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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Ex not always bathing child

141 replies

edemamequeen · 28/12/2025 11:17

DS is 8. So soon will be able to handle this himself but not yet. He is back from 6 nights away and had one bath and no hair wash. I think it’s bordering on neglect & want to say so. How do I phrase it so ex doesn’t go off the rails?

OP posts:
C4rls · 28/12/2025 20:44

Clarehandaust · 28/12/2025 13:02

I’m so glad somebody else is talking sense on this thread, Mine were bathed every night as part of the nighttime routine to get them out out of a nappy that they’ve been surrounded by piss and shit in at least part of the day.

To relax them before bedtime and to start a good hygiene routine that you would hope continues into adulthood.
Yet again another one of the disservices enforced onto children where one parent can’t be bothered.

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Honestly! I’m so perplexed at the responses. My children shower/bath every night without fail.

Travelfairy · 28/12/2025 20:49

Skybluepinky · 28/12/2025 19:47

When I worked in a school, one family only bathed or showered once a year, it wasn’t classed as neglect, SS were contacted many times but none of their 8 children were ever removed and were perfectly happy.
stop trying to points score, you won’t win that game they’ll see straight through you.

That's disgusting and negligence of SS. I work in an area where we have a lot of contact with SS and this would definitely not be ignored!! 1 bath a year? How can anyone think this is acceptable?

soupyspoon · 28/12/2025 21:01

A child who genuinely was only washed once per year would not be in the parents care, its BS.

Gorrilomania · 28/12/2025 21:03

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/12/2025 19:23

Literally nobody is painting the dad in glory, don’t be dramatic. OP has also said the child can only just clean himself, so the dad may feel the child still needs that supervision.

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Literally nobody is painting the dad in glory, don’t be dramatic

They're very quick to ensure he's not seen to be in the wrong, don't be so deliberately obtuse

the dad may feel the child still needs that supervision.

But won't give it...?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/12/2025 21:07

Gorrilomania · 28/12/2025 21:03

Literally nobody is painting the dad in glory, don’t be dramatic

They're very quick to ensure he's not seen to be in the wrong, don't be so deliberately obtuse

the dad may feel the child still needs that supervision.

But won't give it...?

Edited
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That isn’t deliberately obtuse at all - you are being ridiculous.

And the dad is willing to supervise, just not as often as OP does, that much is clear.

APatternGrammar · 28/12/2025 21:09

edemamequeen · 28/12/2025 19:13

I am not. His dad is.

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You say in your OP that at 8 your son isn’t able to handle the shower himself yet. I understood from this that you are supervising him.

soupyspoon · 28/12/2025 21:11

Gorrilomania · 28/12/2025 21:03

Literally nobody is painting the dad in glory, don’t be dramatic

They're very quick to ensure he's not seen to be in the wrong, don't be so deliberately obtuse

the dad may feel the child still needs that supervision.

But won't give it...?

Edited
Show quote history

He isnt in the wrong though is he?

He supervised the bath, OP said he had a bath there and dad supervised

The child would like to have a bath/shower more, so he can ask for that, just like he asks his mum for stuff or a way to do things, sometimes mum will agree to those things and sometimes she wont, thats parenting for you.

OP also hasnt answered still whether the child was dirty. Hasnt said whether he had a wash. A bath or shower is not the only way to wash. I notice people these days use 'bath' and 'shower' as akin to 'wash'. You could in fact go a whole year without a bath. As long as you washed regularly.

cobrakaieaglefang · 28/12/2025 21:11

As an 8 year old (1974!) We had a bath and hair wash on Sunday evening and hands and face wash daily. Clothes were put out for wash when they were physically dirty, food dribble spot washed in between.

We certainly weren't neglected, so, no, not neglect.

Original poster
edemamequeen · 28/12/2025 21:20

soupyspoon · 28/12/2025 21:11

He isnt in the wrong though is he?

He supervised the bath, OP said he had a bath there and dad supervised

The child would like to have a bath/shower more, so he can ask for that, just like he asks his mum for stuff or a way to do things, sometimes mum will agree to those things and sometimes she wont, thats parenting for you.

OP also hasnt answered still whether the child was dirty. Hasnt said whether he had a wash. A bath or shower is not the only way to wash. I notice people these days use 'bath' and 'shower' as akin to 'wash'. You could in fact go a whole year without a bath. As long as you washed regularly.

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He hadn’t had any kind of wash (apart from hands and face) apart from the one bath.
I don’t think it should be up to him to keep asking when his dad has said no.
And of course I sometimes say no to things but me saying he can’t have extra sweets or extra TV is not the same as me saying he can’t have a wash.
It is at best lazy parenting.
I am trying to help by sending a message to his dad not by going nuclear & not sending him there or going to court etc etc…literally this thread was started to ask how to phrase a message.
Please could people be a bit kinder on here.

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 28/12/2025 21:26

If ds isn’t allowed to shower or bathe, is he allowed to use the bathroom and brush his teeth unsupervised? If so, could you send him with a little toiletries bag with some flannels and shower gel and show him how to get a wash in the sink when he goes the toilet in the morning? Then at least he can feel a bit cleaner, without going against dad’s rules.

PullyDog · 28/12/2025 21:42

Is dad saying no because he doesn't want to sit with him?
Does dad know son is capable of bathing alone?

My kids dad refuses to let my smalls (5dd and 7ds) bath separately because it takes too long. So they have to bath together.

It bugs me because they don't want too. But luckily it's only twice a month, and soon they will refuse and we will go from there.

Sometimes you just have to accept you can't control everything (lord I wish I could change this bath situation) but i can't, so i let it go.

Have you tried speaking to dad?

Original poster
edemamequeen · 28/12/2025 21:46

PullyDog · 28/12/2025 21:42

Is dad saying no because he doesn't want to sit with him?
Does dad know son is capable of bathing alone?

My kids dad refuses to let my smalls (5dd and 7ds) bath separately because it takes too long. So they have to bath together.

It bugs me because they don't want too. But luckily it's only twice a month, and soon they will refuse and we will go from there.

Sometimes you just have to accept you can't control everything (lord I wish I could change this bath situation) but i can't, so i let it go.

Have you tried speaking to dad?

Thanks. No, I started this thread so I could ask for advice on how to speak to him.

OP posts:
PullyDog · 28/12/2025 22:53

edemamequeen · 28/12/2025 21:46

Thanks. No, I started this thread so I could ask for advice on how to speak to him.

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Do you speak at pick up and drop offs? 'ds did xyz at school the other day' kind of chat?

PullyDog · 28/12/2025 22:55

When I asked my kids dad he literally just said no, i asked why, he said because he has to sit upstairs with them whilst they bath and it takes too long.

So be prepared for a no anyway, but you may get a reason behind it which would help

ManyPigeons · 28/12/2025 23:02

RedToothBrush · 28/12/2025 11:19

One bath is absolutely fine. The lack of hair wash, not so much.

This is not borderline neglect though and to suggest it is, is borderline ridiculous. No actually it's just ridiculous.

Idk 6 nights is quite a long time without a wash. No wonder kids are sick all the time if they’re allowed to be so filthy. I’d expect 2-3 baths with hair washed in that time.

Gorrilomania · 29/12/2025 00:43

soupyspoon · 28/12/2025 21:11

He isnt in the wrong though is he?

He supervised the bath, OP said he had a bath there and dad supervised

The child would like to have a bath/shower more, so he can ask for that, just like he asks his mum for stuff or a way to do things, sometimes mum will agree to those things and sometimes she wont, thats parenting for you.

OP also hasnt answered still whether the child was dirty. Hasnt said whether he had a wash. A bath or shower is not the only way to wash. I notice people these days use 'bath' and 'shower' as akin to 'wash'. You could in fact go a whole year without a bath. As long as you washed regularly.

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I very much doubt there was any washing in between, but you can invent some if you like.

Listen, people have different standards - in hygiene and in parenting, in general self-respect. OP isn't wrong to want to raise them with respect to her child - you are happy to accept whichever ones you'd like.

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