Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

I second the school of thought that says do not feel guilty.

My mum comes from a large family, some of whom were incredibly judgemental when she went in a care home 4 years ago. None of these had thought to visit her much when she was well and not at all when she became ill. Once in the care home they never visited her, or her husband, left at home alone, never even phoned to see how she was.

In a short while I expect to hear how furious they are that they wer not told about her funeral yesterday.

CMOT, a present that went down well was a Murano glass vase (much cheaper on eBay). Lots of bright colours so looks great on a window sill with the light shining through.

My mother seems to have lost a lot in the last couple of months. She had a chat to my husband about my brother using his childhood nickname and asked what had happened to him. So memories of DBs life as an adult have gone. She was also unable to retain other familiar information for even a few minutes and despite having asked the same question several times.

The upshot is visitors are hard work and she is increasingly losing interest in company or even trips to the garden centre cafe. (Someone recognised my mum last time and came to say hello, but sadly it was clear to all that my mum had no idea who she was.) Its hard to work out what will make her happy, though I like the idea of red shoes. I know I will be strongly criticised should I move her to a home, and its not yet the time. However the day when her quality of life will be improved by not needing to know when to get up or go to lunch, and she will benefit from being encouraged to engage in activities, are not too far away.

Ditto Christmas is no longer a big deal and she will enjoy the Christmas lunch at her accommodation as much as anything we might do with her. Small changes to her routine are enough. Instead we will visit over New Year.

Yes, I think there's a lot of worrying about what others (who don't even visit) might think. I try to stop myself!

florentina, that sounds hard. And for the funeral.

Nms, it's so hard to know when is the right time to do stuff - I am wondering if DM needs more care, but am sure she will be resistant. Oh well, I'll see when I go up.

Florentina, I'm sorry.

BTM we lived round the corner and didn't notice them for ages. We got wise after a bit of practice even if it wasn't seen. She would say she felt ill but unable to say what sort of ill. Sometimes she was a bit slurry and once she said she couldn't hear but could. Then it would kick her paranoia off badly for a couple of weeks, then gradually settle down. It tends to go in cycles with her still.

Sorry to hear about your Mum NMS. Probably one to land fully on the shoulders of the Professionals when the time comes.

Ah, OK SugarPlum - that's useful to know, thanks.

Apologies, I know it doesn't make the most cheerful of reading

My mum has also had step wise declines, which aren't TIA related, but may be seizure related as she has a very weird episode each time.

NMS - thank you for the murano vase suggstion. They would both love that. Sorry to hear your mum is declining. The friendship thing is so hard. No one who walks this road will criticise when it comes to the time for a home.

Hello all ( aka twentyten)
Sorry to hear of the erosion of memories and personality- it is so hard. And I firmly echo the need to focus on dc's at Christmas- and also on ourselves.
Sorry to hear of your loss florentina- we had the distant ferocious righteous relies too- all with opinions but very short on support. Look,after yourself.
I still smile about the shoes

How is your daughter getting on? I have more or less given up telling my mother about what DC are doing. She won't remember and is not really interested. Again another thing lost. Oddly I feel there is a better chance of my late father being able to gain joy from their achievements (and I am not religious.) As if the dementia netherworld is somehow worse than death.

NMS, DM asks quite a lot after DD and never mentions DS. But she has always loved DD and never "got" DS
I think you are right about the dementia netherworld too.

On my way up to DM's for am appointment with the Dementia nurse and also the manager of the Carers. DM seems to be a bit confused about different carers coming and I counted up 14 different names over 6 months - each coming about 3 times but could be anyone any day IYSWIM. Doesn't seem great but is it the norm? Should I ask for there to be just the same ones or try a new Care agency?

You can ask if it is possible to have regular carers although it is not always possible. One of the dangers of doing this is, if your Mum is alone when the carers come you do know what is going on. Some carers are far better than others and you would not want regular visits from the more uncaring or impatient ones.

My step-father is able to call the Agency if they send a carer that he does not feel comfortable with. This is not possible with someone who has Dementia.

This is not meant to be disrespectful to carers, most of whom, I have found are very good..

Update on my earlier post about voiciverous relatives not being invited to the funeral. I was correct, the one who had the most to say did ring up. Too cowardly to call me but rang my poor old step-dad and upset him.

That is a good point - I will try to phrase it well when I speak to DM about it, although she thinks she doesn't need anyone anyway!
And sorry to hear about the thoughtless/nasty relative - why are people like that?

Good luck BTM. Dad is with quite a good agency (although lately communication has not been a s good as it should) and i'd say he's seen about 5-6 different carers in last 6 months. 1 was inept, very young, probably a bit scared of him and let him stay in bed way too long. She left (not sure if she was asked to). 14 does seem a lot, I'd be inclined to tell the agency that's too many (politely obviously) and let them know you'd like fewer people going in.
How are you Florentina? I have found elderly people getting ill and demented can really drive a wedge in families. I have no time for my Dad's siblings, so many promises mixed with criticism, so little help. They can come to any funeral i may have to arrange, but other than that I know I'll have nothing further to do with them. There comes a point where you have to protect yourself.

I am fine thank you Whataboutbob.. Excluding them from the funeral was at my Step-dad's request. Even though she had been in a care home for 4 years and her death was expected, he was still an emotional wreck.

She had been admitted to hospital with a stroke and was unable to eat. We all thought she would die then because she could not have any artificial,feeding. But she survived for six weeks with just hydration. That was very hard for him.

He only wanted the people he was close to. My mum's grandchildren, the eldest two great grandchildren and my three cousins, who had been with us throughout these long hard years. He was very specific about who he wanted there, not even have any of his relatives or neighbours.

My brother an I did discuss telling the others, but we felt that the widowers wishes should take be priority.

Florentina, great that you did what he wanted even if it wasn't the norm.

Thanks Bob, I am actually very happy with all my dealings with the manager so I don't want to upset her. DM is actually better than in ages and when I asked her if she would like to just see the same carers, she said she didn't know if that would be possible as they are so busy! She doesn't really need much help at all but I want to keep them going so she has visitors/someone to turn to if there's a problem.

I'm not sure if her current improvement is due to the pills or the birdseed she is keeping close to her biscuits or the almost empty bottle of brandy

Gosh Florentina that sounds really hard with your mum. Sounds like you absolutely did the right thing by your stepfather for the funeral arrangements, and i think at times like that close family is kind of entitled to do what makes life easier or even just manageable.
BTM sounds like your mum's got really good insight and is able to appreciate other people's situations- long may that continue!

Oh dear. I am between tenants in my mum's old flat so took her and her carer over to enjoy the lovely view of the beach and sea. My mother was absolutely happy, sitting watching dogs and waves, indeed the carer had never seen her so content. Then when she got back to the sheltered housing where she has lived for 30 months, she had no idea of where she was. It was as if her memory was back in an earlier time. Both when I took her down there a couple of weeks ago when I had something to discuss with the previus tenant and when my brother visited her a couple of months ago, she has then taken to her bed for a few days, seemingly with depression. I am expecting this to happen again this time.

There are so few things now that cause her joy, and perhaps this joy is worth the later depression. After the next tenancy perhaps I should keep the flat empty and use it as Britain's biggest beach hut for her to visit a couple of times a week. Though suspect in a year's time too much more of her capacity will be gone.

Its a long journey. Thank you everyone for your company. Evidenced by the fact that we are almost at 1,000 posts. Does anyone what to do the honours?

I can start a new thread

BTM- the agency mum and dad were using for evening visits had a policy of you having someone different every day. I think so that people got used to a few carers rather than 5 days of one, then 2 of another being disrupting.
Day to day, they have a lady who is not agency which is nice as she takes charge more - she deals with their cleaner and found someone to take mum out for a couple of hours a week.

NMS - I guess your mum still has enough memory to have enjoyed the flat as 'hers' and coming back to sheltered housing would remind her of all she's lost I guess

help mother comes to stay cant cope on her own very confused on b12 injections ,my partner is disabled and I work 30 hours a week what do I do ?

Hi hoping to join you all. Have had a bit of a read through and a few of you seem a bit further down this horrible journey than I am. My DM was diagnosed 1 year ago and is functioning ok with my dad (81) in the house with her, They are not keen on any support and have refused everything offered. The problem I have is that my dad wants to still go out and go shopping/to the betting shop every afternoon and he is leaving her on her own for 2-3 hours at a time. She is ok but I worry that he can't keep doing this. Me and my DSIS both work full time so it's only my dad there during the day and I know he needs to get a break. Me and DSIS are constantly falling out over what we think is best for them. I am only 10 mins away and she is heavilly pregnant so I am doing most of the week night dinners/visiting but I have 2 school age DC and its getting tricky at night to get their homework done and get to bed at a decent time. My mum was a teacher before she retired and was the loveliest, kindest gentlest lady you would ever meet. She was interested in everyone and would have helped any of us. It makes me so sad the way things are for them and I think she is lonely and depressed by being in the house all the time during the week. My dad does take her out for the day if the weather is good and she loves her garden but the weather not been so great so she has been a bit cooped up. Glad to find this thread - sending hugs to all of you its such a horrible journey to be on xxxx

Hi mum- this thread has been followed by www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/2895100-Caring-for-elderly-parents-Drop-in-for-support-hand-holding-and-whatever-you-need - you are very welcome.