I approached a friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first

[Homemaker86]

Good evening,

Some background on me, I am 36 years old and a couple of months ago, actually almost three months ago, I approached an online friend of mine who lives in another country (we’ve never met but have been online friends for nearly two decades now) asking if he would be a sperm donor. We spent about eight hours talking that evening and we decided to try and meet for the first time and try to see if we can get into relationship first before going down the donor route. We’ve agreed that no matter what happens we will be parents together but have any of you experienced this i.e. a potential or actual becoming a romantic partner instead? Since that day; at least once a week, sometimes twice, we will spend up to 15 hours speaking with each other in one sitting.

We have video chatted and spoke on the phone and he’s spoken to my mother and he’s told his mother about me.

TL;DR I approached an online friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first before we have children together.

Many thanks

I think it’s a good idea OP

🙂🙂🙂

Thank you

He has just a good passport as I do but yes I have seen that film.

Sweetheart, with all due respect, you're making him fit the reader's prediction. He could still be the man of your dreams and the father of your future babies, but please, please, be sensible about this. Meet him in the flesh first and see if there's any connection.

Don't go straight into baby making with a stranger, because, despite 16 years of online chat, he is just that. You don't know how he feels physically, how he smells, what his kisses are like - you're trying to turn a fantasy into real life.

I can answer that for you quickly, no. Nobody else has ever found themselves in this situation.

OK OP but get a copy of the book previously suggested - knock yourself up- so you have a plan B. Otherwise you’ll overlook the red flags as the narrative of your life will be too appealing.

The tarot reading was more just a bit of fun but I’m not making it fir anything because he actually does fit it. Either way I have taken on board everything everybody has said

@Homemaker86
www.theguardian.com/society/2022/may/31/uk-sperm-donor-genetic-condition-banned-contacting-children-fragile-x-syndrome

There's a bit more to making babies than just making babies.

I once met a man, pre-internet, through work and we got on fabulously. Stayed up all night chatting, for several hours, wine glass in hand. Talked about everything and anything, spark was there when we talked. He sent me a photo. We arranged to meet. Not only was there no spark, he absolutely gave me the ick in real-life. Smelled all wrong, just not for me at all. It was embarrassing enough getting out of that when he'd travelled across the county (he was still convinced I was the one for him), let alone if he'd travelled across the world.

I don't think you are wrong to meet up, but you have to be prepared that either of you may simply not fancy each other, or have some personality traits or everyday behaviours you really do not like. I have many very good male friends who I laugh with and can talk for hours with, but we are not compatible in terms of temper and life values; they are also a tad sexist UK men I find, and I bet a lot of Australia men also might be and you might only find out later down the line.

I would not tie yourself to this man until you have got to know him really very well, so at least a year, and I would not use him as a donor unless you have a genuine love relationship because it's too messy and gives him too many rights which would restrict your ability to get support and live here if you split or he left you in the future.

Oh em gee why didn't you tell us this right away the cards have spoken!!!! What more reassurance could you possibly need!!!!!!!!!!😂

The future child will have a relationship with their Dad. Donor = no Dad, no knowledge of 50% of your heritage. I don't see how a donor is better.

What an earth can anyone talk
About for 15 hours?

I think absolutely explore whether a relationship is in the cards. But take baby making off the table for 2 years.

Dh and I lived on opposite sides of the world and were long distance for several years. Yes, I did move to his country to get married and have children there. BUT, the difference is that we waited 3 years before we got married and a year later, had our first dc. We got to know each other as partners very well first.

AND I made the move with the intention of never moving back to my home country. I was well aware from when we started to TTC that it would mean never moving ‘home’ again once we had dc. While that was something I was very happy with and still am 12 years later, I don’t think it’s a decision you can make now about someone you’ve never met and a country you’ve never spent significant time.

Get to know each other, then consider visiting for several months at a time to trial living together, explore career options there, what family life would be like, make friends, get to know his family and then decide in a couple years if being parents is the right next step. Keep on top of the birth control for the time being. 😬

That’s why I felt a friend may be a lot better than a donor

Tbf to OP there’s plenty of women on MN who know their partners are a bit shit but they still have a dc with them because they thought he would change and they were getting older. And then when their partner is totally shit they have a second dc.
Maternal instinct and Mother Nature have a lot to answer for.

Thanks for your take

Ha

Everything and anything. We even watch sporting events from 20 years ago together (via YouTube) whilst on the phone and just discuss what we see

If you're such great friends why have you not made the move to meet up sooner?
It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me.

Because we were seeing other people over the last 16 years and it only changed recently

Just think it through when there’s a real live baby that needs care 24/7/365.
Do both parents live in the same country? How does the immigrating one make a living?
What are the living arrangements? Together or separate ? 50/50 care?
What if you separate ? Can the immigrating parent stay in the country, leave with the baby who may be a child by then.? You’d have to think of employment, education, somewhere to live if removing the child plus possible legal costs. I’ve lived in a country where it was nigh on impossible for a foreign mother to leave with the child. I met several battling in the courts and knew of others who’d left without their children.

Then look at the same scenarios with an anonymous donor and see which makes for a more beneficial life for you and a child.
You will be primarily responsible for a child for at least 18 years, it’s a long time so take time to think it all through.

If you are for real...

A huge proportion of relationships don't last. That's a fact. So there's a high chance this relationship wouldn't last. But you would be stuck in another country and unable to leave if you had a child with him. If you were able to leave, imagine the affect on your dc. Imagine having a baby with no support network around you. Imagine being a single mum with no support network.

It's hard to imagine these things. As someone who was in a relationship for several years before having a baby, I can tell you I never understood or envisaged how difficult it would be to end up coparenting with someone who turned out to be the wrong choice. You're trying to roll up your desire to have a baby and your desire to have a relationship into one simple solution but you are definitely not thinking straight.

You sound like you’re in the early heady rush of romance. It’s not the best time to be making decisions that create a life who will have to live with the fallout.