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Donor conception

I approached a friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first

225 replies

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:00

Good evening,

Some background on me, I am 36 years old and a couple of months ago, actually almost three months ago, I approached an online friend of mine who lives in another country (we’ve never met but have been online friends for nearly two decades now) asking if he would be a sperm donor. We spent about eight hours talking that evening and we decided to try and meet for the first time and try to see if we can get into relationship first before going down the donor route. We’ve agreed that no matter what happens we will be parents together but have any of you experienced this i.e. a potential or actual becoming a romantic partner instead? Since that day; at least once a week, sometimes twice, we will spend up to 15 hours speaking with each other in one sitting.

We have video chatted and spoke on the phone and he’s spoken to my mother and he’s told his mother about me.

TL;DR I approached an online friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first before we have children together.

OP posts:
Ridelikethewindypops · 28/11/2022 19:06

Can you support a baby on your own? If you split up will he want shared custody? How far away does he live?
Was 15 hours a typo....?
Tbh I'd be inclined to use an anonymous donor instead.

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 19:08

This has got disaster written all over

ladydimitrescu · 28/11/2022 19:10

You decided to see if you could get into a relationship, to have a baby with someone you've never met?

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:11

He lives on the other side of the planet but I have been to the country that he lives in. 15 hours is not a typo. We really do talk for up to 15 hours in one sitting. We get on really well and we are attracted to each other which is why we decided to go the relationship route first and I would move to where he is in the world. Although he has told me he’s coming here first (I’m in the UK). And I had earn a good salary and I work from home so supporting myself wouldn’t be an issue with a child

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/11/2022 19:12

Utter, utter madness.

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:12

I know it sounds crazy but yes.

OP posts:
CowPie · 28/11/2022 19:13

You’re going to try to have a relationship so you can try to have a child with a person you’ve never actually met?

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:14

Yes I know it sounds crazy but we’ve been online friend since I was 20 and I’m now 36

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 28/11/2022 19:15

Yeah this is not ok. When it all goes tits up there's an innocent baby in the middle of this colossal fuck up.
Use an anonymous donor, using someone you sort of know is far too complicated. Think of your future child. I think it's quite selfish to be brutally honest.

ladydimitrescu · 28/11/2022 19:16

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:14

Yes I know it sounds crazy but we’ve been online friend since I was 20 and I’m now 36

If you didn't try a relationship for the first 16 years, now isn't the time just to get pregnant out of it.

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:16

I appreciate your words even if they’re harsh. I just want some advice but we are trying to see if we can get into relationship first, so he’s flying to England.

OP posts:
Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:16

We were both with other people over the years

OP posts:
heldinadream · 28/11/2022 19:17

So what happens when you move to the other side of the world and have a baby and then want to separate and you want to come home with the baby but you can't because he has parental rights?
And that's just one possible scenario.

ranyBoskie · 28/11/2022 19:18

You sound so immature and naive. This is a truly ridiculous idea which is a disaster waiting to happen .

CowPie · 28/11/2022 19:18

They’re not ‘harsh’! This is an insane idea, to try to ‘get into a relationship’ with a virtual stranger who presumably doesn’t even have a visa allowing him to stay in the UK, in order to have a baby!

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 19:18

You sound like an infatuated teenager.

You are going to move to the other side of the world for a perfect stranger, pop out a baby, make yourself dependent on him as your only support, rely on him financially while on mat leave, raise the baby away from your family and culture... just why?

I can think of half a dozen ways this can end badly.

What if your child has special needs and you have to give up work to care for them? Will the stranger support you both?

If you put him on the birth certificate and he turns out to be abusive, you can't leave the country with the baby without his permission. Stuck forever...

If you die in an accident are you happy for the stranger to be fully in change of raising baby? For baby to never meet your parents and family?

Can you keep your job if you relocate?
Will you have health insurance over there? Do you even speak the language? What happens when the PPD hits and you need to access mental health services?

Good lord... stop being a starry-eyed giggly girl. You are 36. You can't be this naive...

ranyBoskie · 28/11/2022 19:19

You are 36 and your biological clock is ticking. You have become acutely aware of this and its making you irrational

Doyoumind · 28/11/2022 19:20

And what's he going to do in the UK? Is he planning to stay? How will he stay? How long will you give it before you decide if it's a yes or no? You'll be less fertile the longer you wait.

Your life will be a million times easier if you just use an anonymous donor. Don't tie yourself to someone this way.

Paperdove87 · 28/11/2022 19:20

I think it really depends on how long you're going to give the relationship before you start trying. If you're going to move to the same country as him or he moves to be with you and then you get to know each other in person - being around someone day to day is so different from either end of a screen, and you do that for a couple of years fair enough. Then it would just be like any relationship to me. But starting to try for a baby immediately seems very unfair on the child. Also are you sure that there isn't something else behind him being this willing to have a child with you? I don't know why but it just seems a little suspect to me. People aren't always what they seem and it's even difficult to know that in person never mind with someone you've never met...

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 19:21

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:12

I know it sounds crazy but yes.

It doesn't sound crazy. It is absolutely beyond crazy. The fact you are even considering this shows you are not mature enough to have a baby.

ranyBoskie · 28/11/2022 19:23

Can you sound this off to anyone in real life? Do you have real life friends? Genuinely question, just you are considering having a child with an online 'friend' and you are checking out this ludicrous idea online with random strangers.

Why aren't you talking to people on real life? This whole thing is odd.

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:23

Thank you for your words. It’s funny; in my real life almost everyone has been extremely supportive

OP posts:
ranyBoskie · 28/11/2022 19:23

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:23

Thank you for your words. It’s funny; in my real life almost everyone has been extremely supportive

Have your parents not got grandchildren then

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:24

Almost everyone in real life has been extremely supportive

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/11/2022 19:24

Are you thinking of having a baby here or moving to his country? Makes a big difference

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