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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

I approached a friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first

225 replies

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:00

Good evening,

Some background on me, I am 36 years old and a couple of months ago, actually almost three months ago, I approached an online friend of mine who lives in another country (we’ve never met but have been online friends for nearly two decades now) asking if he would be a sperm donor. We spent about eight hours talking that evening and we decided to try and meet for the first time and try to see if we can get into relationship first before going down the donor route. We’ve agreed that no matter what happens we will be parents together but have any of you experienced this i.e. a potential or actual becoming a romantic partner instead? Since that day; at least once a week, sometimes twice, we will spend up to 15 hours speaking with each other in one sitting.

We have video chatted and spoke on the phone and he’s spoken to my mother and he’s told his mother about me.

TL;DR I approached an online friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first before we have children together.

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Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:20

Incidentally I scrolled back through all the chats we’ve had over the years from when I was in my very early 20s until just before we started talking about getting together and he’s always said he wanted to have children and at one point during our online friendship, he had a girlfriend for 10 years that he lived with and he was a stepfather to her kids - which explains why he wasn’t snapped up

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SavingKitten · 28/11/2022 20:22

It sounds like a lot more thought is needed. You wanted a sperm donor…. But instead you are looking to delay TTC a few years whilst getting into a relationship, and also now considering moving to the other side of the planet… the 2 outcomes are not at all similar. If you seriously want a baby then wasting a year or two on this sounds like the wrong choice, at 36 you possibly don’t have the time to mess about with this guy, what if it doesn’t work and you need to find a sperm donor elsewhere?

RoseAndGeranium · 28/11/2022 20:23

Then I think it could be a wonderful love story. Why do people keep saying he’s a stranger just because they’ve only spoken online? Yes, OP may feel completely icked out when she meets him, and she should be ready for that possibility, but also she may still really like the guy. OP just be sensible and make sure if he comes here to meet that he stays in a hotel so you are safe and not under any pressure. Take it fairly slowly, and be honest with yourself if you find him disappointing in person. I think that would be my main concern: you don’t want to build it up so much in your mind that if you don’t like him in the flesh you can’t admit it.

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:24

i appreciate your kind words

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ranyBoskie · 28/11/2022 20:24

You talk of travelling to the other side of the world to meet a stranger who hopefully is your soul mate 😆and then to get married and have a baby 😳
Have you ever left your village because you seem so very immature, sheltered and naive.

RoseAndGeranium · 28/11/2022 20:27

Some of these posts are bonkers, btw. If you go there you may want to frame it as a holiday as well as a meeting (he should do the same). It’s fine to take a holiday on your own. It’s perfectly ok to look up a long term online friend when you go to their home nation. Internet dating is super normal now. This is just a combination of those things, albeit with some expectations that could make things awkward or upsetting if they’re not met.

Essexhousehusbands · 28/11/2022 20:27

I think what people are trying to point out is that you are looking at this as a rich single woman, you go into it 50/50, everything is fair and people are nice.

but you are bearing all the risk in this situation. Without the benefit of face to face contact to get to the truth of the other person. if it goes wrong then it goes VERY WRONG indeed.

you don’t even know how he treats a waiter, how do you know how he’s going to treat you ?

Minimalme · 28/11/2022 20:28

Just remember that he could be anybody op.

Even psychopathic murders can charm people. In fact, they are often rather skilled in that area.

You know nothing about him except that he has the stamina to talk online for 15 hours without havi by to sleep, work or meet up with friends. Weird life.

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:29

Also I had a tarot reading done in December 2021 about the next 12 months and if I would meet the man I was going marry and have children with and no word of a lie he matches the description of the guy I would end up with, right down to his physique (which I don’t usually go for as muscles don’t interest me) and him having had children (his former step kids). Also the tarot reader told me he would be from one of three countries and he is from one of the three countries she mentioned. She also said that when I started speaking to this guy, we would both be very sure of each other instantly I.e. we were with the right person 🤣🤣🤣🤣 food for thought - but I’m sure I’m opening myself up to more ridicule

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RFPO77 · 28/11/2022 20:29

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 19:24

Almost everyone in real life has been extremely supportive

I'm sure they have to your face, behind your back however......🙄

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:30

You’re not reading, he’s coming here

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MotherofaToad · 28/11/2022 20:30

I have a donor conceived child but I used an anonymous donor and had IVF.
I don't think there's anything wrong with your plan to have a relationship with him first but I do think that you need to wait a good few years before TTC. Even though you're good friends, you don't really know what his annoying habits are and there's many parts of his personality that he's able to hide online.
Good luck!

Flabbers · 28/11/2022 20:30

Why don't you try out a relationship for six months and if it doesn't work opt for a sperm donor
the people I know who have conceited with friends have done so with Gay friends and it works well
my kids have a known donor and me and their donor are good friends but deinitrly not romantic

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:31

He’s coming here and that was his idea when we started this whole journey

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RFPO77 · 28/11/2022 20:31

Sorry my bad, I thought you were crazy to consider this but that was before you mentioned the tarot reading, well it's obviously fated. Honestly hon I'm not sure you're ready for a child at all let alone under these circumstances.

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:32

I’m sure many of us here work from home following COVID-19, I know I do.

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Hadjab · 28/11/2022 20:32

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:29

Also I had a tarot reading done in December 2021 about the next 12 months and if I would meet the man I was going marry and have children with and no word of a lie he matches the description of the guy I would end up with, right down to his physique (which I don’t usually go for as muscles don’t interest me) and him having had children (his former step kids). Also the tarot reader told me he would be from one of three countries and he is from one of the three countries she mentioned. She also said that when I started speaking to this guy, we would both be very sure of each other instantly I.e. we were with the right person 🤣🤣🤣🤣 food for thought - but I’m sure I’m opening myself up to more ridicule

Oh God 🤦‍♀️

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 20:32

This is starting to read like s phychiatric diagnosis

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:32

Thank you x

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Newmum0322 · 28/11/2022 20:33

You’re not going to get the best responses on here because what you’re doing is very non conventional. It doesn’t make it wrong, it’s just that a lot of people won’t relate to why you want to do it or the way our doing it.

If you have the money, stability and 2 loving willing parents who want to raise a child regardless of their romantic situation… there are far worse situations for a child to be in! I hope you fall madly in love. If you don’t, then just make sure you’re interests and those of your future child(ren) are protected!

Whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong · 28/11/2022 20:33

I don't think it sounds that crazy at all?!

i know people who've had children together after dating for a matter of months! I would suggest that this relationship has MORE chance of survival - it sounds like you've been getting along great for 20 years and only distance has kept you apart. Seeing if you are attracted to one another when you meet seems like the obvious next step, I'm only surprised it's taken 20 years.

RoseAndGeranium · 28/11/2022 20:33

Sorry. I was so shocked by the anger in some of the other posts that I was responding to them as much as you.
I really hope it works out for you both, or, if not, that you can keep your friendship.

Tessabelle74 · 28/11/2022 20:33

Have you seen the film Green Card?

Swiminanglesey · 28/11/2022 20:34

just here for the deletion message 🤣

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 20:34

Yes the six months of getting to know each other sounds ideal and to be honest after we meet, we both can afford to fly to each other’s home country every month or every other month to keep seeing each other for that 6 months

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