bit of time to get it was just a social call. I think after years of crisis management it does take time to get rid of the conditioning that occurs.

As for not wanting them to go the distance I can totally relate to that. Although the last stages of the cancer were brutal, it was relatively quick and I think she would have been relived if given a choice.

CMOT I hope things have been calmer today and your Dad is improved. TheSandwich I really hope nothing blows up before your DD leaves, so close now.

NMS has there been any discussion of an alternative drug such as Ebixa? I believe the protocol is that assessment for suitability should take place after Aricept no longer deemed suitable , the Memory Clinic have just put my friend's sister on it . Any chance she could have a UTI ?

Similar situation - dad is ok but has mobility problems. What have your interactions with AgeUK been like?

Mirabelle, thanks for that. DM was discharged from the memory clinic a year ago. Their new policy apparently. However the sensible (and very wonderful GP) has now written to them asking that they see her again. I assume he may have this treatment option in mind.

There is always a chance it is a UTI or some other minor infection, though DM is astoundingly robust.

CMOT - we are almost up to 1000 posts. Would you do us the honours on a new thread?

I've made a new thread

Dad is out of hospital, their lovely carer will keep an eye on them over the weekend even though she doesn't usually do weekends. But she told me that dad is hoarding food (24 pints of milk in their fridge last Wednesday, 7 tubs of coleslaw) so she's had to ban him from buying food unless its on his shopping list and theres other issues he hasn't told me about. Am sorting those, but frustrating when he doesn't tell me