I approached a friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first

[Homemaker86]

Good evening,

Some background on me, I am 36 years old and a couple of months ago, actually almost three months ago, I approached an online friend of mine who lives in another country (we’ve never met but have been online friends for nearly two decades now) asking if he would be a sperm donor. We spent about eight hours talking that evening and we decided to try and meet for the first time and try to see if we can get into relationship first before going down the donor route. We’ve agreed that no matter what happens we will be parents together but have any of you experienced this i.e. a potential or actual becoming a romantic partner instead? Since that day; at least once a week, sometimes twice, we will spend up to 15 hours speaking with each other in one sitting.

We have video chatted and spoke on the phone and he’s spoken to my mother and he’s told his mother about me.

TL;DR I approached an online friend about being a donor but now we’ve decided to try a relationship first before we have children together.

I have a friend from a nearby European country. She and her partner were supposed to be moving back to her country and then having a family. She wanted to raise her child close to her family for support. The pandemic gave her partner the excuse he was looking for to delay the move. She got pregnant. His true colours promptly came out and he told her that didn't want the baby but got her pregnant because he didn't want to lose her. She had the baby here. He barely acknowledged the baby for a year while they were living together while drinking, partying and living like a teenager. They split up and now he is using the child to control her. He refused her permission to move home and because the child was born here she can't leave. Officially he gets the child 1 day a week but most of the time he is late picking up or cancels. The child comes back unchanged, hungry and exhausted as no naps. Mum is at the end of her tether as she has no support here and it takes 2 days for the child to recover from a day with dad and their behaviour to return to normal. Mum's job is shifts and doesn't work around standard childcare, so she is currently having to look for different, lower paid work as dad isn't going to help her out by taking his child around her shifts (and certainly should have kiddo anyway as he doesn't even have a bed for them or feed or change then properly). Please think long and hard about how to protect yourself and your child if you go down this route.

The reason why you will get more negative responses here than from frienda is that you are talking here to a wider range of people, some of whom have experience of international parenting and the pitfalls.

If you do this, don't move to his country and especially don't give birth there. Even if you do move after the birth your child would be classed as settled there and you would likely not be able to move back if it all goes wrong. Find out if you would be eligible to claim benefits there if something happened to your job and your relationship had already/subsequently broke up. Because being unemployed, unable to claim benefits and unable to leave the country with your child would leave you in an awful position. At worst you could be forcibly deported without your child. And it does happen. Too often.

You would be far better with a health screened anonymous donor and treating the potential relationship as something totally separate.

OP, there's a book called Knock Yourself Up that I think you should read. Looks at different ways to have a child on your own. Humorous and also scary with some of the co-parenting stories it tells.

I have a donor conceived child, I had a male friend offer, but even though a good friend, I could think of a million reasons why using an anonymous donor was safer all round.

I was also living overseas at the time, which added a million other reasons not to give the offer serious consideration. Honestly, the thought of you moving to another country to have a child with a man from that country fills me with fear for you and your potential future child. And I'm not one for hyperbole. If it doesn't work out with the father, you'll be in an incredibly difficult position. You'll not necessarily be able to come back to the UK with the child. If you did move back, what impact would that move have on the child? If you stayed there, what impact would that have on you? I think all these issues are true for any inter-national relationships. But with you, you don't even have a relationship to base this decision on.

Having a child on your own is entirely doable. But thinking of involving this man is really not the way to do it.

Do lots of reading/research. There are plenty of books and websites out there that will help you make an informed decision about this.

I’m not getting involved in whether I think it’s a bit crazy or not OP (people thought I was insane to find my husband online in 1999), but as someone who has moved abroad I’d consider these things very carefully:

Are you happy to settle in his country for the rest of your life? Because that’s what it means, really. It is not easy to uproot a child who has a settled routine, friends and family and a home they don’t wish to leave.
If you should do this, move abroad, get pregnant and then decide it’s not working with the man, what are your options? What about your baby? Can you honestly say you’re not in for a conversation such as “why did you take my dad from me?”
With such a large distance, what about family here- you are essentially depriving them of a grandchild/niece/nephew etc. You’d have to be pretty confident about the man to make this decision.

If you meet this man and fall in love, do you have time to move abroad for a while to try it out? For reference, my husband and I went back and forth visiting each other for FOUR YEARS before I took the leap. It’s not something you should go into lightly. As for work abroad, can it continue in the same manner, how are you going to divide childcare. Do you know the laws in this country for maternity/paternity leave, schooling system, childcare options. Does he have reliable family who would be open minded and willing to help out? Over the years I’ve struggled because we only have my husband’s side to ask if we are stuck. I don’t like asking anyone full stop but I’m just saying that these thing do matter.

Good luck :)

Sperm donors don't have any rights over the resulting child so can't fuck your life up

My job skill set is very wide and very extensive and I could easily find Work in his country; honestly we have spent hours and hours talking and we want to work as a team whether we end up married or with him as my donor but obviously we need to meet first

Thank you for your words and if it worked and we realised we were soulmates. I’d move to his country.

Unlike PP, I tend to think that if you consciously are going to procreate with someone, it's a good idea to, at minimum, like the guy. While the anonymous donor route gives you legal control, it could mean you could have procreated with someone who, if you met in real life, could have a serious distaste for. I wouldn't want to do that to my child. Your child deserves to have knowledge of their father. While many women can't stand their exes, typically (barring terrible circumstances like rape) a woman was attracted to the father at her child's conception. (Sexual attraction can be an indication of healthy reproduction as well.) a lot of kids of divorced parents have a happy origin story where their parents can point to a story of "how I met your mother/father". Don't underestimate this.

Go and meet your friend and maybe you two will hit it off. Meet his friends and family too, it will show you his character.

Kids want and deserve to know their biological families. I think that knowledge-even sad truths- is better than any anonymous donor situation.

Ah just don't. Ex work colleague was British, married an Australian. Went over there with her small kids on the basis that they would come back if she wanted for them to start primary school in UK. Her dh split with her and last anyone heard, she could not leave Australia with them.

Thank you, I appreciate your words

I appreciate your words

www.ndtv.com/world-news/woman-who-flew-nearly-5-000-kilometres-to-meet-man-she-met-online-killed-for-her-organs-3552093

Well fortunately for me my mother is more than financially comfortable and she could fly to his country multiple times a year and he and I were both discussing where the child would be born and it’s neither here in the UK nor where he’s from, for various reasons but all relationships are a gamble

Your ovaries are clanging so loud you can't hear yourself think, and he's flying in for a holiday leg over. This has no more chance of suddenly being a meant to be soulmates situation than any bloke off the street.

There's a world of difference between a sperm donor and what you're expecting from this.

This is bonkers

Do you work? I barely have 15 minutes to spend chatting in my work day, let alone 15 HOURS.

Thank you for your kind words

I work from home and with the time differences involved. It actually assists with being able to speak for so long

Holiday leg over that he has to wait until 2023 for, when he has no problem getting women in his own country? Ok 🤣

were both discussing where the child would be born and it’s neither here in the UK nor where he’s from, for various reasons

can you elaborate on that?

But you’ve been so rude

OP I also won’t get in to whether the idea is crazy or not as you’ve had lots of opinions on that. All I would say is that before I had my daughter I honestly had no idea! We often have romantic ideas about having a baby but the reality can be very different. And it’s such a responsibility in terms of the choices you make- your decisions will hugely impact on them & their upbringing. Definitely take some time to weigh this up & don’t rush in to anything.

Jesus. People are really worked up about this. Yes, it could go wrong, but the guy is not actually a ‘stranger’ as many suggest. I would, though, be cautious if he is from a poor country with no visa agreement with the U.K. or is not working/supporting himself. I’d also have my worries if he’s from a significantly different culture with expectations of women or customs around children that you might not find so congenial. Is any of that the case, OP?

If he was getting sex with real life local women he would not, I repeat, would not, be chatting online to you for 15 hours.

We are both in and from English speaking countries and both of us have passports of first world countries. I’m in the UK and he’s on the other side of the planet, he’s also seven years older than I and of European descent (non religious) - we are both of very western cultures. People would seek out his passport, just as much as mine.

In addition to that he probably earns £30,000 a year more than I.

He is a stranger. It is so incredibly easy to create and maintain an internet persona and spin a web of lies. There's lots of predatory people out there and the internet enables them to find the most vulnerable victims. You just can't know whether they're telling you the truth.

A woman so very desperate for a baby and/or a man is like a magnet for the controlling abusive types. They can smell vulnerability a mile away.