Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

Warning signals: saw a family member I haven't seen for 4 years.
She said I looked too thin rather than good slim.
This has made my day.

Got home - loads to do this evening but I couldn't settle to anything until I ran. Now I can focus. In isolation this isn't a biggie, we all know the benefits of exercise. But I do A LOT even when I don't have time, giving in too easily to the internal dialogue.

How is everyone doing?

I'm really struggling. I hate my body (have gained weight) and my skin is crawling all the time. I feel so disgusted by it. Not sure how to get through this stage. It's sending me into a spiral that I'm struggling to get out of.

@Rustnot I cannot bear to weigh but know I have gained and feel disgusting. I can feel a tank of bulk on me. I am so malnourished that I crave constantly. Whereas years ago I was incredibly precise about calorie counting, over the years it's less so and I pick on fruit a lot. Part of me just doesn't want to care but the disgust is invasive and hits me even at night (I wake every couple of hours) I can't touch or look at my body. I hear your distress rustnot. Was your weight gain planned? If so try to see it as a positive in that it may relieve some physical and psychological symptoms in time. I do think my age is now working against me as I'm experiencing peri menopause symptoms. Sorry you are suffering xx

Hi both,
I'm not sure I can help much. I'm in a similar position (possibly). I'm doing unrestricted eating (as suggested by Tabitha Farrar) and have gained a LOT of weight quickly. It seems to have pretty much all gone on my stomach- and this is where I tend to carry weight anyway (plus this got worse post partum)- so feel a very odd shape atm.
Things I'm doing to try and help (not saying they'll help you guys but thought I'd share in case):

• Getting rid of smaller clothes as they stop fitting or become at all uncomfortable
• this might sound bizarre- but I've dug out my old maternity clothes- these are great as they give room for my "recovery tummy" whilst still fitting on my hips/thighs (trousers) - also wearing flowy dresses
• reading Tabitha Farrar's recovery books and watching her YouTube vids
• listening to a podcast called "maintenance phase". I have a lot of orthorexic beliefs which have tied health and thinness together. So this podcast is really helping with my fear of weight gain/getting fat
• I'm trying not to exercise as I'm trying to break the link between exercise food and weight. But I'm finding a bit of gentle yoga quite helpful

I'm sorry you're both feeling like this. Having cycled through recovery phases for many years (determined this will be the last time!) - I think this is the hardest stage. But I'm trying to hold the faith that it will get easier. And I'm trying to feel the emotions (shame, guilt, disgust, fear) and eat anyway

@nutmegx some days I wake up and think I'm not going to care...and then I do. I feel as though I can really feel the weight gain, can feel myself wobbling as I walk. I can't work out if it's real or in my head.

@Millie2008 is Tabitha Farrar intuitive eating? Thanks for the podcast recommendation.

@Rustnot - my understanding is that she would say that if you eat whenever you are either physically or mentally hungry in this recovery phase- and eat whatever you want- your body will eventually learn to eat intuitively

I worry that kind of unrestricted eating after 25 years would lead to a different sort of eating disorder. I think it is very brave to try and tolerate the distress and recovery body (The women in the family also carry weight round the middle, not easy) Discarding too small clothes is definitely sensible.

@Rustnot I think the feeling fat/weight gain/wobbling is very real in the minds of those (including myself here!) I don't believe I'm on the Autistic spectrum but have always had sensitivity issues with clothes-feeling the fabric, seams, texture where others don't seem to. For me, the heightened awareness of my body in contact with waistbands etc makes me super involved with how my body 'feels'. I wonder if any of this resonates with you too? Not sure what the solution is though!!

@nutmegx - yes I know what you mean. I worry about that too. The idea is that although you may binge to start with , once your body is nutritionally rehabilitated you will no longer experience such intense physical and mental hunger. I'm trying my best to trust in the process. I'm trying to get into the mindset of sort of detaching myself from my body and imagine that it's a science experiment or something!
In terms of clothes- I'm not autistic. But my son is so I have a level of understanding. I wonder if you could treat yourself to some really comfy seam-free type clothing. I've noticed snag are doing some soft jersey type material dungarees that might be quite nice- as there wouldn't be a tight waistband or anything. Sorry if that's totally not a solution for you- just a thought.

@Millie2008 I'll look at snag, thank you for the suggestion x

I have been advised against 'intuitive eating' or the all in approach but I have bulimia rather than anorexia. All that's happened when I have tried that approach is I have binged and the cycle has continued. Meal planning seems to be the way forward to me but it is just so hard. The last couple of days I have started restricting fluids. I have drunk about 250 ml of water today. I don't understand the fluid restriction at all. I never drink anything other than water anyway, except if I go out, so it's not a calorie thing. I think I am going to struggle with my mental health for the rest of my life and it makes me want to give up. Sorry for the moan, I'm just feeling pretty low at the moment.

@Rustnot sorry you're feeling so shitty :-(
Totally makes sense that meal plans work best for you - I don't think there's one "right way" to recover.
Do you think the fluid restriction is related to not liking the bloated feeling - and wanting to feel empty?

"You look well."

This was said by my mum literally two seconds into a video call. It's almost always code for, "You look like you've put weight on" and I can't begin to describe how awful it makes me feel. Just want to vent to others who get it.

@ugifletzet still that's the worst comment isn't it. It may be a totally benign comment like being asked 'how are you' when no reply is really expected beyond "fine thanks" but it goes to the core, exactly as you describe.

@ugifletzet I have had that so many times and it's horrible. I think usually well intentioned, but can send you spiralling all the same. I wish there was a handbook to give to close friends and family on what not to say to people with EDs!

I am on holiday at the moment...thought I was doing well and had got myself out of a rut. Turns out, when I'm not in a routine eating safe foods, I'm a ball of anxiety and terrified of gaining. It's such a shame. I love being away but it's also very hard.

In the midst of my ED when I knew I was sparking alarm I was able to say to people who hadn't seen me for a while "I'm having some problems with my eating, I am getting help, please don't mention it or comment on my behaviour".
This was a thousands times better than trying to ignore the elephant in the room or the tense anticipation that they would say something. I'd had people say things to me and I hated it and needed to avoid it.
These were trusted, long time friends who also knew I'd been through a horrendous time so this was likely a response to that. The alternative was to cancel plans and believe me I wanted to do that so much, but I did know that further withdrawal from those who cared for me would send me further down the tunnel.
With some I have since been more open, with others we've just moved on - they can see I am a lot better.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/your-stories/anorexia/what-not-say-someone-recovering-eating-disorder/

Are you a lot better?

@Endlesslypatient82 yes I am!
I am not recovered, but I am a healthy weight and my ED behaviours are much reduced.
Interestingly, and worryingly I can see that in recent weeks some behaviours have crept back in as some aspects of my life are causing me great stress at the moment.
I'm very very aware and trying to keep on top of things, but God it feels safe.

You are inspirational.
really

what helped you make the change?
do you feel the benefits of being a healthy weight? Not just more energy but the mental freedom? Or is the latter still playing catch up?

Thank you! What a nice thing to say. What brings you to this board?
By far the greatest benefit is that the ED does not dominate every single moment of every single day. Mentally, that was exhausting - not just the actual ED itself, but the self loathing that it came with. The constant internal dialogue, and that it stood in the way of the enjoyment of everything, and that it shaped pretty much everything I did.

The change was gradual, and is ongoing. I had years of support from two different ED teams (psychiatrist, ED nurse and psychologist) and many attempts at recovery. As my personal life settled and time passed, I would see the positive difference a small change in my ED behaviour made (ie the world did not implode). And every good day or event was banked to be called upon when I was struggling - to show me that's what I wanted. It was really only after a few years that I could put into action what skills I had learnt from the ED team. At the time I knew it all made sense, but I just couldn't do it.

When I feel myself slipping now I am very aware of how easy it would be to slip right back down and I know I DO NOT WANT THAT.

One comment a nurse made to me (which I think I've said on here before) was that at a low but healthy weight, where my ED wasn't impacting my life in such a way to be too destructive, I could 'choose' just to live the rest of my life that way. Like a constant mill stone around my neck. That has really stuck with me.

I truly meant it

my DN

dp you feel the benefits physically too? More energy etc. I’m hoping the impact on her beloved spot may change her

Any tips re food.

Meal plan?

long story but no therapy for 3 months or so.

Energy wise, to be honest - no. At my 'worst' I was exercising to excess, but did not see it at the time. Even when a blood test showed muscle damage. My sleep was terrible. But I won races (for my age category) and didn't feel tired.
I have however had 3 stress fractures which are most likely due to overuse, being underweight and being an older female. I was actually pretty mentally unwell.
I know I have put my body under immense stress and only time will tell if I've done long term damage to my bones.
Intellectually I knew and know that I was playing with fire, but the ED was stronger than me and I wasn't ready to let it go (scared).

Food. Again, I knew what I needed to do. Seeing the dietician only brought home to me that I was in a big funk. Eat breakfast? How hard can it be? Very.

What I do know is that my sport did (and does) help me eat better. If I wanted to run 10 miles I would make sure I had eaten something before. I also admit that I enjoy (and still do) the post run loss of appetite. Any meals plans I showed to the ED team raised eyebrows. I seem to have managed to get back on an even keel myself - in private my habits are terrible, in public or with friends/family I'm OK and I guess that's been enough. I seem to 'get away' with being a bit weird because of all the sport I enjoy. I feel very strongly that I don't want to be a negative influence on my nieces and nephews.

Oh I should say, that although I don't feel like I've got this massive energy, I feel more normal and human by a million degrees. I think I was on fight or flight for a few years!