Ex not always bathing child

[edemamequeen]

DS is 8. So soon will be able to handle this himself but not yet. He is back from 6 nights away and had one bath and no hair wash. I think it’s bordering on neglect & want to say so. How do I phrase it so ex doesn’t go off the rails?

I think some of your responses are difficult to follow

Is he saying to dad, oh its Thursday and I like my bath tonight and dad says 'no you had one last night'

Or is dad saying 'ok, but you need supervision'?

If its the latter he is allowed to and you say your son isnt uncomfortable with the supervision

Perhaps give him more tools to say, 'oh I fancy a shower now dad, thanks', is it that he isnt asking because dad causes a fuss or says 'oh I cant do it right now, you need supervision and you're not going in on your own' - which is it?

I think posters are also getting confused with your other post where you said here on this thread that you would ask/tell/direct your son to ask for more bathing/showering but in your post above you said you didnt say that.

My ex won’t let him. I’ve said this above several times.

You havent said that at all, you're saying he can have a bath or shower but needs supervision (in dads eyes), thats not the same as not being allowed

If this child is being distressed by seeing dad over stuff like this then dont send him, simple as that.

I recently discovered that some parents expect to have to "bath" kids of this age or even older and was aghast

Surely if anything is neglect it's allowing reliance like this? When do kids start wiping their own bums now???

yeah but the comment I was replying to was where you said you were going to let your son no that you think his father should be bathing him more.

Not ideal. Not neglect, in isolation.
My 8 year olds have been showering alone for years, though, I think you are holding him back in that respect.

I didn’t say that. I won’t be doing that. I will be encouraging my child to know that (in my opinion) it should happen more & then he can ask for it.

I am not. His dad is.

Its the dad that insists on supervision I think, not OP

Are you divorced and coparenting? I can’t not send him. He’d take me to court.

So you ARE going to do that. You basically said ‘I’m not going to let him know I think he should be able to have more baths there, I am just going to let him know I think he should be able to have more baths there’. It’s no wonder you think people are struggling to understand you, you don’t even understand you.

Yes at 8 years old he will have wishes and feelings which will be listened to in court, he isnt a toddler. Its a borderline age and you dont want to alienate him against dad, he would need to feel very strongly that he didnt want to go however. This seems a minor niggle but if he doesnt enjoy it and doesnt want to thats all there is to it. You dont send him.

Ive completed many a parenting assessment for private and public law in the family courts.

Thanks. Thats why I wanted to talk to his dad about it myself not to ask DS to do it but the pushback on here is making me think I shouldn’t.
What I would like to say is: DS is unhappy he’s not getting the chance to bath / shower at yours. He’s fine to do it himself so can you allow him to from now on.
But I can’t phrase it like that or he will kick off. So have to find a better way.

Neglect, no. Crap parenting, yes. Again, it's about context and in this case I doubt it's about parenting choice, it's about laziness. OP has also said he's not being allowed to have a bath when he asks for one and yet pps are STILL falling over themselves to paint the dad in glory.

Also the near gospel assumption that this man who hasn't washed his child's hair in a week is conscientiously encouraging a sink and flannel wash every day or so, is really reaching.

Literally nobody is painting the dad in glory, don’t be dramatic. OP has also said the child can only just clean himself, so the dad may feel the child still needs that supervision.

OK but I was ideally trying to send a brief message not start court proceedings. And I gather that under 11 not much weight will be given to his opinion. Also he doesn’t want to never go. He just wants things a bit different.
if you do work in this area I am surprised you’d say I should just not send him. I don’t want to go to court if I can avoid it.

Not allowing unsupervised bathing at age 8 (unless some delay) is controlling (unless wilderness camping where bathing impossible).
so bordering on abusive control.
Is his father of a different culture? I’ve not met anyone (those 75+ or skin disorder aside) who does not bath/shower daily.

Gosh I am shocked at all these answers. My kids have showered every single evening since around that age. Sweaty from sports/running about, hair wash every 3 days or so..I think one wash in 6 days is gross tbh 😕
Could you say to ex you have been teaching DC to shower by themselves so can he continue this at his house/remind child.

Couple of things - what does kicking off look like? If its a load of ranting and raving by text/email, ignore it. If he's going to kick off by having a go at your son or turning up kicking off, dont send the child, take it back to court or let him take it back to court, call the police obviously.

The kickback is about it just being different parenting. Now you have finally said it upset your son thats different. So your son needs tools to say something simple to dad, in the same way he might ask you for things

However, think about this, if you got a text from dad saying 'x is unhappy by not doing this or that, can you allow this please' - how would you feel about that given you said he is controlling?

Thank you. Leaning towards this approach if I do decide to message.

You have a choice if your feel your child is unhappy. You have to decide how much weight to give that. I specified that your child would have to feel fairly strongly and that this seems a minor niggle

However the point still stands, if he is unhappy and doesnt want to go, then dont send him.

Weight will be given to his opinion, not as much as an older child obviously but more than a toddler who would be expected to be just put in the car and taken, you cant do that with an 8 year old.

You dont have to start court proceedings, you could take action and let him run its course. But ultimately you probably dont need to do that, you can try having a conversation with him and ignoring the 'kicking off' if its not going to put you or your son at risk.

When I worked in a school, one family only bathed or showered once a year, it wasn’t classed as neglect, SS were contacted many times but none of their 8 children were ever removed and were perfectly happy.
stop trying to points score, you won’t win that game they’ll see straight through you.

What game? What points? My child is unhappy & I am trying to help him.

I would find a way to neutralise it.

At 8 your son will need to use changing rooms and toilets at school and elsewhere on his own. That’s the development that you can focus on and ask your ex to support him in taking showers and washing his own hair. Take it further and say it is a father - son bonding situation which is why you want him to encourage his son to shower and washing on his own.

Teach him how to shower on his own and show him how to have a really good strip wash. Put face wipes etc in his bag so he feels nice and fresh.

Then say to your ex, hi, Kid has started showering alone at mine, every other day. Please would you remind him to get a shower tues and thurs eve? He doing really well but you might need to remind him to fully rinse his hair. Ta