I approached a friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first

[Homemaker86]

Good evening,

Some background on me, I am 36 years old and a couple of months ago, actually almost three months ago, I approached an online friend of mine who lives in another country (we’ve never met but have been online friends for nearly two decades now) asking if he would be a sperm donor. We spent about eight hours talking that evening and we decided to try and meet for the first time and try to see if we can get into relationship first before going down the donor route. We’ve agreed that no matter what happens we will be parents together but have any of you experienced this i.e. a potential or actual becoming a romantic partner instead? Since that day; at least once a week, sometimes twice, we will spend up to 15 hours speaking with each other in one sitting.

We have video chatted and spoke on the phone and he’s spoken to my mother and he’s told his mother about me.

TL;DR I approached an online friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first before we have children together.

Get your reproductive health checked out.

If you’re ok, then try dating this guy for 12 months. You probably still have time, and, on the balance of these probabilities it’s the wiser course of action.

Women have done crazier things. If you’re a position to support the baby and it’s what you really want, go for it.

Disaster.
Think of the welfare of the potential human being you may create. They deserve to have a better start in life than this wacky arrangement. Please.

I met up with a guy I thought I knew who was on the other side of the planet. We also spoke for 15 plus hours a day and he told me all about his life in the USMC, lamented his divorce and talked about the house and apartment him and his ex wife shared. He also had severe combat PTSD.

None of it was real. He was physically and mentally abusive when I did meet him IRL, stalked me for two years and the only reason he didn't get on a flight and "find me and strangle me to death" like he threatened was because covid hit and flights were cancelled.

Don't be a fucking idiot OP. You do NOT know this man.

Why does he suddenly want a relationship now? Have you just come out of another relationship? Has he secretly liked you all along?

it’s quite strange you’ve never met. Meet in a safe space!

I ovulate every cycle. I’ve been testing for the last 12 months.

He was with someone for 10 years, over the 16 years we’ve been online friends and he was with two or three other women for the remaining 6 years and I have been with people over the last 16 years. I’m 7 years younger and at 20 when we first started speaking was far too young for him when he was 27. Plus we started as just online friends. I’m now 36 and he’s almost 44

It’s still worth getting your fertility checked, ovulating every month guarentees nothing, especially when you are looking at TTC closer to 40 by the time you’ve faffed around holidaying with the guy

You are strangers. 15 hour conversations sound exhausting. You're lovebombing one another and living in a fantasy.

Maybe you'll meet and it will all be perfect and you'll fall in love and it will be the perfect fairytale.

But it's much more likely that you won't like him or he won't like you or simply in the cold light of day you look at each other and feel embarrassed as you realise you're strangers after all.

Add to that the issue of having a baby with someone you don't live in the same country as. You could end up in an extremely vulnerable situation.

I would say, stop the stupidly long conversations and cool things right down. When he gets here, treat it as a first date and be brutally honest with yourself about whether he is really a good, long term prospect and whether you could actually fall in love with him. It doesn't sound like either of you are living in reality at the moment.

So in 44 years he hasn't had a baby. Odds on he's infertile orrrrrrrr hasn't been having much sex as he lives in the basement wasting his life online chatting to you and various other strangers

I say go for it! As much as it could go bad it could also go great

Supportive or too nice to be fully honest with you?

OP please, please, please read up on the Hague Convention in relation to child abduction.
If you give birth abroad OR move abroad with the child at any point you need PERMISSION from the father to move it back to the UK (or any other country). Otherwise you will be arrested and risk a prison sentence for child abduction.

I’m trying to look at the positives

Do you say the same to women in their 40s on Mumsnet who haven’t had children yet?

You need to look at the negatives also to have a balanced view

Hard to do when your biological clock is tick tick ticking away though. That's why you are having these thoughts. It's coming from a place of desperation which is not a good place to make any decision is it? Really.

I think the reason for wanting to try a relationship is daft (the baby thing)

but I think wanting to try a relationship with this man is actually not such a crazy idea.

Especially if you are attracted to him and do spend such a long time talking to him.

In your situation I'd probably want to stay in the UK for at least five years first and I'd want to "interview" previous partners to try and discover any red flags.

I'd also delay any thought of babies for around 2 maybe 3 years.

Oh and I'd get every single legal protection I could too.

This has to be a wind up. Ridiculous

Well that’s lucky isn’t it, because in real life real babies need lots of support. It’s only cyber babies that can be left for hours while their parents chat online.

I would if they asked for my opinion as you have and if they came up with a crazy scenario as u have

You need to be realistic.
I live in the UK, am foreign (western europe). DP is British. We had been together for 5 years before having DD.
Having a child is extremely stressful and hard work. It was awful not having my family nearby especially when DD was a baby and it took me a long time to accept my life as it is now.
Please don't have this potential child abroad when you will be stuck there with zero support. It screams problems down the line. You'd be very vulnerable.

If you are financially independent and emotionally strong enough to raise a child alone, then go for it. But do it here. Don't have a child in his country. Your family is here. Your support. Your life. If the relationship ends, you could be stuck there. If the relationship ends badly, then you could be in for a nightmare.

Or his past partners never wanted kids with him. OP mentions step kids.

But i feel that someone who definitely wants bio children would not waste 10 years with someone who won't have any.

44 also doesn't bode well for sperm quality and the risk of genetic defects

True.
None of this bodes well 😆

This.

Think very carefully about this decision. It can be easy to view things through rose coloured glasses, especially if someone's dangling a carrot (in this instance, the potential of having a baby) in front of you.

Even if you're so, so, so certain you and he will work together as parents and nothing could go wrong, you just don't know. This is the case in ANY relationship, however, you've never met/lived with/spent actual time with this person. If you move to his country and have a baby and then things don't work out and you want to return to your friends/family in the UK, you'd need his permission. He could stop you leaving with your child and you'd be trapped in his country, assuming you don't up and leave your child.

This has, in fact, happened to a close friend of mine. She moved to Australia with a guy she met when travelling there, they got into a relationship and had a baby together. When baby was 6 months old, he left her for another woman. She is now stuck living in Australia, with no family, only able to return to the UK with her ex partners written permission for 2 weeks each year... while he is engaged (and has another child) with a new woman.

Think about your future, OP. If you want a baby, by all means go for it, but I'd strongly suggest looking into using an anonymous donor.

Oh dear. So he’s been messaging other women (you) whilst in relationships.