Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Didn't see your post CMOT. I'm not sure about bedtime. I think Brother said she is bad between 4-8pm. They try to make it as calm as possible and someone is sitting with her at all times as she has. 24 hour 1 2 1 care.

I'll talk to him about sedation. Hard at the moment as no phone. Not sure where he thinks he would be getting sedatives from anyway but guess it's different over there.

He's not in a good place mentally I don't think. He's split with the Mother if his child, his son is miles away and I don't think he has bonded with him really. All pretty sad but not unpredicted.

Hi all.
Spt- sorry your much needed holiday isn't giving you the break you so much needed. For you.
CMOT- hope the card brings joy. This is a never off duty job is it? Dbil breezed in from nz for 4 weeks- has seen his dad( in care home with severe stroke,widower in October,but most of marbles who has been asking about him for months) once so far for an hour- and may do one more if fil is lucky. Grr.
To all.

Grr to your Bil too Twentyten.

SPT, I do feel for your brother right now, idiot as he's been in the past. He must have had such a different picture of right now in his head.

Dad absolutely loves the card and loves that I'd done it as 'a new granddaughter' for him and mum. She didn't recognise my brother in the photo at all though and wasn't interested. He'd taken it to the drs, pharmacy, shop etc today, bless him.

I do wonder what goes through these Men's heads, they are a mystery to me

That is lovely about your Dad CMOT , you did brilliantly sorting that. Goes to show how it is the little things that makes big difference. Sad your Mum didn't recognise him but it clearly means a lot to your Dad.

My Brother definitely had a very different picture. He said at one point before she went out that he was certain that once she held his son in her arms it woukd complete the circle, she woukd let to and be happy. Then he wa so excited when she was actually on the plane.

His mistake was to think you can understand a situation from afar when your not living it and th demands of being a new parent, we all knw you can't. I originally said after the major shitstorm of summer 2013 that he woukd have to make all the tough decisions about her health but have decided he has clearly had such a difficult couple of months that I do want to talk half the burden of th decision makes from him and we'll make these decisions joint ones.

He said today how painful it is to see her and I can imagine. I still have my Dad and his Partner who have been a tremendous support to me and DH but he blew that and doesn't have them . I do feel very sorry for him. we've just been out for pizza , my little family (a little boy came over a c hid behind the waitress to get a picture of DD's green hair !!) . He doesn't have times like that or anyone really, it's quite sad .

Thanks for the link SPT.
Sorry your DB is having a tough time, but you did your bit. And you are now supporting him by talking things through. Try not to feel bad.

CMOT how lovely - well done you

Thanks for the grrrs!
CMOT - well done!!!
And spt- do take time for you. Yes it's tough for your brother- but let him take some of the stress. You have your own challenges too. Pizza sounds fun! Dd was going to have blue hair- but decided against it....... Wants to have it chopped( 14 in off) to donate to a children's wig charity. Bless her. ( actually she can't be bothered with it- it's long enough to get in her knickers(????) she tells me! )

Day3 of another of mums turns. But they've never lasted this long before, and she hasn't kept any food or drink down for 3 days, or had any medication. Just sleeping 22 hours a day and then when 'awake' not talking or co-operating at all. She hit dad yesterday. He managed to get her to eat a little bit earlier, but she threw it all up straightaway.

Not sure how this is going to end tbh. And predictably enough, the next two weeks are my much needed holiday...

Oh CMOT. I am so sorry- will you be far away? I hope she rallies and you get your much deserved holiday.

One week at home doing decorating/chilling/day trips, and a week camping in Wales. So feeling the pressure to go down there - but ds deserves to have me around.

Oh CMOT I am so sorry . Could you give it a bit longer then if she isn't improved go down for a couple of days, rearranging day trips a bit so you still get to do them ?

We got back last night and feel to be honest it was a waste of money, we should have have cancelled when FIL became ill.

CMOT I am so sorry- your ds does need you. And you deserve a break.
Spt - sorry your holiday wasn't what you needed. How is fil?fingers crossed for Thursday for your dd.
Dd missed her offer grades- one urgent remark for a very dubious mark in one paper,but too late to get the uni place. So she's taking a year out- gutted but I think it will be good for her as she has had such a tough time this year. And I'm not sure she's ready for uni yet. So- a bit of regrouping required.
Crap bil is in his last week before going back to nz- having seen his dad once for one maybe two hours.
My db managed to offer to take dm out for lunch- and was an hour late on a 90 min journey- I was with dm so we went ahead and ordered..... Sending to all.

Oh TT I am so sorry, you all could have done without that . Hopefully in time she'll look back and see a year out can be. Very positive thing but so hard when they're going through it

FIL is still with us and had started on a bit of food but his neighbour has sent all the children some money from his account 'for the travel expenses that are coming soon '. A couple of her emails have been quite heart wrenching and I really feel for DH.

Meanwhile trip to Neurologist in Thailand went badly wrong and Brother has sensibly gone away to give them both space. He totally gets what she is like now, sadly it isn't just the Dementia with her. He is starting to understand how his relationship with her affects all his other relationships so a painful but key moment in his life. I'm actually feeling a bit proud of him for dealing with his emotions and not burying them. I've saud to him it is important that we break the cycle and he gets it.

Thanks spt.
Yes- she's moving on! A few close friends have had to change plans so she is not alone. It will work out.
Sorry to hear your news- interesting about your db and your mum. Do you think some positives will come from this? Well done to your db. And you for supporting him. When do you refill your tank?

Sorry to hear about DDs grades TT, but I think a year out can be a really positive thing and especially after a bad year.

SPT, things sound incredibly difficult on all fronts.

Dr today decided that although they couldn't get a sample, they'd treat mum for a urine infection anyway and see what happened. Dad left a really rude message on my answerphone earlier, so had to do some deep breathing and reminders from DH about remembering dads state of mind too before calling back.

Oh dear, CMOT, that sounds tough. Fingers crossed you can get some sort of holiday.

TT sorry to hear that your DD hasn't done as well as she had hoped/needs remarks, etc. I think a gap year is an excellent idea - DD is keen (still has GCSE results to get be for A levels, even!) and I think it would do her a power of good in terms of growing up.

SPT sorry to hear your hol wasn't as relaxing as it should have been. And that your DB is having to face up to things , but I guess better now than never.

I haven't heard anything from my DAunt and DUncle re DM so I am assuming all is OK!

Best wishes to all, especially as it sounds as if some of you are having a tough time.

I am on holiday in a different time zone only to be woken at 1.00am but the estate agent from one of my mother's rental properties asking about keys. He knew I was away and I had sent a series of clear emails before I left. Two hours later and I am still awake.

Difficult. It would not be so bad if my mum were ill. How POA means I am committed essentially to managing my DBs inheritance actively. However he is unwilling to help me by sitting down and agreeing an approach (selling!) which might reduce income and the potential for capital gain but which would make my life easier.

I raise an eyebrow when people talk about using buy to let as their pension. Not good when you are at a stage when you cannot manage your own affairs.

Best wishes to 2010s daughter. The path to University seems to throw up a few hurdles for many of them but usually works out in the end.

Really hope AB'S improve thing CMOT. Well done for gettng yoursel together before ringing back, all to easy to just react. Are the new team (forgotten their name ) being of help at the moment ?

Think it does help when they see they aren't the only ones TT, still hard for a bit though. Guess it's a life lesson that things don't always go to plan but you you find a way around things and carry on.

I'm so relieved to be away from mice and mosquitos that my tank doesn't feel too empty ! We did gave some good times away and have some stories that make family history.

It was never going to be an easy year and my Mother in Thailand has taken the pressure off in a lot of ways as I don't have to see her. Haven't spoken to her since May and discussed this with Brother today. We've decided I'm not ringing for now as she'll do the whole 'get me out of here' thing on me then get frustrated that both her children won't do what she wants. She can ring me if she wants to, the Carers will help her but she choses not to so I don't feel particularly guilty. If anything I feel a bit guilty about how much I enjoy not having to deal with her as I recognise how sad it is.

I do hope though that this enables my Brother to move forward . The elephant in the room is always his estrangement from Dad. I know he would like to sort this but my Dad is be a bit difficult about it as he was incredibly hurt by my Brother's rejection of him. I think Dad does need to accept the role that my Mother has played in the in the background, dripping poison, pulling stings. He isn't one of life's quick thinkers and it takes time for him to process things. Hope he will get there eventually. I would one day to meet my nephew and for him to have all his family around him. That would mean that my Mother failed in what she appears to have set out to do, divide the Family.

This won't go on with FIL for ever. It is stressful waiting for the call and we thought it had happened twice so far. We just have to wait and get through it, then we can recharge a bit afterwards. Although very sad it has got to the stage now where I think everyone will see it as a merciful release as it was with MIL. It's just the abroad thing adds another layer of difficulty.

Flipping heck, I do go on, think I need to practice being more concise...

Thank you all for your kind wishes re dd. Really feel now it is for the best- new opportunities .
Spt don't worry about being concise- writing here really helps. You are heard!! And don't feel guilty about your mum.
And fingers crossed git Thursday.
CMOT- it is so hard dealing with the practical problems without all the emotional history that goes with it.

For not git

Just had email, FIL has slept peacefully most of the day. When he was awake neighbour sat with him looking at old photo albums, he only recognises his children now, not his wife or himself, she saud she emailed this not to upset them but to show how close he holds them in his heart.

It's getting to me now, goodness knows how DH is holding it together. I have this feeling he's going to go just as the bloody results are out, hope I'm wrong

Oh spt. To you. You are dealing with limbo of all the worst diets and watching dh go through it which is so much harder. It is only now post results I can understand the stress and anxiety I had felt- it is so much tougher for you. You must feel so helpless in so any arenas.

Diets????? Sorts!

Rofl at Diets I keep thinking I really must but you've caught me eating chocolate biscuits !! Thank you for being so lovely. Especially when you've just had to go through DD's results and must be still quite stressed yourself.

I will be fine, good to get it out here. I just have started that slightly knotted feeling in my stomach. Going to ring Dad and see if he had a good holiday .

DH is coping remarkably well, says he has learned to put it away into a box. We really need to just try to carry on as normal as best we can but these emails kind of puncture that facade. Also there have been emails whilst we were away about someone interested in buying his flat plus executors. Can't help thinking the whole Spanish thing could end up a bit of a nightmare but one step at a time.

The biggest (and rather sad) irony of the sitation is that it's highly doubtful he even knows where he is now. He only knows who his children are and he's put himself in the situation where he's miles fom them.

I am determined that whatever happens this week I will not lose my sense of humour. And realistically from past experience when MIL died we could still be sitting here waiting in a few weeks time.

CMOT is there any news on your Mum today ?

at diets. Thoughts are with you and your dh SPT.

Mum is no better today, though dad is persuading her to eat custard when she is awake. He's now in full 'you need to see her this week before the end' mode.
Their normal carer is back tomorrow, so have asked him to get her to call me so we can chat about things.

CMOT . Sorry she hasn't improved today. Fingers firmly crossed it is a UTI and just taking time to respond to treatment. Good idea to talk to normal Carer. It is really hard though when you get the 'you've got to come' thing. BIL was saying about that the other day as happened a lot with MIL.