Ex not always bathing child

[edemamequeen]

DS is 8. So soon will be able to handle this himself but not yet. He is back from 6 nights away and had one bath and no hair wash. I think it’s bordering on neglect & want to say so. How do I phrase it so ex doesn’t go off the rails?

As long as he’s had a nice time with his dad, and he’s safe and happy, it wouldn’t bother me at all.

I mean supervising in the bath & giving a hand with rinsing his hair. Not bathing.
Also my ex won’t allow him to use the bath so, again, what he’s able to do is not the point.

Do you know why he won't allow him to have a shower on his own?

I get it with a bath tbh. I still sit just outside the door with the door open while my nearly 8yo has a bath as I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him unsupervised, but he's been having showers on his own for years.

Who has posted negative personal comments to you OP and criticised your parenting?

PP saying I’ve done a bad job, telling me to get a grip?

I think it depends on how dirty the child is to be honest and where in the 6 days the bath falls... a bath on the 6th day for a child who's been out playing sport and painting and got dirty/mucky is very different than a child who hasn't been doing these things who was bathed thoroughly on day 3. Some kids are sweatier than others and my ds even though he has short hair would need a bath by day 3 or he gets a bit stinky but would be OK up to then.

I wouldn't call it neglect necessarily so I think you are right to be careful of how you phrase this. I think the line to go down if this is a boat you feel you absolutely must rock, is that ds has mentioned feeling worried about being smelly/ dirty around his peers, I'd blame it on puberty starting and him becoming more aware of his body and say you're going to support him to wash more in the evenings at your house and he's asked if he can do the same at his dad's so you're just letting him know. But I certainly shouldn't be accusing him of abuse or neglect because going solely off this post, that's not what this is.

Erm our middle ones are 7,8,9 and they all bath and shower themselves have done for a long time, yes they need told off you go your turn but that's it

Is no one reading what I’ve said? My ex is not allowing DS to bath/shower.
Maybe I wasn’t clear in my initial post.
I am not going to raise it with my ex yet & will work on making sure DS knows that I think it should happen more. But it should not be up to an 8 year old to insist on this when an adult is saying no. I don’t know why the comments are so patronising & unhelpful.

I've read it and asked twice if you know why, but you aren't answering

I think the post was IF he is not able to manage his own hygiene, which Im sure he is. And it was referring to both of his parents, not just you.

Get a grip is a bit strong but I think that was in relation to your comment about neglect.

Most of us here are reassuring you that your child is fine, unless there are other things you havent mentioned like if he was filthy and grimy when he came back.

@edemamequeen I don't think the frequency is really the problem here, and it certainly isn't neglect. Going by your updates, this is a child who is wanting to wash more often, and is quite possibly starting to feel uncomfortable with either of you being present while he washes but was wikling to accept his dad there so he could have at least a wash.

Personally, I would be encouraging him to bath/shower independently at home so he can advocate for his own privacy wherever he is. If he still needs help with his hair because of its length, get him to stick his pants on while you do it for him. I only wash my hair every 4-5 days unless I have been running so I am not appalled by 6 days. He needs to quickly develop the skills so that you/he can say to his dad that he is getting too old to have a parent do it for him.

How did he manage to have a bath then if he isnt allowed

You mean the father wants to supervise? If so, why, is he making a massive mess in the bathroom, whats the context of this

I bath my DS every night (including hair wash), I would be livered if he had not bathed for 6 days. I can’t believe most people are saying it’s fine.
I’d mention it in a friendly way to ex, can you ensure he is bathed each night / every other please , to encourage good hygiene?

Is it actually helpful telling your child that you think their dad should bath them more? That’s more for you than for them. You wanted advice on how to tell
your ex he’s bordering on neglectful for parenting differently to you, the majority don’t agree with you, that’s why they aren’t all ‘helpful’ in your opinion.

He’s controlling. There are reasons I left.

I’ve already said I did not say that. I made no comment positive or negative.

He isn’t allowed to do it at my ex’s without supervision. My ex supervised one bath.
The context is he’s 8 and also my ex is controlling and has different hygiene standards.

He’s not uncomfortable with being supervised or having help. He has told me very clearly he wants to bath more at his dad’s but his dad won’t let him. I am his mum. Shouldn’t I be advocating for him?

I both agree with you and other posters.

It is grim, one bath in six days is not enough, kids that age still get very grubby.

BUT it’s also nothing like true neglect.

What do you mean you didn’t say that? The bit about making sure your child knows you think their child should bath them more?

Yes. He said he was upset by it. I didn’t say his dad should have done more or let him do more or anything. I just said “shall we do a bath now then?”

You have said you want to deal with this as part of co parenting and explained it is difficult to navigate the coparenting with your ex.

With that in mind remember this is not “an” adult it is his father. He is allowed to have a different opinion on this matter from you.

I think if you encourage your child to go against his opinion you put the child in the middle of a difference of opinion. When either of you do this, you enter the territory of counter parenting.

The conversation with your child needs to not undermine your ex’s different opinion.

"My ex is controlling and will not allow our 8yo to wash" is so different to "my ex isn't bathing our 8yo enough". I think if you'd started a thread with the first statement, you'd have had completely different responses.

Maybe ask HQ if they can delete this one and start a new thread?

I’m sorry your ex is controlling and I assume your unhappinesss is part of a bigger picture. But I’ve worked with neglected kids and this isn’t it. Many adults only wash their hair once a week. This is just about your preference not being followed. Sounds like there may be other behaviours of his that are more concerning.

My 8 year old runs herself a bath whenever she fancies one and shampoo and conditions her long thick hair.
If he wanted a bath surely he could have asked to go and have one.
My 10 year old has been doing the same for years.

Edit to apologise I didn’t read that he wasn’t allowed.