Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Sigora, so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry Signora.

That is so sad.

I wish you well for the busy weeks ahead, and hope you can then take comfort from the fact you were there for her, that she took such pleasure in your son, and that going forward you will be close to your dad and that he is in the right place.

How are you doing Signora?

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to help mum cope with fireworks? Last year she was very distressed by them, and I can only imagine its going to be worse this year.

Hi CMOT. Would anything like rescue remedy be of use? Not sure how it would work with meds etc. Background music?

I have been trying to think of ideas and even looked on the Alzheimer Soc website but not found anything. Fireworks are likely to upset my Dad too he hates sudden noises. Maybe distraction via the TV and some music? I don't particularly like firework season, and it seems to go on for longer each year.

They have the TV on very loud all the time, and the radio on in the kitchen, but I don't think mum really listens or watches now. If it was just one night, then I'd tell dad to just put her to bed early and hope she sleeps through it all, but if he does it for 4 nights that could change her sleep patterns.

I am sorry CMOT, it is difficult. I think we'll sigh with relief when firework season is over.
After my post re controlling blood sugar levels, Dad was taken into hospital on Thursday with a BM of 26. He was found by my brother (who was returning home after pub chucking out time) slumped on the sofa , an empty jar of nutella on the floor beside him. Basically he had a midnight feast. So now there has to be a purge of sweet foods as well as drinks. Also, the fridge has packed up and I 'd hoped bro could get someone in to fix it, but apparently not because the carers have contacted me to sort it out. Still I shouldn t complain, I am lucky really that bro lives there, however inept he is in some respects.

Oh no, your poor dad. If it helps, I've found AO to be excellent on the appliances front as they do everything.

A happy thing today. Mum has been telling dad she wanted new red shoes. He ordered some from Hotter and couldn't get them on her feet. Returned them and they rang up asking if they could help find some that would - he explained her needs and they sent some out. They came this morning, and apparently she has been like a little girl, refusing to take them off and wiggling her feet and giggling

Thank you all for your king words and support.

It's been a busy week. As most things fall to me to organise, we've registered the death, cleared her room at the home and organised the funeral. While it's been good to keep busy, I have found today difficult as it's been our first day at home, with nothing planned in, and it's been hitting me a bit harder.

The little one keeps talking about 'Gran', as we've got some of her things here, or if we mention Grandpa and Uncle 'x'. It's hard to accept that he won't remember her except from pictures and videos.

Off to bed for an early night - the couple of nights without sleep have really shot my system. And in bed is where I do my contemplating and remembering - and tears.

Hugs to you all who are having ongoing challenges. I feel like I'm getting more from this thread than I'm giving, sorry.

Hello signorita. You must feel drained- there is do much to do. Who is supporting you in real life? Take what you need- and ask away for any help or advice you might need. Loads of wisdom on here. And don't feel bad about taking- you will pay it forward when the time is right. Do what you can to look after yourself. There is always someone here to support - sharing good and sad.

And CMOT- what a lovely story about the red shoes. That is great.

Hi everyone, it's a few months since I was last on here, seems like the challenges continue to present themselves and the support here is amazing. Reading back up the thread a bit, I appreciate how fortunate I am that dad shows no signs of dementia, he's just old and forgetful, and slow, and lonely since mum died.

Firstly condolences to you signorita, my heart goes out to you. I hope you managed to get some sleep.

CMOT your taxi story is shocking! - my jaw dropped when I read that

My dad is back in the UK after 6 months at his house in France. He left here as soon as he could after my FIL's funeral in April (although he didn't go to the actual funeral in the end because he had an awful cold. And I'm not sure how he would have coped just a couple of months after mum's funeral, and it would have been another person for me to support when DH & the DCs needed me).

He's only back for a few weeks though, then off to Australia for 3 months to visit his 3 sisters and their families who all live there. It sounds like a wonderful trip, he's very excited about it, but there is some way to go in preparing for it and he's bound to leave it all to the last minute. So I am bracing myself to take on some of my late mum's role in cajoling him along, asking him if he's done things, bought insurance, thought about what pills he needs to order from the GP etc. The first task is to buy a laptop, then to install the ancient software that he likes to use onto it and watch it all crash and burn. Technology & my dad are somewhat of a scary mixture. He's stuck in the 1970s and often expresses his hatred for Bill Gates ..... So we are off shopping next week to see what we can find.

I'm wondering whether we ought to got POA in place for him while he's away, in case the worst happens. I'm sure he'd be happy with the idea.

CMOT good to hear it turned out right. I bet your Dad was proud he managed the situation so well.Thanks for the tip re AO appliances I will certainly use them myself in future. I have referred bro back to the appliances engineer as i am hoping he can take responsibility for the situation. The thought of me being responsible for managing his home for the rest of his life is not a pleasant one.
Signorita you must be exhausted- mourning is very tiring. For what it's worth, my advice would be not to try to do too much. Hopefully after the funeral you can do things a little bit more at your own pace.
Just went to my best friend's mother's funeral yesterday. I cried so much and actually annoyed myself, some of it was vicarious because my own mum died 21 years ago and it brought it back. But also, she was precious, a real one off, cultured and eccentric.

PINGPong- it is always always a good idea to go for POA and if he's happy with the idea, go for it. The worst that can happen is you spend £130 or so and don't get to use it. sure if it would be valid for France, probably not, they have the same system there it's called a procuration I believe. There are various French lawyers with offices in the UK who could set it up for you.

Thanks bob, I hadn't thought about the French issue! Duh. I'm sure he will know about it so will ask this week.

Signorita, that sounds like a lot to cope with. I will no doubt have similar in the future, though at least my DC are teens and could help I hope you are looking after yourself.

CMOT, how lovely for your mum, and your dad - must be good for him to see her happy.

Bob, managing stuff for your brother as well - that's a hard one too. When my DM's fridge/freezer packed up a few months ago, it was the turning point for me to start the assessments/carers, etc - she managed to find someone to sort it, but he was so worried about her that he spent ages on the phone talking to me about her. And sorry about the funeral. But I do think it is good to let it all out.

PingPong, great that your dad is still gallivanting - I hope to too in my old age!

Here my DM got in a flap when she couldn't remember where I was - away in NYC with DD - very confused on the phone. I am hoping it's a blip rather than another step down. She is also moaning a lot about her pills - can't understand what they are for and doesn't see there's anything wrong with her.

Mum is still giggling at her feet . Dad said she could have new shoes every week for the happiness she's had. I must email Hotter and thank them for their help.

Remind me not to venture onto the 'anyone leaving parents without people there on christmas day is evil' threads. Because I am obv evil and selfish to want ds to have a nice christmas day.

Mind you, I'm also considering that we may not go to the PIL on boxing day, or only for even less time than before as ds is so totally left out - and last year everyone else went to the pub leaving ds and me on our own for 2 hours.

CMOT, I feel your pain re Christmas! I don't blame you about PIL - does the pub not allow children? We haven't seen DM (or PIL!) on Christmas Day for a few years, but we are going up to see her on Boxing Day for a couple of nights before going on to friends.

Feel a bit better as she sounded OK (for her!) when I spoke to her just now - she seemed very confused and frustrated over the last few days and I have been worrying about what might need to be done next, but everything sounded fine today. I am going up in a couple of weeks, so I'll get a better idea then.

No, its not a child friendly pub. When the cousins were under 16 they all stayed in with a couple of adults - originally the men all went and the women stayed.

Apologies, I'm very behind. Lovely about your Mum's shoes CMOT. With the fireworks would your Dad putting some in the TV to watch help at all? Am thinking it might be less disturbing if she can attribute them to something she can see.

Fair play to Pingpong's Dad, great to hear !

Sorry about your Friend's Mum Bob and yours

BTM I'm wondering if your Mum had a TIA? We find myMother goes funny for a bit after one - sometimes quite hard to understand, confused etc then improves again.

Brother rang today, she's getting a bit aggressive so they're looking at trying Seroxat.

Hi SPT thanks for your words.
Dad went onto an anti depressant (can't remember exactly which but an SSRI like seroxat, it did seem to help his aggression. As did better blood sugar control).
CMOT I know where you're coming from re Christmas. I asked DH what he thought I should do this year and his answer left me in no doubt that it would not be a good idea to go to dad's, so this year i'm prioritising DH and DCs. Bro and carers may not approve but too bad.
Hope your visit to your mum goes well BTM.

SugarPlum, what's a TIA?
Sorry to hear your mum is getting aggressive.

CMOT, I'd give them the swerve at least till after pub-time.

Thanks, Bob - not for a couple of weeks yet!

BTM they are Transient Ischemic Attacks, blood supply interrupted to the brain very briefly. Basically mini strokes. They will be what showed up on your Mum's scan toget the vascular dementia diagnosis.

People often aren't aware they have them though my Mother did start to realise something was going on. DH saw her freeze for a bit then come back. Another few times she felt very unwell but wasn't sure why.

As with Christmas i think definitely prioritise the DS. They are victims ofDementia as well. Not only do they lose the relationship a lot of others have with their grandparents but they have less attention from their parents who are busy firefighting loads of Dementia problems. If anyone judges they shoud be very ashamed of themselves and are quite frankly utter arseholes.

Ah, thanks! I have no idea if she is having them as I'm not there and she hasn't said anything.
I was looking at the signs and symptoms for Mixed dementia and she definitely ticks most of the boxes for Alzheimers and some for Vascular!

SugarPlum, you are quite right about judgy arseholes - I think my problem is worrying that people might be judging when actually they aren't!

BTM for some weird reason i spent the 1st 2 years of coping with dad's dementia in a state of perpetual guilt and shame. Probably for not having him to live with me, or moving to live with him. The collateral damage would have been huge and now I know I was totally right not to, but at the time the guilt was incredibly powerful. Just remember , a lot of children opt out totally from being involved with ailing parents, and you are trying your best at a large personal cost so please don;t feel guilty.