Spoke to GP

[BraveButShaking]

He is referring me for psychiatric help.
What does this mean? I thought standard was counselling.

It has never been so hard to be honest. I need a hug...anyone?

If you want a hand hold I have stuff going on too. Xx

Hello RHOL
I'm sorry you've got stuff going on as well. Would you like to share or are you just offering your hand? It's appreciated, it's a lonely old game, this.

Today a very long questionnaire arrived from the adult ED service.

I have skim read it. How can I even begin to answer it?!

It seems to focus on weight and size, but I don't think that's my main issue - it's control, release, escape (both the ED and exercise).

I guess I will do my best. I am wondering whether I should wait until I get back from my work trip before doing it. Maybe being away from home will help, it certainly did when I was mid divorce.

Or maybe being away from home and my stupid routines/behaviours will really be hard.

Just fill in what you can.

Bear in mind, the questionnaire was not devised with you in mind, it is just a generic ED starter-for-10 information gathering exercise. It is important that the ED Team is aware of the dangerously thin people, of course, but you are right that the psychological aspect of it all may be what you have to tackle if weight is not the issue.

Wishing you a good day

Am away at conference now. It's going ok food and exercise wise. Jet lag means I'm awake very early so I can run before the meeting. Also means me not having breakfast can be reasoned away by post exercise lack of hunger.

Dinner was hard (I purged).

I have good friends/colleagues here which is very good for me.

Missing the kids like mad. Missing my routines etc but know that they're all fucked up anyway.

I've had problems with binge/purge, life has been very stressful in the past couple of years and it's reemerged, stay strong at your conference. Xx

Are you getting professional help?

Yes it's hard though, life's still very stressful, I'm in a difficult relationship and have a very tough job, I've got an interview tomorrow for something in the same area but much better paced. I also gave two beautiful young boys that are my world. Xx

Really struggling tonight. Haven't binged but feel really full and need to purge (sorry it's disgusting) but I can't while my 18 year old is still up.

I am twitchy and very agitated.

I'm really in a mess. ED is getting worse as each day goes past
Not really bingeing but am restricting and purging. I am starting to hate myself. I am so ashamed.
Appt is over 2 weeks away.
Please help me not purge tomorrow.

Just writing for myself - i have not purged today. I feel wretched and unhinged but I have not purged.

Hi brave how are you doing???

Hello,

I'm hanging in there I suppose.

We spent Easter with my sister and I was brave and told her I had eating issues. She said she suspected and was really lovely, just followed my lead, didn't comment or draw attention. I restricted hugely as I knew I would not be able to purge, but actually, being away from home made it easier to be distracted.

I had a lovely weekend overall.

Because I knew I would not be able to exercise for 2 days I over did it on Saturday. I had raced on Friday so should have rested for a couple of days, but I felt compelled to go to boot camp then do an 8 mile run then a 1K swim (DS2 was with his Dad so I had plenty of free time).
I then had a pain in my leg which I thought might be another (4th) stress fracture. PANIC. So I didn't run at all for 2 days - swam instead and went for gentle run today and I think it's OK - just tendon problems.

I've just been for a swim and now need to write a talk for work tomorrow first thing (was only asked to do it this afternoon so it's not like I've left it until the last minute).

I have purged both days I've been back from my sister's.

Ex was awful over Easter hols. Our court order for term time works pretty well, but it's more flexible over the holidays and he's been taking advantage of that. Scared me a lot.

Thank you for asking. It is a very lonely condition.

I agree but I'm not sure where I fit on the ED spectrum as I don't binge and I don't want to lose weight I worry I'll panic when I eat as it happened a few weeks ago. All still down to control I think and I've had a lot of stress. Usually I can work through it but sometimes I get so anxious. I'm glad you had a nice time at your sisters though. Hope the talk went ok xxx

Just back from seeing the MH and ED team. God that was hard, but they were lovely. I was able to answer most of their questions, but not all of the ones about my eating behaviours. They didn't push.

I am encouraged by being told that my behaviours are most likely due to my very, very low mood and a need to lift that mood by either exercise or the relief of the binge/purge cycle. My low mood is in a vicious cycle as I am not sleeping well at all, but carrying on with life as normal (as much as possible) and trying to just get on with things.

She said my medication (10mg citalopram) probably isn't touching the mood but acknowledged that I have really struggled to accept the medication.

I was able to tell them about how my ex affects me and they are encouraging me to go to the Freedom programme. I've looked this up a couple of times, but the time and place just don't suit me at all.

So, they are making an appt with a psychiatrist ASAP. She suggests that a change or increase in meds in the short term may help me on the road to recovery, and I'm fine with that. I can accept it now as I'm clearly not getting better myself. The psychiatrist will help with that I think. It's just been going on so long now.

I will also go and see the ED lady in a couple of weeks.

Physicals checks were weight and BP. My BP is high but might just be cos I was super stressed. She's also booking in more specific ED-related bloods.

Now I probably need to go and apologise to the road works guy I cried at due to a very frustrating diversion. And do some work I suppose.

Recovery is hard. Very hard.
I have seen ED nurse and psychiatrist this week.
They all talk sense. I know what I need to do, I just can't do it.
Small steps, small steps.

I felt so bad that I don't want to start on Prozac. In my head my reasons make perfect sense, but they are completely at odds with what the psychiatrist says.

Had a horrid experience at my GP surgery with the reception staff. Surely if you see someone is distressed you find some privacy or show them some kindness.

I know I'm talking to myself here, but it's good to write it down anyway.

I think I've made a bad choice.

I felt psychiatrist was 'disappointed' in me for being reluctant to start prozac. She said the dose of citalopram I was taking (10mg) was not therapeutic. So I haven't taken it at all for 5 days. I'm having horrid side effects.

I am scared to start prozac. She gave me 2 weeks worth and I collected them on Sat. I know if I take 1 I have to then continue, as stopping and starting is really not a good idea. There was no repeat presc in there, and no instructions to go to GP for review so I feel a bit alone with them.

Hello. You are not alone. Have you started the meds ? Make an appointment to see the gp in under 2 weeks ( before they run out ) then you know you have a contact point. You might feel safer starting them then if you havent. You have done so well. Don't give up now.

Thank you @Didiplanthis
No, I haven't started the meds, I am too scared to.

No, I haven't made an appt with the GP - after last weeks debacle I feel reluctant to go and see him.
I had bloods and ecg at surgery yesterday (a bp check had been asked for as well, but she didn't mention it and I was in too much of a state to say anything). She asked if I had a follow up. I don't. Not sure if I'm meant to.

There are so many different professionals involved and I don't know who's talking to who.

I don't know if I'm seeing a psychiatrist again after that single 1/2hr appt.

I know I am meant to take responsibility for my own care, but it's hard when appts render me mute and the condition goes hand in hand with shame and embarrassment.

Someone here recommended the Kathryn Hansen books about how she stopped her bulimia dead. She basically decided that the voices in her head driving her to binge belonged to her lower, lizard brain, and were a screwed-up neurological message belonging to an ancient need to make up for periods of food shortages by stuffing ourselves with food, just in case there were further famines.

She began eating satisfying meals, trusting her body to return to its natural weight. If she heard the voices telling her that she needed to purge, and excessive exercise can be part of the purging, too, she didn't fight the urge, she just noted it and dismissed it as a junk message that her higher consciousness could override, using something similar to mindfulness. Her view was that there wasn't a problem with her that had led to the bulimia, it was the other way round: bulimia was the problem, making her feel awful.

brainoverbinge.com/8-2/

Perhaps worth thinking about.

I wouldn't want to advise anything that contradicts what you've been told to do, but I did find this very liberating. My disordered eating goes back, on and off, for 35 years. I was largely fine in recent years until I started the 5:2 diet to keep my husband company.

At my worst I was purging multiple times a day. There are whole days of university that were wasted buying food and eating it.

Thank you. I can do me no harm to read that book.

My BP has been worryingly high the last 2 times. I hope it is 'just' stress.
My CK levels are also high indicated muscle damage from over-exercise. I need to cut down on my exercise, but it really is one of the main things that give me an escape and some endorphins.

My weight is dropping further.

I went to my first drop session for survivors of abuse. Maybe it's too much.

It may be that her approach that you don't have to do much more than just dismiss the urge to binge and purge, you don't have to give it the weight of linking it to an emotional state, takes some pressure off you? Her thesis of the binge urge being an inappropriate junk message belonging to our evolutionary past means that it isn't to do with the real you, the logical, evolved, professional you who has a job, friends, a home, etc.

Good Luck!🍀

I don't think I am ready for that yet, but thank you.

Massive hugs

You've been so brave taking the first steps by speaking to your GP, so well done you. Xxx

Well that 3 months ago now, but yes it was the hardest step.
I think I realised if I didn't have support I would be very alone as things got worse - I knew things would get worse before they get better.