Page 9 | I approached a friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first

Homemaker86 · 2022-11-28T19:00:46+00:00

Good evening, Some background on me, I am 36 years old and a couple of months ago, actually almost three months ago, I approached an online friend of mine who lives in another country (we’ve never met but have been online friends for nearly two decades now) asking if he would be a sperm donor. We spent about eight hours talking that evening and we decided to try and meet for the first time and try to see if we can get into relationship first before going down the donor route. We’ve agreed that no matter what happens we will be parents together but have any of you experienced this i.e. a potential or actual becoming a romantic partner instead? Since that day; at least once a week, sometimes twice, we will spend up to 15 hours speaking with each other in one sitting. We have video chatted and spoke on the phone and he’s spoken to my mother and he’s told his mother about me. TL;DR I approached an online friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first before we have children together.

DarkShade · 28/11/2022 22:09

Oh yes, completely forgot that in many counties you need the other parent's legal permission to take the baby abroad, even for short period of time. Do not move to Australia/NZ!

Original poster

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 22:11

InTheNightWeWillWish · 28/11/2022 22:04

Ok, a huge red flag is that you have discussed being together apparently earlier but not acted on it. You say because he was in a relationship for 10 years but it’s a relationship in which he was mentioning that he could be with you. So you’ve either had a very long emotional affair or you’re his backup which would suggest you have always fancied him but he was in this relationship. He picked up on your feelings and kept you just interested enough that if his relationship ended you would still be available to him. I imagine every time you got somewhere with a guy you were seeing that he wouldn’t like them, he might get a bit withdrawn or maybe a bit sulky? It’s because he thought he was losing you, even though her didn’t want you enough to end his relationship.

He will still go ahead with being the donor if you aren’t able to have a relationship? There is generally a reason why people use strangers for donor conception it’s because they aren’t made to compromise with someone who they aren’t in a relationship with and could never be in a relationship with. You could get the ick with him when you meet in person but you’ve agreed to have a child with him. So you’re going to coparent with someone who gives you the ick and have to compromise what you want to meet them. If you used a stranger you are going it 100% alone but that also means you don’t need to compromise with someone you don’t like.

However, you like him more than you are willing to admit so you won’t see these red flags. So, as the relationship is inevitable, I would recommend not moving to Australia/NZ with him and getting him to move here and not just because of the legal implications that you won’t be able to bring your child back home if the relationship fails. If he’s supportive and gets it from raising his step kids, he’ll get why you want to stay near your support network. Although he won’t have done the early days with his step kids.

Having a baby can be really isolating. I live 4 hours from my family but in the same country. I’ve lived here for 10 years before I had my DD and 5 years in my specific village. I had local friends, I knew of walks, activities, coffee shops, I know how to drive around, i know how to get places, I know how the doctors work, I know the area and my life is here. I have a supportive DH and a village around me of people who I knew could drive me to the hospital if needed, who could take care of my dogs, who if I was struggling could come and watch DD for me. I also have a really great group of NCT mums locally. It was still the most isolating time of my life. I hated my job but I couldn’t wait to get back to work, to normal.

Now you’ve said your mum has the means to fly out regularly but that doesn’t mean she will. You have a sister and she has two kids here. So how long are you happy to not see your mum? At the very worse case scenario if your friend doesn’t allow you to leave the country with his child but your mum can’t make it over, how long are you prepared to not see her? For your child to not see her? When baby has first been born, how many weeks old do you want baby to be before they meet your mum? My mum lives 4 hours away and DD was still 4 weeks old before my mum met her. With international flights this could be longer. Are you happy with that? What if someone in your family gets sick? I’ve done the cross country dash when I’ve got the call, it’s the worst drive ever. How do you feel about your mum getting ill and you having to sit on a long-haul flight with a toddler who is picking up on your emotions and your stress? How would you feel if your mum was dying and your friend wouldn’t let you leave the country with your child to say goodbye to your mum.

Let’s imagine a very likely scenario of baby getting a bug and they’re not eating or drinking, which happens a lot. They have a temperature and they’re becoming dehydrated, they’ve not had a wet nappy for some time and you’re getting worried. It’s only 3pm your time, your partner is at work but it’s 2am UK time, you can’t ring your mum. Maybe you don’t get on with his mum, again it’s common, so you want a night out with your friend/partner but you’re not comfortable with MIL looking after baby. Who is going to watch the baby? Are you going to wait until your mum might be coming over to have a night out? I struggled to establish breastfeeding and needed support from my DH and when he went back to work, I needed that from my mum. If you have something similar to me are you happy to try breastfeeding in front of his mum. Constantly trying to get a baby to latch, crying in front of her and possibly opening yourself up to judgment. Then pumping in front of her? That’s what I had to do in front of my mum. I had to do it every 3 hours. I really get on with my MIL but I wouldn’t have wanted to be that vulnerable around anyone but my mum and DH. What if you need a c-section and need help after the birth? Do you want your mum for that?

I want to make it crystal clear; he’s always found me attractive and I’ve always found him attractive but it was always platonic talking over the last 16 years until the last almost 3 months now.

Financially we are both sound and my mother is more than sound so flying places would not be a problem - also my family are originally from Africa so the whole not having relatives close by is a non-issue for me as I grew up without grandparents and I’m used to having family internationally. I’ve seen my mother and father, fly to where their parents were born very ASAP because someone has passed away.

We never had an emotional affair, we never cheated on each other and he gave me sound dating advice because whilst we found each other attractive we never were interested like that until recently and things changed. Have you never come across people that were friends for years with no Inkling to date and then they decided to try it and then they were keen?

OP posts:

Mehmeh22 · 28/11/2022 22:18

Yes but the difference is:

Sperm donation / bringing a child into this
Travelling across the globe

You 👏 are 👏 not 👏 getting 👏 it👏

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/11/2022 22:25

Something still doesn’t add up here, both of you always found each other attractive but never acted on it including as me and others have said visiting each other’s countries to meet as friends and see each other’s country in 16 years especially as you both have the financial means to do so.

Friends for years with no inkling to date and then decide to do it, yeah sure that’s happened but as others have said why hasn’t he settled down and had kids before. Why you now? He’s telling you everything you want to hear and you have no idea apart from what he’s said or you see online about the real him.

Its quite rare in my experience for most men I know at 44 not to be snapped up and either married or in a relationship with or without kids. Especially one who seems as perfect as you make him out to be.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/11/2022 22:27

Mehmeh22 · 28/11/2022 22:18

Yes but the difference is:

Sperm donation / bringing a child into this
Travelling across the globe

You 👏 are 👏 not 👏 getting 👏 it👏

OP won’t get it! All the MNers who advise caution she’ll say are Debbie Downers.

He will either come across and OP will get knocked up and hopefully it goes swimmingly or he will come over or OP will go to his country and it’ll go tits up, with or without a baby.,

daisy46 · 28/11/2022 22:28

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 19:08

This has got disaster written all over

that's exactly my thoughts

Original poster

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 22:29

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/11/2022 22:25

Something still doesn’t add up here, both of you always found each other attractive but never acted on it including as me and others have said visiting each other’s countries to meet as friends and see each other’s country in 16 years especially as you both have the financial means to do so.

Friends for years with no inkling to date and then decide to do it, yeah sure that’s happened but as others have said why hasn’t he settled down and had kids before. Why you now? He’s telling you everything you want to hear and you have no idea apart from what he’s said or you see online about the real him.

Its quite rare in my experience for most men I know at 44 not to be snapped up and either married or in a relationship with or without kids. Especially one who seems as perfect as you make him out to be.

I was 20 when we started communicating on MySpace, then we migrated to Facebook and pretty soon he was in a 10 year relationship and I was a very young woman at the time and in those days I wasn’t looking for a relationship for marriage or children. I have actually been to the country he resides in but I didn’t visit him at the time, I went to a completely different area and he’s not perfect. Far from it. He is not a perfect guy but assuming that we both have been representing ourselves accurately we can build on that and we want to work as a team.

The only thing is to meet him and see what happens now but definitely hold off on the immediate impregnation

OP posts:

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 22:29

Are you sure he's solvent? In light of the recent breakup and his enthusiasm to come to you... no one falls in love faster than a dude who needs a place to live in...

Original poster

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 22:33

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 22:29

Are you sure he's solvent? In light of the recent breakup and his enthusiasm to come to you... no one falls in love faster than a dude who needs a place to live in...

I never said the break up from the 10 year relationship was recent. That goes back to 2017. And since then I’ve seen him date two women for less than a year each. Also they had to sell their business together and the home at they bought (10 year woman). And he had to start his life again; he has been very forthcoming about his situation and his financial situation is sound as far as I can see and what he’s told me. That being said I am not as naive as maybe I’m coming across because I’ve seen plenty of women who I have been friends with be fleeced out of money by men they met in real life, so to speak.

OP posts:

Smearywindowsagain · 28/11/2022 22:39

You might need these people www.hague-mothers.org.uk
Having a child abroad with someone from that country puts you in a very risky legal position. You could end up trapped in a country alone or risk imprisonment if you try to take the child home.

Tropicaliyes · 28/11/2022 22:43

If your financially well off and work from home with the ability to fly all over and so on, why not cut out all the unnecessary worries and concerns and just go to a sperm bank? After all it seems the financial side of it won’t be a issue and should you decide to still go forward and meet this guy and get to know each other you won’t need to worry about using your remaining fertile years to rush and have a child as you sorted your own life out way before trying to uproot your life.

I wouldn’t however recommend taking your fresh baby to a random stranger in a strange country you don’t know, away from the safety and security you have grown up with such as family, friends and our laws that only protect you here. Remember the U.K. don’t have jurisdiction in most other countries so tread with caution.

This is your life and only you can dictate how you will live it however you wanted a sperm donor, there is already a place set out for that so why not just go there?

Original poster

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 22:45

Tropicaliyes · 28/11/2022 22:43

If your financially well off and work from home with the ability to fly all over and so on, why not cut out all the unnecessary worries and concerns and just go to a sperm bank? After all it seems the financial side of it won’t be a issue and should you decide to still go forward and meet this guy and get to know each other you won’t need to worry about using your remaining fertile years to rush and have a child as you sorted your own life out way before trying to uproot your life.

I wouldn’t however recommend taking your fresh baby to a random stranger in a strange country you don’t know, away from the safety and security you have grown up with such as family, friends and our laws that only protect you here. Remember the U.K. don’t have jurisdiction in most other countries so tread with caution.

This is your life and only you can dictate how you will live it however you wanted a sperm donor, there is already a place set out for that so why not just go there?

Okay thank you for your input. As harsh as a lot of you have been you have given me a lot of things to consider and I will take this on board.

I probably will retire to my slumber very shortly but once again thank you

OP posts:

Onenonbrunette · 28/11/2022 22:45

Look, by all means meet the guy. It’s great that he’s coming over after all this time. However……..please think very very carefully about having a baby with him. Starting a relationship with that as the driving force and ultimate goal, rarely allows a relationship to develop naturally and you might find yourself ignoring problems that would, under normal circumstances, have you running for the hills.

GreenManalishi · 28/11/2022 22:49

Having a baby via a sperm donor doens't mean you can't explore the possibility of a relationship with this man simultaneously.

Starting a relationship with someone so you can use them as a sperm donor? A whole different ball game.

LittIe · 28/11/2022 22:55

A woman with daddy issues and a reliance on tarot cards having a baby in a third country with a man she’s never met.

What could possibly go wrong?

RedTable · 28/11/2022 22:59

I’m going to go against the grain and say go for it! Life is short and you’ll soon know whether you want a relationship or not.

Original poster

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 23:01

RedTable · 28/11/2022 22:59

I’m going to go against the grain and say go for it! Life is short and you’ll soon know whether you want a relationship or not.

Thank you. I’ve just got off the phone with my mother and told her about the pile on of responses to my post on here but we both agree the only way forward is for me to meet him and decide from there how we want to take things. Having a child with anyone regardless of how you meet is always a gamble

OP posts:

purpleboy · 29/11/2022 00:04

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000p1vr

Have a listen to this op, be very careful about having a baby in another country, it's got potential disaster written all over it.
If you do go ahead with it seriously consider having the baby here in the UK, it's the only way to protect your maternal rights.
I've worked with some of the hauge mothers and they like you thought it was a fairytale, but it turned into a nightmare for them all.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/11/2022 07:18

If you really really want a baby then go for it but
a) don't move to his country - if it breaks down you may not be able to come home with the child
b) bear in mind he will probably go back home and you'll have to raise the child alone and handle the emotional impact on your child of not having their dad around
c) financially you'll be alone as there will be no way of getting maintenance paid

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/11/2022 10:17

Homemaker86 · 28/11/2022 22:29

I was 20 when we started communicating on MySpace, then we migrated to Facebook and pretty soon he was in a 10 year relationship and I was a very young woman at the time and in those days I wasn’t looking for a relationship for marriage or children. I have actually been to the country he resides in but I didn’t visit him at the time, I went to a completely different area and he’s not perfect. Far from it. He is not a perfect guy but assuming that we both have been representing ourselves accurately we can build on that and we want to work as a team.

The only thing is to meet him and see what happens now but definitely hold off on the immediate impregnation

Show quote history

This sounds slightly better.

Actually at 2 years younger than you, I was in a very brief relationship (3 months) with a man 5 years older than me whom I’d been in a platonic relationship with for the past 7 years. We met at work, he originally asked me out, changed his mind but we stayed friends. When I was made redundant a year later he contacted me at home and we become platonic very close friends. He had girlfriends throughout our relationship but he also had 2 other platonic female friends. I then, in my 20s/30s hung around with him and a third close platonic friend of mine, great fun, but hardly any single men approached me when we went out a lot (to bars) and those that did, both my friends sort of said they were no good for me! Looking back I think I used them as security for not being in a relationship (Though I was in relationships too at that time!). Funnily enough one boyfriend I did have and properly introduced them both to, they didn’t like him at all, so other boyfriends I kept it very casual when introducing them (drinks as opposed to a meal out with the one properly introduced to) in future.

So in my early 30s I was depressed and helping a mentally sick best friend who sadly took her own life and I took my eye off dating. My friends and colleagues told me to ask my platonic male friend out which I did, on a holiday we went to in Spain. He said no then, and when we got back after a year or so we did get into a relationship initiated by him. But I felt a bit strange as he was more like a brother and also wondered why he hadn’t asked me out before. When we broke up or just before, I mentioned to him certain places we’d been as friends, there was on Italian restaurant with red and white checked tablecloths in Brighton, etc. When I mentioned him taking me to these places as a friend he looked confused and said “but I only ever took romantic girlfriends there, not platonic female friends”. So in our friendship we had blurred lines on his part. We’d talked too about dating each other if we hadn’t found a partner by a certain age. Sadly after we dated it went very wrong eg bad breakup and now he’s not a friend and I sort of wish I’d never been in a platonic friendship with him or a romantic one!

So just think hard about this, head as well as heart and don’t put all your eggs into one basket.

ItchySnoof · 29/11/2022 11:51

Why did you come here and ask for advice if you are going to do it anyway? Why waste all our time? You clearly know better than the 10s - 100's of women who have responded with their own experiences on this but apparently we are all wrong

See you in a couple of years when it all implodes, then you can waste our time again.

ChateauMargaux · 29/11/2022 13:12

Don't underestimate the impact that having a child will have on your career - it is best that if anyone were going to move - that it would be him - because simply by being a mother - your future earning potential decreases. If you take time out after the baby is born and then move to another country (regardless if it is English speaking), it will be more difficult to find a job at the same level you are at now and the longer you are out of work, the more difficult that becomes. You work from home - great - that does not mean that you will easily be able to find a job in another country, not least one with the flexibility to have a child. Ensure that you remain financially independent and do not rush into making a country on the other side of the world, your child's home.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 29/11/2022 19:07

Has this thread made the Daily Fail yet?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/11/2022 20:56

IWasFunBeforeMum · 29/11/2022 19:07

Has this thread made the Daily Fail yet?

Why should it do?

To be fair to the OP, I was always 50/50 re having kids and due to my DM being a single mother (very rare in 1970s where we lived) due to divorce, I only wanted DC if I was married, which didn’t happen. I didn’t want to be a single mother nor use a sperm donor. In my mid 30s (15 years ago), using sperm donors was still somewhat frowned upon.

My fertility/biological clock though in my 30s and certainly mid 30s went insane and messed with my head, made me want babies without thinking of the consequences! I luckily didn’t fall pregnant and wasn’t in that many decent romantic relationships then anyway! But I can certainly see why OP suddenly is experiencing a huge urge to have a baby with a male sperm donor “friend”.

qpmz · 16/04/2023 09:36

'I work from home so supporting myself wouldn’t be an issue with a child.'

You can't wfh whilst looking after a baby. They need all your attention. When you're chairing a meeting etc. you can't tell baby to be quiet or delay a feed etc.